More general updates

So I'm blogging from my iPhone because too warm in my bed to get up to my laptop 3 steps away. 

Forgive me.

Turns out the client I had, said they were closing for the year which means I've been out of work for 5 days *dancing*

I've been partying like no tomorrow 

And let me tell you?

That life style is NOT SUSTAINABLE.

Ah least not for me. I'm cranky, Tired and constantly buying food for my husband because too tired to cook.

Also haven't showered in 2 days.

But yah.

Looking for an affordable nail place in Lagos.

I need to get back on that Gel nail tip Abeg.

My nails are already chipping.

Went to a salon in VI, and they said 3k5. To do my nails with my own polish.

I just carried my legs to downtown.

Who did it for 1k( hand and leg)

I should in all fairness do a full year review but since phone and can't see the actual post where I made plans- that may have to come later.

Meanwhile let me tell you. This year has been amazing.

Sometimes, I've been upset but generally , it's been a solid year and I have so much to be thankful for.

Top of the list is my family. I got added to a new family, and they have been so so so accommodating- 

life marriage major Key 🔑🔑🔑

Marry a man whose mothe has all boys 

They don't want you to know this, because they don't want you having nice things - BUT, if you follow me on the path to more success- your mother in law will ply you with the nicest things. #LAIOOOOOOON.

Shout out to Khaled. You should be following him on snap chat.

But really. Speaking of marriages- another couple I introduced to each other got engaged this year.

Time to open my side hook up business or nah? 

All the weave I bought from Ali express  was too amazing. 

2015 was also a huge year of learning for me.

1- if you have curly weave you need to pack it forwar and wear hair net to sleep . 

That way your curls bounce back tomorrow.

2- long nails will cut you in your vagina.

Nobody told me after cutting myself twice ( okay maybe my husband told me) when washing my vagina to reduce the length of my right hand. I mean it's long but isn't cutting so much. Although I think he wanted shorter nails because I've scratched his back to finish.

3- pay your tithe. ( I'm hoping this is self explanatory)  this is something I struggled with, but next year I've told God to arrest me daily. For every month I receive money and not pay tithe.

Since I don't have a fixed church. Anywhere I find myself worshipping. I pay there.

I also want to give more. And borrow money out less.

Which brings us to four 

4- neither a lender nor a borrower be.

Onigbeses are too plenty in Lagos. DONT borrow people money. I've learnt .

Only money I can forget about. Is the only money I'm borrowing out.

5- stop judging people.

Woke up and found that I had morphed into a you can not greet Aunty.

Look yeah - if you enter a place, don't let your mouth be heavy. #Greet. 

Because what does it really profit a woman to be a babe and get scolded for not greeting.

Hint- the answer is Nothing.

6- that marriage is a good thing.

Look ladies, stop being afraid. At the risk of being married for two weeks and giving marital advice. Marry your friend.

Not like best friend ( because 14 years in jail for that) but someone who is your actual friend. A lot of times we have an ideal in our head, but marriage has made me question whose ideal really.

My mother is steady salty I'm not my husbands handbag to events. But we are in the same bed every night, because that is what is important to us. ( I'm also still trying to lobby for a separate room- no show)

So please when you marry- or plan to marry, marry someone who you are his friend and is as much your own friend.

Don't let your case be the one of your best friend having another best friend that isn't you.

7- speak out.

At work, at home, for the youth ( if you get that last part, maybe you are old like me).

Because none of us are mind readers( except maybe Dynamo the magician) you need to speak up. If you don't like something, say it.

More importantly if you DO like something say it too. Odds are you will get more of said thing you like.

9- it is consistency that breeds results.

You are better off working out for 25mins everyday for 30 days than for 1 hour 3 times a month. Orobo no dey reign.

10- and this is a major key.

🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑🔑

choose happiness always.

Especially when you know you have to business being happy.

I don't think any year has been this disappointing for me, or had a more different outcome than I expected but look yeah- I'm happy.

Finish. And I feel better about being happy.

In conclusion 2 other things.

Resolution: to not imbibe other people's marriage road map as mine. (This because ah, everyone always has something to say about someone else's marriage) and after a while I may want to just adopt for peace to reign, but I'm writing this here to remind my self in the future that sex four times a week works well for me( even if it makes me late most times) and pizza on football nights are the 🔑 to evening rest. And finally it's okay when my Husband will drink a smoothie as dinner because he doesn't want me stressed.

2: to take my job search more seriously and to seek out this side hustle thing much more seriously. 

I know I only said 2 but-

Another one- to work out consistently, mind my business more, pick up a sport. Be more concious about using my new last name. Find a steady church, drink more water .

I hope you all had a delicious 2015 and I pray that you will prosper in 2016 in line with God's principles even as the economy forecast is predicting gloom.

Where there would be a casting down for everyone - God will lift you up.

Lines will fall in pleasant places for you and yours.

You will get into a new land and dominate .

These are the things are wish for you my readers in 2016!

Have a lovely lovely lovely holiday period; don't drink and drive,wean yourself of Arsenal football club( only heart break is there), do something you really enjoy and be unapologetic about it. 

Yet another update

I'm literally in the middle of a shit storm,
but I am okay, taking it one step at a time.

Letting tomorrow deal with it's self.

This Xmas and I'm literally going to have to make an actual physical list of things I'm thankful for

AND  budget  BECAUSE DECEMBER.

Been totally lusting after these "Balogun Tee's"



Because Balmain is cost and y'all know I rep balogun market to the T in represent.

And I really want to give myself something for christmas.

Two- I thought of getting matching Tee's for my Husband & I- LOL.

I feel like I should speak more about my husband and the kind of person he is so that all my readers collectivelly can laugh with me about how I am over reaching.

My nails and hair are currently inspiring serious envy.

Honestly I get the hair- because these Edges are from the Most high.

But the nails- Like any monsurat can give you stick on with super glue in less than 10 minutes for a full 10 fingers ( and toes- if you have bleached your's and you are okay showing them off)

I have pepperfruit like toes


Literally.

and cheesy feet. I cringe when people talk about toe sucking during sex like please-

My boobs are sufficient for this.

lets not suck any thing below the knees.

Speaking of below the knees. I am currently looking for a non invasive way to shave my legs.

without a blade/shaving stick and without the struggle of shaving cream and none of the pain of waxing.

My hair is fabulous.

I do not think you heard me. MY WEAVE IS FABULOUS.

I may have struck ali-express gold with this purchase.

metaphorically speaking. All my frog kissing finally gave me a prince- that everyone now wants a piece of.

No issues; I share my contact. No shame in my game.

I also entered the ultimate beauty box give away here and look I am holding out on getting  my nails done

Till after I win.

*speaking in faith because church going baby girl*

Also really holding out because wanna use the Vane nail polish in the box.

pss- Also looking forward to the maybellin powder as well ( hope we get our shade o)

cacao-ing here I come


I have a wedding on saturday. going to start meal prepping against today and tomorrow.

with what you ask?

well- I thought you would never ask-
I HAVE ONE WHOLE CHICKEN IN MY TRUNK
A BAG OF RICE
AND A GALLON OF ORORO.

Starting to feel like Xmas eh?

I think that is what I really like about paid employement. The rice in December.

Also everyone at work keeps asking what I'm doing because my stomach has apparently gone in
and my shape has come out

I want to lie and tell them its the marathon legal sex I'm having but because xtain- I am on a strict diet as well as 3 a week work outs plus every night I do burpees.

At least 20 before I sleep.

strong armed someone who isnt my husband to buy me a polar watch and looking back maybe I should have got a fit bit instead.

Hmnn- Awoof dey run belle or nah?

Off to the gym.

Slighty upset Sir Shina peters wont be at Afropolitan BUT excited in advance of all the orishirishi accents I would be subject too.

Ps- lost some weight in my fingers.

Guess how campaign like my ring looks?

FreakingRegal.

Love eet.

on general updates

I am better now.

No more upset/crying/depressed.

so many good things have happened to me.

I just have no choice but to be thankful.

I'm working through the holidays as always.

But in VI- can you believe it?

I am so super excited.

I'm so happy for 2016. In advance in faith.

work is good. Life is good. My waist line is snatched.

My ass is lifted.

My skin is clearing.

My work table is cleared. Like I'm going to celebrate Xmas with no work hanging over my head.

Off course I am relived.

I feel the urge to publish my Xmas wish list- Since I did not do a birthday wish list.

standing

or sitting unpretty.

I absolutely feel like my life is going to shit right now.

No jokes.

Someone stole from me.

Some who I lent money is being shifty.

AND I have shit to do with money.

I can not move house-because theft.

my car is bad, and I cant change it because- theft

And there are only so many " we regret to inform you emails" regarding my current job search

that I can take.

Plus I'm broke.

but that is mostly my fault.

20k dinners, 11:11 day ali express sales and this delicious charles keith purse I bought this month.

Plus I have generally been reckless with money.

Normally I do not stress about money( well more than usual), but i am just literally freaking out

Looking at my December expenses and my current income. and my holiday plans for 2016.

I think I need to grow up.

And I do not think I am interested in growing up.

It's just tuesday and I honestly do not see how this week is going to getbetter.

( lies- SALARY  is due friday)..

I'm just generally grossly irritated.

because I'm slowly getting to the point where I will take a pay cut to move jobs.

but check this- no one wants to hire me.

I have one offer on the table. BUT- It is not what I even see my self doing.

Remotely.

But I am feeling like it maybe my only option.

It is higher pay ( BUT probably shitter hours and ZERO travelling opportunites)


And do I really want to trade my happiness for more money?
Right now?

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Also I'm left with no option than to explore EFCC for my theft situation.

Friends please stop stealing from me. there are so little of you left in my life.

AND; you know I am petty AF.

Randomly I would not even budge about going to the police regarding the theft

but let me tell you, I have been cheated on before.

The pain of a friend stealing money you do not even have from you?

IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING IN THE WORLD.

Like my heart literally broke when I found out.

BROKE TO PIECES.

having to resume at Ikoyi to sort out those forms.
were horrible.

And you know what is even more horrible?

Everybody has left me out to dry.

Obviously I can not go into details BUT

It is a harrowing experience.

Like in my worst nightmares- I would not even have seen this coming.

And even worse i'm not allowed to talk about it.

It is horrible. I wake up thinking about it. I have dreams about it.

I am distraught. Literally and I do not know what to do or how to go about fixing my life.

rather this issue in my life.

:(

On slaying and other stories that touch

So I have a wedding this weekend.

I'm trying to do this thing where I only attend weddings where I personally know the bride and groom personally.

Doesn't make much of a difference since I do know quite a few people.

So on saturday I have a wedding.

I know the bride and the Groom, Although the groom invited me

my main aim is slayage.

why?

My one ex- The tampon introducer- Is best friends with the groom.

While I do not speak to him, the groom and I have remained friendly ( of sorts)

ANYWAY.

He will be at the wedding.

And the groom has been weirdly insistent that I attend.

maybe he was also trying to sell me the asoebi ( NO MORE)

So I decided to kill all my enemies and SLAYYYY in a jump suit.

I've always found jump suits to be a bit extra for weddings.

Like aunty why are you wearing trouser.

oyinkan wore one last weekend ( to yet another wedding)- IT WAS LITTTT.

And I thought.YES PLEASE.

So I went to lagos and bought this pretty print fabric

Now.

To find me a tailor that wont slam me with pinafore and act funny when you ask them.

On weight loss.

I'm making steady progress.

My friend FBG, Who I have probably blogged about a lot has morphed into a fitness monster.

So I showed him a few photos of my body pre scuplting.

AND NOW HE IS ON MY CASE-DAILY.

F I love you for real but can we NOT do this?

Please?

I do not like people heckling me

True to his word; he hit me up today to remind me.

little or no carbs.

our conversation was really emotional for me because we have been friends for maybe 15 years and he has never ever shut me down or said no to anything I said.

So imagine how SHOCKED I was when he kept calling me out on my lying-IN YORUBA.

I was so mad. :(

I mean I get that its all love but this love is too hurtful,

Please
My psyche can only take so much assault.

I have spent the last week commuting from Vi to Ikeja daily and can I just say that those people WHO do the commute the other way ARE THE REAL HEROES OF LAGOS STATE.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

God damn.

I have three massive pimples AND a sex starved kitty cat to show for that.

Like I would go to work at 6:30 ish and leave the mainland at like 9:30 ish

I was literally seeing eros in bed. Like wake up leave him in bed, get home meet him asleep.

How do people who work on the island but live on the mainland consumate their marriages?

And even more importantly how do they cook?

I did not cook all week but on thursday I came home early enough to do some cooking like 8 ish

Eros  came in and saw me prepping and said no
I should  go to sleep.

I married a unicorn.

Like.

Literally. So I'm like are you not hungry?

He said yes, BUT you are tired and we havent spent time together.

because my mother's spirit would have been gravely unsettled IF I let my husband go to bed hungry.

I quickly whipped up a smoothie.

And we settled in to watch Heist.(2015)

We slept off midway but I had never seen a more significant gesture of being put first from my husband ever before.

Like NEVER.

please 5 Gold stars for that boy.

Speaking of gold stars; I had a gel mani installed in Abuja at the insistence of Uloh ( baby girl 1)

and four weeks after mani is yet to CHIP.

Like there is so much nail growth. I am impressed.

Thinking of waiting- then going back to abuja and re-do them.

The nails are really pretty( Ps- they are on my IG)


randomly people keep asking me about my wedding.

It is actually my mother's wedding.

Because she is the owner of the wedding, maybe sharing with my MIL.

I mean all I'm doing is loosing weight to kill all my enemies.( my one ex boyfriend) and all my husbands's exes ( although I think the secrecy shrouding the whole wedding thing is killing them)

Also I have really become obsessed with my engagement ring.

I have lost enough weight for it to fit decently on my finger without making my otherwise slender fingers look like satis ( sausage)

Finally- Any one have a really good tailor?

Nobody has to know

Three things:

I wear black on mondays' to mourn the weekend.

I did not go to Dubai. But my husband went- So much for two becoming one.

I have my next holiday planned abeg.

I'm going to Gambia, to eat fish and watch SATC from season one sipping moscato and have nobody affi know type sex.

Why did I just come across this song by Kranium?

TOTALLY ON REPEAT ALL DAY.

But raises two trains of thoughts in my head.

ONE:

Do Jamaican men actually fuck women this graphically?

Or is it just in the music as an export? ( think how the theme of Nigerian music is pangolo)

TWO.
Are these girls, who you can detect their freakiness by looking in their eyes a thing?
What girls you ask?
The one's who open down the pole like a stripper, with pussy popping on a hand stand type girls that these Jamaican men sing about.

If yes

How does one morph into one of these girls?

And If No,

How does one become the first of these girls?

Ps: There are two nicer remix's but just like pringles; I prefer the original.

UPDATE.

I am sorry. I need us to collectively stare into the greatness that would be TY dollar $ign's eyes.

Because I am a good person.

Time stamp in video: 1:46, 1:50, and 1:56.

Pss: the way he looks at her in 1:56&1:57 is everythinggggg.

Question

Would it be irresponsible of me to Abscond.

Scratch that- HOW irresponsible will it be for me to abscond from work for two days; Leaving my brand new staff alone WHILE

I go to dubai for the Weekend?

Answer- VERY.

But why am I still considering it?

*sigh*

Wise men say...

I saw this advert AND  ALL THE FEELS!.

3am and sleepless in Abuja.

It has been raining non stop. Like literally it starts at 5:00pm DAILY and just wont stop!

So upsetting!

Anyways.

I am actively Looking for a job; incase anyone knows anyone who needs an accountant.

Get at me.

And on the Nth day

Oreoluwa got married!

Well Legally anyway. You can unclutch your weaves now

There is still a party to be had.

And I can swear by this because - MY MOTHER, showed me up at my registry.

She  had asked if She could invite people- I said No. " My husband and I" ( ps- LOVE the H-word)

would be wanting something small and intimate.
HO!HO!HO!!!

I invited no one because- I mean it's registry and It was a monday and what have you.

My mother ( AND MOTHER IN LAW) *side eyes both of them*

INVITED EVERYONE THEY COULD FIND.

I'm not joking.

also had a reception party at the house- That did not end till 12 mid night.

As you can see the battle can never be won. So I'm bowingoutgracefully

Mummy you can have this one.

but first THANK YOUS ARE IN ORDER
*IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER- asides the first one*

Thankful to God- I keep saying this ( in real life not blog life obv) BUT I do not think marriage was on my landscape; I had some what resigned my fate to this baby girl life of spoiling other people's children and having my own space and generally NOT getting married.

For the strangest reason.

Which is probably why -EVERYONE kept saying I was being waay too logical about the whole thing.

Still feel's like it's someone else's life- BUT in the best possible way.

so God thank you. For giving me the gift of marriage.

Plus This whole marriage thing HAS BEEN SUCH A STRUGGLE.

from family tussles; to drama with my mama; to Friction with my brother in laws.

Look this journey has been LONG and arduous.

And finally we get here. In one piece. So much to be thankful for really.

And in no particular order:

My momma and Mother in law, both of you are bae's respectively. thank you both. God's blessings forever and ever.

My cousin Oni- Amazing MUA. came through ALL the way from festac to beat my face- Thank you.

My siblings including but not limited to- my mothers siblings as well.

My aunt who flew in all the way from landin town for the registry

her husband who gave me a ticket To DXB because he missed the registry

All my aunt's friends who came through and dashed me money

My friends who came through , Chioma, Doyin, Kris, Jade, Yetunde,Ope.
Ps- you people are stars. But next time come with present.
pss- You guys can use my birthday to make up.
But from the bottom of my heart thank you

Lekeeee! photgo. of Laive. Thank you.  I hope they are not angry at you again

To ALL my family. I am amazed at how much all of you have done for me.

And I'm just going to let go and be chill re-all the other wedding celebrations.

Finally my Husband *eek* I can not believe I get to call you that in this life. I am truly thankful.
because we have the oddest love. But it is our's none the less.

Ps: people keep calling me Mrs *redacted*
And I keep telling them. Thats my mother in law

Please my name is Ore.

Super woman and all that good stuff

Went back to the treadmill today.

With a knee brace. 15 minutes on the incline at 6km/hr

Look.

no one can tell me ANYTHING.

KILLED IT.

and put in my 90 sit ups today.

As I said- KEEEELLLLLLLLLLD EEETTT.

Some times I feel like a fraud.

Like I am actually going to look at houses.

To live in, with a man, who is going to be my husband.

It feels surreal.

Like I will wake up one day and someone will tell me I stole someone (more deserving's) dream

and even worse I have to give it back.

Ps- This is not me saying I do not deserve good things. but this year has been a bit too legitimately amazing for me.

And if anyone has done nothing to even bring all these. It is me.
I must have been super good in my past life.

Trust me.

LG- Life's might good now.

On getting married; I think its really weird how people can never really be honest about it with you.

Like because we are stuck in a culture of speaking badly about our husbands; Older women's hands are tied when giving you examples.

I am not being delusional into thinking marriage is easy or all fluff.

I know its hard work- But you know what else is hard work- getting a masters degree

and there are a 1001 templates and cookie crumbs to follow.

Now there are more married women than masters degree holders; can someone explain to me why all I'm getting is just be praying; There is nothing God can not do.

Please can married women do more Tell ALL'S?

And I'm not talking about marital infidelity. I'm talking about co-habitting struggles.

Because I do not know if you people know this but - Totally clueless.

Enough about marriage.

Four other things.

-I hate women who never allow people to drink water drop cup before chipping in my husband.

Like husband is a $100 bill in social currency in Nigeria ( probably is)
worst part- I am about to morph into one of those my husband will not like it women.
( Stop I'm still judging myself)

-How expensive is getting married.

Quite. Very expensive. I might be sleeping on my mattress on the floor in my matrimonial home because bed frame in Lagos costs N150,000.

And it is not even a guaranteed good nights sleep because: Lagos traffic

-Please who is the Local government chairman in Ikoyi?

the roads are fucking deplorable.

Like its fucking Ikoyi- please get your shit together. Thanks

-Is there a school where Nigerian artistes go and get their lyrics.
They are actually something else.
Currently watching  HIP TV lyrics show and look

We are all collectively in trouble as Nigerians regarding the quality of the lyrics; I promise.

I know I said four ( but when do I ever keep it at 4?)

I saw the bodyguard yesterday with Whitney & Kevin and OMG. ALL THE FEELS.

ps- why are you creatives crazy?
 Like why are all of you collectively crazy? Men and women?

it is so damn surreal how crazy creatives are. they are really really really crazy people.

Finally.

I used to be a flipping social butterfly.

Like So chirpy and having a calender so full of events.

And having friends come through my house all the damn time.

Now- I have ZERO SOCIAL COMMITTMENTS.

its surreal and unfair abeg.

And When ever I have enough guts to confront my friends about it- They hit me wit that

YOU ARE NEVER AROUND.

Akwaba from ghana.

I just got back from dinner with my friend and OMG

Ghana has been soo goood to me and my skin.

And my bladder and my diet.

Again I am so thankful for the opportunity to travel.

And shop.

Since I am furnishing my home * OMG how grown up does that sound??*

I picked up a few paintings from here and I can not wait to put them up.

speaking of home furnishing.

Do not get married. it is a trap.

How can trying to get married and just become double be so expensive.

*stares lustfully at the wedding registry at Spar/Mega Plaza/ all the house hold supermarkets in Lagos*

On Tampons and Ex-boyfriends

I started wearing tampons relatively early

I say relatively judging my the senior aunties on my TL that haven't ever tried them.

Let me tell you tampons have made me a better person.

How did I get into Tampons?

I am glad you asked that question.

When I was in Uni, I was dating someone. (not seriously- Casually) * this line will self destruct because I have no ex's.

Anyway So I used to whine. WHINE. to my then bae, about how; I hated Always. ( sanitary pad)

I was ALWAYS getting stained.
Forget those stupid adverts.
I would be on my period and EVERY single night I would draw map of Japan on my bed

Every single night. Some days sef I would go and visit someone in their room, Get up to go and boom -Me stuttering; Sorry I think I stained your bed)

Plus the sticker on the pad wings were horrible.
As in; the thing would stick on my pubic hair and give me an unrequested bikini wax.

In essence my period days were dark and struggle filled.

I mean there were other issues But bloody sheets every morning and sticky pads to my bikini line were at the top of the foodchain.

Anyway fastforward to My then boo going on IT and coming to visit me in school. He had a surprise for me

A Box of tampons.

I was slightly hesistant because -Urgh to putting this thing into my vagina.

And what if it gets stuck and what if the rope cuts and all the what ifs.

Anyway So I used a tampon, and except that one time when my tampon over flowed.

I have never till this day experienced any staining.

Except when I want to allow my Vag rest.

And I get stained. Again like clock work.

Will forever be thankful and grateful to my ex boyfriend for putting me on tampons.

Now Three other things.

I do not ever use Nigerian always.
I know how bougie It sounds but the foreign pads, You might as well be wearing panyt.

I love the texture.

Second- no more unwarranted bikini waxing.

The glue stays on to the other wing stead fast.

Like My mother knows all she needs to buy me when she travel's " london always and mac lipstick at duty free".

Even the always SP, I bought when I went to gambia was superior. ( Lions of africa- how far??)


Two
I never use paper applicator tampons.

because I imagine that the claws of the applicators scratching against my insides and so;
I always ALWAYS ALWAYS use the plastic applicators.

Three

They say you shouldn't ever keep in your tampons for more than 8 hours because of TSS.
Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Apparently there is a 30% death rate from TSS in America.

which loosely translates to 3 in 10 women that enter the hospital because of this reason -DIE.

its high.

so be careful, If you do decide to morph into a tampon weilding ninja like myself-

Try to shower twice a day and change your tampon at least twice a day which means you will use at least 3 tampons a day fulfilling the 8 hour rule for tampons. (24 hours divided by 3 is 8) so you are safe. ( rough estimate)


So you know how I spoke about talking to jeweler, So I fixed an appointment.
You guys this appointment was like by 10pm.
9:45 my alarm went off and I was running around like a headless chicken because

Ore couldn't remember her skype password AND Eros was being a slow coach ( because I woke him up from sleep)

Shaaa at 10:01 nepa took light.
Children of God at 10:03 Gen came on

at 10:06 gen went off.
So I ask Eros; Should we just skype him with your phone?

Him: In this darkness,you want him to think you are poorer than you already think you are- being Nigerian.

Side bar: My co-worker met Eros today and said - he is so strict.

me: Huh? My Bubba is a teddy bear.

But secretly excited that she knows to tuck in that familiarity.

Random snippets

So as you guys know.

 I co-habit with Eros ( mainly because lekki traffic humbles me).

And It is not ideal.

Because last week when I got out of the shower, he looked at me a little confused ( think North west confused face)

And asked me - Where are your eyebrows?

I swear to God in heaven I had mentioned to him that I do not have eye brows and I pencil them on.

So I said ( because honesty is supposed to be the best policy in marriage)- I do not have any eye brows.

He said - but I see you with eyebrows every day

Me- because I draw them on

Him- Maybe you should draw them on in the bathroom before you come back to the room

Me- Maybe you should stop talking now.

What is so amusing is that, he seemed so genuinely concerned/ surprised/ slightly amused. Like OMG you actually have no hair let me see.

Gym time is blessing time.

Guess who can not find her sports bra?

Guess who has been wearing ordinary bra to the gym?

Guess went to the gym IN THE EVENING ON A WEEK DAY?

All me- Sprinkles confetti.

So excited for this new fitness journey.

Also Trainer at the gym saw my ring yesterday * cue random out burst of happiness*

It still surprises me at how excited other people get about me getting married.

I mean.

Anyway that is one there on its own.

My jeweller cancelled the first appointment we made but scheduled to monday. Fingers crossed this works out.

Also one of my friends who is a miner- gifted me a precious stone.

You guys I am dying of excitment. RING GAME ON 1000.

Trying to get Eros to do an co with ring color.

That being said I wanna go to dubai at month end for 5 days.

I know I know; I am always travelling But it brings me so much Joy and happiness AND I have never been to dubai ever.

And I'm just generally excited plus I am loosing weight and I am going for another wedding which means I need to make a dress and OMG!

Pss- My nails are prefection. Everyone thinks they are fake. #pause these babies are real

Side bar- Rick ross got engaged. 

Lowkey sober. I really like Rick Ross.

Note to self

I was going to come here and write a post and protect it and morph into a wailing wailer.

As I grudgingly showered at 9 am ( even though work started an hour ago) I was just thinking of  ways to lay in bed and do nothing all day.

Even though I have two client tight deliverable deadlines. I was just like urgh.

But I still come to work. In a bubble.

And was going through my BBM contact updates, not because I care what they are up to but today is really one of those nothing days for me.

Anyway I saw this message on there and boom

You guys- God is talking to me the message said - " there will be days that you will wake up in the worst emotional state ever, Get up, dress up and show up in 5 years that emotional state would not matter.

Hmnn.

I woke up but couldn't even find the resolve to go to the gym.

Like I spent my whole Saturday crying. ( at intervals but cumulatively lets say I spent a good 40% of the day crying).

Fast forward to 3am today and 2 hours of more crying.

The day hadn't even started but I was done.

But I mustered courage to drag myself to work, and I'm glad I did.

I may have over done it with the black kajal but my contact client person said I looked good so 5 gold stars for camouflage maybe?

For someone who just does, regardless of how I feel- I am really really not happy that I am not doing and just wallowing in all my feels.

Anyways- I have a strong feeling that there would be lots and lots and lots of days like this to come in the near future and I am putting this as a reminder.

Get up. Go to the Gym. Show up and Just Do the day as usual.

Yah,
Note to self and all that good stuff.

Ps since all the eastern beauty bloggers and their Hausa aunties swear by turmeric powder, I bought some yesterday AND made a face mask.

How can my sun burns be looking like they are fading already?
Witchcraft.
Sorcery.

But hopefully the good kind.

Looking forward to alternating this with my rahsoul clay mask from Morocco.

Clear skin of Die trying.
That is the motto.
Do not let anyone else tell you other wise.

10 things no one told me about....

........WAIST TRAINING.

Today is the second day I am wearing a waist trainer and the day can not come to an end soon enough because - It's getting harder and harder to breathe.

1. It is uncomfortable.
     Very is  not sufficient enough as an adverb to describe this uncomfortableness ( I made up this word)

2. You can not take deep breaths.

    Because really what is air.

3. You can not sit down comfortably. Or stand up from your car seat. Or Drive.

    Or change your gear without gasping for air and gasps are limited because – waist cincher. 

4. When you  eventually ( sucessfully- without falling over your self) sit. 

    Its in a chest out, borom out position ( QC girls you know what I mean)

5. You cant put them on alone.

    Well I couldn’t and had to get assistance from Eros who mocked me  and severely warned me not to make any noise about it.

6. You constantly feel like doing a number 2.

     CONSTANTLY.

7. You cant eat large regular portions. or small bird sized portions or anything really.

    Because what do you need food for when its not going to go down anyway.

8. IT WILL CHAFF AT YOUR SKIN.

    That little roll of flesh between your bra and the waist cincher will get throughly brusied- but figure 8 so.

9. You have to stretch at your own peril.

     It is hard to squeeze all that fat back into the cincher.

10. It is  really, generously, thoroughly,  truly, honestly Uncomfortable

Those instagram models who lie and say it should be slightly uncomfortable are liars.

There are not enough adverbs to sufficiently and properly convey how uncomfortable waist cinchers are.

Which leads me to inquire- has this always been as uncomfortable or is Ore just being whiny?

Three or Four Other things

New York.

I am still hoping, Praying and believing for a Miracle for New York this weekend.

My friend is getting married there this weekend, and due to poor planning and relying on family I got into this mess.

Weight loss , Gym and gaining weight at 30.

Why does everyone say I am lazy at the gym? I swear I put my back into it.

or whatever I can put really( I did 90 sit ups the other day)

Ps- why does every woman who has bragged about being skinny and never having to watch what they eat suddenly get betrayed by her body once she turns 30?

Not like I am complaining since I am already fat- and you know what they say, there is always room at the top or bottom.

Edge control works

Like it actually does, BUT you need to brush it in with a tooth brush ( what? I had no idea)

I would just apply it like cream and cry foul play because my baby hairs weren't getting LAAAAID.

Speaking of hair- what to do with my hair? weave, braid ghana weaving or just pack it and be going?

Instagram Locations

I know a few of our Instagram honeys LOVE this shit so hopefully someone will explain it to me.

WHY are your holiday photos tagged,BUT, your real life daily, everyday photos NOT tagged?

This isn't even shade. I am trying to be a travel blogger so I need to know if this is a legitimate thing or awon I'm on vacation opressors are trying to shit on us.

I know I said 3 or 4 but finally, I am currently attending the Mr and Mrs better half series and It is really good. I like real life examples of marriges that aren't perfect. ( instagram marriage relationships) I see you.

Anyway if you are intrested in attending its on at the Elevation church Lekki, Second roundabout.

Lots of discourse was about- Full disclosure was seriously suggested with wisdom and discretion.

I really liked church; I wonder why I do not go as often as I should be going.

Last Last Last.

Three

Is the number of female friends who have bemoaned being single to me but all got boyfriends and conveniently forgot to mention it.

Look, it hurts.

Why won't you share your good news with me.

Plus you know I'm getting married anyway what am I going to do with your own boyfriend?

Counting Hatched eggs and botched Customer service

I think I do not know how to respond to favoritism.

It is that time of the year and some how miraculousy, I've been chosen by the firm to go to Abuja for ICAN conference.


Basically a week of faffing and getting deliriously drunk in Abuja.

On my firm's tab.

sans lobbying.

I feel like the more these things are given to me, the more unworthy I am of them.

Like how can the firm be so mindful of my travel aspirations?

Again- Makes no sense.

Still makes me thankful.

Now you know what Irks me.

Wretched Nigerian businesses.

SAYCHEESECAKES- I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.

Now in all fairness. The whole thing started out really tame.

I had ordered two cakes from them one in April which was N5k, a 12 inch cake that was deliciously red velvet and high and moist and decadent and all that good stuff.

So when my mum turned 55 in june, I decided to get another cake from them because I am a last minute princess.

And it was N7k5 and SIGNIFICANTLY smaller. But no yawa. she had cake for a month after so the size wasn't really a big deal.

my uncle is having a surprise party on Saturday so I said oh these guys were decent BUT I need to confirm the size of the cake so I know what size I should pay for.

So I call and ask and I'm told to send an email.

Thats fine.

I send an email and get a reply saying literally that the cake is 14 inches and cost 10k and I should make payment.

And In my mind, I'm like are these people dense, is that what I asked. I asked you what your standard price is and you are telling me its a 14 inch cake.

But I did not say anything, I called them back and said urm hey I sent you guys an email and the first thing they said is- oh they havent seen any email.

So I said- that is really strange because I have gotten a reply to my email.

and then the lady I was speaking to said I should please hold for someone else.

A man with the phoniest accent I've heard in a minute- gets on the line and starts telling me how- urm yeah, he can see an email

Me- yes you have replied said email, so? what size is your 12 inches the big one or the small one?
Him- Actually both cakes are 14 inches
Me- I'm sorry I think you may have the wrong email, I stated that both cakes I ordered were 12 inch cakes. and I can see that these are not 14 inch cakes since i CAME TO GET THEM MYSELF.

This cow, then proceeds to say
- if you look closely you will see that they are the same size

Pause see the cakes.

I said look, go and check your records and get back to me on the size of your cakes okay?

And it ends.

These people call me back 10 minutes later like - oh we have looked through this thing and we are sure that both cakes are the same size at 14 inches.

At this point, I decide that tomorrow, I would get myself up, print the photos out and drive to their office that has zero parking( another issue) and curse someone out.

But I said you know what- Let me be civil and this man said "madam all our cakes are standard size, we have reviewed your. AND IM LIKE

ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?

AND I DROP THE PHONE.

Knowing how badly behaved I was, and how good the cakes there are and cheap.

I deceived to call back and be re conciliatory.  But in the usual  predictable manner of Nigerian business, they refuse to pick up the phone.

So I take it to twitter AND LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.

where everyone sympathizes with me and is like - Duh cakes and cream for cake. cheaper and cheerfuller than these other cake makers.

And I'm like you know what- maybe I should just give them cakes and cream jeje.

After my venting on Twitter. Guess who calls me back?

Saycheese cakes

With an explanation about how some times the batter in a batch is high so it is possible that one of those cakes were bigger, but they do have standard sizing.

*round of applause for the woman at Saycheesecakes*

And I'm like yah thats cool, thats what you should have said not that 1- they are the same size and 2- if i look closely.

Anyways my mind is made up to not use them because I really hate liars.

The lady said please hold on.

And mr Phony accent comes on to say that - He does not know why I took it to twitter. and he thinks that was unncessary as..

Me- PAUSE

was it not after I abused you on twitter you 1- called me back to give me that bullshit excuse about cake batter and apologize.

so what are you saying

Then he said madam if you continue to speak to me like this, we would not be taking your business.

HISS.

I dropped the phone again. rubbish.


First of all, you have made 2 cakes for me who has ordered at least 15 cakes this year alone.

trust me, you do not even have a fraction of my business.

So yah.

Second-  You are opening your dirty mouth to tell me to look closely.

ARE YOU MAD BLAD?

I was really upset.

So anyway, Management at saycheese cakes, I advice you to

1. send the man in your office to finisshing school on how to liaise with paying customers.

like is the cake free?

anyways I hate when Nigerian businesses have amazing products and shit customer service.

It is the saddest thing.

So saycheese I am rooting for you. clean your act up and tell your security men that when customers come to your store- he should stop barking- GO AND LOOK FOR PARKING SPACE, but actually look for space for your customers.

Free good advice.

Anyways I will not be sending any more people your way since you clearly have way too much business in your oven.

Rubbish.

Inlaws and Random conversations

So Sunday morning in barcelona

I go by my Mother in laws apartment, she is there with her friend and her husband

as well as her sister in law( her husbands cousin's wife) who she happens to be very close to.

We have having a casual conversation when her sister in law just blurts out

"Ore thank you for looking after our Son for us"

And I easily smoothly replied "AH, mummy, he is the one looking after me o, he is kuku the one  brought me here and  see all that he has done for me"

And she squealed and said OMG THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED YOU TO SAY!

Me * in my mind* Ah Aunty, you should know by now that I can never be caught slipping.

She then dashed me money and took me too lunch and my mother inlaw was really excited.

And I'm like- you guys need to come up with better tests for me.

This conversation came to me after looking through my time line and people CRYING about inlaws.

ALSO, 5 Gold stars for my Amazing amazing amazing mother in law, who is slowly morphing into my own mother and weirdly friend.

Everyone keeps saying how lucky I am that she loves me.

AND I'M LIKE EXCUSE ME.

I am likeable sometimes.

Okay will be back with more holiday related posts and photos.

I promise.

Barcelona

The city is so beautiful.

Before I came here there were too many decisions that I had in my mind that were borderline maybe.

Like coming here cleared my head.

Traveling with Eros was exciting.

Worthy to note that sex outta town is wayyyy different.( not complaining)

But God saw my filthy mind and sent the red robot my way.( guess who isn't pregnant) *throws confetti in the air*

Will be back with a more decent post. Soonish. 

City-ing

Do you guys like my Blog over haul?

It takes me forward to when I become prim and proper and all that good stuff

Speaking of forward

I WANT TO GO TO PARIS.

But only because Yewande of SLTFT's just put up a photo of Venus d milo (sp?)

And lots of chinese tourists as a back drop. Loved it

I need a gun.

For two reasons, One being that my driver RAN AWAY.

I swear I will kill him when I find him ( Not with the gun)

Like duh, the gun is not for him, It is for all the OTHER  animals who drive in Lagos without home training that I will need to shoot.

Like excuse me, see that white line, if for your car to stay inside not straddle.

Ps- I had no idea that straddle could be used in any other context asides woman on top of a man.

Blame ALLL the mill's and boons my mother used for my literary development.

Pss- I hate growing up and finding that M&B stories aren't really real/ relatable.

Like I'm not going to be brushing my hair and look out my window and see the labourer in the next compound and our eyes will meet and the beginning of this sexually delicious but tense romance will start and end with me finding that he isn't really a labourer just a multi-billionaire (dangote's son -if you will), who just prefers to get his hands dirty and fix this roof for the house he built himself from gound up (thanks to  his building technology degree-that he doesnt use because he is running daddy's dynasty), and wants to donate to charity.



WHOOOOOSAAAAAAA. As you can see totally un-relate-able.
For one, I use a wide toothed comb through my really lush human hair that cost me a fortune ( what I eventually gave in).

And two my window is closed and the curtain is drawn, why?

Because the A/C is on.

Okay enough of the reasons why this won't work out.

I missed by friend's birthday dinner due to no fault OF MINE.

And I Know it is unacceptable and all that BUT....

Look, It happens.

Now she wont speak to me anymore.

And it just further re-inforces the story that I am really a horrible person.

Really

and I like to think I am not.

I told my friend(not really)  that my Driver left- And he was like- WELLLLLLLLLLLL, no surprises really, you were awful.


I hate to sound needy and whiny but I swear I am not that bad a person. *bursts into tears*

Figuratively off course.

pss- I am getting ready for Barcelona. Like I'm just accepting the fact that I am a fatso.

And would be giving them strictly one pieces ONLY, among other things.

But yah.
You ever wonder why Nigeria is just so full of ugliness?

(I mean its not ugly, but itis full of a lot of ugliness)

I mean home girl just got back from Greece AND LET ME TELL YOU

TRAVEL ENVY IS REALEST.

I mean. Greece is beautiful  ( and broke)

But that doesn't take away from how beautiful it is.

Like the water is clean. the air is fresh, the scenery, the sun set AND OHMYGAD the Men.

Look- Greek men are at the top of the pecking order.

So beautiful. Just so swoon-worthly-beautiful and their bodies.

You Nigerian men with you pot bellies you disguise in your agbada's - we see you and love you but NO.

The greek men win this one.

Here is to an amazing weekend.

Of Single parentage and hypocrisy

It is NO secret, none at all that my parents are separated.

I live with my mum, always have, it is probably the only life I know.

My mother as every mother worries that she doesn't do/didn't do enough ( which is crazy, she did too much)

I also went to see my father a few weeks ago

And it breaks my heart to say this BUTTTTT, I think my mother may have dodged a bullet.  God really likes her.

That is all I want to say.

But I find it odd when people ( Men*) won't touch you because your father left your mother.

*I have a friend who was always surprised that I had so many toasters, He would always be like OMG I would never touch you with a 10 foot pole. Look at your mum, you already know you do not need a man, my ego can not deal with that abeg.
While I appreciated his honesty, I did not think anything of it.
When I split with my Lover, he was one of the biggest champions of reconciliation, he kept saying look ask your mum, she will tell you.
She did not tell me shit.
Please your father, that stayed with your mother has her calling all his other women begging and pleading them to stop wrecking her home.

I feel the need to let these men know that- Their two parent homes aren't Utopia. and more importantly single parent homes do not have monopoly on raising fucked up children.

I mean ALL* the fuck boys I know have two parents.

* I know enough to paint them with this brush.

I know the psychologists will say that without a father figure and so, a child can't have a balanced life and I'm proof its untrue.

If anything not having a father in my life, has taught me from watching my mother that there is really no glass ceiling.

I mean there is. But people break it. But only if they want.

Again, I am not coming across coherently BUT, having one parent is much more a blessing than a curse.- as far as I'm concerned in my life, my siblings may disagree but ha, guess whose blog this is.

EXCEPT- when you want to get married and then long thing. ( another post)

Yesterday on twitter, someone asked when you realized you were a hypocrite.
And I laughed because I mean, I have ALWAYS been the queen of double standards

Since I could remember.

I mean you guys read this blog, so you know I dabble in hypocrisy from time to time.

But I will tell you when I realized I was about 7, and we had just come from sunday school and my sister had some gogo, so I asked her for some, she said no.

So I told my mother and my mum was like why should she give you, did you not eat your own.
Me: But the bible said we should share.

My mum was like valid point. And made my sister give me some

Fastforward to a few days later roles reversed. Me with candy, My sister, with my mother as a general overseer.

Sister- Give me some now, remember I gave you when you asked.
Me- No
Mummy- Ah Ore give her now, shey the bible said we should share.
Me- BUT ITS ONLY IF YOU WANT.

I think my mother smacked me and made me give her candy,

Now we laugh about it and she tells it at every gathering, almost as a cautionary tale about the kind of person I really am at my core.

Think Jacob really.

But if its any consolation. God blessed Jacob.

I'm deviating but I guess the way people who like the same sex are aware of their sexuality before anyone tell's them, is how I am always known that this was who I am.

The one who likes to eat her cake, have it and have some of your's too.
Just because.

New best song.

Word play, turns into gun play

Gun play turns into pillow talk

Pillow talk turns into sweet dreams

Sweet dreams turn into Coffee in the morning

You people should not say I do not do anything for you. I really really really really like miguel.

And the video is FIRE.

Jebba is amazing. The land is green and I wish I had a professional camera.

Because there is so much to see

I have lived in Nigeria for 26 years and I did not even know these parts existed.

I'm lowkey ashamed.

Madam I like to travel but I don't know what is happening in my back yard

Thinking of going to calabar for the carnival in december.

The thing about cities with nothing to do, is you have so much free time to get into your head

and reply 3 week old bbm messages.

Hey Adeyemi, ( sorry for the reply, You are right as always, I am bored)

I am not the best at friendship maintenance I must confess.

But I am trying. I really am.

I'm doing this thing where I actively do not say any bad thing about myself.

Why do people fret about texting.

I know what I said to you, Although my texting is ambigious, I struggle to put in context what I always mean.

Which is why screen shots don't scare me.

I mean I probably tweet about what I'm telling you anyways.

go on with your bad self.

On travelling

I swear the universe gives us what we want.

Like how else have I been to

- Osogbo

- Ekpoma

- Port harcourt

and I am currently blogging from Jebba in Niger state

In two weeks.

I really need that camera, Yo, Universe you have been working over time.

That being said the Universe has been bad to me to and working against me.

For one- WHY DOES IT KEEP SENDING MEN MY WAY?

ESPECIALLY FROM MY PAST.

And what is up with that really.

I went to a party on Saturday that had not one BUT two of my Abuja boyfriends there.

Color me speechless. and confused and confounded.

But because my job requires I make shit up as I go alone. guess who rose out the flames like a phoenix reborn?

Your's truly.

The details of this gist will be served in another post. I promise.

Also why do I keep meeting men?

I go and tell my friends and they keep scolding me.

And I am like - PLEASE TELL THEM TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

Married men, do your friends scold you when women speak to you?

Just asking because I need to know if this is a double standard.

So this man I met at the gym on saturday. After my last incident at the gym I try my utmost best to not speak to men there again ( I ended up facing a discplinary committee)

- Again, another gist.

So, I decided not to be rude and I gave out my call card.

Also, in my defence my friend Sope- who is a boy brags non stop about how rich the gym is re-social currency and all the connections he makes there and all that.

I keep forgetting the balls I have on my person are high up on my chest.

This man has been calling me non stop, On Saturday after he called me twice then decided to see if we could  see me.

urm Oga no you can't see me because No.

And he keeps calling and texting.

* why you need to stay away from drugs*

The pool party I attended had these brownies.

I am thankful I do not smoke weed because I could swear I was going to pass out then wake up in an alternate world

Imagination is super when it has other substances * makes mental notes not to judge artists with substance abuse problems*

So while I was strung out, turns out I had a phone conversation with Mr Gym man.

This supposedly happened at 2am.

Offcourse I slept off.

next day more messages- Why am I being cold?

Me- Do I know you nigga?

Now,I have dropped I am doing something with my husband line like 3 times. This man is DEAF.

So I decided not to take any of his calls.

Like clock work he calls

I'm out of town so no harm but abeg no. So I decline and reply with a text about how I will call him later,

Mr gutsy text me back saying "LOL, we both know that won't happen so what time should he call me back?"

I think I'm just going to block his number and change my gym hours to evening.

Another man in my office- This one is the saddest thing because I do not know anyone who pays me more work place appropriate compliments than this man.

Change of hair o! lipstick color o! nail polish o! name it, boy is on it.

So that is how monday, I went to ask him about something and he said " I do not even have your number I can't reach you on the weekend"

JUST LIKE THAT?

UNCLE.

No. I just shut it down. fassst.

one of the hardest things for me generally was shutting men down, because I have approached men and look, that ela is demoralizing,

So I always put myself in their shoes and try for a soft landing

But no more MRS NICE GIRL.

Pss* one of my Surprise abuja boyfriends I met on saturday , works in my office building
Psss* This negro told me I heard you are engaged, we should have lunch

Pssss* I should tell you that the side eye roll I dished out for him- LEGENDARY.

so over men.

Pssssss* I won something in a give away on Pynk360.com

Uber excited

Second give away I'm winning in a minute!

On travelling

I like to travel.

A lot.

Not for the gram but for how I feel when I travel, I am excited, relieved and at ease.

Which is really weird because what I like is so expensive I can not do it as often as I would like to do it and it hurts.

So I tweeted about how I would LOVE to travel for a living. Like just travel and write and travel and experience all the things the world has to show and rahhh.


Anyway bottom line is I'm starting a travel blog.

There are two problems with a travel blog
1- I am always so excited, I feel like writing about my experience diminishes it.

Does that make sense?

probably not. I can not explain it.

Second and much more important is that I do not own a camera. *gasp*

Should I start a travel blog with my trusty Iphone 6 Camera?

My cousin came over for the weekend and said my skin looked so amazing.

I'm like huh? really?

I make this mix for my skin.

I got tired of getting sun burnt ( Hello Greece and Vegas) and Also got tired of having acne, that I reverted to using only natural stuff on my skin.

Think - natural saturdays stuff. It works, scars from when I had a bout of pitiraysis (sp?) roasea have ALL FADED.

It took Eros pointing it out to me to even notice.

And to think I was begging the doctor for hyper pigmentation cream to fix it.

And the doctor was like your skin is beautiful and will survive this stay strong.
me: * side eye*

So the light skinned deliciously unmarried ( I know I checked) doctor at Lagoon in Vi, I do not even like light skinned men BUT YOU ARE A STAR!

Thank you for insisting I say NO to the spot fading cream. I thank you, My skin thanks you

and the 10 people a month I am going to creating this mixture for (probably) thank you (more than me right now tbh).

So back to travel blogging.

How does this work??

Do I tackle travel finance?

I will like to talk about travel finance because _ Hello Cheap skate economy flier here, But really because I know how hard it is to have a 9-5 and gift yourself an actual holiday that won't be ridled with guilt because you used the money for X to travel.

Also because you really can not travel without money.

One of the biggest regrets I have till date is coming home ( to Nigeria) every chance I got when I was at Dundee. Makes zero sense looking back now. I could have had so much fun and not gone to sweat at escape, But we look back fondly at that summer.

So what do I call travel blog?

What of lay out, More importantly how do I manager my anonymity while simultaneously using my existing anon social media accounts as click bait without showing my face in the photos?

Travel podcast maybe?

Except that small issue of me sounding like shakira who swallowed a frog.


So how have you all been, So much happening in my life; I'm just here like Fix it Jesus.

Update on new years resolutions

I used to do half year posts but this year has been so fast and so filled with so much going on.

Today I read This my resolution post and I was in awe of how close my current present is with all my  resolutions/ all the things I said.

For one- This is the year I get married ( ha slowly getting excited about it)

and two

I think I am kinder. Than I was. I am more honest, and I'm taking fewer off days at work.

To travel- Ah God, this one is all you. who would have thought relating to travel the only issue I would have would be getting time off work?

ha ha

It is so interesting this Travel one- I just said It and the universe heard it and did it.

#lesson Start saying the things you want and the world will give it to you.

I'm reading at the same pace ( I have also started watching TV- *gasp* I know) Lets call it bonding time for Eros & I. he is obsessed with TV, ,me not so much.

To shop less- THIS is really interesting because I for some reason can't see anything to buy.

( it could also be because I hate wearing size 12 clothes so I'm not buying any!)

To foster a relationship with my father.
Hmnn. I do not know if this is the avenue to really talk about this ( since I am at my desk and tearing up as I type this Even though I just came back from a bathroom break that I spent crying about this)

I'm just in all my feels about this.
But let me tell you something i'm learning unforgiveness is never the way forward, and all it does is hurt you and harden you and lets all be like the potatoe that adversity makes soft and not like the egg that heat hardens

( that last paragraph was mostly for me so I can refer to this when I start getting drenched in all my feels all the time)

Maybe the crying is PMS?

Also- I have put on so much weight, I wore a dress and my co-worker alluded that I was pregnant.

First- Totally inapprops ( shout out to Pam*),
Second- Rude ( because I am NOT that fat)
and third ( Just generally what the fuck?)

*Pam is a xter in Archer**
**Archer is only the best cartoon series I watch and absolutely Love.

Also I was at the spa this week and got a deep tissue massage- NEVER AGAIN.

I hurt allover ahn ahn.

Alssooooo guess whose father in law gave her a present just because.
You guys I swear I am a catch but the way my inlaws are making me feel, All my uncles and aunt's are just like - girl you are so lucky, I can not believe your Inlaws do all this for you.

Eg- My MIL who is currently outta town, gave me a suitcase to go on my last holiday,
so My mum goes to see her and I just tagged along and she asked for it and I'm like - No now dash me

MIL-okay but it's a set so you need to come for the smaller ones.

I need to put this in context- My mother said no to giving me a suitcase

She was thoroughly shamed.

Serves her right. :p

Also new best song

Just the thought of you gets me so high. 

:) :) :)

Girl you are the one, I want to want me.

Candid Conversations and AlcoholicUnited

Sooooo there are a FEWWWW conversations that I should have had,
But Bad bitch did not let me.

So last night one of my aburo's gave me a ride home*

Side bar- Eros and I have this road map where we are trying to intergate our lives.

Step one get a driver.
Step two get a dog
Step three do introduction
step four get legally married in the registry

So we got a driver, and while it is nice to be driven around and never worry about parking in Lagos ever again but OMG - driver is so tardy!

Always late with the most stupid excuses.

Anyway- Thats how I was waiting for said driver ( which honestly has to go) when I saw my aburo and lured her into giving me a ride home.

And further tempted her with champagne.

Week night drinking used to soooo be my thing

But everytime I drink- I have the most blinding headaches.

like My body is shutting down and I cant do anything about it.

Anyway I figured  Tylenool Pm and 10 hours of sleep lets me feel refreshed so.

Last night while we laid in bed and she regaled me with tales of EVERYONE in Lagos' marital and relationship problems and all that jazz, I plied her with copious amounts of alcohol ( most of which I drink because she was slacking)

And I tweeted about how -  horny Loose and limber ( read as uninhibited) alcohol makes me.

And in a flash I realised I need to have one of those candid conversations that I should have had back in February,

And I did. And you know what? Alcohol is liquid courage.

Because the conversation was not half bad. If anything it made me realise I am a bad person.

And I hate to be a bad person, So I apologized profusely and I'm glad I did because I like apologies.

Giving and receiving them.

I would also like to point out I had a really bad headache last night.

My nails are still jacked up, but I wanna go to the gym tonight or maybe tomorrow morning.

I have a WEDDING tomorrow- which I LOVE!

Uloh ( biggest baby girl ) is in town today, And yall know Uloh= only epicest weekeds.

ALSOOOOOOO-

nevermind the also.

But I thought to put this here- I am finding it difficult to handle all the attention this closure is giving me

re-weave

I got a closure installed and I swear I look like a runs girl but never mind

Everyone keeps saying - Oh you are so beautiful. me- pause.

Y'all need to stoppppp.

second thing- My friends from Uni are amazing- they keep trying to hang out and I'm like nooo( because I am so fat now)

Anyways I eventually came clean like you guys - I'm fat so I don't go anywhere and they agreedto come to this heavily lowkey place.

I obviously cant say where but I love how lowkey it is. :)

Update

Can you tell how excited I am?

today is the event I'm hosting/planning for my manager that is retiring.

So freaking stressful but OMG - So fulfilling, maybe I should be a wedding planner?
ha!

Or holiday planner. Also any travel agents here?- get at me please contact details in my bio thingy.

Ps- For real its URGENT.

I worked out this morning, So exciting- NOT.

Trying to undo all the damage this late night pizza eating is doing to my beach body.

Sooooooo, I got a closure. *gasp*

I keep forgetting to tell you people things *urgh*

Anyways I have always haboured the belief that only runs girls do closures.

whatever blame tonto dike.

So that is how me and my closure came to work today and OMG the compliments

I swear I LOVE compliments but today's own was extra.

Y'all really think I look cute in a weave- co worker dearest???

Because I hate weaves.

But this one I'm like meh its okay.

People are like- Oh I didnt recognize you.

and I'm like yasss my transformation to Lagos big girl is complete.( minus the dark knuckles)

Also
I met this boy in my office building stairwell.

LOOK- Igbo boys will be the attempted death of me.

LOL- and we had the most stimulating conversation.
All I could think of was one of my aburo's to merge with him and completely put him in my Life,


He was THAT cute..

Alsoooooooooooooooooo We kind of work in the same industry. ALSOOOOOOO

He remembered me from Primary school ( creepy because he was my baby brother- who happens to be 25's) class mate.


You guys- I am feeling super cute today, The sun is shining ( its a lie its over cast ouutside and my nail polish is chipping and one of my nails broke today at cash and carry while I was wrapping my oga's present) and *sigh* I have so much to tell you people.

Anyhoos.

I think I find my old amebo ways slowly seeping back into my life.
While I miss knowing gist ( I do not miss the constant hampering that people give me to give then gist- DEJI I am talking to you)

But the peace that comes from minding your business tho- priceless.

Thinking of getting a radio show. Once a week, probably saturday morninggs?

You think people will listen in?

I think it exciting because I sound really unique( like a frog who swallowed another frog and burnt her tongue/ or basically like shakira)

But I think I have  a loot to say- I mean see how I ramble on.

Also will you guys tune in? say Yes.

And I will give you details when It comes through.

ps- I really wanna go to Dubai- dear Universe make it happen, I know you have been workingover time for me lately and I am so thankful but please do not stop,

Your baby girl E. :)

ps: birthday present ideas for a male!

pss: Zero proof reading ALL errors are mine. :)

Holidayyyyyy!

To go to greece and Stunt on them or nah?

Haha haha, I know its horrible to laugh at the people of Greece rn, BUT- investors dream in real estate property.

Plus I'd pay cash.

I want to buy a holiday home in Greece overlooking the water front- Because fucking beautiful.

The scenery in Greece is Ahmazaingggggg.

Anyways I dunno if I mentioned this but BARCELONA LOADINGGGG.

In August- I'm off to sunny barcelona on this all expense paid trip. * cheese*

However I am worried that bad belle will come and pour sand in my Garri.

will Gist you later.

I HATE travelling with people ( including Eros)

urgh,. He wants to go here ( Italy) then rent a car and drive there ( Monaco) then fly there ( mabella)
Me I just want to go to my Barcelona Jejely.

Thinking of it is just making me be like- Look boy I am not a REAL life agent stop!

Anyways I just started reading the count of Monte cristo. Everyone I tell is like - huh?

I havent even watched the movie. Im waiting till I finish the book before I start the movie and OMG it is so good/interesting.

How have I never seen it/ read it??

And be careful when you pray, because God may just answer your prayers

without the buffer of time. exactly as you requested

And then you realise that maybe just maybe Jer 29:11 is true.

:)

Ps- ever wanted something and it comes so easily? then you freak out because it was too easy

Still fortunate buying fuel.

I'm tempted to be like- excuse me guys- what is this fuel scarcity you have been crying about?

Be careful what you wish for

Remember how I said I wanted to travel this year.

God heard me and took me literally.

Thats all I'm going to say.

I had been feeling a bit off lately. Slowly hatingmy job ( gasp I know)

And what not.

Then I went to church on sunday and the holy spirit arrested me.

Literally.

Spoke about all the horrid things I was doing( all my totally undeserved days off and the likes)

And most importantly growing where you are planted.

I do not know If I had mentioned this ever- But when I went to do my MSc, one of the conditions I gave myself, My mother and all related stake holders was that- I would ONLY do one year when I move back at my old job- I also need to point out that I am yet to fill out ONE single application even though I had crossed the threshold.

Anyway fast forward to one year being of being at work ( or as I like to call it 5 holidays later #humblebrag)

And I was over it.

Anyways I'm back on it. and I was so super productive yesterday> I loved it.

I'm also planning a retirement party for one of my Managers. It is lowkey weird how I am logistics correspondence for my sector at work.

I love it.

I plan to make a more concerted effort at keeping in touch with old friends.

I am so excited. About what- I do not know, BUT I am quivering with excitement.

I want to go to dxb to look for a dress and pick out my wedding band.

Although I already have one- I want another one.

#colormegreedy

I am in such an amazing mood.
OMG I think someone in my office has the most obscene crush on me.

It is the cutest and equally irresponsible thing.

ha ha ha.

The oddest thing for me regarding hitching my wagon to one person is having to deal with all these other men.

It is so weird.

I went to the Lagos make up fair over the weekend.

Nigerian make up artistes over feel themselves.

Ahn ahn.

Uncle do you see me giving potential clients attitude?

No- Please be nice to potential customers. I am petty enough to pick my MUA ( in Itunu's voice) based soley on the fact that the person is nice to me.

I like to think I am beaut and so- NO need for excess face painting.

My friend Demilade Roberts also opened up his photo studio!

Super exciting for me because I really really really like when my friends are doing well.

I went by to get some head shots but forgot to wear a bra.

side bar- Can we talk about how my boobs woke up one day and decided to be D cups?

Like HELLOOOO. BREASTICLES - You are supposed to allow me flourish on days when I dont want to wear a bra- Not swinging around like pendulum. * urgh*

Anyways my head shots are useless because  I am unable to use them to stunt on the gram because my twins were just doing anyhow.

But the photos were ace tho #m3lanineonfleek :)


My nails are looking hella lavish after the horrible scene from Vegas.

I think I will refer to my nail length as BV and AV. ( before Vegas and After Vegas)

I noticed a lot of bloggers ( who write because- not them awon linda)  aren't blogging as much any more ( Myself inclusive); Is it because of trying to monitize?

I dunno o. either way Its sad, You people should update me on your lives dammit. It is the only way I know what you are up to.

One of my bestest friends who is male (Yall can guess who, names starts with D) got engaged.

I was so deliriously happy. Because now we are on the same page and discuss marriage shit and ring styles all damn day!

hahaha!

I met D ( who is really Debo) so stop stressing about guessing who over 5 years ago and he quickly became a staple in my life.

I always yack about not having friends; or having bad friends but again #colormegreedy

when in truth I have been quite luckily re- friendship. I mean I lost a few to pettiness. ( mine and thiers) and some to loyalty to other parties ( I fancy myself a queen- off with their heads!),

I mean I have friends from work that have moved on but we still keep in touch and I have been unable to make new friends from work ever since ( color me resistant to change and adjustments) ha

Ps- coworkers used to call us "black berry babes"

Urgh- Do you not just hate Nigerian co workers?

Anyway just an update because I find that you guys need to know what I have been up to.

Finally; I was facetiming my aunt who asked where I was and I said casually oh I am at F's house.

side bar, Can we generally agree on what to refer to my future husband as? I'm leaning towards Eros?

can we do that?
Yes we can!

So I told her I was at Eros's house and she said ahn, she was wondering because it did not look like my house.

So I showed her my make shift closet  and she squealed- She could not believe that I brazenly moved in. and then she said the funniest most innappropriate thing.

She said- It is always good to try before you buy.

That anytime she goes to the store and does not try on clothes she buys- she always returns them.

Me- * dumbfounded*

Are your aunties supposed to suggest pre-marital sex?

Or is it only my family that is that grossly inappropriate?