Friday, July 31, 2015

Of Single parentage and hypocrisy

It is NO secret, none at all that my parents are separated.

I live with my mum, always have, it is probably the only life I know.

My mother as every mother worries that she doesn't do/didn't do enough ( which is crazy, she did too much)

I also went to see my father a few weeks ago

And it breaks my heart to say this BUTTTTT, I think my mother may have dodged a bullet.  God really likes her.

That is all I want to say.

But I find it odd when people ( Men*) won't touch you because your father left your mother.

*I have a friend who was always surprised that I had so many toasters, He would always be like OMG I would never touch you with a 10 foot pole. Look at your mum, you already know you do not need a man, my ego can not deal with that abeg.
While I appreciated his honesty, I did not think anything of it.
When I split with my Lover, he was one of the biggest champions of reconciliation, he kept saying look ask your mum, she will tell you.
She did not tell me shit.
Please your father, that stayed with your mother has her calling all his other women begging and pleading them to stop wrecking her home.

I feel the need to let these men know that- Their two parent homes aren't Utopia. and more importantly single parent homes do not have monopoly on raising fucked up children.

I mean ALL* the fuck boys I know have two parents.

* I know enough to paint them with this brush.

I know the psychologists will say that without a father figure and so, a child can't have a balanced life and I'm proof its untrue.

If anything not having a father in my life, has taught me from watching my mother that there is really no glass ceiling.

I mean there is. But people break it. But only if they want.

Again, I am not coming across coherently BUT, having one parent is much more a blessing than a curse.- as far as I'm concerned in my life, my siblings may disagree but ha, guess whose blog this is.

EXCEPT- when you want to get married and then long thing. ( another post)

Yesterday on twitter, someone asked when you realized you were a hypocrite.
And I laughed because I mean, I have ALWAYS been the queen of double standards

Since I could remember.

I mean you guys read this blog, so you know I dabble in hypocrisy from time to time.

But I will tell you when I realized I was about 7, and we had just come from sunday school and my sister had some gogo, so I asked her for some, she said no.

So I told my mother and my mum was like why should she give you, did you not eat your own.
Me: But the bible said we should share.

My mum was like valid point. And made my sister give me some

Fastforward to a few days later roles reversed. Me with candy, My sister, with my mother as a general overseer.

Sister- Give me some now, remember I gave you when you asked.
Me- No
Mummy- Ah Ore give her now, shey the bible said we should share.

I think my mother smacked me and made me give her candy,

Now we laugh about it and she tells it at every gathering, almost as a cautionary tale about the kind of person I really am at my core.

Think Jacob really.

But if its any consolation. God blessed Jacob.

I'm deviating but I guess the way people who like the same sex are aware of their sexuality before anyone tell's them, is how I am always known that this was who I am.

The one who likes to eat her cake, have it and have some of your's too.
Just because.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

New best song.

Word play, turns into gun play
Gun play turns into pillow talk
Pillow talk turns into sweet dreams
Sweet dreams turn into Coffee in the morning

You people should not say I do not do anything for you. I really really really really like miguel.

And the video is FIRE.

Jebba is amazing. The land is green and I wish I had a professional camera.

Because there is so much to see

I have lived in Nigeria for 26 years and I did not even know these parts existed.

I'm lowkey ashamed.

Madam I like to travel but I don't know what is happening in my back yard

Thinking of going to calabar for the carnival in december.

The thing about cities with nothing to do, is you have so much free time to get into your head

and reply 3 week old bbm messages.

Hey Adeyemi, ( sorry for the reply, You are right as always, I am bored)

I am not the best at friendship maintenance I must confess.

But I am trying. I really am.

I'm doing this thing where I actively do not say any bad thing about myself.

Why do people fret about texting.

I know what I said to you, Although my texting is ambigious, I struggle to put in context what I always mean.

Which is why screen shots don't scare me.

I mean I probably tweet about what I'm telling you anyways.

go on with your bad self.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

On travelling

I swear the universe gives us what we want.

Like how else have I been to

- Osogbo

- Ekpoma

- Port harcourt

and I am currently blogging from Jebba in Niger state

In two weeks.

I really need that camera, Yo, Universe you have been working over time.

That being said the Universe has been bad to me to and working against me.



And what is up with that really.

I went to a party on Saturday that had not one BUT two of my Abuja boyfriends there.

Color me speechless. and confused and confounded.

But because my job requires I make shit up as I go alone. guess who rose out the flames like a phoenix reborn?

Your's truly.

The details of this gist will be served in another post. I promise.

Also why do I keep meeting men?

I go and tell my friends and they keep scolding me.


Married men, do your friends scold you when women speak to you?

Just asking because I need to know if this is a double standard.

So this man I met at the gym on saturday. After my last incident at the gym I try my utmost best to not speak to men there again ( I ended up facing a discplinary committee)

- Again, another gist.

So, I decided not to be rude and I gave out my call card.

Also, in my defence my friend Sope- who is a boy brags non stop about how rich the gym is re-social currency and all the connections he makes there and all that.

I keep forgetting the balls I have on my person are high up on my chest.

This man has been calling me non stop, On Saturday after he called me twice then decided to see if we could  see me.

urm Oga no you can't see me because No.

And he keeps calling and texting.

* why you need to stay away from drugs*

The pool party I attended had these brownies.

I am thankful I do not smoke weed because I could swear I was going to pass out then wake up in an alternate world

Imagination is super when it has other substances * makes mental notes not to judge artists with substance abuse problems*

So while I was strung out, turns out I had a phone conversation with Mr Gym man.

This supposedly happened at 2am.

Offcourse I slept off.

next day more messages- Why am I being cold?

Me- Do I know you nigga?

Now,I have dropped I am doing something with my husband line like 3 times. This man is DEAF.

So I decided not to take any of his calls.

Like clock work he calls

I'm out of town so no harm but abeg no. So I decline and reply with a text about how I will call him later,

Mr gutsy text me back saying "LOL, we both know that won't happen so what time should he call me back?"

I think I'm just going to block his number and change my gym hours to evening.

Another man in my office- This one is the saddest thing because I do not know anyone who pays me more work place appropriate compliments than this man.

Change of hair o! lipstick color o! nail polish o! name it, boy is on it.

So that is how monday, I went to ask him about something and he said " I do not even have your number I can't reach you on the weekend"



No. I just shut it down. fassst.

one of the hardest things for me generally was shutting men down, because I have approached men and look, that ela is demoralizing,

So I always put myself in their shoes and try for a soft landing

But no more MRS NICE GIRL.

Pss* one of my Surprise abuja boyfriends I met on saturday , works in my office building
Psss* This negro told me I heard you are engaged, we should have lunch

Pssss* I should tell you that the side eye roll I dished out for him- LEGENDARY.

so over men.

Pssssss* I won something in a give away on

Uber excited

Second give away I'm winning in a minute!

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

On travelling

I like to travel.

A lot.

Not for the gram but for how I feel when I travel, I am excited, relieved and at ease.

Which is really weird because what I like is so expensive I can not do it as often as I would like to do it and it hurts.

So I tweeted about how I would LOVE to travel for a living. Like just travel and write and travel and experience all the things the world has to show and rahhh.

Anyway bottom line is I'm starting a travel blog.

There are two problems with a travel blog
1- I am always so excited, I feel like writing about my experience diminishes it.

Does that make sense?

probably not. I can not explain it.

Second and much more important is that I do not own a camera. *gasp*

Should I start a travel blog with my trusty Iphone 6 Camera?

My cousin came over for the weekend and said my skin looked so amazing.

I'm like huh? really?

I make this mix for my skin.

I got tired of getting sun burnt ( Hello Greece and Vegas) and Also got tired of having acne, that I reverted to using only natural stuff on my skin.

Think - natural saturdays stuff. It works, scars from when I had a bout of pitiraysis (sp?) roasea have ALL FADED.

It took Eros pointing it out to me to even notice.

And to think I was begging the doctor for hyper pigmentation cream to fix it.

And the doctor was like your skin is beautiful and will survive this stay strong.
me: * side eye*

So the light skinned deliciously unmarried ( I know I checked) doctor at Lagoon in Vi, I do not even like light skinned men BUT YOU ARE A STAR!

Thank you for insisting I say NO to the spot fading cream. I thank you, My skin thanks you

and the 10 people a month I am going to creating this mixture for (probably) thank you (more than me right now tbh).

So back to travel blogging.

How does this work??

Do I tackle travel finance?

I will like to talk about travel finance because _ Hello Cheap skate economy flier here, But really because I know how hard it is to have a 9-5 and gift yourself an actual holiday that won't be ridled with guilt because you used the money for X to travel.

Also because you really can not travel without money.

One of the biggest regrets I have till date is coming home ( to Nigeria) every chance I got when I was at Dundee. Makes zero sense looking back now. I could have had so much fun and not gone to sweat at escape, But we look back fondly at that summer.

So what do I call travel blog?

What of lay out, More importantly how do I manager my anonymity while simultaneously using my existing anon social media accounts as click bait without showing my face in the photos?

Travel podcast maybe?

Except that small issue of me sounding like shakira who swallowed a frog.

So how have you all been, So much happening in my life; I'm just here like Fix it Jesus.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Update on new years resolutions

I used to do half year posts but this year has been so fast and so filled with so much going on.

Today I read This my resolution post and I was in awe of how close my current present is with all my  resolutions/ all the things I said.

For one- This is the year I get married ( ha slowly getting excited about it)

and two

I think I am kinder. Than I was. I am more honest, and I'm taking fewer off days at work.

To travel- Ah God, this one is all you. who would have thought relating to travel the only issue I would have would be getting time off work?

ha ha

It is so interesting this Travel one- I just said It and the universe heard it and did it.

#lesson Start saying the things you want and the world will give it to you.

I'm reading at the same pace ( I have also started watching TV- *gasp* I know) Lets call it bonding time for Eros & I. he is obsessed with TV, ,me not so much.

To shop less- THIS is really interesting because I for some reason can't see anything to buy.

( it could also be because I hate wearing size 12 clothes so I'm not buying any!)

To foster a relationship with my father.
Hmnn. I do not know if this is the avenue to really talk about this ( since I am at my desk and tearing up as I type this Even though I just came back from a bathroom break that I spent crying about this)

I'm just in all my feels about this.
But let me tell you something i'm learning unforgiveness is never the way forward, and all it does is hurt you and harden you and lets all be like the potatoe that adversity makes soft and not like the egg that heat hardens

( that last paragraph was mostly for me so I can refer to this when I start getting drenched in all my feels all the time)

Maybe the crying is PMS?

Also- I have put on so much weight, I wore a dress and my co-worker alluded that I was pregnant.

First- Totally inapprops ( shout out to Pam*),
Second- Rude ( because I am NOT that fat)
and third ( Just generally what the fuck?)

*Pam is a xter in Archer**
**Archer is only the best cartoon series I watch and absolutely Love.

Also I was at the spa this week and got a deep tissue massage- NEVER AGAIN.

I hurt allover ahn ahn.

Alssooooo guess whose father in law gave her a present just because.
You guys I swear I am a catch but the way my inlaws are making me feel, All my uncles and aunt's are just like - girl you are so lucky, I can not believe your Inlaws do all this for you.

Eg- My MIL who is currently outta town, gave me a suitcase to go on my last holiday,
so My mum goes to see her and I just tagged along and she asked for it and I'm like - No now dash me

MIL-okay but it's a set so you need to come for the smaller ones.

I need to put this in context- My mother said no to giving me a suitcase

She was thoroughly shamed.

Serves her right. :p

Friday, July 3, 2015

Also new best song

Just the thought of you gets me so high. 
:) :) :)
Girl you are the one, I want to want me.

Candid Conversations and AlcoholicUnited

Sooooo there are a FEWWWW conversations that I should have had,
But Bad bitch did not let me.

So last night one of my aburo's gave me a ride home*

Side bar- Eros and I have this road map where we are trying to intergate our lives.

Step one get a driver.
Step two get a dog
Step three do introduction
step four get legally married in the registry

So we got a driver, and while it is nice to be driven around and never worry about parking in Lagos ever again but OMG - driver is so tardy!

Always late with the most stupid excuses.

Anyway- Thats how I was waiting for said driver ( which honestly has to go) when I saw my aburo and lured her into giving me a ride home.

And further tempted her with champagne.

Week night drinking used to soooo be my thing

But everytime I drink- I have the most blinding headaches.

like My body is shutting down and I cant do anything about it.

Anyway I figured  Tylenool Pm and 10 hours of sleep lets me feel refreshed so.

Last night while we laid in bed and she regaled me with tales of EVERYONE in Lagos' marital and relationship problems and all that jazz, I plied her with copious amounts of alcohol ( most of which I drink because she was slacking)

And I tweeted about how -  horny Loose and limber ( read as uninhibited) alcohol makes me.

And in a flash I realised I need to have one of those candid conversations that I should have had back in February,

And I did. And you know what? Alcohol is liquid courage.

Because the conversation was not half bad. If anything it made me realise I am a bad person.

And I hate to be a bad person, So I apologized profusely and I'm glad I did because I like apologies.

Giving and receiving them.

I would also like to point out I had a really bad headache last night.

My nails are still jacked up, but I wanna go to the gym tonight or maybe tomorrow morning.

I have a WEDDING tomorrow- which I LOVE!

Uloh ( biggest baby girl ) is in town today, And yall know Uloh= only epicest weekeds.


nevermind the also.

But I thought to put this here- I am finding it difficult to handle all the attention this closure is giving me


I got a closure installed and I swear I look like a runs girl but never mind

Everyone keeps saying - Oh you are so beautiful. me- pause.

Y'all need to stoppppp.

second thing- My friends from Uni are amazing- they keep trying to hang out and I'm like nooo( because I am so fat now)

Anyways I eventually came clean like you guys - I'm fat so I don't go anywhere and they agreedto come to this heavily lowkey place.

I obviously cant say where but I love how lowkey it is. :)


Listening non stop to Baby all these nights I've struggled and fought my pride scared that someone your type couldn't s...