Wednesday, May 27, 2015


I am afraid to check my account balance


I am afraid to step on a scale.

And I am also sad but in a good way when I look at my nails.

They are jacked up AND chipped AND they look like I have lived a good life. :)

Thank you Vegas. You were everything and More.

Holidays are everything.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

on Partnering

Yesterday I logged on to my office email and saw that I had received my appraisals.

freaking out, I opened them and was mad upset.

Like wth?

Anyways I got one that was so personally scathing. I was like urm. Pause

( now the review had so much venom in it- talking about how I was frustrating to work with; and I was impossible to reach and all that good stuff- I was like whatever)

I also got a few that were super decent, But human nature I clung to the unflattering appraisals.

Fast forward to this morning, I face time my Fiance. And I am lamenting about my reviews

And he is like girl quit complaining- You know you deserve those type of reviews.

You never take her calls ( which is true);

And I am like but I always take my client's calls- ALWAYS.

He said yes AFTER you have ignored her own.

And I am like but she is my friend.

And I think that is what hurt the most- not that the reviews were bad( not really I got a 3/5) BUT we are friends ( or I thought we were)

and he is like no- You aren't friends. If she was your friend she would never do that to you.

Anyways what do you wanna do?

me: I dunno I get to rate her as well.

Him: Then you know what to do

me; But she is my friend.

im: Friendship is two ways girl, quit complaining.

And I am like yah.

Then he said you have other reviews, so whats up with that? and I'm like man they were so ace.

Then he said so strop stressing but you know HR may have to call you in to ask you whats up with that one bad reviewer,

And I'm like I know.

And we just start laughing

And getting married doesn't seem so scary at all.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Wedding Dress shopping

Today I yelped " bridal stores close to me"

found one, called in, made and appointment and went there.

I popped into the mall close to me before I went to do a bit of shopping and calm my self.

I walked into the changing room at  H&M ( side bar super excited about the Balmain X HM)

And this woman just starts going off about how pretty I am.

People compliment me often about what I look like. But the honesty and how heart felt this compliment was- I was just floored and thrown off emotionally.

Fastforward to the bridal saloon- And I am glad I chose this saloon

It was small and intimate and the bridal stylist looked at me and said- Your body is AMAZING, we are going to have a good problem fitting you.

And I'm Like OK.

So I pick out a bunch of trumpet dresses.

They fit OK, but meh.

Then I try on the mermaid dresses- Very very very nice.

The bridal stylist then says- Look I know you want all your ex's to DIE

( When she asked me the look I was going for- I said I want ALL my exes to see me and cry blood; and all my husband's exes to see me and ask God why them- for real)

BUT you need to try on this dress- Its a mermaid dress in a 12- slightly big for you but we will clamp with a princess ball gown in the sheerest tulle train.

Children of God
I tried on this dress.

And started getting emotional  ( currently tearing up and I type this)

But as a hard girl, I didn't want to cry,

then two people are walking past the bridal store while I'm looking in the mirror and they pop in and say - OMG you are so beautiful, the dress is so beautiful, you look like a princess.

cue water works.

Ariel my bridal stylist was tactful enough not to mention that I was crying while she fit the veil on.

But Trust Nigerians ( I went with my sister), and she was like - " Ah you are crying, who beat you"


Anyway It was a beautiful dress.

But I did not buy any one since I am just looking around.

I am contemplating going to beverly hills tomorrow to try on some more dresses.

I have a 2pm appointment with a really nice asian designer- So excited about that.

But once I left the bridal saloon, I went to get some mc donalds abeg.

Bridal dress shopping is emotionally draining.

But I am thankful that I am able to experience it with family.

Ps- Pamela you were right; the stylist said she had never seen anyone with that fit ever before.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


I can finally say that I have experienced a weekend that deserves that adverb/ adjective.

My weekend was LIT.

For real.- Also LONG POST!

Friday I did not go to work but I did go to a tailor who- GOT my dress right at first try * squeals in excitement) and double points for letting me go sans bra in the dress.

If you know me in real life- you will know that I am here for the bra-less movement which translates to envy for the girls in the itty bitty club ( sometimes)

Anyways I was major pleased with the dress since the wedding was on Sunday, I went to do my nails.

Now two things

White nails are a no no in Lagos if you do not have porcelain skin.


Because you need to apply foundation, and your "white" nails will turn brown.

But I do not wear foundation ( even though my skin isn't clear) and I went to get white nails done.

I also discounted wearing lipstick. WHITE NAILS ABSORB EVERY DAMN COLOR AND IT SHOWS.

One could not eat finger food or meat with hand because nails.

Anyways I have accepted my fate.
On Friday My evening started pretty tame.

I went to Four points for some mixer thing and ran into my cousin who I was supposed to call up and hang with but she came as a plus one in the most delicious dress. I'm not even mad about that.

After berating me ( lightly) for being unreliable - I told her its the Yoruba in me ( haha)

We chilled, gave out complimentary cards, Networked ate canapes and drank copious amounts of Chapman ( chapmen? , Chapmandem?)

After this we went to eat PROPER food at churascos- sevice was shit as always so I made sure that there was no tipping.

Service in Nigeria is always so poor. Urgh.

Then the servers after doing such a shoddy job will now be hovering as if I went to work all week to come and dash you money.

Like for real, service was so bad, I ensured total payment came to the exact amount of food we ate, Because I'm petty like that.

After getting liquored up at churascos, we went to the strip club.

Now a huge side bar

Remember how I stopped drinking last year- This is the damn story

So I went to Miami with my friends last year, you know for some light fun and shit, and our last night we decided to pop into King of Diamonds.

So basically we had too much to drink, and gave all our money to Mya. who happens to be a direct descendant from Yemoja, and we were stranded. So picture this 3 drunk women, cash strapped with all the fun in their pockets.

We joined a party bus back to the south beach strip where we were staying and lets just say I swore of alcohol. ( super abridged version because my mother/next employer might read my blog)

So that is the story.

The other day after I shaved my legs and had decadent sex. I was also the recipient of only the most amazing full English breakfast in bed that was accompanied by a well meaning flute of mimosa.

So I started drinking again, after a little over a year of not a drop of alcohol.

Now Let me tell you what I missed the most about drinking- drunk 5am I-just-got-back-from-the-club-im-mad-horny-sex.

Now that I have come clean. Let me tell you about the strip club and how it dawned on me that I deprived myself of alcohol for a whole year for no just cause. ( asides the weight loss)

So I Still do not have an ATM, After drinks at churascos, I had some cash for the strip club and I was mad excited about coming to make it rain on these hoes.

Offcourse I blew all the money in my bag.

My fiance was kind enough to arrange a table for me and drinks for my friends and I ( another side bar, EVENTHOUGH, I met my fiance at the club, I'm  bit reluctant  ( okay maybe very) to go out to the club with him.

For real.

I'm always like hmnnnn style cramping significant other- I think not.

Back to the strip club.

So after thunderstorming on the girls, I felt the need to buy my friend a dance - but I had run out of cash so what did ( not drunk) Ore do?

She in the dark dimmness of the club, brought out her almost dead Iphone- Then logged into her Gtbank banking app- then transfered an *undisclosed* ( because I am majorly ashamed) amount of money to my friend. Begged her to please go to the cash machine for me.

Then She came back with cash- Mistake one- changing all the money.

Mistake two, buying a dance from only the most yellow dancer in the club.

Suffice to say that I did not have money to make my weave to be on fleek on sunday.

My friend Steph was like - You weren't drunk, so what is that about?

I am an ijebu at my core- But strip club dancers are my kyrptonite NOT Alcohol.

Fiance mocked me to death thennnnn pitied me and gave me money to do my hair.

But I did not have fuel to drive to Yaba and struggle for parking space.

So I went to down town.  In VI. And it was relatively cheap.

Cost me N3k to fix my weave and curl it.

I was like nooooo- stapppp. And I have been driving to Yaba for this shit. Mind blown.

So my friend Uloh ( who is only the biggest and most luxurious baby girl on God's green fertile earth) came to join me at the saloon.

I finished my on fleek weave and went home to rest/eat ( which I did not because Uloh said we were going to dinner) and seek out an outfit.

Fastforward to about 10pm, we had a form of a plan. My home girl D came to get me- we went to Steph and then from there were went to get Uloh from Lekki.

You know that thing about not wearing foundation/Powder- Uloh said fuck it, gave me brows on fleek and dusted banana powder on my face( nails got a little stained)

We THEN went to maison Fahrenheit and the service there was so slow. If we weren't constantly heckling our waiter, I swear the second coming of Christ would have met us there.

So five women, half naked dressed up,   slightly drunk because even though the service was not up to par the drinks were not slacking on the alcohol ( and at N3k/glass they had better not be)

So we were already giggly drunk and we decided to go to Sip.

So we get to Sip, We set up a little table order our Henny and mixers and some finger food ( nails take a liking to the pepper stew color)

Why must Nigerians always give us pepper sauce as a dip for every single finger food- Makes no sense. Like you will order Burger with fries and you will get pepper stew on the side.

Barely 45 minutes into the night I see my fiance, so we say hi, and he goes back to his table and I'm with my girls.

10 minutes later he sends me a text- Come to my table.

Me- Ignores text

His Egbon was going to the bathroom, bumps into me talking to one of my aburos said- come and join us.

I say okay- But I don't go.

Then I get another text- where are you?

I pay my bill( stupidly because I should have just put it on his own tab - upset)

And I move all my constituents to his table.

That is where it all went to shit or heaven depends on you.

It was a bit too reckless- I can't front. But It was such good fun. I can not even lie.

I wonder why I have been refusing to party with my Fiance.

I mean ( zero toasters indulgement) because engaged ( another post)

But that's what one signs up for when you say Yes I guess.

It was such a fun night, dancing and kissing up and just being teased by everyone.

When we were suitably happy enough , Iyanya ( who is a literal midget, I'm still upset no one told me) came and decided that Sip will be his karaoke parlor. he gave us an acapella chorus of Mr Oreo.

All shade aside- It was good. or I was drunk

We said no to the karaoke set up, and went to quilox.

Now Quliox at its peak- say 2pm ish, is ashawo central.

But we got there at like 4, party of 15 people and the d-j had gone home.

10 minutes later the dj was up and running and the drinks were up and running and I ran into the man here

Had a pseudo mini reunion and he happened to be with My family friend, who was acting brand new when I ran into him at MF, but realised no one was checking for his ass at Sip and came to say hey at Quilox.

Why do Lagos people do this shit? Like I know you from home, and I'm not wearing rags ( even IF I was ehn) we go to the same church dammit!

However I will let you know that Ore gives as good as she gets, so after I received the cold shoulder at MF, when he came to say hey at Quilox, The side eye with eye-roll combo I dished out was legendary.

Trust me, I went to QC-gave him a little ruff neck sef.

And he was like ahn ahn now- I just started laughing. Uncle do not be acting brand new abeg.

At Six, we were leaving and someone suggest breakfast in the group. I was like NAH. I kent deal please.

I am about to pass out. Then we said we will meet up at 9 on sunday morning.

I woke up and felt like I was in another body. I hurt all over. Like OMG.

So I obviously missed the wedding because I couldn't move.

Today is Tuesday so It has been three days and I still feel like I am in a bubble/haze. I can't hack it.

BUT I was able to buy fuel without queuing ( Yay),

Went to get my suitcase because OMG I am actually going on this holiday. * dying of excitement*

So I finally bought blue lipstick and it was pretty decent will wear it more- when I'm in LA and take photos.

Note: I think I am beginning to Like my engagement ring, and the whole process of being engaged
It did take some time to get used to but after a conversation with Fiance, I decided to go for it.

Also it is so sad that Akeem the general is dead- When I was in the world and I was a mini party girl at 11;45 and insomia and reloaded Akeem used to ply us with drinks, Like it didn't matter ( which is why I think it's madness when men are at the club acting funny because of drinks)

It is so sad because he was one of the few people who understood the night life market in Lagos ( him and Louis priddy)
And gave Lagos a good night life run.

Dear General You will be missed.

Super sad because I would have actually liked him to be at my wedding ( we met at one of his clubs)

Okay enough sadness.

Love and Light and increased alcohol tolerance.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Not one to brag BUT...

I could totally be a travel agent.

between my skills and my praying spirit about finding best deals.

case in point- Vegas

I have been thinking and rethinking Vegas because well- It is Vegas and you know how what happens in vegas stays in vegas.

But I booked my ticket to LA and said you know what, worstcase, I will rent a car and drive down- BUT never mind that I do not have a drivers licence.

So I am talking to my host in LA and boom- he is actually driving down to Vegas, Infact since we are a bunch, he would rent an SUV AND DRIVE MY PARTY AND I DOWN TO VEGAS.

I am having heart palpitations right now because- How lucky can I get?

Quite actually- turns out  the weekend I am going is memorial day weekend AND wait for it All the hotels are - ridiculously priced AND the cheap( affordable) ones are all booked to capacity.

Apparently EVERYONE and their dog is coming to Vegas.

Ps- what is memorial day about?

Anyways So I spend ALL  weekend trying to find a place to stay in Vegas in my price range ( to no avail)

And I come to work and open my devotion, and I see that they tell me, you get what you pray and work for, if you believe. The sermon was modeled on the father of the child who was possessed by evil spirits.

fastforward to me saying - OKay you know what God- You have sorted this out all the whole time- it has been you okay, no me all you

Take vegas accomodation and run with it

(ps- I booked a room at a hotel yesterday out of let me noe be stranded pata pata) but it was not my true hearts desire for a hotel.

Fastforward to me saying Okay God I believe and boom I go and find a timeshare on ebay for my exact dates- at the absolute best price. Only because of the ojukoro in my life that I decided to still send message to price.

I am DYING of excitement about this holiday PLUS my partner just approved my leave form


Friday, May 1, 2015

on assessing one's self

The problem I have.

And it really eats at me because I seem to be an anomaly is that I tend to judge myself my the standards with which I judge others.

Which makes no sense really because if I can not give myself and my circle a break where are they going to get it from?

these standards obviously make me a really horrible friend.

for the most part and it's sad, So if you are my friend AND I have been acting weird.

It;s not you. It's me who is having a hard time not accepting the fact that you are human and you make mistakes and at the end of the day what most people want is not to be alone ( even though I think it is madness)

But I will need to accepting different views exist and people will do what they need to do to get ahead even if it is rubbish and harmful.

I need to find a balance between wanting the best for the friends I have and accepting what they have decided will be their best.

I need to reconnect on a level that has zero judgement with my friends.

I plan to go back to alcohol, soon because my weekend in vegas needs me to have developed some alcohol tolerance.

But I am afraid of drinking. What if I have another horrible alcohol induced experience?

I want to learn to let people be.

I shaved my legs last night. ( I swore I would only wax them since the time I cut myself shaving my legs).

It also led to me having the most decadent sex I have had in a while - So no, I'm not really mad at me breaking my vow of no shaving.

No one told me that after doing kegels for a while, your vagina ACTUALLY GETS TIGHTER.

I mean that is the aim really - but I could swear it was just a fad.

So 10 sessions into kegel exercises, I'm like um.

Maybe I should space them out??

Alsooooo why can weight loss not be as swift as kegel results? nvm I already know the answer to that.

On a lighter note- there has been this girl I liked on instagram, Like her weaves, make up- you know general lagos girl but I have just been drawn to her for no just cause.

But I never followed her because - even I am self aware enough to know that famzing -iz not allowed.

today I was telling my fiance how I liked this girl and blah blah blah and he said- lemmie see her

Oh I know her, next time I will introduce you to her

Children of God I followed her so fast.

I read a lot of books, and there are FEW Nigerian authors I can relate to.

I want Nigerian chick-lit authors who talk about Nigerian men, and traffic and being female in Nigeria that I can relate to.

While I Love sex and the city- lets face it. I am never going to live that carrie bradshaw-esque life In Lagos..

So Nigerian writers- I need you people to get to it.

Speaking of relatable Nigerian experiences - LASTMA caught me in Ikeja yesterday.

I tweeted about it and it was a pretty pleasant experience.

I even dashed the Lastma woman money because once Buhari enters

One chance.

ha ha ha

One more thing.

What is up with NEPA in Nigeria? Like ahn ahn no fuel, no Light I'm just here like *meh*


Listening non stop to Baby all these nights I've struggled and fought my pride scared that someone your type couldn't s...