Tuesday, May 12, 2015

LIT

I can finally say that I have experienced a weekend that deserves that adverb/ adjective.

My weekend was LIT.

For real.- Also LONG POST!

Friday I did not go to work but I did go to a tailor who- GOT my dress right at first try * squeals in excitement) and double points for letting me go sans bra in the dress.

If you know me in real life- you will know that I am here for the bra-less movement which translates to envy for the girls in the itty bitty club ( sometimes)

Anyways I was major pleased with the dress since the wedding was on Sunday, I went to do my nails.

Now two things

White nails are a no no in Lagos if you do not have porcelain skin.

Why?

Because you need to apply foundation, and your "white" nails will turn brown.

But I do not wear foundation ( even though my skin isn't clear) and I went to get white nails done.

I also discounted wearing lipstick. WHITE NAILS ABSORB EVERY DAMN COLOR AND IT SHOWS.

One could not eat finger food or meat with hand because nails.

Anyways I have accepted my fate.
On Friday My evening started pretty tame.

I went to Four points for some mixer thing and ran into my cousin who I was supposed to call up and hang with but she came as a plus one in the most delicious dress. I'm not even mad about that.

After berating me ( lightly) for being unreliable - I told her its the Yoruba in me ( haha)

We chilled, gave out complimentary cards, Networked ate canapes and drank copious amounts of Chapman ( chapmen? , Chapmandem?)

After this we went to eat PROPER food at churascos- sevice was shit as always so I made sure that there was no tipping.

Service in Nigeria is always so poor. Urgh.

Then the servers after doing such a shoddy job will now be hovering as if I went to work all week to come and dash you money.

Like for real, service was so bad, I ensured total payment came to the exact amount of food we ate, Because I'm petty like that.

After getting liquored up at churascos, we went to the strip club.

Now a huge side bar

Remember how I stopped drinking last year- This is the damn story

So I went to Miami with my friends last year, you know for some light fun and shit, and our last night we decided to pop into King of Diamonds.

So basically we had too much to drink, and gave all our money to Mya. who happens to be a direct descendant from Yemoja, and we were stranded. So picture this 3 drunk women, cash strapped with all the fun in their pockets.

We joined a party bus back to the south beach strip where we were staying and lets just say I swore of alcohol. ( super abridged version because my mother/next employer might read my blog)

So that is the story.

The other day after I shaved my legs and had decadent sex. I was also the recipient of only the most amazing full English breakfast in bed that was accompanied by a well meaning flute of mimosa.

So I started drinking again, after a little over a year of not a drop of alcohol.

Now Let me tell you what I missed the most about drinking- drunk 5am I-just-got-back-from-the-club-im-mad-horny-sex.

Now that I have come clean. Let me tell you about the strip club and how it dawned on me that I deprived myself of alcohol for a whole year for no just cause. ( asides the weight loss)

So I Still do not have an ATM, After drinks at churascos, I had some cash for the strip club and I was mad excited about coming to make it rain on these hoes.

Offcourse I blew all the money in my bag.

My fiance was kind enough to arrange a table for me and drinks for my friends and I ( another side bar, EVENTHOUGH, I met my fiance at the club, I'm  bit reluctant  ( okay maybe very) to go out to the club with him.

For real.

I'm always like hmnnnn style cramping significant other- I think not.

Back to the strip club.

So after thunderstorming on the girls, I felt the need to buy my friend a dance - but I had run out of cash so what did ( not drunk) Ore do?

She in the dark dimmness of the club, brought out her almost dead Iphone- Then logged into her Gtbank banking app- then transfered an *undisclosed* ( because I am majorly ashamed) amount of money to my friend. Begged her to please go to the cash machine for me.

Then She came back with cash- Mistake one- changing all the money.

Mistake two, buying a dance from only the most yellow dancer in the club.

Suffice to say that I did not have money to make my weave to be on fleek on sunday.

My friend Steph was like - You weren't drunk, so what is that about?

I am an ijebu at my core- But strip club dancers are my kyrptonite NOT Alcohol.

Fiance mocked me to death thennnnn pitied me and gave me money to do my hair.

But I did not have fuel to drive to Yaba and struggle for parking space.

So I went to down town.  In VI. And it was relatively cheap.

Cost me N3k to fix my weave and curl it.

I was like nooooo- stapppp. And I have been driving to Yaba for this shit. Mind blown.

So my friend Uloh ( who is only the biggest and most luxurious baby girl on God's green fertile earth) came to join me at the saloon.

I finished my on fleek weave and went home to rest/eat ( which I did not because Uloh said we were going to dinner) and seek out an outfit.

Fastforward to about 10pm, we had a form of a plan. My home girl D came to get me- we went to Steph and then from there were went to get Uloh from Lekki.

You know that thing about not wearing foundation/Powder- Uloh said fuck it, gave me brows on fleek and dusted banana powder on my face( nails got a little stained)

We THEN went to maison Fahrenheit and the service there was so slow. If we weren't constantly heckling our waiter, I swear the second coming of Christ would have met us there.

So five women, half naked dressed up,   slightly drunk because even though the service was not up to par the drinks were not slacking on the alcohol ( and at N3k/glass they had better not be)

So we were already giggly drunk and we decided to go to Sip.

So we get to Sip, We set up a little table order our Henny and mixers and some finger food ( nails take a liking to the pepper stew color)

Why must Nigerians always give us pepper sauce as a dip for every single finger food- Makes no sense. Like you will order Burger with fries and you will get pepper stew on the side.

Barely 45 minutes into the night I see my fiance, so we say hi, and he goes back to his table and I'm with my girls.

10 minutes later he sends me a text- Come to my table.

Me- Ignores text

His Egbon was going to the bathroom, bumps into me talking to one of my aburos said- come and join us.

I say okay- But I don't go.

Then I get another text- where are you?

I pay my bill( stupidly because I should have just put it on his own tab - upset)

And I move all my constituents to his table.

That is where it all went to shit or heaven depends on you.

It was a bit too reckless- I can't front. But It was such good fun. I can not even lie.

I wonder why I have been refusing to party with my Fiance.

I mean ( zero toasters indulgement) because engaged ( another post)

But that's what one signs up for when you say Yes I guess.

It was such a fun night, dancing and kissing up and just being teased by everyone.

When we were suitably happy enough , Iyanya ( who is a literal midget, I'm still upset no one told me) came and decided that Sip will be his karaoke parlor. he gave us an acapella chorus of Mr Oreo.

All shade aside- It was good. or I was drunk

We said no to the karaoke set up, and went to quilox.

Now Quliox at its peak- say 2pm ish, is ashawo central.

But we got there at like 4, party of 15 people and the d-j had gone home.

10 minutes later the dj was up and running and the drinks were up and running and I ran into the man here

Had a pseudo mini reunion and he happened to be with My family friend, who was acting brand new when I ran into him at MF, but realised no one was checking for his ass at Sip and came to say hey at Quilox.

Why do Lagos people do this shit? Like I know you from home, and I'm not wearing rags ( even IF I was ehn) we go to the same church dammit!

However I will let you know that Ore gives as good as she gets, so after I received the cold shoulder at MF, when he came to say hey at Quilox, The side eye with eye-roll combo I dished out was legendary.

Trust me, I went to QC-gave him a little ruff neck sef.

And he was like ahn ahn now- I just started laughing. Uncle do not be acting brand new abeg.

At Six, we were leaving and someone suggest breakfast in the group. I was like NAH. I kent deal please.

I am about to pass out. Then we said we will meet up at 9 on sunday morning.

I woke up and felt like I was in another body. I hurt all over. Like OMG.

So I obviously missed the wedding because I couldn't move.

Today is Tuesday so It has been three days and I still feel like I am in a bubble/haze. I can't hack it.

BUT I was able to buy fuel without queuing ( Yay),

Went to get my suitcase because OMG I am actually going on this holiday. * dying of excitement*

So I finally bought blue lipstick and it was pretty decent will wear it more- when I'm in LA and take photos.

Note: I think I am beginning to Like my engagement ring, and the whole process of being engaged
It did take some time to get used to but after a conversation with Fiance, I decided to go for it.

Also it is so sad that Akeem the general is dead- When I was in the world and I was a mini party girl at 11;45 and insomia and reloaded Akeem used to ply us with drinks, Like it didn't matter ( which is why I think it's madness when men are at the club acting funny because of drinks)

It is so sad because he was one of the few people who understood the night life market in Lagos ( him and Louis priddy)
And gave Lagos a good night life run.

Dear General You will be missed.

Super sad because I would have actually liked him to be at my wedding ( we met at one of his clubs)

Okay enough sadness.

Love and Light and increased alcohol tolerance.



3 comments:

Quaggar said...

Love your blog.. must have said so before.

So refreshingly real. And you write like my twin sister from a roughly parallel universe. #dassall.

mizchif said...

I've told you i love you before right? SO no need to repeat myself yea.
Thank you for your abridged no more alcohol story, i shall expect the unabdriged version in person someday.
I'm glad you realised that you wasted your time (minus the weight loss of course) but 1 whole year? props. I'm trying to cut back because body on fleek and what not, but it's so hard to say no. ugggghhhh.
I had one "I'm never drinking again" night in this Lagos back when i was a proper IJGB, Lord knows it was quite brief.
Also can't deal with Quilox and it's ashawos and that fake "gating" they like to form.
Meanwoos you've been to KoD!!!!!
Jealous is an understatement. I need to have a birthday or hen night at such an establishment. Soon.
I need a well paying job, and more baby girls in my life. But i'll still most likely lock myself up in the house with a book so lemme keep quiet.

mizchif said...

I've told you i love you before right? SO no need to repeat myself yea.
Thank you for your abridged no more alcohol story, i shall expect the unabdriged version in person someday.
I'm glad you realised that you wasted your time (minus the weight loss of course) but 1 whole year? props. I'm trying to cut back because body on fleek and what not, but it's so hard to say no. ugggghhhh.
I had one "I'm never drinking again" night in this Lagos back when i was a proper IJGB, Lord knows it was quite brief.
Also can't deal with Quilox and it's ashawos and that fake "gating" they like to form.
Meanwoos you've been to KoD!!!!!
Jealous is an understatement. I need to have a birthday or hen night at such an establishment. Soon.
I need a well paying job, and more baby girls in my life. But i'll still most likely lock myself up in the house with a book so lemme keep quiet.

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