Thursday, August 20, 2015

Counting Hatched eggs and botched Customer service

I think I do not know how to respond to favoritism.

It is that time of the year and some how miraculousy, I've been chosen by the firm to go to Abuja for ICAN conference.

Basically a week of faffing and getting deliriously drunk in Abuja.

On my firm's tab.

sans lobbying.

I feel like the more these things are given to me, the more unworthy I am of them.

Like how can the firm be so mindful of my travel aspirations?

Again- Makes no sense.

Still makes me thankful.

Now you know what Irks me.

Wretched Nigerian businesses.


Now in all fairness. The whole thing started out really tame.

I had ordered two cakes from them one in April which was N5k, a 12 inch cake that was deliciously red velvet and high and moist and decadent and all that good stuff.

So when my mum turned 55 in june, I decided to get another cake from them because I am a last minute princess.

And it was N7k5 and SIGNIFICANTLY smaller. But no yawa. she had cake for a month after so the size wasn't really a big deal.

my uncle is having a surprise party on Saturday so I said oh these guys were decent BUT I need to confirm the size of the cake so I know what size I should pay for.

So I call and ask and I'm told to send an email.

Thats fine.

I send an email and get a reply saying literally that the cake is 14 inches and cost 10k and I should make payment.

And In my mind, I'm like are these people dense, is that what I asked. I asked you what your standard price is and you are telling me its a 14 inch cake.

But I did not say anything, I called them back and said urm hey I sent you guys an email and the first thing they said is- oh they havent seen any email.

So I said- that is really strange because I have gotten a reply to my email.

and then the lady I was speaking to said I should please hold for someone else.

A man with the phoniest accent I've heard in a minute- gets on the line and starts telling me how- urm yeah, he can see an email

Me- yes you have replied said email, so? what size is your 12 inches the big one or the small one?
Him- Actually both cakes are 14 inches
Me- I'm sorry I think you may have the wrong email, I stated that both cakes I ordered were 12 inch cakes. and I can see that these are not 14 inch cakes since i CAME TO GET THEM MYSELF.

This cow, then proceeds to say
- if you look closely you will see that they are the same size

Pause see the cakes.

I said look, go and check your records and get back to me on the size of your cakes okay?

And it ends.

These people call me back 10 minutes later like - oh we have looked through this thing and we are sure that both cakes are the same size at 14 inches.

At this point, I decide that tomorrow, I would get myself up, print the photos out and drive to their office that has zero parking( another issue) and curse someone out.

But I said you know what- Let me be civil and this man said "madam all our cakes are standard size, we have reviewed your. AND IM LIKE



Knowing how badly behaved I was, and how good the cakes there are and cheap.

I deceived to call back and be re conciliatory.  But in the usual  predictable manner of Nigerian business, they refuse to pick up the phone.

So I take it to twitter AND LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.

where everyone sympathizes with me and is like - Duh cakes and cream for cake. cheaper and cheerfuller than these other cake makers.

And I'm like you know what- maybe I should just give them cakes and cream jeje.

After my venting on Twitter. Guess who calls me back?

Saycheese cakes

With an explanation about how some times the batter in a batch is high so it is possible that one of those cakes were bigger, but they do have standard sizing.

*round of applause for the woman at Saycheesecakes*

And I'm like yah thats cool, thats what you should have said not that 1- they are the same size and 2- if i look closely.

Anyways my mind is made up to not use them because I really hate liars.

The lady said please hold on.

And mr Phony accent comes on to say that - He does not know why I took it to twitter. and he thinks that was unncessary as..


was it not after I abused you on twitter you 1- called me back to give me that bullshit excuse about cake batter and apologize.

so what are you saying

Then he said madam if you continue to speak to me like this, we would not be taking your business.


I dropped the phone again. rubbish.

First of all, you have made 2 cakes for me who has ordered at least 15 cakes this year alone.

trust me, you do not even have a fraction of my business.

So yah.

Second-  You are opening your dirty mouth to tell me to look closely.


I was really upset.

So anyway, Management at saycheese cakes, I advice you to

1. send the man in your office to finisshing school on how to liaise with paying customers.

like is the cake free?

anyways I hate when Nigerian businesses have amazing products and shit customer service.

It is the saddest thing.

So saycheese I am rooting for you. clean your act up and tell your security men that when customers come to your store- he should stop barking- GO AND LOOK FOR PARKING SPACE, but actually look for space for your customers.

Free good advice.

Anyways I will not be sending any more people your way since you clearly have way too much business in your oven.


Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Inlaws and Random conversations

So Sunday morning in barcelona

I go by my Mother in laws apartment, she is there with her friend and her husband

as well as her sister in law( her husbands cousin's wife) who she happens to be very close to.

We have having a casual conversation when her sister in law just blurts out

"Ore thank you for looking after our Son for us"

And I easily smoothly replied "AH, mummy, he is the one looking after me o, he is kuku the one  brought me here and  see all that he has done for me"


Me * in my mind* Ah Aunty, you should know by now that I can never be caught slipping.

She then dashed me money and took me too lunch and my mother inlaw was really excited.

And I'm like- you guys need to come up with better tests for me.

This conversation came to me after looking through my time line and people CRYING about inlaws.

ALSO, 5 Gold stars for my Amazing amazing amazing mother in law, who is slowly morphing into my own mother and weirdly friend.

Everyone keeps saying how lucky I am that she loves me.


I am likeable sometimes.

Okay will be back with more holiday related posts and photos.

I promise.

Saturday, August 15, 2015


The city is so beautiful.
Before I came here there were too many decisions that I had in my mind that were borderline maybe.

Like coming here cleared my head.
Traveling with Eros was exciting.
Worthy to note that sex outta town is wayyyy different.( not complaining)

But God saw my filthy mind and sent the red robot my way.( guess who isn't pregnant) *throws confetti in the air*

Will be back with a more decent post. Soonish. 

Friday, August 7, 2015


Do you guys like my Blog over haul?

It takes me forward to when I become prim and proper and all that good stuff

Speaking of forward


But only because Yewande of SLTFT's just put up a photo of Venus d milo (sp?)

And lots of chinese tourists as a back drop. Loved it

I need a gun.

For two reasons, One being that my driver RAN AWAY.

I swear I will kill him when I find him ( Not with the gun)

Like duh, the gun is not for him, It is for all the OTHER  animals who drive in Lagos without home training that I will need to shoot.

Like excuse me, see that white line, if for your car to stay inside not straddle.

Ps- I had no idea that straddle could be used in any other context asides woman on top of a man.

Blame ALLL the mill's and boons my mother used for my literary development.

Pss- I hate growing up and finding that M&B stories aren't really real/ relatable.

Like I'm not going to be brushing my hair and look out my window and see the labourer in the next compound and our eyes will meet and the beginning of this sexually delicious but tense romance will start and end with me finding that he isn't really a labourer just a multi-billionaire (dangote's son -if you will), who just prefers to get his hands dirty and fix this roof for the house he built himself from gound up (thanks to  his building technology degree-that he doesnt use because he is running daddy's dynasty), and wants to donate to charity.

WHOOOOOSAAAAAAA. As you can see totally un-relate-able.
For one, I use a wide toothed comb through my really lush human hair that cost me a fortune ( what I eventually gave in).

And two my window is closed and the curtain is drawn, why?

Because the A/C is on.

Okay enough of the reasons why this won't work out.

I missed by friend's birthday dinner due to no fault OF MINE.

And I Know it is unacceptable and all that BUT....

Look, It happens.

Now she wont speak to me anymore.

And it just further re-inforces the story that I am really a horrible person.


and I like to think I am not.

I told my friend(not really)  that my Driver left- And he was like- WELLLLLLLLLLLL, no surprises really, you were awful.

I hate to sound needy and whiny but I swear I am not that bad a person. *bursts into tears*

Figuratively off course.

pss- I am getting ready for Barcelona. Like I'm just accepting the fact that I am a fatso.

And would be giving them strictly one pieces ONLY, among other things.

But yah.
You ever wonder why Nigeria is just so full of ugliness?

(I mean its not ugly, but itis full of a lot of ugliness)

I mean home girl just got back from Greece AND LET ME TELL YOU


I mean. Greece is beautiful  ( and broke)

But that doesn't take away from how beautiful it is.

Like the water is clean. the air is fresh, the scenery, the sun set AND OHMYGAD the Men.

Look- Greek men are at the top of the pecking order.

So beautiful. Just so swoon-worthly-beautiful and their bodies.

You Nigerian men with you pot bellies you disguise in your agbada's - we see you and love you but NO.

The greek men win this one.

Here is to an amazing weekend.


I keep getting little signs that maybe I am on the right track, Just maybe,