Thursday, January 29, 2015

tattoo cravings

I want a tattoo.

I was at the gym last night and I flipped my braids and found the perfect spot for a tattoo.

However, I feel like OMG I am waay to old to get a tattoo now.

Another thing is this. I want a bible passage tattoo.

Oscar pistrzxsytsb ( girl friend shooter) has the most delicious one.

It paraphrases 1 corinthians 9:26-27.

Go and check it out. It is perfect for a blade runner.

Anyway since your's truly doesn't really read her bible- I am yet to discover a bible passage

That resonates with me so greatly and I would not regret putting in my body in 5 years.

Also did I tell you people I am now an orobo?

OMG I am so fat now. :(

And the weirdest thing is how I quite like it.

because at the bottom of my heart, sexy to me is that Yoruba type chunky fat with a little kangaroo pouch and chunky thighs.

Think of juicy chicken.

But at the top of my heart and in the best interest of my bank account since I have ZERO interest in changing my wardrobe.

I can not afford to let myself attain my bottom of my heart sexy status

- I am a liar; I am already there.

Think - Thicker than a snicker type chunky.

Anyways I sha need to loose all this weight before I permanently become a size 12

And my stomach spills out of my clothes always

I am still stuck in dready london AND due to unforseen circumstances

Guess whose stay got extended?

This means I had to line up activities for the weekend.

Home girl E is flying in tonight to see me while, I have a bunch of lunch dates/ shopping dates and dinner dates- ALL lined up for the weekend.

Again- Not a single drop of work would be concluded over the weekend because- YOLO.

LOL- jk.

Also I need to get a brazillian done. any good recommendations?

I'm in central london but will travel to the moon to find a good waxer.

Gosh I miss my waxing lady in Dundee. She was a star!

Ps: My newest lastest fangirl obession #MEGATRON

I am totally obsessed with Meghan Trainor.


and I resonate with her, Haven't felt so strongly about any one since Mel-Fiona.

and y'all know I worshipped her.

Anyways Back to work now-  But I would be randomly updating on my twitter.

Finally I have a question I need to ask-

With all this Candy, why you gotta be Salty Kris?


Monday, January 26, 2015

The weekend and overnight generators

I went marathon shopping over the weekend.

My whole life hurts.

However I stayed up till 4 am reading on saturday having a lie in.

Now I want to tell you people( who do/do not read my blog)

I do not know think believe am not sure if I am cut out for marriage.

I know I know.

I have finished school and I have a job and don't I want kids?

Yes but is marriage the next available thing?

I just feel like there must be MORE. Out there than becoming someone else's wife?

You know.

Like That can not just be all.

There just has to be more the Nigerian woman can aspire to than to be a Mrs.

and that should be okay.

apparently NOT. My uncle spent the whole afternoon grilling and drilling me about getting married until I just started wailing.

Like can I live?

Yes I mean women are being applauded for wanting to get married.

Why do they stress women who DO NOT want to get married?

Like it makes no sense to me.

I just wanna travel, see the world and enjoy my life.

( It does not help that marriage has such a bad reputation of being a life sucking special purpose vechicle to dehumanize women in Nigeria - But I digress)

While there are no certainties in life- I know I can fall off a cliff on one of my holidays,

and get food poisioning or whatever.

I am just not ready to get married.

BUT OMG everyone. Is on my case to get married.

And honestly- I think I like my life; Like I am just starting to actually like the life I am living and now I have to go and switch it up?

anyways that is that.

Overnight generators.

I did not grow up rich- re Nigerian standard rich; I mean now I am just enjoying my life and all that but we were pretty much below the poverty line growing up. Do not let this lavish lifestyle fool you.

I am a literal Ajebutter late entry candidate.

So sha growing up we did not have light and water( most times) so we had a generator AND we fetched water with buckets.

Anyways my mother sole provider for food and shelter and light and water for the whole family was team no over night generator.

i.e the gen comes on at 7 and goes off at 12 midnight then on at 6 am to go off at 7am.

and that is how we were rolling till my mother turned 40.

she woke up one day with the most disturbing headaches. She said she couldnt understand them and they would not go away.

So she did what every God fearing Nigerian mother would do. She went to London for a medical check up.

-Sidebar, if you can afford it get superior healthcare outside the country. For real.

Anyway so my uncle ( same as above) happens to be a doctor, he told her it might be hormonal/menopause/he doesn't really know?

Her tests all came back good and her blood work was perfect and all that.

So tail between her legs she came back to Nigeria.
First night of her return, she thought to herself since I am going to die anyways, Might as well shack the generator till Morning.


The headache was not there in the morning? She said she thought it was because she just came back from london so we didnt notice.

After a week, she saw the diesel costs and decided to put off the gen at midnight-

Like clockwork the headaches returned.

needless to say we now have TWO, generators and my mother has NEVER slept sans generator ever again.

On the two occasions where there was no light and no gen.

My mother fled to a hotel. leaving her children to the mercy of candles and lanterns and heat and the sound of other people's generators.

Needless to say I can not sleep without light.

One time like 3 years ago, I went to sleep over at  visit my then lover.

That is how 8 pm Nepa took light and the gen was not starting.

Best believe I packed up our stuff and went to one hotel( name withheld) at lekki express to spend the night.

Some things are pretty much a necessity and not a luxury.

Overnight generator is one of them.

Guess who is too broke to eat lunch today?

The person who went and bought ridiculous amounts of earrings at Debenhams this weekend.

Thats who!

Friday, January 23, 2015



That is how I walked, No TREKKED. the whole of Piccadilly today looking for wagamama.

I dunno if you guys are aware but I have a one track mind.

I am team. see like chase. till I get then not like anymore, but I digress.

So that is how after trekking the whole of london and not finding the place.

I now said lemmie kuku enter barclays and see if I can sort out my card.

You know how Nigerian banks will you doing as if you are shit and you will have to come back later and etc etc etc.

The girl that attended to me was so damn pleasant.

For one, she said give me a minute.

Unblocked my card, took my details. helped me change my address and phone number at the bank.


did the most amazing thing.

Home girl printed out a new card for me.

Instead of ordering it to my house.

I was in awe.

of efficient customer service.

All of this 15 minutes.

Although there was a 10 minute wait.

I was almost worshipping her.

After all this I did not feel too bad.

I went to my happy place and got some hapiness in a box.


Anyways, I am torn between two things.

sleeping and reading all day tomorrow OR marathon shopping at Lakeside with my aunt who is LEGENDARY.

But one thing is for certain. not a single * insert SI unit for work* shall be done tomorrow.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Hyde Park Run anyone?

I am currently In the coldest city of London for work.

Totally Short notice and Definitely undeserved.

When I said I wanted to see family in  London; I had no idea that
1- I would get that wish granted barely 2 weeks after making it

and 2- My actual job would make it possible.

Let me throw some surface light on what I do.

I have one of those jobs that basically foot soldiers do all the work and Oga's at the top just pop in scream and bounce.

Leaving you will all that shit- and sometimes it's okay.

I mean, It keeps me in my glad rags.

But for the most time- there was minimum almost non existent fringe benefits.

And in the unlikelihood of those benefits occurring- Such as an all expense paid trip out of town( hello Shopping) even though it is for work- Oga's at the top find a way of taking those for themseleves too. Even when that shit is waay below their pay grade.

Anyway so there I was minding my own business in Aswani Jeje when- I get a call from my manager whom I am supposed to go to Abuja with on sunday Telling me I'm coming to London for work.

Me- But I have my clients all lined up till march.

when in reality- I did not want to come because I had no interest in coming out of town and working under someone else ( meh sue me, I like my working style)

Anyway so he said I should just prepare myself and. I told him- I'm still going to Abuja anyways. We laughed.

I did not do my hair- or laundry. Instead I booked a one way ticket to Abuja for work.

I arrived Abuja- Turns out my new manager has been calling me all day.

She needs all my passport details for travel.

Me- Meh; I will send them.

She requested I return on friday since I was leaving on saturday?/ sunday? she wasnt too sure.

For someone who is always excited to travel- I was a bit meh.

I really hate working with women ( surely you can tell by now);

So long story short- I miss my family thanksgiving my flight is delayed by two hours ( hallo virgin)

BUT I meet the absolutely funnest cabin crew boy in my life.

Side bar- Yoruba men LOVE me.

Assistant Side bar- What is up with Nigerians and that accent. urgh that puesdo accent that melts away when they see you would really not mind them speaking normally.

Anyways I arrived London in one piece- Thankful.

Get my stuff. Find my cab driver. Get to my hotel and slowly I am getting excited.

My Apartment is AHMAZINGGGG!

The fact that I have to work till 10pm every night is not. :(

I miss shopping.

So I woke up this morning thinking I would go for a run- Ps I can see Hyde park from my bedroom window.

Hotel is fucking Lavish for real.

Anways so I check the temprature. Its -4 degrees.

I am guessing this fat will be firmly wedged in between my boobs and love below pending when I can get my fitness shit together.

Ps- My new woman manager IS not so bad- I just really hate authority.
2- She has already asked me when I am getting married.

Women are so weird thinking we would bond over man stories.

I am learning to keep my man troubles ( although non existent) to my self these days.

Totally not interested in unsolicited advice- which by virtue of being Nigerian might as well be free-er than oxygen on this marriage matter.

Anyways Back to work.

I have done shit but faff all damn day tbh.

Also being the most junior person here means I need to do grunt work like - expenses.

Urgh wth?

I haven't done expenses since maybe  2011.

LOL I mean I don't mind- My ego is just a little bruised.

For real I am waaay to old to work on expenses.

But Look, I keep saying I hate my job and then I randomly sans lobbying get picked to go to london for work.

That Arik Jollof rice def set the tone for Favor this year.

Also no one seems to believe me when I tell them I did zero lobbying. Infact I get steady side eyes.

And Im like y'all think Im trying to call in favors when I wanna leave?

LOL. Jokers.

Anyways- Im guessing these are the favors that make it look like you are a liar.

side-est bar.

Does this mean I am actually good enough at my job that my firm thinks Im good enough to go?

Like this client is not even my sector. And I had other things to do.

Talk about hand picked from nothing.

Still cant wrap my mind around it.


The men in my client's offices are so kind to me
-Have you had dinner
- Do you want to have dinner
- Will you let me know when you are leaving the office
- Will you come and work for us
-Are you always this excited

-You have a really nice smile
- Let me have your number.

Last one; you called it Yoruba boy.

Look I'm not even mad. London is cold AF.

I can honestly understand why marriages in london last longer than the ones in Lagos

Asides the zero interfernce from family/MIL

this weather will make you cling to that lying SOAB so damn hard.

Like baby its cold outside- I know we hate each other- But cuddle?

Then Kiss? Then Make up? haha

But really tho- babes can not be going out on random dates and standing at the bus stop freezing away when You have a warm body at home.

But Lagos- ah Lagos is warm enough for the body heat you need to be generated by a O-mazing rabbit from ann summers.

Then with the heat of Abuja. You can imagine how dispensable these men are.

Anyways Just an update.

Im coasting here. On auto pilot for now. Can not wait till weekend. Booyah!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Happy Dust

So many amazing things happening to me this year.

But first last year

January: I went back to school late ( I swear I came to Nigeria every chance I got!), anyways I finished up my dissertation and was mad stressed. Finalized plans for Miami

February: Submitted my dissertation and went to London and Coventry. And Houston .

March: MIAMI. Also stopped drinking alcohol- side bar Mya the stripper who took all my ones at King of Diamonds- I have you to partially blame for this. Came back to Nigeria

April: Started work ( urgh) went to Abuja. Fell in love with having a job.

May: Went back to Abuja-Also found out I was graduating with a Distinction. Booyah!

June: Went to Greece for the weekend that Absolutely changed my life- HELLO BABY GIRL!. Graduated; my mother was soo proud; I might have burst from Joy. Also- Mummy's birthday was a day before my graduation. Grand ma turned 80

July:Came back to work. Started falling out of Love with my job. Underwent my hardest client yet. rose from the ashes like a phoenix. Hosted a really really really intimate dinner at oriental. Ps: The views from the presidential suites are AHMAZING.

August: Fell into a job rut. Work kicked my ass so badly. Had a sever case of wanderlust. had a really nice public holiday

September: Went to abuja on an all expense paid holiday for the week. I also stayed at a really nice hotel ( was super loney in my hotel room); But I loved the experience. My sister turned a year older; she went to dxb for her birthday ( after much pushing from me) and now I am dying of envy.

October: Went back to Lagos then came to abuja for work. My uncle got married. Everyone had given up; we were all really excited.

November: Came to Abuja again for work. Delayed the trip for a week for my birthday! I turned 26 and the year looked really good thus far. I was really happy as I  received most of what I wanted for my birthday. :) Went to Warri for that wedding I spoke about in October. I also moved house- finally have my own room; although my sister is still constantly stealing from me.

December: Worked in Lagos. Which the driving took a toll on me. All the way from Chevron drive to aswani daily. Struggle life ( previously I lived and worked in Ikoyi); Mummy remarried. Had a lavish 80th for my grandma. Did my camo nails; and they were beautiful.

In 2014- I was happy. Looking back- really happy. I know how they say the brain is a depreciating organ but I actually can not get over how happy I am.

I have wonderful people in my life. Men who make me laugh hard; Women who make me abandon my goals to stop gossiping; Parental units who looked out for me.

So thankful.
Looking back at 2014 has me so damn thankful.

2013 was an emotionally difficult year for me so in 2014 I threw myself into general betterment and making a concious effort to be happy.

2015 however is trying to drown me in Gods favor.

Its so scary and wonderful at the same time. Would tell you about it l8r.

Monday, January 5, 2015

New year same everything else

ps- ramble and Typo alert.

If I need to talk about EVERYTHING that has happened to me in the past weeks.


I mean so much has happened since Christmas day.

first off- I met a boy.

Well my heart and body met the boy. my brain went into Voltron mode and refused to allow me meet the boy.

*in kevin harts voice* Let me explain.

You know how when you meet someone. your stomach has those random butterflies

and your heart has an erratic beat ( I start having palpitations)

But you see for every boy I meet; or I have been opportuned to meet;I know the reaction.

So I know how to react accordingly.

So I met this boy and I had the most unusual reaction- I was literally short of breath.

It was so fucking ridiculous.

Like here I am in my village house- barking orders around and just generally being a Lagos bad bitch and I see him and I cant breathe.

So our eyes met and we did this little song and dance thing ( I swear this is not in my head)

And in that instant I KNOW; I would never allow myself meet him.

I found someone else to attend to the people he came with and I went inside to sit; catch my breath and settle down, and guess who walks in?

Mr air dementor.

This boy/man/person literally sucked out the air from my being.

And I did what every coward who feels the need to live to fight another day does.

I Fled.

Ran away. went upstairs to hide till I knew he had left.

Turns out he is my uncle's wives cousin; who popped in for Xmas in my village because he had never been. Also turns out he is an off shore engineer at Shell.

Look I am not even going to go into this any further.

Lets just say I was very very very proud of my self control.

After the whole celebration on saturday.

My mother got married on sunday.

( and that is all I am going to say about that for now- till I am able to work through all the motions of how I feel about the whole thing)

(pss- My parents have been divorced for EONS. so it's not like she has two husbands- Plus she has returned the dowry my father paid)

psss- she went and got married to yet ANOTHER Yoruba man. ha ha - what can I say- the heart wants what the heart wants!

On monday I did some work because I was supposed to count stock in Benin and warri as my yearly store count wahala thingy.

I was not impressed to say the least but it worked out okay.

In benin after the count I went to Kada fries ( think silver bird in its glory days); to wait for my cousin, and some man comes up to chat me up.

So I tell him yes I might see a movie; but not right now as I am waiting for my cousin.

So this man says I have to come to join him then gives me money to buy my ticket for me and my cousin when she comes so we can come and join him.

When my cousin showed up- she asked me if I was not afraid of gbomo gbomo.

I asked her why she did not tell me that; this is how they are sharing money in Benin; I would have been coming more often.

we laugh- she calls me a word not suitable for my blog audience

And i'm like abeg abeg. we go to find mama ebo pepper rice ( nothing fantastic)

and I'm going back to emevor when my client tells me I can do the warri stock taking.

I am in awe- this means no work tomorrow; I can take the first flight out of warri I scheme.

After the count I go to Osubi- guess what


So I sleep in on new years day.

Bond with my cousins just generally lounge and listen to loud music and muse about how delicious the year was.

Then I have to go to lagos, I am sad to leave- I really like the village and my grandma.

Anyway I get to the airport and I have to return the garri that someone saddled me with to give my mother.

I get on the plane and tease the cabin crew guy about how I want new years rice.

We laugh about it; and I fall asleep

I wake up and this guy actually brings me jollof rice and chicken while everyone else has that miserable arik cake.

If this is any indication of how my year is going to pan out- I am uber excited.

After all the passengers disembark- I stay behind to thank the air host for the rice.

Ps- ya'll know I do not rate Arik for shit[ However this flight departed on time; light skinned airhost gave me special jollof rice and there was zero turbulence]

And I touched down Lagos.

I love lagos.

while I slept into NYE I am sure that it was delicious for those awake- especially those in dubai.

That statement is laced with all the envy I can possibly muster.

I came home to jo malone candles; perfume and a new iphone.

I told you guys that jollof rice on the plane set the tone for the year.

At the back of my mind- it feels like this is the year I get married.

I am indecisive about getting married sometimes because I do not know if its what I want; or what is expected of me.

in my life usually the lines are blurred.

Be that as it may--- RESOLUTIONS

1- to stop gossiping
note- I think I am deferring this one till June.
2- to be kinder
note- This seems to be working
3- to let people be
note- I am a hoarder by nature so letting people go is hard but I have so much dead weight. ah
4- to align my hearts desires with the right thing
note- look how I walked away from the boy that might have given me the most fulfilling village romance ever- I think I am on the right track
5- to travel
note- life sponsors and sugar daddies welcome
6- to read more
note- this is an aseju resolution; I am up till 2 am on weekdays reading books
7- to study my bible more
note-shamefully I do not even go to church anymore; I just lie in bed on sunday mornings and tweet or catch up on whatever
8- to be happy
note- I realised that the more flexible I became on situations; the happier I became, so I guess I should be wanting to be more flexible.
9- To shop less
note- but I find that shopping brings me so much joy( Must be all the daddy and Yoruba boy issues I have accumulated over the years)
10- To foster a relationship with my father
note- This is probably going to be the hardest thing to do- butttt I will keep you all updated during the process[ pss; if anyone has the exact daddy issues, come let us share sob stories while I ply you with copious amounts of alcohol]

So in Light of all this ; this new year I wish you money in your pocket, bread on your table and butter in your bread.

psssss- is it too early to put up my valentines day wish list yet; seeing as my birthday was such a smashing success?!

Also, I hope all our deepest darkest hearts desires come true this year.

LOL I just noticed I did not include anything about becoming fitter in 2015.
Meh. More doing less talking I guess.

Emails at 1am

This week the love of my life Uloh was in town. Sooo we went out eating drinking running and just generally doing nuisancey shit around tow...