Monday, March 30, 2015

On Fixing your life

You know one thing I have never understood

The thing where a woman is lied to and betrayed by the man she loves but somehow IS ridiculed by everybody.

Twitter I see all of you with your hearts never broken and your 120% faithful men.

So over the weekend I was un-fortunate enough to watch the Karauche tran episode where she unfortunatley invited that hag Iyanla to come and * cough* Fix her life.

Children OF the great God- Please why will she do this?

Anyways the interview started with this Life fixer taking the  most advantage of her.

I was sooooo MAD.

LOL I am stilll so mad.

She actually said and I quote to this poor Karauche- I believe like attracts like; so tell me what part of you is Damaged to attracted a Damaged man.

#PAUSE.

This heifer, came into Karauche's house to tell her she was damaged because she dated Chris Brown.

Erm Aunty?

Anyways at that Point karauche's manager told them to SHUT DOWN the interview asap.

After sometime- probably putting Iyanla on a leash, she started asking proper questions and potraying  Kara in the light that she should have from the on set.

Look- I get that fame is hard. It really is.

And there are fewer worse things than having your cheating ass boyfriend betray you in front of all you 3 million twitter and 8 million instagram followers but; It doesnt make you damaged.

I am sending Good vibes to Karauche. ( who I must confess is mighty stupid for using such a useless medium to get her voice heard) BUT No one deserves to be called daddy-less by someone who is trying to Fix your life for you.

ALSO- Mayyyjorrr shout out to Xtina Milian for Shutting down Iyanla when she was attempting to throw shade.

Iyanla was like - As a friend where were you when your friend was being lied to, betrayed and having  her love taken for granted by the media

Xtina Cut her in like- All women experience this so what is your point?


oohhhhhh.


Also I watched an episode of RHHOA over the weekend.

Throws bucket of judgement on people who watch the ratchet mess that is that show abeg.

ahn ahn.

Alsoooooo human beings are so weird. Like people offend you then when you keep your distance from them they start acting like - ah ah you are some how.

And I am like - really.

Trick check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Final thing people I have learnt and I think you can not go wrong with protection of personal space on the internet.

Look if it makes you salty- BLOCK IT

If it's poster inspires envy- MUTE THEM

I feel like social media is really my escape from reality where I am a direct descendant of Lot's wife ( Pillar of salt) in real life SOOOOO I do not need to come online and find more reasons to be saltier than a bag of lays.

No for real- My internet space is basically- sugar spice and every fucking thing nice...

I want my internet space to say to me everytime I log on- ALL THIS CANDY AND YOU STILL WANNA BE SALTY.

Not- here extra salt for your already salty life?

Meanwhile It is Holyweek this week.

I am excited, relieved and thankful for God's grace through this lent season.

Can not believe it is almost 5 Days left.

Thankful.

Monday, March 23, 2015

On liking myself

This post is going to go three ways- one about last night, two about what I want to comment about this post and three , my unwillingness to adopt baby girl in my bio.

This weekend was what good weekends are made off.

But we start from thursday.

I went to dinner * almost celebratory* with a few friends in town.

Again It was amazing and interesting and delicious and I am dead for the lowkey-ness of traffic in maitama.

Also I absolutely LOVE how women who do not want to do things, can get away with the phrase "you know I am a woman".

For example- we go to traffic and there was parking constraint ( as always); so the parking attendant decided to pop us into one ridiculous corner.

Now my friend has been driving for a longgggg time but we had had long days, she did not want stress, she just told the parking guy- you know I am a woman find me another space do not allow me hit someone's car, the parking man swiftly directed her somewhere.

Home girl expertly parked her car and the parking man was visibly upset he said- BUT you can drive well now; why were you lying.

My friend- I didn't want stress.

I am not above using my perceived feminine weakness to my advantage and I am unapologetic about it.

Anyway so dinner was amazing; everyone seemed surprised that I was fasting;

And I seemed surprised that everyone pegged me as someone who would dabble into "sugar mummy-isim"

LOL.

Hardly.

I think people are odd when it comes to money and lovers.

personally I love. LOVE love presents.

However, in the usual manner of life screwing one over, I do not get as many presents as I deserve / want.

So I over compensate by giving presents- the kind I would like.

Offcourse even I know it means I would only be dissapointed but I find that I actually really like giving presents and so I give them. meh.

lady in the post up there is being led to believe that you can not have it all.
FALSE.

Yes there is such a minor minor minor portion of the exisiting minority of happily married women who have jobs, and have kids and some how make it work.

What they tell me- all of them is the same thing, you need two things- Find someone who understands that your marriage is for two of you and

who is willing to do the things that make it work for two of you.

One woman is particular has three kids she works in london while her husband works in Nigeria and America- and let me tell you; this woman is the ultimate damn baby girl.

I kid you not, went out to lunch with her and she had the warmest lushest rabbit fur stole.

( her husband bought it for her), and I was just like really?

And she said while you need to defer to your husband in public in Nigeria pretty much to save face- outta town you can do whatever the hell you want and "who gon check you boo boo?" her answer is NO DAMN ONE.

So You need to leave Nigeria to be happily married I asked her.

She replied- no, you need to marry a man whose mind has left Nigeria and is exposed.

Me- ahhhh I see.

On getting good grades and being the best you can be- It really is for your benefit and personal conscience.

I personally Love to coast because- baby genius over here. ( LOL JK), but I am inherently lazyyy.

I need to emphasize how lucky I am that the man I am getting married to- is happy with the idea of a maid.

* throw back titbit*

First time I went to his house and slept over, in the morning I was trying* key word being try* to make the bed and put the room in order.

He walked out of the shower and saw me and asked what are you doing?

Me- err making the bed.

Him- Leave it, someone will come and sort it out.

Obviously now my bed making skills are HORRIBLE.

Because while they were horrible before, my zero practice lead me to be a more horrible bed maker.

However I picked up other bed skills so I am not half mad. * insert lecherous laughter here*

But if you can- it is always advisable to perform at your optimum capacity.

Soooo on saturday morning, I went swimming at my hotel- took about 1000 photos and then ordered small chops.

Sunday I went to church- AHMAZING. then went to find a tailor; then bought the most delicious fish ever liveth.

Demolished said fish and went to XO for karaoke.

Now I have complained about how the women in abuja are not fancy in relation to clothes. Like aunties and gals will just be wearing rags under the guise of I drive a benz.

True Lagos girl at my core- I am dead for any opportunity to GIVE THEM.

But abuja really calms me down- Like half the time I have to go out, I just go from work, and yall know I wear rags to work in abuja.

Anyway- That is how on sunday I went to Xo with Uloh.

Uloh is the supreme leader of all the baby girls collectively on the face of God's green fertile and fruitful earth.

So going out with her is always always always a fun activity.

In the usual manner of things a nice young man sat beside me and began to make conversation.

He said I looked good for my age- Pause minus 10 points, and then offered me a drink.

I did the whole song and dance about how No- I am not drunk and No- I am not pregnant and No- I am not sick and No- I would really not like a drink because I simply do not drink.

So water was ordered; baby girl Uloh got champagne.

Pause Nigerian men are so extra- which one is champagne at karaoke?

Anyway Young man proceeds to slather me with compliments.

while I live for compliments- compliments from drunk married men don't really do much for me.

but he said - I see you and I have spoken to you and you just seem like the kind of woman that a man would be naked in bed with and not get physical with immediately because he wants to pick your mind.

Me- Pause.

Him- That is a compliment

Me- Okay thank you.

and he also said- you are all covered up are you not bothered that all the other girls here are dressed like * people who came to sell market*

Me- Again, Not interested in Abuja market rn, but thanks for your observation.

Then he pointed out how women get married and stop looking attractive.
And on and on he went till he said

You really do not give a shit about what I am saying or what men want- do you?

Me- Finally, we are on the same page. * cue laughter*

But the ultimate compliment was that - I would make an amazing wife.

Me- ha I know.

I am a liar (because you know, I do not know)

but it is weird because everyone says that and I am like huh? Y'all be tripping.

In same vein, everyone says I will be a sugar mummy.

And the really weird thing is how I cant stand younger men- FOR SHIT.

Except that one time with my darling J-lo. * inside joke*

Steps on self awareness soap box.

Point is this- I made no effort to glean further enlightenment from my dear married man who only wants to be friends- the same way I must have been born 2 years ago-.

Which is odd, because before if a man touched my palm and said Oh my lord your hands are so soft.

My default answer ( do not judge me) would be- ha, and they are the hardest part of my body * insert coy smile*

I told you people I really like men. and they like me back.

And men will fall into this thirst trap and on and on till I have to leave or whatever- I digress

My point is- I was unbothered.
 
Like I could not even muster enough energy to pretend to be bothered.

I could not care less-even if I tried my hardest.

And when I was leaving and he asked me if he could call me I told him gently

- That I was clearly not in the market for married men as "friends".

I am always so proud of my self when I can turn down advances without being rude or stand-offish.

I mean it must be so hard to walk up to the opposite sex and declare interest.

And It must be heart wrenching to be shut down viciously like your dreams are not valid.

even if you know in your heart that these wet dreams are really invalid.

Fancy- This is a word my close friends would use to describe me- and I am like no. no no.

I am nothing like that.

Baby girl- Is the other word.

One of my friends who I spent the weekend with was telling me how she just looks at my enjoyment and it is apt.

And I am like but noooo- I want more; then she looks at me and says

Any thing more than this- you know it's runz abi?

It is always nice to be operating at your fullest baby girl capacity I guess.


Friday, March 20, 2015

that awkward moment when

ULOH decides to cancel and then no more amusement park.

However- swiming at the club house in Abuja today.

Also- guess who does not know what they want to do again?

I spoke to my mother yesterday and told her how I didn't know if I wanted to be an accountant again.

So she suggested strategy.

I said no- maybe HR?

She laughed at me and told me I just had a long day and I should relax.

My back hurts. I need a FULL BODY MASSAGE.

with my compulsory visit to get a hammam bath.

Did I mention that - I would be switching to black soap now?

I am ready for flawless skin thanks.

And everyone seems to swear by it.

So if you are in abuja and you know a market where I can buy black soap please

hola at your girllll.

Thanks.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

And this.

I have sound the most delightful account describing my work life.

http://howshouldweaccountforme.tumblr.com/

and this is me at year end for real.

pss- I am going to an amusement park today and I am so deliriously excited.

Also you guys must know by now that i am easily excitable, But I am burstingggg!

The fish

And not fish mooney ( sp?) from Gotham.

Anywayssss.

I got an email from Remi yesterday.

I met ( term used super loosely here- because I have not physically met him BUT heeeey) Remi on my blog, then on Instagram then in my emails.

But Yesterday Remi sent me the most delightful email.

And I was so touched because - just because it was something he did not have to do; but he did.

And I love that

Actually I really liked it.

And I am thankful. So Remi Thank you.

If you must know the gist of the email- He sent me a link to a Paulo Cohelo interview I hadn't heard.

he thought to share since on my lil ol blog is where he first heard of PC.

AND yall know that i literally worship at the literary altar of mr Cohelo, so win win?


Anyway thank you.

Second thing of note- My Self absorbtion is at an all time low.

maybe I should keep busy more.

How do I know- Self awareness.

well not really.

My friend started seeing someone- so in true fashion I hit her up to ask who.

Home girl was like urm she wasn't ready to share and I was like cool cool.

( this was last night)

I just realized that the old me would have hit up our mutual friend to squeeze out said boyfriends name from her- But I'm just like yeah eventually we will find out who peace.

You guys does this mean I am on the first step to my recovery from chronic gossiping?

pss- Now that I have blogged this, I actually now want to know said boyfriends name.

Am I shameless or not.

sidebar- friendship* mi, don't worry I have too much work right now to undergo such stress.

pss- YOU GUYS I PULLED OFF THE MOST IRRESPONSIBLE ACCOUNTING FEAT LAST NIGHT AND BOOM.

Hello trial balance- Balanced. easily. Like with zero stress.

Meeeeeeennnnnnnnn I just know God was pitying me as I was being grossly irresponsible.

Okay Final side bar- My other friend ( lets call her happiness); Could not believe when I told her that I prepare financial accounting audited statements for a living.

She works in the financial  industry herself and she was in awe.

And I was like who did you think prepared AFS's- middle level staff in audit firms that's who.

from scratch she asked.

Me- not really from TB's.
She asked Trading bonds

We burst into laughter at my face- no trick FROM  trial balances.

Also if you are reading this ( I have the final two episodes of empire) hola boo boo kitty.

Second to the last final side bar- EMPIRE is actually nollywood mixed with telemundo dipped in steroids.

Lets call it black people glee.

Pss- I really need new career suggestions. I am so bored and sick and tired of this current line.

Again- gap year?


Tuesday, March 17, 2015

update and other yummy stories

Holaaaaaa!

Work has been a slave camp.

Literally busy season as a senior is slavery do not let anyone tell you otherwise.


Anyway so I have been dying had 2 listed clients who are sent from the DEVIL I tell you.

When God comes and banishes them to hell to go and be with their oga satan, I just hope they find someone to work for them.

That being said I have not had ONE Unassigned week since the year started

I am mad upset about this but whatever.

I have been thinking a LOT about quitting my job.

which is the oddest thing because I could swear I liked my job and was good at my job but now I don't even know if I want to do this anymore.

Is 26 to old to have a gap year?

I am currently in Abuja for work and I am not even remotely pleased with how my life is panning out.

Literally now that I have to get married, I just feel like I have so much reshuffling to do, and if you know me you would know that I am a creature of habit.

Totally set in my ways and stuff.

Anyway I need to say this I suffer from the most debilitating PMS ( when ever I actually suffer from it)

My last period cycle was horrible. I was constantly angry then next minute crying about the most random things ( I saw a couple having pre-wedding photos taken on ajose at 10pm when I was returning from work and started crying).

If I did not get my period I would swear I was pregnant.

And I HOPE to God, I am not pregnant because everyone I tell, hits me with this story of someone they know who was pregnant but saw her period for the first ( insert number ranging from 1-5) months.

Best believe I decided to keep the watch for lent.

Asides the obvious weight loss and stank breath from not drinking water ALL day. I am making way/ peace with my walk with God.

Also I need to draw up new holiday plans.

Married women out there, was  anyone so reluctant / slightly resistant/apprehensive to the actual thought of getting married?

Because OMG- is it appropriate to blog about this?

I find that having to change ALL my holiday plans ( especially going to vegas) is doing my head in.

I also find that I have to "slowly" and willingly learn not to challenge authority.

The weirdest thing because ALL my adult like I've had free rein.

really, My mother pretty much let us(me) do what we want within a reasonable parental realm ( no hiv or pregnancy or missing work).

And at work I soon found a means to get out from direct supervision and micro management.  so I just go to the field and do what needs to be done, manager comes in 3 times for the whole audit, I give manager account- everyone is happy.

and Ore is happy with minimal/zero supervision- provided I do not drop the ball.

BUT now, urgh. I am just here like * insert slightly disinterested face*

I am sha willing to learn and defer to my husband ( before you bible wielding hypocrites crawl out of the wood work)

Anyways hopefully I would have one of those pretty lenient husbands who would let me run free rein.

AMEN.

Otherwise I will come here to be crying wolf every damn day.

OK.

asides all I have said I have been generally excited.

Even all my abuja boyfriends have been excited for me.

I mean some have refused to speak to me and I get that, and I am not sorry ( if you are reading this FUCK YOU).

But some have been so decent and even offered to take me out to celebratory lunch/drinks. ( I mean it isn't adultery till you actual get married right? LOL JK)

A few of my friends have shown concern about me not wanting to get married and over night having to.

And I told them, while the timing is fucking off- ( even I admit to myself waaaay off); It is here and it is here.

and we do not turn away blessings when they come- in whatever form they come.

We say thank you to God and keep it moving.

Also I want to take this medium to thank all the people ( who I know must wish me well) but somehow sent me happy mother's day messages telling me how next year I would be celebrated too.

Me- side eye I have been engaged for a month. ONE MONTH, and you people are talking about mother's day celebration.

mother's day next year is in march, it takes 9 months to have a baby so except I conceive in June ( which is highly unlikely since I may not be married by then) where is this baby coming from?!

* in jay Z voice*
the pressure is on/ but guess who aint gon crack/
 ha ha pardon me/  I had to laugh at that.

I don't quite understand it.

Also my friend T and I had the most delicious conversation the other day.

He congratulated me on the whole thing- then asked me when I planned to start drinking again.

I also plan on using him as my driver when ever I get around going to buy my dress- so T boo if you are reading this- keep the last week in may free for me.

Upside to getting married though; is the little things

My father in law gave me the most generous wedding dress budget.

is it possible to love your inlaws so much right now; I think not.

Second thing is the shopping, OMG all the legal shopping I would be doing
*dies in designer wedding shoe heaven*

every single female friend I have berates me for not having a wedding scrap book *confused face*

Apparently it is a thing and you have to be prepared, because now I am absolutely clueless about anything and everything wedding related.

I mean my favorite color is purple but really thats all I know for now.

I also do not want aso-ebi orrrr a bridal shower orrrr a bridal train because I really have become minimalist over night ( blame my profession) and the whole austerity shit,

But I can not deal WITH women on a large scale. Luckily for me I am marrying a man ( ha)!

Last thing- the congratulatory messages are so overwhelming you guys.

Like I just want to tell people ( and I have told a few) how I wish this many people were excited for me when I got my distinction.

Tola said- they were happy for me but they are happier for me now.

And I'm just like all of you have your happiness meters twisted.

I guess I feel like people are not recognizing all the work i put into slam dunking that degree.

Because really lets face it- getting engaged and getting married can not be that that that hard.

Judging from all the weddings these days You know?

I feel like the grinch who wants to single handedly destory the wedding ministry and industry but 5 years ago you could get married without having to use a wedding planner OR a N400k make up artist or a 2.5 million naira photographer.

Note that I would not be having anyone of these ( asides the planner because really, I have a job and family members to rein in); ALSO I do not think I am so ugly that I need N400k for wedding day make up plus the person I'm getting married to, already knows what I look like you know?


I am obviously bitter I am not having the wedding of my dreams because
1- My dreams did not consist of wedding planning AND
2- I am not paying for the wedding so- the paying parties are calling ALLLLL the shots.


I know how ravingly upsetting this whole thing sounds but I am quite excited about becoming a mrs.

Also I would be changing my last name ( to a non yoruba one-YAY) and dropping my Yoruba first name as well.

I am so stoked about that.

Because I have been treated really badly by Yoruba people who assault me at every turn for my inability to speak the language.

Now bitches BYE.
 You know what else I am stoked about- body lotion on my hard to reach areas on my back; then someone to zip up my dress and help with hard to clasp jewelry.

most importantly NEVER having to sleep alone ever again.

Except when I am out of town for work and I am quitting this job soon anyways so

- I keep saying I am quitting but I have never even looked for another job, madness

I also have no idea if I want to continue to audit or to follow my hearts true desire and make zobo while living of my husbands plenty plenty plenty money.

while picking up my twins from school with my nails properly done and my weave laid by the gods and my face make up free but looking like baby's bum bum because there is no more stress in my life.

You know when I said my dreams do not consist of wedding planning?

I forgot to mention what it is they consist of- day dreams of being a kept woman.

Like just kept and pampered  but being busy ( not like billionaire's wife busy on IG o)

But really doing the things I want to do like play the piano and cook lasagna. and go to the gym at ikoyi club three times a week.

ha ha ha

You know how weird my dream life is, is that I live most of it minus the twins.


Side bar married women with twins- How do you get twins?

I think I really want twins.

Second side bar- Sabirah was talking about getting honest feed back and I just realized that I do not think I have a lot of honest people in my life.

You know?

And I tweeted how I think I want to get honest feed back but would need to get my nails on fleek before I did that so that whatever it is I get served; I know a portion of my life is in order.

And Tola said that is why no one would ever give me feed back.


All complaints aside- I am currently in the market for an older married mentor, who works ridiculous hours like me, but has found a way to stop complaining about life and was a bit apprehensive about getting married to.

I am aware marriage is hard work ( duh I woke 100 hour work weeks) But I need the internal 411 not all these bella naija 2 years reviews that have women so thankful that they married their best friends and all is rosy. But actual real life examples and advice on how to navigate marriage and all its pitfalls that span beyond the Nigerian "just pray and fast"

Okay I think I have everything covered

last side bar- I did my nails last night. they look horrible.

 




Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Nigerian Parents

SOOOOOOOOOO I am supposed to be slaving away at work then I come across this post.


It lists the youngest billionaires- all worth $1bn and above- under 45 or sthg like that.

Let me tell you what I found.

say 10 out of the 47 were IT start ups ( awon mark zuckerberg and co)

The remaining 37, Family inheritance.

I mean there were people who had 5 relatives on this list from the same ineheritance as per

four siblings one aunty- all billionaires from the money one person left behind.

Some colombian (Domingo) and the Sweden H&M owner.

The second amusing thing was that there were a bunch of people separate from this inheritance clique that were running family businesses into the 3rd /4th generation at the helm of affairs and were billionaires. From share holdings in these family businesses or investment in other business with their inheritance money.

Then there was the token royalty heir, wife of next in line etc etc

The weirdest thing is how Nigerian parents do not want to do anything for their children.

( Kindly note that every statement I make is not from my life but general observation/complaints I hear people make about their parents)

One, I know a shit load of Nigerians that are rich are properly rich, so why do they die and thier children go to shit?

Like what is up with leaving the money for one uncle to maltreat the seed of your loin?

Meh

Those that are yet to die, are unwilling to hand over the business to their children.

Then they die and the whole thing goes to shit- Hello succession plan epic fail.

It is the oddest thing really.

First person on that list is a disk jockey. as per DJ. Think DJ exclusive/spinall.


and he is worth over a billion USD.

Dear Nigerian parents your son will go and read that degree for you and lead a mediocre life.

I think Nigerians generally are afraid of good things happening too soon too fast ( myself included)

Which is why I applaud Davido's daddy.


The one thing I sha took away from that list is that- YOU CAN NOT TAKE YOUR MONEY WITH YOU TO HEAVEN.


Completion

I completed my photography class. I am so proud of myself. I keep looking at the photos like. Gosh. Thank you so much Canon. And Lek...