Hercules

You guys know I was screaming at the top of my lungs about this popping sex I was having.

and you know if I was telling you, I was telling everybody who cared to listen.

So my homeboy who was outta town called me for a work favor.

I take the opportunity to casually mention, that you know, me and sex boy are done.

This idiot says to me:

Look, your people management skills are poor. infact they are terribly non existent. 

How can you be having the best sex of your life and you can't manage to keep him around?

Me: err

Him: It's a shame I was looking forward to meeting Mr Hercules Penis.

Me: You are a goat, and I'm gonna block you.

Me and T conversations

Me: I was so tired, I considered turning off my phone and pretending to be asleep
T: wow how are you even think that- at this point you are better off sucking it up
Me: I did. Meh
T: ah last week this boy was all up on your IG and this week see how you are talking
Me: One minute you are cock of the walk next minute you are the feather duster
T: Indeed.

The weekend and first date and the birthday count down.

My birthday is in T-3 days
You all know how exciting birthdays generally are, but I am amped up.
Decided to just ask everyone to donate money to  #TheBriconFoundation instead of stressing with presents that I will use small and then dash out or something.

I've never really been big on visiting oprhanages and doing the photo ops- even though I think they are a great idea, never really been my style. So I'm really excited that I get to work with breast cancer survivors.

what- I'm a boob girl through and true.

Party talk aside.

I went on a date this weekend.
because I don't go on a lot of these things I'm generally torn with what is appropriate and what is just down right stupid.

ps: Date told me I smiled alot but came across as cold, and when I asked him what I could do to be warmer he said nothing.
I will not be speaking to him again, because abeg no power.
Also I spent maybe 15 of the date texting my home girls about how much I missed the boy I liked but I do not speak to anymore.

It was a good date though. Music. Abuja nights. Wine and no one trying to grope me.

This weekend was BUSY.

Friday I went to Ijebu for my friends grandma's burial.
Saturday saw me on the first flight out of Lagos to Abuja for my friend M's wedding.
ps: I really like Abuja sha.

The wedding was really really good except I got there at the tail end, but got to spend time with the bride. She looked radiantly gorgeously stunning.

M- you make a beautiful bride and I wish you and Y- all the happiness in the whole wide world.

Discovery

Recent discovery about myself.

I don't talk out issues.

If you upset me I either rationalize it for you OR stop speaking to you.

And because of how open I am, and how immersed I am in the lives of the people who can upset me,

me stopping is a bit of a shock.

But at this point I can't really be bothered sha.

I'm just like cool.

In as much as I really want to be the person who talks things over.

I'm not too keen on wasting words on people.

And because I can be badly behaved, I know that people know that they are being badly behaved.

I had one of my home girls point this out to me and I'm like

You are right.

Call me Edward Scissors hands.

Actually don't.

On liking myself

This post is going to go three ways- one about last night, two about what I want to comment about this post and three , my unwillingness to adopt baby girl in my bio.

This weekend was what good weekends are made off.

But we start from thursday.

I went to dinner * almost celebratory* with a few friends in town.

Again It was amazing and interesting and delicious and I am dead for the lowkey-ness of traffic in maitama.

Also I absolutely LOVE how women who do not want to do things, can get away with the phrase "you know I am a woman".

For example- we go to traffic and there was parking constraint ( as always); so the parking attendant decided to pop us into one ridiculous corner.

Now my friend has been driving for a longgggg time but we had had long days, she did not want stress, she just told the parking guy- you know I am a woman find me another space do not allow me hit someone's car, the parking man swiftly directed her somewhere.

Home girl expertly parked her car and the parking man was visibly upset he said- BUT you can drive well now; why were you lying.

My friend- I didn't want stress.

I am not above using my perceived feminine weakness to my advantage and I am unapologetic about it.

Anyway so dinner was amazing; everyone seemed surprised that I was fasting;

And I seemed surprised that everyone pegged me as someone who would dabble into "sugar mummy-isim"

LOL.

Hardly.

I think people are odd when it comes to money and lovers.

personally I love. LOVE love presents.

However, in the usual manner of life screwing one over, I do not get as many presents as I deserve / want.

So I over compensate by giving presents- the kind I would like.

Offcourse even I know it means I would only be dissapointed but I find that I actually really like giving presents and so I give them. meh.

lady in the post up there is being led to believe that you can not have it all.
FALSE.

Yes there is such a minor minor minor portion of the exisiting minority of happily married women who have jobs, and have kids and some how make it work.

What they tell me- all of them is the same thing, you need two things- Find someone who understands that your marriage is for two of you and

who is willing to do the things that make it work for two of you.

One woman is particular has three kids she works in london while her husband works in Nigeria and America- and let me tell you; this woman is the ultimate damn baby girl.

I kid you not, went out to lunch with her and she had the warmest lushest rabbit fur stole.

( her husband bought it for her), and I was just like really?

And she said while you need to defer to your husband in public in Nigeria pretty much to save face- outta town you can do whatever the hell you want and "who gon check you boo boo?" her answer is NO DAMN ONE.

So You need to leave Nigeria to be happily married I asked her.

She replied- no, you need to marry a man whose mind has left Nigeria and is exposed.

Me- ahhhh I see.

On getting good grades and being the best you can be- It really is for your benefit and personal conscience.

I personally Love to coast because- baby genius over here. ( LOL JK), but I am inherently lazyyy.

I need to emphasize how lucky I am that the man I am getting married to- is happy with the idea of a maid.

* throw back titbit*

First time I went to his house and slept over, in the morning I was trying* key word being try* to make the bed and put the room in order.

He walked out of the shower and saw me and asked what are you doing?

Me- err making the bed.

Him- Leave it, someone will come and sort it out.

Obviously now my bed making skills are HORRIBLE.

Because while they were horrible before, my zero practice lead me to be a more horrible bed maker.

However I picked up other bed skills so I am not half mad. * insert lecherous laughter here*

But if you can- it is always advisable to perform at your optimum capacity.

Soooo on saturday morning, I went swimming at my hotel- took about 1000 photos and then ordered small chops.

Sunday I went to church- AHMAZING. then went to find a tailor; then bought the most delicious fish ever liveth.

Demolished said fish and went to XO for karaoke.

Now I have complained about how the women in abuja are not fancy in relation to clothes. Like aunties and gals will just be wearing rags under the guise of I drive a benz.

True Lagos girl at my core- I am dead for any opportunity to GIVE THEM.

But abuja really calms me down- Like half the time I have to go out, I just go from work, and yall know I wear rags to work in abuja.

Anyway- That is how on sunday I went to Xo with Uloh.

Uloh is the supreme leader of all the baby girls collectively on the face of God's green fertile and fruitful earth.

So going out with her is always always always a fun activity.

In the usual manner of things a nice young man sat beside me and began to make conversation.

He said I looked good for my age- Pause minus 10 points, and then offered me a drink.

I did the whole song and dance about how No- I am not drunk and No- I am not pregnant and No- I am not sick and No- I would really not like a drink because I simply do not drink.

So water was ordered; baby girl Uloh got champagne.

Pause Nigerian men are so extra- which one is champagne at karaoke?

Anyway Young man proceeds to slather me with compliments.

while I live for compliments- compliments from drunk married men don't really do much for me.

but he said - I see you and I have spoken to you and you just seem like the kind of woman that a man would be naked in bed with and not get physical with immediately because he wants to pick your mind.

Me- Pause.

Him- That is a compliment

Me- Okay thank you.

and he also said- you are all covered up are you not bothered that all the other girls here are dressed like * people who came to sell market*

Me- Again, Not interested in Abuja market rn, but thanks for your observation.

Then he pointed out how women get married and stop looking attractive.
And on and on he went till he said

You really do not give a shit about what I am saying or what men want- do you?

Me- Finally, we are on the same page. * cue laughter*

But the ultimate compliment was that - I would make an amazing wife.

Me- ha I know.

I am a liar (because you know, I do not know)

but it is weird because everyone says that and I am like huh? Y'all be tripping.

In same vein, everyone says I will be a sugar mummy.

And the really weird thing is how I cant stand younger men- FOR SHIT.

Except that one time with my darling J-lo. * inside joke*

Steps on self awareness soap box.

Point is this- I made no effort to glean further enlightenment from my dear married man who only wants to be friends- the same way I must have been born 2 years ago-.

Which is odd, because before if a man touched my palm and said Oh my lord your hands are so soft.

My default answer ( do not judge me) would be- ha, and they are the hardest part of my body * insert coy smile*

I told you people I really like men. and they like me back.

And men will fall into this thirst trap and on and on till I have to leave or whatever- I digress

My point is- I was unbothered.
 
Like I could not even muster enough energy to pretend to be bothered.

I could not care less-even if I tried my hardest.

And when I was leaving and he asked me if he could call me I told him gently

- That I was clearly not in the market for married men as "friends".

I am always so proud of my self when I can turn down advances without being rude or stand-offish.

I mean it must be so hard to walk up to the opposite sex and declare interest.

And It must be heart wrenching to be shut down viciously like your dreams are not valid.

even if you know in your heart that these wet dreams are really invalid.

Fancy- This is a word my close friends would use to describe me- and I am like no. no no.

I am nothing like that.

Baby girl- Is the other word.

One of my friends who I spent the weekend with was telling me how she just looks at my enjoyment and it is apt.

And I am like but noooo- I want more; then she looks at me and says

Any thing more than this- you know it's runz abi?

It is always nice to be operating at your fullest baby girl capacity I guess.

On the finality of Death

Death is so final.

It makes everything seem futile.

Like you are slaving away on earth for nothing.

Today was my cousin's burial.

I was at the grave side and we were called to rites.

From dust we came and to dust we return.

Nothing is more final than that.

I also learnt that there is no such thing as water proof mascara when you are having a nice break down.

His care taker came and cried. AND she cried. and cried and cried.

My aunt had to scream at her to stop crying and demonstrating.

As we finished the rites and they shut they grave.

It started to rain.

You may not believe it but family is everything- Just standing there watching them rally around my aunt and tease each other and crack jokes.

Even in the face of death; we still found things to laugh about.

and that is the beauty of life I guess- there is always something to laugh about.

As an aside- You internet users are creeepppyyyyyyyyyy/ stalkerrrrrrssss.

But in a good way.

One of my blog followers found me on google in under 10 minutes.- according to him; dont take my word for it.

And I was touched at the effort.

Personally I can not be bothered about the writers of the blog's I love so you can imagine how amusing I found it. I confess all the interest is flattering.

As much as it may seem like I want to be anon- It really just stems from Laziness.

I can be arsed to take photos or link my instagram here so I have no pictures.

But I am not catfish sha- you can take my word for it.

I currently tweet from  here. I am pretty random and obsessive. And I also have zero tolerance for iranu.

I block very easily- no threats just saying; so keep your opinion to your own twitter okay?

I have updated my profile to include an email address where I can be reached on- So if anyone wants to send me presents for " coming out" feel free to contact me.

As for my instagram- I am wary as to how most readers will receive me so no instagram account- but again; this needs repeating- I AM NO CATFISH.

Admist all the tears and laughter, I resolved to live my life to the fullest.

The utmost fullest life is what I think I deserve.

Which I why I am going on another vacation.

LOL- Hardly a vacay. But once I get approval from my managers and partners.

I am off to have the time of my life. With people I love and who love me in return.

Also in all the laughter with my family. I did not feel so alone.

On a different note

Last night I went to karaoke with my mainest day one office lovers.

We had such an amazing time- My friend Ori who is a singer but pretends to be an investment banks to idle about has the most amazing voice.

But she was not last nights star.

Actually Last night there were two stars.

This nice young man who decided to stare into my soul while doing a really good rendition of - Az's yet last night. I was like


Can You stop staring at me pleaseeeeeeeeeee. LOL

My friends found it so hilarous. I was like urgh.

the second and main star was someone called "Austine"- I remember his name because as he picked his song Muni and I were saying " Please do not do this"

But HE DID THE DAMN THING!

Home boy channeled Neyo and slayed " do you" by Neyo.

He also recorded the whole performance AND I strongly believe he plans to get an ex back.

If you are the woman he sends that recording to- Stay strong, I also do not think your current man stands a chance. So if " Austine" gets you back- I understand.

Finally the weekend is here. I plan to take my other cousins to see a movie and just generally spend time with them catch up on who is dating who; who has a new boyfriend - my younger cousins seem no have no issues switching partners. Almost too easy.

There are not enough side eye's in the world for me to give to them.

But I am looking forward to them and to my mini vacay.

Enjoy the weekend and make the most of it.

Re- Invented sex.

Last night, for some weird reason- which isn't really weird because, I am at that point in my life where my female friends and I have morphed into the cast of Sex and the City lagos chapter, without all the random one night stands but with enough stories to make your eyes bleed but I digress-we were talking about sex.

One of my girls has this problem where having sex with condoms, dry her out- BUT with this one guy, for some reason it did not. She hadn't spoken to him in a hot minute - aka forever- So she was wondering what was the appropriate way to go about asking him for his choicest condom brand without having him think the gates had been opened to him again.

We laughed at her predicament and I suggested Lube, or to man up ( yes I realize the irony) and just call him and casually ask about it, no biggie. Like hey you remember the time we were kicking it? I need the name of the brand of condoms we used. Finish.

They all said I was crazy.

One thing lead to another and we started discussing celebrities that we assume - by way of what their hollywood esque behaviour is ( I know that our assumptions are likely to be inaccurate but whatever)- would be great in bed.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

In the Triumvirate of great Hollywood sex we have

1- Lenny Kravitz
2- Miguel
3- Jamie Foxx.

Lenny Kravitz has those eyes that see through your soul and you just want to take it off all for him. Yes. Just Yes to Lenny. we argued about him being on this list a lot because, I mean, he is 50 years old. and lives on an island in the bahamas- so I figure all these Island hoes have taught him a thing or two.

Miguel wasn't really a fan of him. because I assumed he was lesbian( yes I know he is male) but he just rubbed me the wrong way, TILL I saw that back shot of him rubbing his super hot girl friends ass during that red carpet interview. My home girl brought up the issue of him demonstrating at the stoklhom concert. and after we ooh'd and ahh'd about the video, we collectively agreed. AGREED  unanimously that his sex game is gold. - note we never agree unanimously.

Jamie Foxx is that Older guy that is just not your mate and is a veteran sexer. and is sultry. and is going to do what he wants to your body without your permission because you know what? - You want it and You'll like it and he is jamie foxx. We are here for that.

Next is the couple is assume is having the best sex in holly wood

Kanye west and Amber rose
We assume that these two were having the kind of sex porn has taught us is unobtainable in an  actual monogamous relationship which is why we - agreed again- that even though we hate them, we have to give it to them. Kanye is an abosolute monster beast- as evidenced by his rants, and I'm sure he pulled all amber's hair out now she is bald because = Good sex. [ Yes I am aware amber met him bald- i think]


The penultimate worst sex would be P-diddy/ Puff daddy/Sean Combs/ whatever the hell is goes by.

Diddy strikes us as one of those men who would lie on their backs, with sunglasses [ knowing Diddy, he probably has his grills on and a tooth pick in his mouth] with a smirk on his face that just screams - IMPRESS ME.

We collectively had all unfortunately encountered a Diddy before, so we were only to happy to slap him on here. He was actually going to be the worst sex but then....

The worst sex is.........................................
DRUM ROLL [please]

.................................................................

Mr Trey "trigga/ the neighbors know my name/I invented and re-invented sex" Songz.

Look we all know trey is all mouth and  NO DAMN ACTION.
It's the only logical reason why anyone would be delusional enough to think they re-invented sex.

Trey is that nigga that would text you, sext you, send you nude pictures, get you all hot and bothered and then somehow manage to not just " fail to deliver" but he would " under deliver"

I think his slogan should be " Mr Trey - I over promise, but I have no idea how to deliver"

We did not agree on that slogan- we however agreed that- his head game is probably a mess and a half.



Sooo who did we miss out?

Chris brown seemed like decent sex. Usher- amazing sex but lacking that certain "je ne sais quoi" to cross him over to the winning side permanently. must be all the divorce proceedings messing with his sex game.


ps- This conversation was not alcohol induced
pss- This is a really civil version of the actual conversation.
psss- if any one comes here to say rubbish- block  block block. Okay?

Difficult conversations and filthy behavior inducing liquor.

For an aggressive person, I admit my emotional IQ is maybe zero.
which is strange because i'm apparently supposed to be intensely emotional.

For that reason, I hate taking any decisions that would task me emotionally.

not even making decisions. but undertaking any action generally that puts the slightest strain on me emotionally. My Mo is usually to run away. and never deal with the issue. Or throw as much cash at the issue till it goes away. ( if you must know, the former has a higher success rate)

-side bar, I was not always like this- some where along the line I realized that emotions are limited and I started rationing them.

Then I realized the best part of life, People will get down with you whether or not you are emotionally invested. But only as long as it serves them.

That saved me a lot of emotions that I have running around freely now.- which might be the reason for this new bout of insomnia.

Anyways, My friend stopped speaking to me but today ( I acknowledge the part the copious amounts of Hennessy I drank took in this*)  I took the first step to face book message him.

this is what I texted verbatim

" I miss our conversations, lets be friends again, pretty please"

Sometimes, Less is the most.

But only sometimes. Usually I ply on the bullshit. heavily- firm believer in flattery getting me everywhere.

 I think sending out messages like this - border line desperate, painfully honest and setting yourself up for ela of life is a huge part of emotional development for me.

Because sometimes, you come to realize, you owe nobody because you own yourself.- Thank you Wendy

And then ela's don't seem so daunting.

And FYI- he text back, "I guess we can be friends again.... since you asked".

Bingo.

* I hate Hennessy. It is probably the only thing that gets me wasted. So why do I keep putting it in my mouth. I literally get filthy when that thing gets into me- No Bey once.