Thursday, July 10, 2014

Re- Invented sex.

Last night, for some weird reason- which isn't really weird because, I am at that point in my life where my female friends and I have morphed into the cast of Sex and the City lagos chapter, without all the random one night stands but with enough stories to make your eyes bleed but I digress-we were talking about sex.

One of my girls has this problem where having sex with condoms, dry her out- BUT with this one guy, for some reason it did not. She hadn't spoken to him in a hot minute - aka forever- So she was wondering what was the appropriate way to go about asking him for his choicest condom brand without having him think the gates had been opened to him again.

We laughed at her predicament and I suggested Lube, or to man up ( yes I realize the irony) and just call him and casually ask about it, no biggie. Like hey you remember the time we were kicking it? I need the name of the brand of condoms we used. Finish.

They all said I was crazy.

One thing lead to another and we started discussing celebrities that we assume - by way of what their hollywood esque behaviour is ( I know that our assumptions are likely to be inaccurate but whatever)- would be great in bed.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

In the Triumvirate of great Hollywood sex we have

1- Lenny Kravitz
2- Miguel
3- Jamie Foxx.

Lenny Kravitz has those eyes that see through your soul and you just want to take it off all for him. Yes. Just Yes to Lenny. we argued about him being on this list a lot because, I mean, he is 50 years old. and lives on an island in the bahamas- so I figure all these Island hoes have taught him a thing or two.

Miguel wasn't really a fan of him. because I assumed he was lesbian( yes I know he is male) but he just rubbed me the wrong way, TILL I saw that back shot of him rubbing his super hot girl friends ass during that red carpet interview. My home girl brought up the issue of him demonstrating at the stoklhom concert. and after we ooh'd and ahh'd about the video, we collectively agreed. AGREED  unanimously that his sex game is gold. - note we never agree unanimously.

Jamie Foxx is that Older guy that is just not your mate and is a veteran sexer. and is sultry. and is going to do what he wants to your body without your permission because you know what? - You want it and You'll like it and he is jamie foxx. We are here for that.

Next is the couple is assume is having the best sex in holly wood

Kanye west and Amber rose
We assume that these two were having the kind of sex porn has taught us is unobtainable in an  actual monogamous relationship which is why we - agreed again- that even though we hate them, we have to give it to them. Kanye is an abosolute monster beast- as evidenced by his rants, and I'm sure he pulled all amber's hair out now she is bald because = Good sex. [ Yes I am aware amber met him bald- i think]


The penultimate worst sex would be P-diddy/ Puff daddy/Sean Combs/ whatever the hell is goes by.

Diddy strikes us as one of those men who would lie on their backs, with sunglasses [ knowing Diddy, he probably has his grills on and a tooth pick in his mouth] with a smirk on his face that just screams - IMPRESS ME.

We collectively had all unfortunately encountered a Diddy before, so we were only to happy to slap him on here. He was actually going to be the worst sex but then....

The worst sex is.........................................
DRUM ROLL [please]

.................................................................

Mr Trey "trigga/ the neighbors know my name/I invented and re-invented sex" Songz.

Look we all know trey is all mouth and  NO DAMN ACTION.
It's the only logical reason why anyone would be delusional enough to think they re-invented sex.

Trey is that nigga that would text you, sext you, send you nude pictures, get you all hot and bothered and then somehow manage to not just " fail to deliver" but he would " under deliver"

I think his slogan should be " Mr Trey - I over promise, but I have no idea how to deliver"

We did not agree on that slogan- we however agreed that- his head game is probably a mess and a half.



Sooo who did we miss out?

Chris brown seemed like decent sex. Usher- amazing sex but lacking that certain "je ne sais quoi" to cross him over to the winning side permanently. must be all the divorce proceedings messing with his sex game.


ps- This conversation was not alcohol induced
pss- This is a really civil version of the actual conversation.
psss- if any one comes here to say rubbish- block  block block. Okay?


1 comment:

tobystic said...

Now I have an idea what y'all talk about when there's football or beer.

I was expecting LL Cool J to come up on that list somehow y'know probably on the borderline between good and bad sex seeing he can un-robe a woman with his words.
What about Djimon Hounsou , I'm a guy but I think that guy must be a superhero of sex.

There's gotta be the female version of this by the way

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