New year same everything else

ps- ramble and Typo alert.


If I need to talk about EVERYTHING that has happened to me in the past weeks.

Sigh.

I mean so much has happened since Christmas day.

first off- I met a boy.

Well my heart and body met the boy. my brain went into Voltron mode and refused to allow me meet the boy.

*in kevin harts voice* Let me explain.

You know how when you meet someone. your stomach has those random butterflies

and your heart has an erratic beat ( I start having palpitations)

But you see for every boy I meet; or I have been opportuned to meet;I know the reaction.

So I know how to react accordingly.

So I met this boy and I had the most unusual reaction- I was literally short of breath.

It was so fucking ridiculous.

Like here I am in my village house- barking orders around and just generally being a Lagos bad bitch and I see him and I cant breathe.

So our eyes met and we did this little song and dance thing ( I swear this is not in my head)

And in that instant I KNOW; I would never allow myself meet him.

I found someone else to attend to the people he came with and I went inside to sit; catch my breath and settle down, and guess who walks in?

Mr air dementor.

This boy/man/person literally sucked out the air from my being.

And I did what every coward who feels the need to live to fight another day does.

I Fled.

Ran away. went upstairs to hide till I knew he had left.

Turns out he is my uncle's wives cousin; who popped in for Xmas in my village because he had never been. Also turns out he is an off shore engineer at Shell.

Look I am not even going to go into this any further.

Lets just say I was very very very proud of my self control.

After the whole celebration on saturday.

My mother got married on sunday.

( and that is all I am going to say about that for now- till I am able to work through all the motions of how I feel about the whole thing)

(pss- My parents have been divorced for EONS. so it's not like she has two husbands- Plus she has returned the dowry my father paid)

psss- she went and got married to yet ANOTHER Yoruba man. ha ha - what can I say- the heart wants what the heart wants!

On monday I did some work because I was supposed to count stock in Benin and warri as my yearly store count wahala thingy.

I was not impressed to say the least but it worked out okay.

In benin after the count I went to Kada fries ( think silver bird in its glory days); to wait for my cousin, and some man comes up to chat me up.

So I tell him yes I might see a movie; but not right now as I am waiting for my cousin.

So this man says I have to come to join him then gives me money to buy my ticket for me and my cousin when she comes so we can come and join him.

When my cousin showed up- she asked me if I was not afraid of gbomo gbomo.

I asked her why she did not tell me that; this is how they are sharing money in Benin; I would have been coming more often.

we laugh- she calls me a word not suitable for my blog audience

And i'm like abeg abeg. we go to find mama ebo pepper rice ( nothing fantastic)

and I'm going back to emevor when my client tells me I can do the warri stock taking.

I am in awe- this means no work tomorrow; I can take the first flight out of warri I scheme.

After the count I go to Osubi- guess what

THE ONLY FLIGHT OUT OF WARRI IS BY 5PM.

So I sleep in on new years day.

Bond with my cousins just generally lounge and listen to loud music and muse about how delicious the year was.

Then I have to go to lagos, I am sad to leave- I really like the village and my grandma.

Anyway I get to the airport and I have to return the garri that someone saddled me with to give my mother.

I get on the plane and tease the cabin crew guy about how I want new years rice.

We laugh about it; and I fall asleep

I wake up and this guy actually brings me jollof rice and chicken while everyone else has that miserable arik cake.

If this is any indication of how my year is going to pan out- I am uber excited.

After all the passengers disembark- I stay behind to thank the air host for the rice.

Ps- ya'll know I do not rate Arik for shit[ However this flight departed on time; light skinned airhost gave me special jollof rice and there was zero turbulence]

And I touched down Lagos.

I love lagos.

while I slept into NYE I am sure that it was delicious for those awake- especially those in dubai.

That statement is laced with all the envy I can possibly muster.

I came home to jo malone candles; perfume and a new iphone.

I told you guys that jollof rice on the plane set the tone for the year.

At the back of my mind- it feels like this is the year I get married.

I am indecisive about getting married sometimes because I do not know if its what I want; or what is expected of me.

in my life usually the lines are blurred.

Be that as it may--- RESOLUTIONS

1- to stop gossiping
note- I think I am deferring this one till June.
2- to be kinder
note- This seems to be working
3- to let people be
note- I am a hoarder by nature so letting people go is hard but I have so much dead weight. ah
4- to align my hearts desires with the right thing
note- look how I walked away from the boy that might have given me the most fulfilling village romance ever- I think I am on the right track
5- to travel
note- life sponsors and sugar daddies welcome
6- to read more
note- this is an aseju resolution; I am up till 2 am on weekdays reading books
7- to study my bible more
note-shamefully I do not even go to church anymore; I just lie in bed on sunday mornings and tweet or catch up on whatever
8- to be happy
note- I realised that the more flexible I became on situations; the happier I became, so I guess I should be wanting to be more flexible.
9- To shop less
note- but I find that shopping brings me so much joy( Must be all the daddy and Yoruba boy issues I have accumulated over the years)
10- To foster a relationship with my father
note- This is probably going to be the hardest thing to do- butttt I will keep you all updated during the process[ pss; if anyone has the exact daddy issues, come let us share sob stories while I ply you with copious amounts of alcohol]


So in Light of all this ; this new year I wish you money in your pocket, bread on your table and butter in your bread.

psssss- is it too early to put up my valentines day wish list yet; seeing as my birthday was such a smashing success?!

Also, I hope all our deepest darkest hearts desires come true this year.

LOL I just noticed I did not include anything about becoming fitter in 2015.
Meh. More doing less talking I guess.

Lagos

Lagos reminds me of the madness in those end of the world movies will smith is so damn famous for.

Except in that in Lagos as the world is falling apart, people are going about their business like its nothing.

Everyday we witness accidents that Hollywood block buster action sequences want to be when they grow up and  we just shrug, probably mutter God abeg o and continue on our merry way.

There is a method to the madness in Lagos, which seems to defy all logic. But it works.

And if it aint broke, why you tryna fix it?

In the last week, Lagos has taught me one very important lesson, all is fair in love, war and parking spaces. Because of your car can fit in, and no one stops you, then you can park there, even when you know its wrong- especially when you know better.

Because that must be the only reason someone who has complete control of his faculties will park and  block the road like they are chasing him from his mother's village.

side bar- why do they always chase from only mothers village.

Enough with the complaining- I love Lagos, fuel scarcity and all.

When I decided to not drink any more alcohol or soda anymore- what I forgot to factor in was that in Lagos, going to " drinks" is an actual event. Not as a date or as a rendevous but just because you do not want to stay at home. and you have loose change. Drinks become an option.

That really isn't the problem except Nigerians or should I say lagosians make the weakest mocktails on the face of God's green earth.

You might as well set your cool N2000 on fire.

I have taken to drinking water in large amounts.

I have another holiday 2nd week in april so I need to be bikini ready.

As always, I am dragging my feet, But God willing, I will do better going forward.

I have eaten rice only twice this week and I have drank soda zero times.

I am pleased with my progress.

I am not pleased with being my mother's errand girl.

That is a lie, since I spent a lot of time with her in London, I have gradually become aware of her, her sacrifices and how amazing her work ethic is.

In my recurrent job search, I have found that she is highly revered among her peers and industry people.

I think it is a shame that I am just making this realization. I screech so much about leaning in every damn day and just 2 feet away from me my mother is breaking glass ceilings everyday and not just leaning into the table but flipping the damn thing over every chance she gets.

This mini praise session seems valid as Sunday happens to be mothers day.

So mummy- I know you do not read my Blog and I hope to God you never do.
But I am proud of you. the woman you are and the choices you have made and the amazing life you have given us.

So this mother's day- seeing as I am almost a mother myself* I actually finally understand what you mean when you say " when you make your own money use it to buy what you want"

I am thankful to God for blessing you so immensely. for how selflessly you treat everyone and how much you want to see everyone succeed.

If everyone in the world was like you, the world would be a much better place.

I love you. Not because you are my mother, But because you are THE ideal mother.


emosh trance over.

Anyone else here get labelled user?

Nope, just me then. And the worst part, I do not bother to conceal that I might be taking undue advantage of said usee.

Some of us are wired without fucks to give.

Lagos- The  Your Queen has landed

* I am not pregnant or expecting a child or a dog or a cat.

On the third day of christmas

I am a 90's baby at heart.

I love the black leather. the over exaggerated baby hair, the skinny brows.

The powerful music with horrible music videos but well meaning lyrics.

I love 90's music*.

Anyway, I found a video that embodies all these traits and is my theme song for December.

Tell me if you want me to

give you all my time,

I want to make it good for you.

because December is the month for taking charge.

* I love the 2000's music too.

Side bar, a hearty congratulations to my mother. Today she was her investiture as the President of the society of women accountants of Nigeria.

I love you mummy. But why do you have to raise the bar so damn high?

On the 2nd day of Christmas.

This weekend had me experiencing several bouts of nostalgia.

In waves and waves.

In the spirit of home sickness, nostalgia and the reason for the Christmas season- Jesus,

I give you:

Abo Abo- Volume 1.

To douse all confusion. I'm part Isoko* and this track has been a staple in my Sunday mornings as well as car rides with my mother and summer holiday's in Warri and everything else.

It was one of the foremost gospel productions from the Niger delta and my mother played the Shit( pardon my french) out of this CD.

I speak Isoko passably, but can sing along to all the songs in this production.

Ps: Abo means hands in Isoko, so basically he is asking you to clap. Also they are subtitled.

Note that the production of Niger Delta gospel tracks have improved significantly.

This was a pioneer.

Enjoy.

pss: This is just part a of a 5 part production.

*Isoko- is a tribe from the Niger Delta where my mother hails from, and I claim occasionally when I want to get out of the garb of being Yoruba from time to time.

Read occasionally in the above statement to mean- ALL THE DAMN TIME.

Sooooo what is going on with you?

That question is so loaded- I always say nothing.

because I do not know who I can trust with my business in thier mouth.

Obviously I am struggling with trust issues- with females and its so odd because you'd think that people talking about me wont concern me too much.

Now I really do not care- I'd rather just not give you my business myself. Its no hard feelings till I sort out who I can trust- EVERYBODY gets to know what is going on with me from here- AKA NOTHING!

Lol. Meanwhile at this amazing house party on friday my friend said she can see the influence of my pole dancing classes in my life. I was putting it down and looking like a bag of money.

-Thats what "they" told me sha.

You know the down side to suffering from lack of trust- Dying to share but having no one to share with.

And no- I'm not sharing on the blog either.

In other more interesting news- It's my mother's birthday!

Another year and no grand kids but I think she is coming around accepting flowers and spa certificates in the place of grand kids.

:)

Obviously not accepting but more tolerating.

I Love my mother and I wish her the absolute best this year. She has been so amazing to me this year and even better she supported all my choices I made. I do not think I can thank her enough for her support.

But Mummy do not worry grand kids are in the works for you*. I love you so so so much, you probably love me more ( as it should be) but I love you alot. Have an amazing day at all your meetings!

:)

*: No this does not mean I'm with child. or maybe it does. whatever.

Random culture shock and sex

"Prostitution in and of itself is an abuse of a woman's body. Those of us who say this are accused of being simple-minded. But prostitution is very simple. (…) In prostitution, no woman stays whole. It is impossible to use a human body in the way women's bodies are used in prostitution and to have a whole human being at the end of it, or in the middle of it, or close to the beginning of it. It's impossible. And no woman gets whole again later, after.”

- Andrea Dworkin

Today I got teary eyed when asked why I do not speak Yoruba.

Its so simple that I live with my mother, who I have lived with alone as an only parent for almost 15 years does not speak Yoruba.

She speaks Isoko which we speak along with pidgin at home.

But I think what really threw me off, was the suggestion that the person who asked me wanted to get me a Yoruba lesson teacher. I can stand the sarcasm and caustic remarks. But the kindness is strange and not necessarily unwelcome. It is just strange.

I can not wait to get married to my Non Yoruba husband and drop my Yoruba 1st name for my Isoko Middle name. Infact Maybe I should have people call me that.

But the strain of correcting people every single time on the proper pronunciation. 

I am finally applying to ICAN for my membership, I have been faffing for almost 3 years now.

It is about damn time.

The quote above is something I need every woman needs to carry around. You can run up mileage on your pussy and be mad that you aren't whole.

There was somewhere I read about sex being different for women because it takes place in her body. Men can come and go but women are stuck housing whatever goes on.

Womanhood is the gift and the curse.

Sometimes, I like to write.

I like to churn out decent pieces and then discard them

or leave them sitting in my drafts.

Other times, I write to relive the moments shared with loved ones

Most times I write, Because I can.

And even when I do not get paid for it,

I do it because it is my release- after struggling with excel sheets all day.

I come here to just pour out what I feel, How I feel, when I do not feel like punctuating,

or spell checking, or googling facts, I just come here and spew forth my bull shit.

My friend from work resigned on friday- Just after we returned from SA, talk about awoof.com

LOL- I keep teasing her that she may have to refund her ticket money.

She laughs.

I like my new senior- at least the one I've had in the last 2 months.

She can scream at me, and in the next minute, we are abusing kim k.

She reminds me so much of my table facilitator- Claudia.

Anyway that is besides the point. Appraisal time is here, and yours truly is reluctant to send in her apprasials.

Why? Its been a fucked up half year- To say the least.

My 1st job this year was a mess, my manager was mean- and I was a weakling who kept crying.

Unfortunately or maybe fortunately for me- My second job was with the same senior who I worked on the same job with. And I brought my A-game.

I hate feeling like I have so much to prove, but I'm learning that I do have so much to prove, to myself, my senior and my various managers.
I also have to prove to bad-belle people in the firm that irrespective of my mothers relationship with the Big Bosses- I can hold my own in my own right.

And I think I am doing this quite well.

I've had only one major breakdown this year in Janury - and that was basically because, my then manager was MEAN.

But that isn't the point. APR's are here and I've been excited with feed back.

My favourite manager has told me to submit my APR. He promised to list of my audit outstandings when I submit it.

Speaking of APR's my counsellor is on leave. How apt. Especially with all the rumours swirling around the office- He managed to go on leave.

Speaking of leave- I need to go on another holiday- I know this would be the third one this year.

I am excited!

My Lovers neighbour was telling me yesterday how thankful he is- that he is male. He said " I doubt I would have been able to resist the pull of aristo"

Speaking of The Lover, We had breakfast on Saturday with my friend from work- same one who quit, and it was absolutely divine. It is one of those memories I will cherish to pull out and caress when I go to school.

And yes- I still intend to go to school, eventhough I am yet to send out my applications.

I think there is a demon involved. holding me back

and this demon has string affiliations with my fear of rejection.

Which is odd- Because I have no fears of rejection.

Its the least thing I worry about- Most times, I believe everyone wants to be my friend.

Is that odd? or a wrapped sense of entitlement?

My mothers birthday is coming- still no grand children, Just thanks and thanks and more thanks.

We are thankful to God.

Now what I really need to understand, is why Im sitting at work at 8:36pm blogging?

Why haven't I gone home?

Why am I strange?

and most importantly- Why does the Lover love me?

The last question is nagging in my subconscious terribly because he has told me " I don't know. I just do"

If I were not an accountant- I wont have felt the need to further probe.

I cant seem to figure it out, and its driving me craaaaaayyyyy- Especially seeing as I'm not a fixer.

Anyway enough of my aimless rambling- How is everyone?

and why the hell am I feeling what seems suspiciously like menstrual pain- Its not 30 days yet uterus, get with the program.

I swear I'm probably the only one on this earth, who doesn't count her days and doesn't carry around a tampon. What can I say- I Like surprises( I think)

even though getting stained by the red robot isn't my idea of a surprise- It is a pleasant surprise.

And oooh Comments!

I get one every now and then- Then you my kind people, while my blog posts are random and not necessarily designed to seek out comments- They are nice.  and I appreciate them.

and would soon develop some guts and start posting some around as well. Anyways thank you all of you that think I'm so bubbly!

Okay this pain is killing me. Gatta run!

Dilemma

How do I tell my mother
That I constantly stay away from the house
and come home late, or not at all

Because I cant stand my sister?

I feel terrible saying it. But it is true. I Love  like my sister- as much as the * insert something here*

But I don't think I want to be her friend.
Basically if I had my way- I would have little or no relations with her.

I mean- I'm sure she is a good person.

But we just are not meant to be.

How do I explain this to my mother without upsetting her?

Million Zimbabwean Dollar question.

happy lives here.

The lover is back.

and all is well with my world.

I also told him i teach and he keeps teasing me about it.

I also did not realise how much i missed him till i saw him.

he also added a ton of weight. I may just have to put my foot down on his weight loss attempts.

that being said, i had a delish weekend.

Nothing but watch games, eat chinese and watch tv with the lover.

I really really really like december.

December reminds me of when i met the lover, and sneaking out at 12 midnight to return at 5am just to listen to really good music.

I have one of those weird ass Love stories.

weird but good.

Im just lying here and being happy if there is anything like that.

it also helps that im shopping online as well.

December in Lagos is always sooo packed. P on P on P.

urgh hate it. wanted to go to my village but work said no.

actually work didnt say no.

along the line i just didnt go.

Im also worried about having to go do a masters, I went to see my sister in April

and she burst into tears when we were leaving.

and then i started crying as well.

thats how much we must have missed each other. and we arent even friends.

talk less of the people you actually like.

I have no idea how i would cope for a year away from all the people i love, mummy, my brother, my lover.

i get teary eyed thinking about it.

i must device a coping mechanism. MUST.

anyways must stop thinking about it.

My friend is giving me a birthday present tomorrow.

Im sooo excited. i cant wait to see what it is, shoes? pants? clothes? a sheer blouse?

i also need to get my hair did. however since i have told all my office people thaty my hair is yansh length im just going to save my self the drama and wait till we close for the year.

ALSO- its Uwana's birthday on Saturday Im too excited about the whole thing.

You'd think she was my child.

I still cant believe Ope has a kid and is married.

Everything is moving so fast.

and everyone is changing so fast.

and im just lying still in the middle of all of it, being happy.

^_^

OMG But you are sooooo Dark.

I giggle and reply, i've never been a light person- what are you on about?

Whenever i meet people for the 1st time, especially females, They comment on my skin shade.

They say " you are quite dark o"

I find it amusing. Ive never been Light skinned, so i dont understand their shock.

Maybe i seem/ speak/come across like a light person.

The same way people cant believe im tall.

Or cant believe im not a size 16- With the way i go on and on about my weight.

My point is this, Nothing is wrong with being dark.

especially if you have really bad skin like yours truly.

But Whenever i see some dark sinned people bleach themselves

Im confused.

There was this girl in my Uni MRS, in year 1 she was probably as dark as me.

Now she is probably as light as Nadia Buari.

I saw her naked the other day and was disgusted.

Green and red veins criss crossed, back of her knees

Blackened knuckles

Black stretch marks

She looked a mess and a half.

Is bleaching worth it?

Do girls really feel not beautiful because they are dark skinned?

Would i feel more beautiful If i was light skinned?

No. I would feel extremely beautiful if i had clear skin.

So yesterday at the party i Deejay'd for, i was a bit late due to other stuff.

Thats how My uncle said i could make some extra cash on the side with this DJ gig.

I said oh no thank you.

Uncle Reggie( one of my Uncles friends) said: E be like say your guy they sort you out well. pepper rest for the guy hand abi? *

Uncle CY laughed and said no mind these ones, them no dey pay rent.

I like hanging out with them. they are sooo street. and they all turned out so well.

Its just a testimony to the fact that you can be dirt poor and turn yourself around**

So I also got saddled with Taking someone out this weekend. so whoohoo to friday and drinks!!

Gats Ginger Debo.

Oh and i did tell My mum about the Incident at the club.

She said all Men are useless.

* Because my mother is from warri, we always speak pidgin whenever her siblings are around.

** My Mother grew up dirt poor. Like one room with seven children kinda poor.

Last night a deejay...

Or rather tomorrow night a Dj would save mylife.

so my uncle is having a party tomorrow for his friend at his house,

and asked me to dj.

this isnt odd, seeing as every year i do it for all the family parties we have in the village.

AND I KILL IT YOOOO.

every single year.

simply because i know what they like/want and i've beeen doing it forever.

so i went over first to get song samples and drop my oldies playlist and i shall be running late, and i shall spend most of my tomorrrow downloading shalamar.

who or whatever shalamar is.

i dunno why family wait last minute to ask you favours.

Enough about tomorrow.

Today.

i think i am going to face disciplinary action at the club, for speeding and one way driving.

In my defense, they need to sort out their parking lot issues.

And the security didnt even report the case o.

it was one man, who had previously seen me at the gym AND offered me 100k if i was able to lose weight in 5 weeks.

( I lied to him that i had a wedding when he asked me what i was doing at the gym, and had 2 drop a dress size because i pre-ordered my dress)

and since then said man has been trying to strike up conversation.

now im not one to be rude to people trying to make conversation at the gym, i mean, we all haave a common enemy (fat) and MOST of us share the same goal( lose weight)

While the others just basically come to meet the opposite sex.

as i was saying, i dont mind people trying to start random conversations at the gym,

actually thats a lie, i have watched enough porn to know that conversations in the gym always lead to dp gangbang sessions. and shit.

so no Mr Pot bellied, my fathers age mate man, i do not want to be "your friend" or receive encouragement from you via cash to lose weight.

Anyways since i am a junior member, i wonder IF my mothe would get suspended.

im too scared to tell her.

actually seeing as i am the only one that actually goes to the damn club, she'd probably be like.

"thank God you can stop trying to lose weight now and be fat"

lol.

now onto two other things a la Simon kolawole style.

Wrecking Relationships.

I've always been unable to not tell a girl when her man is stepping out on her.

I just cant not. I feel like God wont forgive me.

I also think its unfair.

Irrespective what most girls say, they actually dont want to know.

and it just wrecks the relationships.

The mother dearest

is having her bathroom remodelled and hence has 2 share a bathroom with me.

I wont even mention how many times she has shrieked my name only for me to find out how"appalled" she is by how clustered my bath is, she cant believe that i use all these variations of black soap.

and how many times she has reminded me that i would soon marry and go to my husbands house.

is this how i plan to disgrace her? Tufia.*

so yes while i await for RIM to get their act together, i shall continue to comb the internet for cheap Blackberry 9900's.

if you know who has one for cheap. hallate your gal.

Thanking God.

My mothers birthday is on Friday. my sister and I are yet to provide her with grand children.

But it is safe to say we have made her proud. how proud very proud.

and for this i am thankful.

i keep telling people if i turn out to be half the woman my mother is, i would be very happy.

however i find that i am lazy. and she is Hard working. but that is gist for another day.

i am thankful for her life.

i am thankful for my Job

i am thankful for good health

i am thankful for answered prayers

i am thankful for Friends and Family.

i am thankful for the Lover in my Life.

i am thankful for good music.

i am thankful for all of the above and a lot more which i would not blog about.

but as Yinkuslolo said in her blog, this is something i do not do enough, and i should.

so from now, once a month/or week or often sha. i will be thankful to God. in blogpost, tweet, word or deed.

ps. did you know that Nigeria had the 2nd highest HIV infection rate in the world. i believe the 1st remains south africa.

this is very scary news because i know a lot of people that are sexually active. and are rather non-chalantly sexually active.

its scary just thinking about it. the only person i know that had AIDS personally. i didnt even know the person like that, my friends Maid.

anyways please lets refrain from casual sex. if we must, lets be protected.

by protection i mean condoms. because i doubt your baba can help you here.

and i do realize how hypocritical this post may seem. but i honestly do not participate in casual sex. because sex is NEVER casual. dont be deceived.