On Celibacy

One of the reasons I decided to become celibate was because I had noticed a trend of waning interest in men who are absolutely shaking me, after I have sex with them.


And I absolutely wanted to will myself to follow through.
Anyway. fastforward to my meeting my hot date.
and sleeping with him after one two many sleep overs.

I don't think I like him anymore.

Yall- this man was shacking the fuck out of me.
I can't put my finger on what has changed.
I remember telling Yorubae that honestly the thought of getting married never crossed my mind till his ass rotated into my orbit.

So I fuck him a couple of times, and I'm like- meh

I am so lukewarm, he keeps asking  me what is wrong and I'm like - oops.

Like when I'm with him we still have a good time, but once I leave, LOL.

it's almost like out of sight and out of mind.

And yall he is a GREAT guy. Like fantastic by all ramifications. If I made a list, minus his lack of a foreign passport, He'd check a good number of boxes.

But yet- I'm irritated by him. Sometimes.
Case in point, he was sick sick and didn't go to work, and yall I was like oh, get yourself to the Hospital.

He didn't and I was like okay cool.

didn't offer to send him food, didn't ask what drugs do you need. Nothing

and I didn't feel a type of way.

Is this madness?

I'm equal parts confused, equal parts amused.

I feel like I know I shouldn't have fucked him.
I really enjoyed how light headed he made me and now I'm back to earth, I'm like eek.

Update

I did not ghost my hot date.
In fact I found my celibate ass in his bed, 4( okay maybe 5) out of 7 nights last week.
with a standing invite till december

and I planned to tell him about eros and the divorce at dinner this week because at the risk of sounding forward, this feels different and I like this boy.

Anyway so  we are lying in bed this morning and I tell him I am in the middle of a divorce.
For two reasons, 1: I didn't want him to hear from outside and 2: I wanted him to make an informed decision on committing adultery.

And when I'm done he just says okay, I'm happy you told me and kisses the back of my neck and we lay there in silence.

And urgh. I thought I'd feel relived, but I felt physically sick. Like I wanted to throw up.
and when I asked him what he was thinking about he said, he was just wondering where my mind was at re: how it has shaped how I feel about people, relationships and life.
And let me tell you I felt seen.

I generally do not discuss my divorce with people because honestly they don't have the range- and people judge. Anyway I gave it some thought and concluded that

on people, I have learnt to take them at face value.
on relationships, I realize how important loyalty is to me
and in life- you can do everything right and shit will still go left and thats what life is.

And he is like fair enough. And I thought- hmnn Interesting.

Anyway I invited him to