Life update and random musings

 So as you know I recently graduated from school and my work contract ended so I was in that limbo where I had applied for a work permit and at the same time I needed to find a job so I could extend my husbands work permit. Anyway to cut the long story short I got a job- Thank you GOD.

So next thing was obviously building a work capsule wardrobe because even though I have never been big on dressing up to work ever, I am now at almost 40 years old, realizing that I have lost the wear anything to work privileges  because everyone obviously knows how great you are at your job  I enjoyed in Nigeria and I now have to make an effort.

Anyway I had a budget of 150 CAD but realized that I'd have to get creative because the stores in my city were not really hitting. Anyway I went across the border and LUCKILY for me my friend is coming for a wedding in a few weeks and is staying with me so I did a bit a shopping, using like 2/3rd's of my budget in the US- and got a pair of shoes, 5 tops & one black skirt. Honestly clothes have gotten so expensive.

and I didn't stop there, same friend was going to London before coming here so I obviously did another spot of shopping because duh everyone knows the stuff in the UK is so much better fashion/ color & quality wise. So I spent the rest of my budget and an extra $20 on a pair of cream loafers, two tops, one dress ( that is probably not work appropriate), and a pair of tiger print capris I just know my ass will look fantastic in. 

I'm really happy with the items- just incase you cant tell and I am really looking forward to getting into the north American workforce. with all my well thought out outfits and slicked back pony.

I also bought a wig from Nigeria and honest that wig looked like all of Nigeria's problems rolled in one. I know I need to style it but God knows I want to send it back or maybe sell it on Facebook market place because the way I know I wont even wear it at all. its annoying me, I will likely get a random headband wig from amazon that will probably do a better job for me.

Last thing I am really happy with how this  Canada journey has turned out. 

Obviously now I am stopping to revel in this win and this phase but at the back of my mind, getting my permanent residence status remains my priority and the more I think about it, the more I am reminded that God that did all this will do that for me as well.

That being said I am actually really excited for this new phase and I am looking forward to having a blast in my new role with my new baffs and with my new routine. I am now truly learning the meaning of just enjoying the journey I look back at a the last two years and I'm like God you are so good. so much has happened, we have moved houses, I'm on my 3rd Job, My husbands short got nominated at a film festival. So much good is happening and I want to encourage anyone who is in a limbo/transition phase in relocation that there is still so much good in life happening that all you have to do is take note.

I hope you are all well and are taking time to see all the good things happening to you.

:)

One thing about me?

 I'm gonna write. Bruh Life has been lifing.

And not in a bad way in a way that life can be when it just lifes, throwing spanners in your wheels and stuff. but I'm not complaining I'm actually grateful for this life.

I'm in the market looking for a full time role since I finish school in a few weeks * EEEEKKK, can you imagine school is almost over* whew thank you God. Because ONLY God in heaven could have done it for me.

That being said- networking is urgh. I went to an event mixer last night and I was the ONLY black person. I think what is most jaring about this move is being the only black person in a space. its weird. And I don't think the owners of said spaces really mind.

Anyway as I was networking rather demurely I was talking to an asisan drunk guy who was like are you looking for an entry level role? and I said no- I am looking for something a lil more advanced and he was like really and I was like yes I have over 15 years of experience in my finance field and he screamed- YOU SHOULD HAVE LED WITH THAT.

And I was like hmnn should I though? There is a whole thing with Canadians and their zeal for canadian experience which I thank God I now have after a year of working and it fascinating to see how their faces change when I tell them oh I have a job I'm just looking for something in this field, and they are so annoyed- or maybe they aren't annoyed and I'm reading them wrong - but it feels like they grudginly have to open the gate for me, and honestly I get it.

Moving abroad is honestly the biggest amount of social climbing I've ever had to do but boy am I a fast learner. LOL

That being said my husband turned 40 and my plans of throwing a party in lagos were thwarted by IRCC- basically our visa extension that we applied for SINCE AUGUST 2024 hasn't come out, and honestly now I finally understand when people are saying immigration is insane its stuff like this- the Limbo of not knowing what your fate will be, and even though I know It's not personal, It feels very very very personal. So we had a party at home. which was nice. small but you know it is what it is. 

Like I missed my grand ma's 90th birthday in December and now I miss this party that we'd have had. It just feels like what is the whole point? At the networking event last night I met someone whose dad owned a farm but he was studying business at another University so I asked him why he wasn't lookiing for an internship and he said - oh he and the family are going to Italy for summer, and I told him that was the absolute correct choice. He seemed surprised. I told him your family won't be here forever make time to spend time with them.

For some reason everyone was like OMG your husband is 40? and I'm like Yes and they always chuckle and say why did I think you were older- and I tell them its because you have conflated kindness in men with being young and struggle to see someone willing to help their wife so you ultimately assume that he must be younger that his wicked old wife. Actually I don't say that because I'm aware of social cues instead I say he is a health nut who works out everyday and eats very clean. Two things can be true.

I just got off a meeting with my MD and he was literally raking so much about the changes that the business is forced to reckon with because of trump and the AI voice assistant  on teams was like "it seems you are in a high stakes situation" 

Me: Good for all of you.

Honestly on one hand I'm happy that they are all seeing that crazy isn't always better- could have told them that from day 0, I mean I left tinubu. But the second thing which is even more insane is that when he starts screaming I'm just like - my dear I was raised in Nigerian work force, all our bosses used to do was shout. Trust me- IDGAF. 

All of that off my chest I'm really happy about lent, I'm also looking forward to finishing my program on time and having my evenings free, I keep imagining what I'd do with the free time I have. 

Maybe finally write my book.

Hope you are all well, and Q1 is going splendidly- fun fact I have two published authors in the book club I run.

Not to brag but its giving winners circle. :) 

Life update

 There is nothing better than spending time with the people you love.

Thats it. Thats the post.

I've spent the last few weeks in Egypt, Lagos, Montreal, DC, Toronto & even hosting my mother in my city and let me tell you this is the most refreshed Ive felt. 

I felt ALIVE.

There is something to be said for the need of community when you find yourself and your friends screeching till 4am like bandits and having to drink hot lemon water before you go to bed in the morning because you have been talking for HOURS NON STOP.

Honestly alice said it best, there is no place like home.

Although I quite enjoyed Cairo.

Hope you are all well.

and making grand plans for H2. I am absolutely looking forward to my first canadian summer.

as the kids say, we outside!

Life Lately featuring The Alchemist

 I did a re-read of the alchemist and I was reminded why that is probably my best book in the whole wide world.

Every time I read that book, it feels like God speaks DIRECTLY to me. I can not explain it but it comforts me in ways that I don't think Paulo Coelho designed but that's what happens.

Lots of people say its hocus pocus, but I have learnt that its difficult to explain very simple truths to people. 

One of my things in the last few years has been returning to simplicity in a world that thrives on complicating things. That being said , I am happy that I read that book.

As I come to the end of Q1 2024, all I am filled with Gratitude. 

I also got a new job, which is greatttttt and now maybe I can take my art seriously. 

we will come back in 3 months to see where I have reached with that. I have also started looking at keyboards again. Perhaps this is the year I start learning how to play the piano. -AGAIN.

Anyway, I hope you all are well. 2024 has been firing good and glad tidings on all cylinders, and I pray that you are experiencing good things too.

Ps: Maybe its all the dogs here, but I am beginning to toy with the idea of repatriating one of my dogs to be with us in Canada. 

Because I have been playing with my neighbors dog and I WANT MY OWN.

More life updates and most recent rediscoveries- Thanksgiving

 First Update, I can not believe I moved to Canada. Because NGL, this country as a whole is dry. As someone who has lived in Lagos her whole adult life, I am struggling to sort of find my rhythm and blues here, but mostly a rhythm. 

In Lagos it was very Lifestyle-then work- then anything else but since I am yet to build a new community here, its giving " I'm indoor type", which I am not at alllll. But on the upside I really really really like it, if that makes any sense, kinda like love hate? I'm struggling to explain it but I think anyone who has moved countries in their 30's would understand. 

Second update- I'm going to need the personal blogs to come back, I get that all of you are now influencing on IG, with your chat GPT captions and hashtags without the pound sign trying to manipulate the algorithm but come back to writing about your lives. I miss that. Spent the last few weeks trawling through blogspot which brings me to update number 3

3 absolutely random but stumbled across BankyW's Blog and it has cracked me up SO SO SO much. he should go back to writing if this whole politics thing is a long thing. also absolutely re-discovered how much I still like Strong ting. That song was the background song to one of my most wholesome romance stories, ended one kind but was still such a great run while it lasted.

Fourth and final update, Since I moved here I have been introspecting without writing so all the thoughts are swirling around in my head, but one keeps floating to the top, and that is how much I have changed as a person. a few weeks before I left Lagos my friends and I were having dinner and a couple on the next table were struggling to get selfie photos of the sunset and themselves in it, so I asked them if they needed help with the pictures, and then when I came back, both of my friends were like " Omo you have changed o". And it is true, I have changed so much, my other friends have taken to calling me a positivity spin merchant because of how often I congratulate people. 

But minus the good vibes, I think the biggest change for me, is the level of restraint I have managed to grow, I literally went from team nobody should test me, to abeg abeg na I no gree dey tear shirt. Like very few things faze me anymore. Also- surprise- I have now learnt to mind my business, which is strange because the way Eke used to be my hobby, now I'm just like live and let live.

I think covid had such a huge impact on this shift because I can't point to anything else.

Okay I know I said 4 but here is the last one, I have a PACKED December socially, I have 3 exams, one film festival, one christmas carol, one christmas lunch AND I haven't actively bought tickets as per entertainment budget for the December.

One more last one, the people in this city are so dead fashion-wise, I wore a sparkly turban, everybody in my class is like- oMG so fashionable. I'm like guys... You people only know lululemon leggings of course a turban is fashionable to you.

I'm thinking of starting to work out, all the walking in doing in making me lose weight a bit too rapidly.

Watching my birthday flowers die and I'm realizing I really not a flowers girl. I have never been.

Is it just me or are all the new books- NOT GIVING? I'm yet to read a book that has me in a chokehold. publishers PLEASE NOW. shake body for me.

I need a facial, a mani pedi and a thorough wax session, and you know what would handle all these perfectly at once?  A TRIP TO LAGOS FOR CHRISTMAS.

In conclusion, I'm not as home sick as I thought I'd be, I'm more shell-shocked at how individualistic the country is. I had a better time friend wise in Dundee. Here it's just everybody and their dog, and I just want to be like, guys I have a dog too, there is no reason for your dog to be inside the grocery store man. 

That's just unsanitary. 

I don't think I'd ever get used to seeing a dog being pushed in a pram inside a store whenever I'm shopping.

But the one time I'm happiest to see dogs with people here, is whenever I come across a homeless person with a dog, I always try to give them something small, I dunno the sight of them with a dog, makes me feel like they are less alone in this super isolating city. and it gives me too large a measure of comfort. Suffice all this to say, I really miss my dog, and the likelihood of someone calling pet protective services for us , if we eventually bring him over is high because na dog we get, these ones -its pet they have.

One last thing on a whim, we went to see Burna Boy and BOYYYY DID HE GIVE US A SHOWWWWWWWW. Personally I didn't listen to the past two albums so I obviously spent the weekend crash learning the lyrics before we will send me out for not singing- BUT he produced such a wonderful show, as i said in my recap- burnaboy may be very many bad things as a person BUT he is  DAMN GOOD PERFORMER.

I hate to say it, I hope I don't sound ridiculous but I preferred Burna's show to Beyonce.

Okay enough rambling, just remember the 11th hour parable as the year comes to an end. there is still a lot of time for God to answer your prayers.

Happy thanksgiving everyone

Life Update

 

via GIPHY

If you are wondering why I have Kamala saying we did it Joe up there, its because I relocated to Canada.

And when I tell you it was QUICK. God said, okay girlie time to get out of Lagos, and he made it happen so fast that I got whiplash with how quick the move was. For us.

That aside, If you follow me on this blog, by now you'd know that I did a masters 10 years ago ( OMG it is 10 years- eek), and so I'm not really a stranger to moving.. BUT this move has been so emotionally jarring for me.

So much to learn about a new country, and I had to leave my dog behind, well not leave him behind, rehome him and I just did not realize how much I will miss him. And my friend who has him- has FULLY colonized him. Its crazy Fr. But I am soo happy he is so happy and loved.

RE: settling in, no amount of reading can prepare you for settling in, and I think that is the wildest part about moving, like yes you need to do XYZ, but the order in which you do things here, is so important its crazy, but information will get you far.

My friends here have been SOOOOO helpful, the level of handholding has been out of this world- Lekan thank youuuuuuuu.  Lekan absolutely created the softest landing for me and kept telling me not to worry that I will spend my money, readers, he was right, Canada is EXPENSIVE.

And I say this as someone who had started grocery shopping in the UK and flying it down to Lagos- Don't judge me, my inlaw used to go back and forth every few weeks and she was happy to bring in my tesco food shop. So me who was earning Naira in Lagos, was spending GBP for groceries and I still cant believe my eyes with some of these prices.

Garbage bag for $15? Canada please now.

But asides all this, the move has been great. I feel like I should have come a long time ago, but I also feel like I should be thankful I'm here with my husband.

We honestly toyed with the idea of moving separately initially, but THANK GOD wisdom prevailed because I'd never have been able to hack this.  Shouts to everyone who moved countries alone. you people are the real MVP's. and I say this as someone who is super self sufficient and  emotionally resilient and hardly ever has to rely on anyone including my husband.

Omo, since we moved we are entering the phase of "lean on me no be press me die", I hope he likes it because I am enjoying finally having someone to rely on 100% very exciting.

He has supported me so so much and honestly I think our marriage is all the better for it because It has really given him the opportunity for him to be there for me in a way that would never have been possible in Nigeria. 

And the sex- Fiyahhhhhh. Being less busy would do that to you.

Over all I've been here a few weeks and I can say the move has been an overwhelming success. I admit that perhaps I moved a lil delusional thinking we'd find an apartment in 2 weeks, but we did it in a month and everyone is like - you guys are so lucky- and I'm like ehnnnnn. 

But while I hate the lack of a community here I love how honey-moon like it feels for my marriage coming up on two years in a few days. 

Time really flies, It feels like It was just yesterday we were running up and down for wedding and now two years, two dogs and a new country. All I can say is truly thank you God.

The one thing I didn't think I'd miss but I miss so damn much is planning my friends wedding, My friend is getting married and just not being able to be there with her is CRAZY. like whatsapp is great but it is just NOT THE SAME. :(

I miss my mum a lot too, we speak like twice a week and its just her sending me on international errands non-stop. LOL

My brother had another baby, missed his birth by a few days. I miss my children so so so much, Rich aunty for life yo, taking them out all the time and hanging with them was really the best thing.

I miss my nail tech and hair abroad is really expensive ( yes I've always known but what the hell are these rubbish braids for these prices?) I honestly should have taken a masterclass in crocheting my hair or at least pretending to learn to crochet my hair because- hmnnn.

One thing about living here is that my head is a lot clearer, it is so so clear, I used to feel like it was fogged up with random details but now its so so clear, I find it strange.

Like I haven't blogged since May and here I am churning out a post like its nothing.

Don't call it a come back.

I feel like my life is one giant testimony. I was telling someone that I am currently SOOOO happy, and I'm generally a happy person but here now in this moment, It really feels like God said, you have been strong for long enough, now you will be happy. 

Life lately & a Divinely Helped September

 Before I get into it, Pj ( aka my husband) wants to give away the dogs because they shed so much. 

Insert the meme of the woman crying in court about her husband. I'm in severe pains.

My heart can not take it, but I get it. :(

Anyway, I'm sure he is just saying that because I don't work from home and he is with them all day.

Be that as it may, I am happy flourishing and spending as much time as I can with them because if they leave then all I will be left with are memories.

the housecleaner came yesterday and she cleaned the house so well that even after I hosted people when I showered & settled into bed I sighed a huge sigh of happiness and gratitude. The house was clean, the dogs were, walked, fed & sleeping at the foot of the bed. my lava lamp was gently illuminating the room, the candle- that I repotted & burnt for 4 hours lent a scent to the space, as I laid my showered body onto the bed, I sighed and thought, can it get better than this?

and I said it can but this is pretty damn good. 

Off course I woke up late today but I went to bed very happy.

I love my life and I am now ready to relocate. Canada we are coming.

Also I partook in a 28day writing challenge and it was soo good I did not write the last day because I did not want it to end but I'm so proud of myself, and It just showed how important having some community accountability is in meeting set goals. 

I am definately taking that lesson into this next phase of my life.

I hope you all are having a good time!

and Happy new Month

What the Caterpillar calls death, the wise man calls a butterfly

 I feel like 2021 has been one of those years where nothing and then EVERYTHING happens at once.

As much as I am an intentional person, planning and priming and pesuading my life into a mold I like & prefer, this year, maybe covid fatigue, maybe general tiredness, maybe a stroke of luck, had me just taking my hands of the reins and boyyyyy was I pleasantly surprised.

First of all, I got married to Hercules, much to my mothers immense pleasure and to the ultimate obliteration of my financial plans for 2021. Honestly the minute we agreed to get married in September, I literally stopped tracking my expenses, because what you do not know can not kill you.

It was such a wonderful ceremony, and it showed me how much growth I had made as person, for one, everything that was going to stress me, I reminded myself that I was bound to experience, because who the hell plans a wedding in 6 weeks?

Someone  who clearly has a huge buffer for stress. And the process re-inforced a few things for me top of which, go with your mind always.

Every vendor that was referred to me, fucked me over abysmally. Surprisingly the process was relatively easy with Hercules, he met me half way, had little to no  unreasonable demands, and he was quick to remind me to delegate always. He also had the crazy idea of us doing the registry on the same day, which turned out to be the best part of the day for me.:)

The second thing for me this year that absolutely threw me for a loop was getting into a artist residency in Spain. I have not written as much this year because I was mostly processing my transition work wise/ settling into the new role, attempting to take the trainer wheels of the relationship that moprhed into this marriage, and generally accept that because of my competencies I will forever have to manage boundries, all of this meant, writing really became a luxury that I could not afford.

My tiny letters havent been updated in months, my travel blog same AND this one sparesly, most of my writing has been work emails and terse whatsapp messages to co-workers. Applying for the residency was really my way to ensuring that I was not tossing my dream of becoming a published "authoress" into the abyss of all the raggedy ness, and the reality of life and adulting hit me and I said well If I'm going to do it, I'm just going to have to find a way, a combination of me seeing the annoucement on time, plus a random exhange that led to my applications being properly edited and a ton of other things, I got in!

I was SCREAMING when I say the email, infact I accepted it so late like on the day of the deadline. I sent in my very pretty black and white photo, from my birthday photoshoot last weekend that I'll probably use for my book head shot and wrote the wittiest bio for myself and I still can't believe I'm going to a fucking artist residency where I'll have some time to write my book!!!

Okay I think the last and wildest thing in 2021 was me learning french. My office made it mandatory for a few of us to learn french and that means in the last 6 months twice a week I'd been resuming work at 7:30AM to have french class for an hour and a half. all is well that ends well because I booked the hotel for my holiday in french on a whim and I think I did a GREAT job. 

My vision board is on my phone wall paper, I am yet to complete any of the things on that but what has been achieved is so much more.

I am truly excited for 2022.

The word I'm taking into 2022 is ease. a lot of what I have, I have earned with sweat and tears so na wetin no hard me get na him i wan enjoy this 2022.

I also think we have been raised to conflate ease with lazy but as someone who planned a wedding in 6 weeks, I now know that things CAN be easy, and I'm ready for them to be easy for me.

Ps: if you know me in real life and wanna see wedding highlight video, email me. :)

Pss: I know it is a bit early to be doing year end reviews but - this is the time I have so here we go!

New Year ( and urgh what is this new layout?)

 I love new years because ya girl be making GRAND PLANSSS.

anyway just swinging in to say happy new year and I am super grateful for how 2020 ended and I am looking forward to migrating to my new lifestyle website soon. eek

So exciting... Honestly 2021 is gonna be d bomb!

:)

Hope yall are well and keeping safe etc etc

One House

After writing on a million and one personal sites on the internet for over 10 years, I have decided to get everything in one place one one page.

ie. the personal finance column I write for peermentors, My travel blog, my tiny letters and also this personal blog. None of which I'd be deleting just moving to one place and consolidating them there.

One of my biggest concerns is how private I want to be but how public I worry that I'd be forced to become. but we'll see. this is definitely something I'm mad excited about because on some level I'd been stressed about not having my whole writing in one place but now I'm really looking forward to having a website where ALLLL of these will be sitting pretty.

Not sure the direction in which it will evolve but I'm excited about starting it.

Honestly Can't wait. I'm still finalizing the format and content calendar and contributors but definitely looking at a mid august roll out.

In other more important news, I hit a 100 day streak on my bible app. thank you Corona. being able to stop and chill gave me room to attempt to cultivate a relationship with God, and really just read the bible which is why when I set the 100 day target I was like hmnnn. Just take it one day at a time. and like joke like joke, I have hit and surpassed it and I do not know how to act. LOL.

I have applied to two jobs, for two very different roles, One I'm at the second stage of interviews and the other one took roughly 6 weeks to come back to me and tell me no. It was when they said no that I realized that maybe I wanted that one more. But no use crying over split milk now is there?

I only started realized that maybe I need to start taking the job search seriously when my home girl asked me to loan her some money and I had to say no because I actually didn't have spare cash. One of the things I pride myself on in life is having spare cash to loan my friends and family when they ask. And because I have a super strict budget- hello emergency funds- saying no to her during payroll week made me sad, even though I know I had no reason to be sad.

So I started filling out OTHER job applications that honestly I'm like meh. Infact one role that is $60k a year, I did the assessment and was just so tired that I didn't bother to complete the process because abeg. Then the Hiring manager called me from Yankee to ask if I was going to complete it because I scored super high. I said yeah sure and planned to ghost. But I'll do it now sha.

This other job that I wanted in the beginning of the year, and got called for an interview but I blew off because I was going on vacation and then got rescheduled and I never heard back from them because corona, have put up the job availability. I know all I need to do is fill out the application and It'll be a breeze because I already have the networks and etc etc but I'm SOOOO lethargic about doing it.

I've spent the last few months really knowing myself and getting super specific about certain things such as, the kind of work that will suit my personality; the kind of work relationship I want with my direct boss ( the kind 007 and M had); the amount of money I'd love to earn; the kind of tasks I want to do daily and just how much public speaking I'd like to do outside of work. And honestly the two jobs in the last two paragraphs- no too fit in. The very first two I applied for are more suited to me and my person tbh.

In other news, I  singlehandedly organized a fund raiser and provided mattresses and food items for a less privileged home last month. Honestly I've struggled with speaking about it because 1- I feel some type of way and 2- I don't know that I should be sharing it. I am super proud of myself. Was telling T and he said not everyone who feels bad about something can singlehandedly change it in response to me telling him that my heart was SO heavy after seeing the video. When I told him that he was like- lots of people would have felt bad and kept it moving, but you paused and did something about that feeling.

And that's such a great thing. And honestly just having to ask people for money non stop scared me shitless which was why I went above and beyond in the reconciliation bit. Haha.

And everyone was soooooooo gracious. it was a great feeling. And the cherry on the cake was that the next time I went to the home, they had tarred the road, so it was great all around.

Someone also asked me to come and sit on the board of an NGO he owns. I was like - LOL PASS. 

In more positive news, I got my nails did today. And I do not know how to act. I'm so excited because honestly the evil corona has done is enoughhhh.

However it gave me a book club; a 100 day bible streak; time to settle down and organize and donate to the less privileged and allowed me see what my ideal life could really be like if I took out Lagos hustle and bustle. And I feel very blessed and I do not take it for granted.

Honestly I recognize the place of privilege that I sit in currently to be unfrazzled about being unemployed. Infact, my friend came by for me to assist her on some personal finance ish and after an hour mentioned that I hadn't mentioned that I am looking for a job. And I was thinking to myself well that is not why we are here, and shamefully - I don't think you'd be able to employ me anyway so, why should I mention it to you? Plus I already had the two options I really wanted already lined up.

Anyway I am thankful that I do not have to deal with the anxiety that comes with searching for a job because "Corona is outside" and also because I'm just super chilled. Life is good.

I have some even more interesting personal news I am bursting to share but hopefully come august when all the ducks have fully lined uppp then I"ll announce it.

I really love my nails and I even love the nail girl more. I miss attending lagos weddings, going on uncountable dates and being on the receiving end of attention from lagos boys. 

Which is strange because I haven't opened bumble ONE time during this lock down and I stopped replying messages from boys. Stranger things have happened sha.

Blogspot changed their layout again. OH LORD.

Half year review- But it's really 5 months

Ah June is already here and honestly this year could not be any stranger if it tried, that being said, the earth keeps spinning, white policemen continue to kill unarmed black men in America and Hercules continues to be a much better cook than me.

Without much a do, lets get into it.

On relationships

This year I really wanted to get fundamental relationships i.e my female friendships in my life sorted. I have spent a good portion of my life being there for people, and helping them so I had hoped that if the need arose, I'd be comfortable enough to ask the people in my life for help.
I don't know if it is corona, or that people are just who they are but I have been unable to find the depth of satisfaction I am seeking in friendships. I guess everyone is a little preoccupied.

On doing difficult things that I had struggled with.
One of the things I realllllly wanted to do this year was build a reliant relationship with God starting with studying his word. It is with great pleasure and some pride( I'm not gonna lie) that I announce to you my 6 week, 42 day streak on the bible app. All the Glory goes to Jesus because I had started a first streak and 9 days in I lost it. And I am not ashamed to say that I considered  turning back the clock to get the back, but I was like- whats the point? I missed a day but God is ever present, so we move. And here we are at 42 days. When I get to 50. I'm writing a separate post and dedicating it to God.

Another difficult thing I ( not struggled per say) wanted to do was build a work out routine into my lifestyle.
I have not really had the need to lose weight for aesthetic purposes because thankfully my body type is in vogue with the flavor of the Szn. Naomi WHO?
But for the longest time I'd always wanted to be able to do 25 push ups. Now the best part of this is that if I had to get ready for a vacation- IN TWO WEEKS/ my body snaps into perfect formation and honestly by the 3rd week of working out I'm looking like I eat iron for dinner.Thankful to this body for letting me pepper my IG feed with bikini photos without having to suck belle.
That being said- still haven't built a work out routine. Must find something I enjoy.
I had tried to keep up with my trainer, but I really draw the line at Zoom work out sessions.

The last difficult thing, was share some family responsibility with my siblings. I felt and I continue to feel like I do a lot of the heavy lifting house wise and honestly- it sucks. I don't mind it but it's unfair.
I had been doing a lot of secretariat services for my mother since we both home bound, but during the week I nipped out to see Hercules. So tell me why at 2 AM on sunday my mother texted me that she was going to look for a business center to type a speech because I wasn't home.
So I asked, ask my brother, and she said he told her he was going out.
I didn't bother to ask her to ask my sister, because in Nigeria having a husband excludes you from mundane family tasks.
Very well I waltzed into the whatsapp group and LIT EVERYBODY'S ASS UP. And let me tell you, it felt GREAT.
My mother ignored all the messages while my brother protested that he had been working since. I told them IDGAF, I don't want my mother asking me about business centers if they have access to her. Her husband ended up typing it for her. and I didn't bother to even ask anyone anything.


On Money

Tbh, If I knew I could survive on so little cash, I'd have been more willing to quit my job and travel the world when I was 25.I have not saved as much as I targeted, HOWEVER- I am not broke even though I haven't gone to work all year. I was going to say I haven't worked- but all the secretariat work I've done for my mother this year has me contemplating putting EA on my CV.  Adjacent to this money talk, turns out I have way too many clothes. I don't know who the fuck I thought I was buying clothes for EVERY SINGLE FUNCTION I ATTENDED LAST YEAR.
And to think I had a clothing budget. This year it's Zero. I do not need new clothes AT ALL. However I really should consider beginning to earn income that is not from investment. If anyone wants to Hire me. shoot me an email

On Career.

I'm thankful for the break in transmission because -what the fuck are those hours anyway?
And what better way to explain a 6 month break in your career than Corona?
That being said my two top choices for a job want to hire me but have a global freeze on recruitment.
And even though I feel like I should be doing something with some degree of urgency with my free time. All I can do is read, run my book club, wait hand and foot on my mum and speaking lovingly to my plant. That being said in all the downtime, I finally figured out what I want to do career wise, and because the universe is gracious, I found the exact role. Honestly it's a perfect fit for me.Fingers crossed for corona to go because I have no idea how a virtual on-boarding is going to work.

On Happiness

I think driving in Lagos puts so much tension in my body that I can not believe how tightly wound up I am when I get home. In the last 3 months I have driven maybe 6 times and the last two times have had me like- are lagosians okay like this? Anyway when I'm not driving I am happy.I do not think I have had this little anxiety in my life. Also I took a break from men- dating them, fucking them and entertaining them frequently- so I'm sure that contributed to the rise in my happiness level. Showing up for myself consistently has definitely contributed to me being happier than usual. I am so happy that I haven't even leaned on retail therapy. And that's a big deal because I'm always buying something.

On Listening to my body

Not just physically but mentally as well. All this quiet has really shown me my self. The growth I have experienced and continue to experience and tangible evidence of that growth. The compassion I show myself when I act irresponsibly or I go against my body and how quickly I am to self sooth. One of the most fascinating things is the ease with which I exit conversations that I have no business being in. See this alignment of self with body is something I think many people should strive for. And because I know when I am acting out of turn, I am quick to apologize and align my actions with the person I am aiming to be. Also this is me acknowledging that oil-cleansing is not for me and I need to hang it up and stop clogging my damn pores. I've attempted to punish my skin and inexplicably myself by over exfoliating post oil clogging. As with the number of my men in my life, my skin flourishes under the maxim that less is more. Since most of my products finished my skin has really been on its best behavior, except when I drench it in oil and clog my pores.

In line with listening to my body, I miss my facial girl and my massage therapist.


On Knowing myself

I set out to really hone in on the intentional practice of predictability this year. I wanted the people in my life to know and state beyond the regular cant vouch for anybody, that in certain situations, my actions would be consistent with their expectations because of the person that I am. And I want the record to state that it is I, who makes up the people in my life. I wanted to - barring never say never- categorically say this is who I am in XYZ situation and my stance is unwavering. I am making very certain progress.Which is why when I was expressing surprise at the swiftness with which a mutual friend was leaping into a relationship with my friend, her off hand remark of "Oh you are still so Jaded" took me by surprise. I asked myself, Are you a jaded babe? I came up with a resounding no.
and kept it moving. Last year I might have attempted to explain why I said what I said, but this year Jesus has died for me and that is enough for me. We are not debating things about myself with non factors.


In Conclusion

I know it seems like I set out to do A LOT of personal work this year. I did. and honestly asides my inability to write as often as I'd like, or keep up with my travel blog as consistently as I'd like, I'm taking my wins where I find them. For the inconsistency with my travel blog, I hail myself on the consistency I show in running my book club. For how quickly I lose my temper over the most inane thing, I clap at how willing I am to apologize and make up for cutting remarks. When I am uncharacteristically short with a sibling, I applaud the efforts I make in stretching myself working to assist the other sibling. I guess this year I am really striving for balance. not perfection.

As always in the other 7 months of this year I want to take my piano lessons seriously. And build a work out routine, and stop putting oil on my face. And write consistently. And define what consistently means. ( it means two travel posts and one tiny letter per month- I have so much to sayyyyy)

Tomorrow is a HUGE day for my family. I have planned my mother and sisters wedding and the anticipation for tomorrow is bigger than both combined.
Tomorrow June 2nd 2020, my mother becomes the president of ICAN. *cue champagne popping*
Honestly so so so so so proud of her. I really really really like when people get what they have worked so hard to attain.
This might also be the reason why I am unwilling to work as hard on certain ventures- BECAUSE ITS SUCH BLOODY HARD WORK. and just having front row to how hard the work is, makes you really wonder- Do I want it bad enough.

And for me, most times the answer is no, but when its Yes, nothing in my path survives. hash tag indaboski?

That being said, I should have done my nails instead of lying in bed all day reading.Maybe I'll do some Yoga.

Lockdown

A couple of things I have realized about myself during lockdown:

-I really like my mother. not as a parent but as a friend.This is the most time we have spent together since I became an actual adult and honestly I love it. She can be annoying but still

- I don't like my sister.  I mean I'd give her a kidney but she annoys me. And I've been trying to work out why and it's simple. I just don't like her person. If she wasn't my sister, I'd never speak to her.

- I prefer structure in my life, it makes me more efficient.

- I hate DIY. DIY hair, nails, anything and everything DIY. I did an oil cleanse and clogged my pores. my skin hasnt recovered. On the other hand I BEGGED my hair dresser to open her saloon on the low and attend to only me so I could take out my braids and wash my hair. So she snuck me in and I felt like a xter out of money heist. But there was no way I was taking out my braids. I don't even have that much upper body strength.

- Money likes me. I don't know how to explain this except I have been unemployed for approx 6 months and my lifestyle hasnt changed and I haven't had to dip into my savings and It's so fascinating really how much planning and budgeting does for your physce.

-I don't need half of the stuff I have, and once this corona lifts I'm giving away the half I don't need.

- I am shallow. I was watching a company I was considering working for and they had a promo video. so I decided to watch it, since someone I knew was in the video. the opening montage had someone typing on a keyboard and her nails were terrible. chipped nail poilish, uneven length. And I was like does this mean they don't pay well enough or nobody in the office cares?

- When I want things, I realllly want them. I saw the JD of my dream role and while I know it might be a LONG shot, I threw my hat in the ring anyway. Also super pleased with myself for getting my refund from BA in under 24 hours. I guess stake holder management experience has it's perks.


- I want to teach eventually. This lock down has shown me that I don't want to live a rat race life. I need to work to finance the life I want for myself but I don't have another twenty years of my life to give to this grind. I want to teach women about the positive correlation between economic indepence and quality of life available to them.

-  The most fun I've had with a man is with hercules. We spent roughly 20 days together ( not at a stretch because come on) and we had so much fun together. Our days consisted of me sleeping at 5/6am because of a broken body clock from trinidad, and him sleeping at roughly 1am because 30 plus. On the mornings where he wakes up before I go to bed, we have breakfast, sometimes have sex, he lets in his house keeper. we play 10 rounds of table tennis. we work out sometimes. I sleep. He works. when I wake up at 6 ish. he makes dinner, I pick a movie or show for us to watch. We have drinks, snacks, some more sex. sometimes we play cards. I try to half heartedly apply for jobs. he gives me bootyrubs and we daydream about getting a place together.we also send each other funny jokes on Ig. and we google recepies for what to eat It's basically a mini honeymoon except we are on lock down in his flat and we only went out a couple of times for groceries.
 and we are obviously not married.
( if anyone is interested he has asked, more than once, I reply hmmmm all the time)

- When I get married, its definately to a man who cooks, cleans and lets me be a starfish during sex because I've had so much to eat and drink. Also this is so far removed from what I'd have envsioned as someone who does everything in her own life.

- I have the constant concern ( and it is really an insecurity) that whenever I want to give out things to people, they are too small and I end up never giving them. But this lockdown I decided to give people what I have like that jare, its a pandemic. Asides reaching out to all my domestics to send them something small to hold body. I bought a soap and glory body wash set for the lady at the BA desk in lagos who got my ass on that flight ensuring I didn't miss trinidad. And then I got back and was stalling to give her because I felt I should have gotten her something more ghen ghen. It crossed my mind to give her a bottle of zara perfume I got for myself but I got one for my sister and my aunt so it was like a set. I literally had to talk myself into giving her the gift like that.

- There is no new normal. I hate the covid webinars. As an aside, anybody else's mother pronouce it the same way Ribena is pronouced? LOL

-There are a lot of things I say I want to do, but I really don't because if I did, I'd have started doing them already.

- I'm more concered about the person I'm going to be reporting to, at whatever new job I get, than what the role title is called. I really want an intelligent and challenging boss.

- I think I have a crush on HBO. if you know who that is, then you know. I l0ve intelligent men who have industry experience.

- I like kind men

- I find it harder to like people than love them.

- I continue to have the fantasy of older me in the south of france, with all my friends and their kids and a large table on a patio that connects to the kitchen and me screaming to every one to settle down, and when they finally settle down,  my voice cracks as I say " For the food we are about to receive, we thank you oh lord" and all the girls burst into laughter because its a QC food prayer and I reprimand one of their husbands saying " I did not hear your Amen" and someones asks me about the wine and everyone rolls their eyes while I say, oh this? it's from this years harvest from the vineyard.

- I might be suited to a much slower and languid pace of life than the frenzy of the old normal might have led me to believe

- I still love wine. I think this as I struggle to get through the remaining half bottle of the uber expensive whiskey someone gifted me for my last birthday.

- I caved and made my first wig, It's a super sleek power bob and it was heavily discounted when I bought it so I figure, why not? I got the weave on sale from lolavita hair, cost N24k or so.  A STEAL. I confess I forgot about it. but I've now remembered and wig life loading.

- I showed someone my linkedIN photo he said it looked like a Tinder shot. Honestly this packaging life will kill all of us, but I'm taking a newer photo sha. Let it not be because of slay Queen employer will say no.

- I might do my nails, by myself. Urgh God punish Covid 19.

Ps: travel blog updated

Masah Allah

I stumbled across this one instagram and flew to youtube to look for it.
This reminds me of the 2nd of January 2019 while I was lying in bed in Essaouria ( alone if I might add); I had just woken up and checked my phone of the results of my Exams.

Now the exams were good, but it was the second time I was retaking them so even though I was pretty confident, the exams were percentile based so my perfomance was gonna be graded against everyone else's perfomance as well. All of this is to say, that I was confident BUT also the tinest bit nervous.

Anyway I passed the exams as you know, but I was swamped with an overwhleming relief and then the Adhan started. I'd heard lots of it in Marakesh, but this one felt so different. So I laid in bed and listened till it was done.

And then texted and called everyone and tweeted.

Anyway I hope we are all keeping safe, and doing our best to social distance.

This week I listened to a podcast of a woman who said her dream was to work for the UN, which she started doing in Abuja, but then she got married had kids and is now a fitness coach for stay at home mothers.

And while I absoultely do not think becoming a stay at home mother is a bad thing, I was overcome with surprise and slight irritation by how quickly she let go of her life dreams to support her husband and nurter her marriage. She said she made a first class and she was the first person to do so in her department in her university because she knew that was her life's goal, travel around the world AND work in the UN doing international relations.

I say this as someone who had a front row seat to watchin my mother really go after everything she wanted including single parenting three children. That being said I realize not everyone has that zeal but at the same time I wish people wouldnt give up so easily and then say that them giving up is God's plan for them.

God's plan is to do exceedingly and abundantly more than you can ever imagine or dream. Which means our desires come from God.
So why are we playing small?

On sunday I was talking to my uncle and we were talking about earning, and I said I was buying some dollars and he said but you are technically unemployed, and I said actually I am unemployed, unemployed.
And he was like well but you are earning investment income and I said but it isnt my salary so.
I think people find it strange that I am comfortable being unemployed.

Which I find very fascinating. simply because for some reason if you are not gainfully employed people expect you to be panicked and maybe asking for hand outs. but it's really neither of those things for me. It's like I'm not working because I don't have a job. Thats it. Like when I get a job, I'll simply go back to working. I also think a big portion of who I am isn't tied to what I do for a living so it's not too hard to tell people that I am unemployed. because its simply what it is.


And I was in the shower thinking about that and I was thinking should I have told my uncle the number of months that I'd be able to go through unemployed if I wanted to and won't have to worry about money?

And then I also thought, about my relationship with God, and I told God, I really want to develop a relationship with you now that I am not in dire need of anything. I know that it's when your back is to the wall that people usually reach for God but I was like, look I'm in a good place I want to be in a good place with you now. I don't want it to be a situation of I needed this and I came to you.

And as I'm writing that, I'm thinking is the relationship you have with God better when its by choice or when circumstances have backed you into a corner and that's your only life line?
This lock down has slowed down everything and quietened everything in my mind and I can ask myself all these questions that I'd never have asked myself before, and has allowed me be comfortable with saying, I do not know, and I can sit with not knowing because I have nothing but time to figure it out. to untangle all the wires that have jumbled up while running around in the circles of lagos living.
so I guess we bobby valentino's lyrics "slow down I just wanna get to know ya' has some meaning.

Lagos state has lifted the ban tentative on May 4th. And I can't think of anything worse tbh. But my potential employers are going to get back to employing people so I need to get back to identifying what I'd want to do full time going forward.
And honestly I am at my wits end.
But I'm learning to trust that there is bigger plan for me. and its exceedingly abundantly more than whatever it is I imagine.

Hope all of you are well.
Oh and Ramadan Kareem to my Muslim brothers and Sisters.

Random

its so fascinating how there is not one site on the whole internet that has the functionality that lets me put in ALL my skincare products and then it generates a routine for me.

Because I have A LOT of skincare and I'm not buying anymore till all of them finish.

And when I say alot. I mean a lot lot lot.

Anyway I have started building the routine my self because if there is anything I'm tryna come out of qurantine with, asides being alive offcourse; it's glass like skin.

So my once in two day showering habit is clearly working against me. None the less.
The goal is really to have the skin on my face match my neck.

I've stopped wearing foundation because honestly- it's been a bitch to find my exact match, my skin is super oily and not to brag but my skin looks good enough to go without foundation these days.

I mean my last holiday I didn't bother wearing and it looked perfect.

Another thing I want, no NEED to learn is how to wear lashes. God give me steady hands please.

pss: I started a book club. Super duper amused/excited. I read a book wanted to discuss it at length couldnt find anyone so I started one. And honestly its rudimentary AF, but it works, 12 women who just want a distraction from being isolated. Reading a book a week and talking about it so viciously.


I am "also" hoping to get back into yoga even know my favorite mat is stuck in the studio in lekki one ( if you think this sounds like an excuse, it is and you are right).

last but not the least, I am hoping to write up a CV and apply for Jobs. Fantastically enough there are quite a ton of openings AND they are all up my alley, although everytime I think of writing my CV, I'm like I've been working for 10. TEN years?
WIUN.

Even though I am great with money- I have to say that I do not have the egg nest of someone who has worked for 10 years.
I mean 3 vacations a year will do that to you, but still.
Will need to revisit my financial goals for this decade. Actually will need to create financial goals for this decade and get into it. ASAPLY.

I really should get into writing, about my last holiday if not for anything to relive the whole process again. Honestly you people should brace yourselves to hear about this vacation for a very very very long time.

Also, do y'all think I should include a running thread of posts of the books my book club is reading?

Twenty Twenty

And everything was supposed to be double double for 2020.

This year was loosely unplanned for a number of reasons, 1- I didn't have to go to work everyday and because I was still doing a lot of ground work for my mother due to her 60th birthday coming up.
So that was that.

Then I went on holiday and had the time of my life. Unfortunately I did not have time to sample the trini men because ya girl was all partied OUT. That was the real party after party. After party after party. Well deserved because I sort of didn't have a budget and did not have any responsibilities asides occasionally send a decent looking photo to my mother and family members.

It was glorious. Add that to this I think for the first time so long I actually rested.
Then I went to tobago rented a car and drove around the island- a quick shout out to google maps for not getting me lost too many times.

I remember reading something from wendy about being careful about who fills up your cup. Before I went to tobago, my friend had mentioned that it was expensive and the logistics of driving were off because narrow roads with a city set on a hill.
My other friend was like- nah you good.

When I got there I was like, nah It can't be that bad.
Readers, it wasn't. Between the car and my hotel for 4 nights everything came to $400.
It was not as expensive as I envisioned, at all. it was fun.
And it's right had drive. the last time I drove right hand was in Cape town in 2016.

Anyway this bit is interesting because I went to an interview two weeks ago and the interviewer was trying to explain something to me and asked- do you drive, I said yes.
then he asked - have you driven right hand before?
and I said actually just got back from tobago where I drove right hand.

And he said so you will understand the basics of overiding your instincts and switching over when the need arises.

I said yes- because duh its an interview, but I had absolutely NO IDEA what he meant by that. I didn't bother asking him to explain because I'm like meh.

After tobago I went back to london where I saw Lionking the stage play and felt an overwhleming urge to make more than enough money so I could fly my aunt's kids to london and have them watch it!
I also swung by my friends house. And honestly that house was glorious. never seen house in the UK that looked so nice and lived in and lagos-y.

It was warm and filled with love. And I'm not saying the houses in london are not filled with love but the people who live in London CAN be cold. and it shows in their living conditions. Everything is rationed and measured and cut. This house had that buffer living that lagosians understand.
where something can be 6 but if its 6.5 that's okay too, its not the end of the world.

It had the flexibility of things not being exact and certainty that the lack of exactment would never translate to the end of the world. The kind that lagosians have and infuriates the whole world.

Case in point, when I told my trini friends on sunday how I hadn't gotten my costume but I was sure by monday I'd find something to wear.
And they were aghast. And by monday I found something to wear in the band I was looking to play in. they were surprised, I told them I'm Nigerian.

At the airport I tried out some traditional trinidadian food and threw up on the plane.
That has never happened to me ever. getting sick on the plane.
But I realized how mind your business-ey white people can get. ONLY one man ( mixed nationality) beside me gave me a paper bag when he saw how I struggled during the turbulence and the older man (black) behind me, asked me if I was feeling better once I got out of the bathroom after puking out my guts.

Not one of the air host/hostesses asked me a damn thing- AND THAT IS WHY I WILL NEVER FLY BRITISH AIRWAYS EVER AGAIN.
Also including the fact that this flight was delayed by two days and I spent them apphrensive about missing my vacation.

Back to Lagos and Self isolating with hercules who so kindly got me from the airport- even though he was characteristically late. and then after a night of reckless hotel sexing, he took me home to see my mum.

Anyway. One thing I found so interesting about the Caribbean was just how interesting their maintenance culture is.

I came home and now I want to throw out half of my shit. these people don't have anything they don't use.

Literally like i was in awe. even those who were fantastically loaded. They didn't have any gold ostentatiousness in their houses.

Like even with designer items. everyone literally just wore the clothes they own and looked super cute.
This is making me reconsider, I'm not very obsessed with material items to be fair- I did reward myself with a designer purse for passing my exams and even then it was an existential crisis because I was like I promised myself I'd get it for when I passed.
but I had just spent a ton of cash at Carnival.
And honestly I know it's self preservation that is making me not even add up how much I spent. but beloved it was worth every dollar.

Anyway I bought the purse, it was also 50% off. so. The choice was sort of made for me.

2020 has been a fantastic year so far, I can't even lie. I have enjoyed this hiatus from working that has thoroughly fucked up my sleep pattern. I mean my bed time is currently 3am, because I spent the last quarter in 2019  pulling all nighters for my exam, then followed by a fine romance that had me on the phone till 5am a lot of times ( honestly this was fun), that sort of led to me pseudo cohabiting then off to the Caribbean for carnvial and that one broke my body clock, which is why its 4:11am and I'm very awake.

hope you guys are all keeping well? and you are resting  and not struggling to make use of this compulsory holiday.
yall should rest.

no one knows when next you will get time off like this. and honestly I am sooo unbothered about finding a job, its boderline irresponsible, but I love this feeling ngl.
God got me, and all of us, because look at the birds etc etc you know the verse.

:)



 

Update and all that good stuff

My exam was interesting, and for the first time in a long time I do not know how the results will swing. I'm uber apprehensive.
Say a prayer for me.

Following closely on the heels of that; I've decided to end things- whatever things are with the pretty boy who I really liked and was shacking me that I then slept with and he sort of lost some of his shine.
That boy.

I felt like he was jealous of me. And I know how ridiculous I sound writing it because how can someone toasting you be jealous of you.
But I spoke to my uncle and he said two things can be true. Someone can like you and be envious of you.

And I'd never have considered myself to be someone to be jealous of, because honestly aren't we all struggling with one thing or the other? My friends say it is that he does not believe I had the guts to put him on a rota. of other men.
Which is amusing because - WHERE IS YOUR COMPETITIVE SPIRIT?
LOL.

Honestly I'm slightly disappointed but very surprised at his actions. and in all my experiences with men I have never ever ever experienced anything like this in my life.
color me surprised.
how can someone be toasting and shading you at the same time over looking good?

My friend thinks I intimidate him and he has low self esteem. My uncle thinks he is not just used to women not centering him.

I honestly wish I did not tell him about my divorce or open up to him.
and even though I knowwwww it has no bearing on my decision making abilities I honestly can't believe I entertained yet another low self esteem nigga.

Anyway I'm off to a date tonight and I am two minds about it because I'm wearing a shirt, with an actual collar.

LOL

the one day I'm dressed like Funmi from marketing I agree to a date on a whim. LOL

update

adult education issa bitch.

just being an adult and having to do the right thing especially when its difficult issa bigger bitch.

I officially ended things with Hercules, as a result of many things one of the mainest was that I didn't want anything as serious as what he wanted. and also the whole celibacy thing( we used to have the most fantastic sexxxxxx).

Anyway it was awful.
as terrible a person as I am, I honestly really hate hurting people who like me.
A younger me would have been like- meh just roll with the punches sis, but an adult me is like- Okay this isn't going to work, you need to get yourself together and get all the way out of here.

And its hard to sit across a table from someone who you actually enjoy and like and tell them this. its terrible. awful. 0/10. would never recommend. Ghosting never had me feeling this way.

I didn't offer to be friends because next thing will be friendly visit that'll end in Penis and attempted conversation about me considering what I don't know.

Anyway- that break up put me in a funk.

Coupled with the fact that my office let go of HALF of the staff strength. and tbh I was SHOOK. I've never had concerns about job security ever because I mean I worked in audit and every year we got promoted and then I moved here and it's been pretty stable until this.

So this week had me reeling from the loss of half my co-workers. ( for context we are about 33?); its terrible. I don't think I have survivors guilt but I actually thought I was gonna be okay o, until my office boyfriend told me he quit as well.

and was moving to competition.

absolutely gutted.

Anyway in this mix someone in my network sends me a perfect job description for what I'm tryna do:re exams. and I froze.
Then swung into action, reached out to my friend to do up my CV, and honestly would you believe all my years of pulling all nighters doing audit in hotel rooms, amounted to 4 lines?

4?

smh

Anyway I sent that in today so wish me luck.

I'm lowkey pissed because I was actually in the middle of finally settling into this enjoyment life.
plus my mum is ICAN president next year- if you know me personally reach out to me, she turns 60 next year so you know the party finna be popping! Was also looking forward to all the enjoyment travelling I'd get to do as her hand bag but now because this work thing I'm so unsettled and stuff.

Meh.

We are having a baby dedication for my sisters baby. And my sister insists on dedicating her child at COZA.
I'm sick and I'm not discussing this any further. I think they are all brain washed.
Told my mum to put her foot down and my mum is like- oh I don't want to impose, the child has a father.
I said okay.
So tell me why these people are running after me up and down to come and help them plan the dedication?
I'm like LOL- still helping them sha.
Cant use the vex to boil yam

NOW ONTO SOME FABULOUS NEWS.
well sort of fabulous
1- the divorce is well underway. and you guys don't even know how ecstatic I am.
2- I have a beach get away on Sunday. at 30 i'm going to buy food from a caterer because I couldn't care less to cook it. And I'm not correcting anyone if they assume I cooked it. *shrug*
3- I'm making slow and very steady progress with my studying. I'm so happy ehn.
4- my most recent piercings seem to have FINALLY HEALED. ( i hope I didn't just jinx it)
5- My new nail color is so sublime.
6- I might have a new crush ( lol I know I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww) but this is like the wildest thing because; I liked him then I didn't like him, now I kinda like him? Urgh I think i'm PMSing so all my feelings are up down and everywhere.
7- Got my american visa. *whew* This was my second visa application and let me tell you it was rough.  but got it still so *insert dancing emoji here*


People who are celibate, please tell me how do you continue to practice celibacy with ease, because bruh. I didn't realise how often and how much sex I was having till I stopped.
And also how much condoms and lube I own. Now I'm like give away? LOL

OMG absolutely forgot to mention how I went on a date with this guy, I met and liked and when I asked him what his marital situation was he said "estranged".
So I asked him to wait while I googled the word estranged.
Turns out his marital situation didn't fit any of the descriptions. Before I got divorced, I'd have been very willing to play devils advocate for men like this and be like- maybe it's rough for him at home and he is struggling to consider what to do.
But now that I have put on my big girl pants, anyone who doesn't like their wife and wants to move to me should call lawyer abeg.

On the upside I'm soooo pleased I am on this celibacy track, because ya girl woulda def sampled  her coconut spelling skills on that- for posterity sake.

What else have I not mentioned?
OHHHHH I was gisting my sister this and then- she said, she told God that she'd never marry someone who has been married before.
And I'm like *waves hands* helllooo
and she said- oh you weren't really married.

And I was confused because I'm paying lawyers fees in the middle of a divorce but not really married.
I'm dizzy.

anyway I didn't say anything to her because, I really already know how she feels about people who are in the situation I am in, and I really couldn't care less. Honestly, my sister amuses me a lot. I'd call her my problematic fave, except she really isn't my fave.
LOL

I mean she is my sisterrrrr but abeg.

OMG last thing, because of visa application, my mother caught a glimpse of my payslip.
And her need for me to remarry has now intensified.
Another thing I hate about being an adult is how you can see your parents in full spectrum.
Like before my mother was who my world revolved around because she did everything for me.
and I mean my world still revolves around her, but now its optional orbit.

Like I could stop my orbit whenever I wanted and nothing'll happen.
Also I can see how important marriage is to her. which is interesting because I doubt she'd have been 1/4 as successful as she is now, if she remained married.

anytime I tell her this she says well- you have to have kids, and I said nah not really.
Her latest tactic is scaring me with her friends who married late, didn't marry men because they were black ( and honestly if this isn't valid- i dunno what is), or whatever other scary story she comes up with.
and the more she does it, the more I see a part of her that I find amusing. As a parent it must be rough to have a child you can't control with money. it ,must also be rough to see people going after what they want fully, i think of this when i see her friends who are at peace but my mother insits that they are all pretending and unhappy. because unmarried?

Sometimes, I want to tell her that unhappiness expires, can you imagine being sad at 25 you arent married, then at 30 the same sadness and 15 years later at 45 the same sadness?
I can't.
even me, i've filled my life with so many things that when I get some comments from people i'm positively tickled.


But none the less I am going to rent a boyfriend for her 60th if I don't have one by then because this thing might stress our relationship to a point where it actually breaks and becomes irreparable. Also money is good o. LOL

upside to my money goals, I wanted to save $10k this year.

we are not talking about that.

Also- Afronation for December or nah?
i really wanted to go away maybe i'll add sao tome to that for new years?
just looked through google flights, i need to find a private jet owning boyfriend.
and before you ask if I don't want to own one, imagine your lover owning a jet you can use anytime?




*bliss*

Currently July

Listening
 non stop to this song.

God of your promise,

 you don't speak in vain,

 no syllable empty or void.

Reading

Its a really good book for dealing with difficulties.
I'm currently reading it as I.
very grudgingly read my books for my exams;
 very willingly re-read old love letter emails I sent to the boy I really liked; and
while trying to do away with the spirit of obligation, read my bible. A lot

Writing

My tiny letters. once a month because- honestly I have no reason why I'm not churning them out as fast as I used to. smh

Dodging

(aggresively- if I might add) getting into something exclusive with hercules, he keeps trying to get us exclusive, which tbh is not a problem, it's just like - a problem.


Long story. Cut Short.
He is an absolute great guy, and sweet and kind, BUT when I imagined myself dating anyone else, it wasn't him. and the bible tells me that my expectations shall not be cut short. So you know.

Also kinda helps that I'm trying out celibacy

Trying

out this celibacy thing again. and I'm serious about it, went to Abuja and did not get laid. and honestly dying to flesh everyday is interesting. This time I'm doing it as as a feeler to learning restraint, sexual discipline, and I'm really just looking to see the effect it will have on my spiritual life.

Pruning

my closet. I actually like what I wear these days. It is interesting watching the mix.
I put myself on a clothing budget of N100k a year, and it's july and I'm at 51, and I kinda like the 4-8 pcs of clothes I have bought this year.

Spending

More money than I'd like on my hair. This natural hair movement is an investment- WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME.


and finally.

Enjoying
The hell out of this hot girl summer, that has me reconciling with estranged friends; checking up on my existing friends, and building up the courage to kinda like ask the boy I have a crush on out to drinks?

okay one more thing:

Excited
that my niece is FINALLY COMING HOME.

Update

Still feeling slightly uneven but filled with Joy.

Let me explain.

So post separation, I totally went about my life doing me things and being me.
me being super helpful extending a helping hand where I am and just generally living my life.

Then I caught up with my friend, who had hot takes to dish about my divorce.

*as an aside, the reason I do not enjoy discussing my divorce, with my friends or people close to me is that their takes are so fiercely insensitive, and this is just what it is*

Anyway her hot take was basically how I had done so much that when time came for my partner to step up and pull his weight, he couldn't because he didn't know how as a result of me not giving him room to learn how to do because- I had done so much consistently.

And I'm not sure if she was blaming me, but I know a lot of people blamed and still blame me- and I can live with that. What I didn't understand at the time was that- it's not everybody's hot take you internalize.

And that comment had be re-evaluating my relationships with lots of people and surprise- guess who was always bending back to please people, while on the other end people were doing bare minimum.

Me.

And I was like- oh. this is interesting. tweaked the dynamics a bit and just started doing more me centered stuff.

And I loved it.
Doing me stuff.
But it did not bring me joy.

Instead I found myself biting my tongue instead of offering support to people repeatedly.
and everytime I had to help someone do something, I had a voice in my head- reminding me that the person I am helping will not help me if the roles were reversed.

And nothing makes you more irritated than feeling like you are being taken advantage of especially when you don't even have to help them.


Anyway I finally figured it out.
I had a friend who needed a help with her masters dissertation and I cancelled a date with this boy I met on bumble to stay in and help her, only for her the next day to leave the thing undone to go and see man.

I don't even know what surprised me more- the fact that I was stressed and cancelled this date with someone who kept frantically trying to see me, that he moved all his friends from Vi to lekki and I'm like nah- my girl needs me.
Anyway when she got dressed to go and see man the next day after I gave her my night and free day I was like- Okay I need to really stop pitying people. Like I legit turned down MY own date for YOUR project and you hadn't finished but went to see man.
LOL.

When she messaged me a few days asking me to help her do something else- I just said I was busy.

So now I think, I only extend help to people who have shown that they are serious and are at their wits end.

But that is hardly the case.
For example I do a bit of investing for my my uncle and after this cycle I'm not going to help him anymore because honestly people are just pisstakers.

Anyway back to the story.

My friend hit me up last week about his girl's birthday and I was like hmnn. okay. I was wavering on helping him because tbh I didn't need that kind of smoke. But he was out of town so I was like what do I have to lose?
So we curate gift items, reach out to vendors do back and forth and finally end up at Cake, Spa day, Wine, card and ballons. All in his budget and within the time frame.

And when I finished and told him I was done- I could feel how sincerely grateful he was, and let me tell you my heart wanted to explode with Joy.

I was like- OH???
I have missed this so much.

And I think that feeling is going to stay with me forever.


Now is more interesting less emotionally stressful news:

I AM Going to brazil and I am EXCITEEED.

Now Brazil is such a funny story because it ideally shouldn't have happened but I was like fuck it and somehow made it happen. Listen I am so proud of me right now.

I also haven't told my mum but brazil is really for me.
 I am dying of excitement. Like I am soooo excited because - Rum and Cane juice and finally catching up on GOT before April 14th.

I have finally gotten around to getting my financial targets for the year in order and let me just say that they are not as ambitious as I'd like but given my current salary band- my heart is gladdened.

I feel like if I can hit them by Q2 then I can move them around a bit.

I still haven't gotten my bosses Job EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING IT, and it makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of, but at the same time- I am like I get in at 10 most days and close at 4pm, my customers like me ( to an extent) and my boss can manage with me. I'll survive.


I MET A BOY ON BUMBLE.
But this is a separate post. maybe when I'm in brazil.

So much has happened in the last few months.
Just popping by to say I'm not letting people tell me what to or what not to do anymore with myself.

I don't think yall realise how happy helping my friend out made me.
I didn't even realise it myself.

I am gladdened.

And I have an uber spontaneous holiday planned off the cuff and for the first time in a long time I'm letting someone else take the reins and I'm like.

Also Oyibae- the french boy came into town for a weekend and invited me to Chad- he is finishing up his PHD and asked that I come visit him.  I'm like errr

And I met Hercules's Dad. which is another story that will be a whole ass separate blogpost .

Hope I haven't missed out anything?

update

Between Whole 30, This documentary, The birthday Photoshoot. Work. Writing my Tiny letters and studying for my exams. I don't even know how I have time for dick appointments.

But I do.

We need to be mindful the prayers we say because God hears us and answers us.
Case in point me praying to God to get Hercules out of my life because I needed to study and then boom. He is gone.

Well kinda gone.

Or when I prayed to God to make me more forgiving then I ran into one of my former home girls who acted so irrationally and the next time I saw her I went over to say hey and she blanked my existence; So only naturally when she came to say hi at the party I saw her at, I laughed in her face and told her to get the fuck out of my sight.

Then I prayed to God for a better chance at forgiveness, and then I ran into someone who I had an immense crush on, but pulled out my chair in primary one and I fell down. So when he came over to introduce himself to me, I forgave him instantly. But not without reminding him first.
He was adult enough to accept that it was probably the sort of thing he'd have done in primary school.
We laughed and I took his number.

If my chi is as good as she has been, he'd probably be better sex that my most recent now gone penis.

Funny story about Hercules, last week we were together, and he got sick. Like sick sick, I called E, who is a doctor at like 5 am because he was running a temperature and shivering and I was panicked. I ended up taking the day off work to look after him till he got better, got on my phone and realized that it was my wedding anniversary- got into a funk and I let him think it was because I spent all my free time looking after him.

I know I am a terrible person.

E messaged me to ask- is this still just sex?

I tell her yassssss.

Hercules sort of understands my coping mechanisms and does not ask for too much while bringing me home cooked meals and consistently providing triple A sex game. He is sweet. But will be madness to even consider him for anything more. He has the emotional range of white and blue dunlop slippers.

Back to the anniversary. I am relieved I can finally start divorce proceedings, because for the life of me, I have been unable to even contemplate actually dating someone with this baggage. Everyone says like it's not a big deal, and maybe it isn't but because I'm wired to wrap up one thing before I start another thing. I am really really pleased.

My French Lover moved back to Bordeaux on Saturday. We were out on Friday and we had drinks, well he and my friends did, I drank water and then he got wasted so I sent him home. The next day we had tea at some art gallery and it was very bitter sweet, not the tea, us hanging out.
 He told me about his ex girlfriend who wanted to quit her job and move to be with him in Nigeria and he broke up with her because he didn't like her that much. I shrugged, so he asked me about ex boyfriends.
I told him I do not have exes as I do not date much.
Really?
Yes Really.

We wrap up tea, he takes lots of photos of me, I should have offered to drive him to the airport, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered to spend any more time with him.


A lot of people have started asking if I will consider dating one person exclusively again. I tell them I have no idea. I'm not very impressed with the men I've come across.
Not saying they aren't good. They just are not good enough FOR ME.


Honestly.
If anyone meets men, It's me. my friends can not believe how often I meet them and how much sex I have. But the catch is that, I barely like these men. I know I really should give them a chance to disappoint me first before I write them off completely but abeg. Better the end of a matter, especially when you can already see the end.

On Sunday I finally get around to writing down the 2019 life I want. And for the first time in a long time I allow myself to consider the possibility of  actually getting married again.  And I did not realize this until I referred to my marriage to Eros as my first marriage. Hercules pointed it out to me.

Anyway so I write down what I want and I also include qualities I'd like in a partner. At the top of that list is American passport. The second item is filthy rich.
whatever I already married for love once before.

I dress up and attend my friends wedding on Sunday evening and it is so nice to see everyone  I haven't seen in ages.
And I meet a boy who gives me flowers.
Usually when I meet men I ALREADY KNOW. what I plan to do with them.
Like I can assess if this is a No go for me. if this is a yes to sex situation. But I am never ever feeling like a lets see how it goes. Or willing to go with the flow. ( because only dead fish go with the flow); and also because at almost 30, it'd be madness to go want to see how things go.


Anyway I feel very lets see how it goes about the boy.
I also haven't replied any of his messages.

Today, I got asked out on a date by a writer, who I think will kill to fuck me. But doesn't realize that I'm not being long, I'm just uninterested in all that power play. So I rescheduled till 4 weeks later. He seemed confused. A month? I tell him I'm worth the wait.


My birthday documentary is coming along pretty well. I'm shooting everything on Sunday; the photos and the interviews as well. I'm pretty excited about how that is going to turn out. I have looked forward to 30 for so long its finally here and I might have a bout of destination blues. I mean these damn exams are not allowing me flourish tbh.

Speaking of exams, they are literally a month away and I'm feeling pretty good about them.
I'd be on vacation in January when the results come out anyway so fingers crossed I'd be celebrating for real for real then.

I am at a sweet spot life wise, and I don't know if I should stay where I'm at or get up and go. But go where?

Hmnn.

Looking forward to my holiday in December because I have earned it. Been in Lagos ALL YEAR.