Update

Still feeling slightly uneven but filled with Joy.

Let me explain.

So post separation, I totally went about my life doing me things and being me.
me being super helpful extending a helping hand where I am and just generally living my life.

Then I caught up with my friend, who had hot takes to dish about my divorce.

*as an aside, the reason I do not enjoy discussing my divorce, with my friends or people close to me is that their takes are so fiercely insensitive, and this is just what it is*

Anyway her hot take was basically how I had done so much that when time came for my partner to step up and pull his weight, he couldn't because he didn't know how as a result of me not giving him room to learn how to do because- I had done so much consistently.

And I'm not sure if she was blaming me, but I know a lot of people blamed and still blame me- and I can live with that. What I didn't understand at the time was that- it's not everybody's hot take you internalize.

And that comment had be re-evaluating my relationships with lots of people and surprise- guess who was always bending back to please people, while on the other end people were doing bare minimum.

Me.

And I was like- oh. this is interesting. tweaked the dynamics a bit and just started doing more me centered stuff.

And I loved it.
Doing me stuff.
But it did not bring me joy.

Instead I found myself biting my tongue instead of offering support to people repeatedly.
and everytime I had to help someone do something, I had a voice in my head- reminding me that the person I am helping will not help me if the roles were reversed.

And nothing makes you more irritated than feeling like you are being taken advantage of especially when you don't even have to help them.


Anyway I finally figured it out.
I had a friend who needed a help with her masters dissertation and I cancelled a date with this boy I met on bumble to stay in and help her, only for her the next day to leave the thing undone to go and see man.

I don't even know what surprised me more- the fact that I was stressed and cancelled this date with someone who kept frantically trying to see me, that he moved all his friends from Vi to lekki and I'm like nah- my girl needs me.
Anyway when she got dressed to go and see man the next day after I gave her my night and free day I was like- Okay I need to really stop pitying people. Like I legit turned down MY own date for YOUR project and you hadn't finished but went to see man.
LOL.

When she messaged me a few days asking me to help her do something else- I just said I was busy.

So now I think, I only extend help to people who have shown that they are serious and are at their wits end.

But that is hardly the case.
For example I do a bit of investing for my my uncle and after this cycle I'm not going to help him anymore because honestly people are just pisstakers.

Anyway back to the story.

My friend hit me up last week about his girl's birthday and I was like hmnn. okay. I was wavering on helping him because tbh I didn't need that kind of smoke. But he was out of town so I was like what do I have to lose?
So we curate gift items, reach out to vendors do back and forth and finally end up at Cake, Spa day, Wine, card and ballons. All in his budget and within the time frame.

And when I finished and told him I was done- I could feel how sincerely grateful he was, and let me tell you my heart wanted to explode with Joy.

I was like- OH???
I have missed this so much.

And I think that feeling is going to stay with me forever.


Now is more interesting less emotionally stressful news:

I AM Going to brazil and I am EXCITEEED.

Now Brazil is such a funny story because it ideally shouldn't have happened but I was like fuck it and somehow made it happen. Listen I am so proud of me right now.

I also haven't told my mum but brazil is really for me.
 I am dying of excitement. Like I am soooo excited because - Rum and Cane juice and finally catching up on GOT before April 14th.

I have finally gotten around to getting my financial targets for the year in order and let me just say that they are not as ambitious as I'd like but given my current salary band- my heart is gladdened.

I feel like if I can hit them by Q2 then I can move them around a bit.

I still haven't gotten my bosses Job EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING IT, and it makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of, but at the same time- I am like I get in at 10 most days and close at 4pm, my customers like me ( to an extent) and my boss can manage with me. I'll survive.


I MET A BOY ON BUMBLE.
But this is a separate post. maybe when I'm in brazil.

So much has happened in the last few months.
Just popping by to say I'm not letting people tell me what to or what not to do anymore with myself.

I don't think yall realise how happy helping my friend out made me.
I didn't even realise it myself.

I am gladdened.

And I have an uber spontaneous holiday planned off the cuff and for the first time in a long time I'm letting someone else take the reins and I'm like.

Also Oyibae- the french boy came into town for a weekend and invited me to Chad- he is finishing up his PHD and asked that I come visit him.  I'm like errr

And I met Hercules's Dad. which is another story that will be a whole ass separate blogpost .

Hope I haven't missed out anything?