Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Ninety Nine truths.

1. Last drink: Water
2. Last phone call: Mercy- Co worker
3. Last text message: Debo
4. Last song you listened to: Goody Bag – the prince
5. Last time you cried: Sunday- Getting my braids done
SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Nope
7. Been cheated on: YASSSSS
8. Kissed someone: Yes.
9. Lost someone special: Yes
10. Been depressed: Yes.
11. Been drunk and threw up: Nope- No vomiting for this princess
LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. Purple
13. Yellow
14. Black
15. Red
HAVE YOU:
16. Made new friends:  Yes
17. Fallen out of love: Yes
18. Laughed until you cried: Yes- Every time I’m with some friends.
19. Met someone who changed you: Yes
20. Found out who your true friends were: YASSSSSSSS.
21. Found out someone was talking about you: Every day. Every DAMN day.  I’m just like *yawn* now.
22. Kissed anyone on your friends list: Nope
23. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Maybe 3-4?
25. Do you have any pets: NO.
26. Do you want to change your name:  No- But that time styl-plus’s Olufunmi came out- I was dyingggg to be funmi. Ps- If you know any musicians please write and perform a song with my name. Thanks
27. What did you do for your last birthday: Hosted my friends. Baked my cake from scratch too.
28. What time did you wake up today:  6:30am, then 6:39, then 6:44am
29. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping
30. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Turn 30. HELLO FABULOUS- I have the belief in my head that I would automatically morph into a fabulous heel wearing, designer purse wielding, toy boy indulging, sexually liberated person once I turn 30. [ although I think I am pretty close- Minus the toy boy bit- LOL]
31. Last time you saw your father:  Can not remember
32. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life:  I wish I took my pole dancing classes more seriously. And I want to be a travel correspondent for a life style tv station/ magazine. – Dear Universe….
33. What are you listening to right now: Nothing
34. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom:  No
35. What’s getting on your nerves right now?: My Manager
36. Most visited webpage: Twitter.com
37. Current city: Lagos, Nigeria
38. Nicknames: Ore- Carrot [ cringe]
39. Relationship Status:  It is complicated/ in a Situation-ship/ Someone might get mad at seeing that/ urgh
40. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
41. Male or female or transgendered: Female
42. Primary School: Corona Apapa
43. Middle School:
44. High school: Queen's college Yaba [ QCOG over here]
45. Hair color:  1B
46. Long/medium/short: Long
47. Height: 6’00
48. Do you have a crush on someone:  All day every day
49: What do you like about yourself: I believe my hype
50. Piercings: Ears
51. Tattoos: None
52. Righty or Lefty: Right handed
FIRSTS:
53. First Surgery: Left knee- partially dislocated patella- And I still walk with a slight limp [ Thank you Igbobi]
54. First Piercing: Ears
55. First Best Friend: Chioma? I think- I have been unfortunate with bestfriends.
56. First Sport you Joined:  None.
57. First Pet: None
58. First Vacation: Landin Town
59. First Concert: Never been- Except for that MI one[ which really shouldn’t count]
60. First Crush: NELLYYYYYYY. – And now that Ashanti is out of the picture, who knows?
RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating: Nothing
62. Drinking:  Water- Melon. LOL jk, just water.
63. Already missing:  Ijay.
64. I’m about to:  Finish this report, and go online shopping
65. Listening to: Workers stocking in my client site
66. Thinking about:  how I’m gonna watch lekki wives when I get home today
67. Waiting for:  my USX shopping order to arrive!

YOUR FUTURE:
68. Want kids: YASSSSSSS
69. Want to get married: Eventually, I guess
70. Careers in mind:  Travel correspondent. Social commentator/ writer.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
71. Lips or eyes: Eyes- Windows to the soul and allllll that jazz.
72. Hugs or kisses: Kisses and Hugs too
73. Shorter or taller: Taller. Def taller.
74. Older or Younger: Older in terms of just meeting
75. Romantic or spontaneous: Spontaneous
76. Nice stomach or nice arms: Stomach
77. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive, I’m loud enough for 10.
78. Hook-up or relationship:  Not everytime relationship- sometimes, Random hook up!
79. Trouble maker or hesitant:  Trouble makerrrrrr
HAVE YOU EVER:
81. Drank hard liquor: Yes
82. Lost glasses/contacts: Sunglasses- ALL THE TIME.
83. Kissed on 1st date: Yes
84: Broken someone’s heart: Yes. Look, It happens.
85. Had your own heart broken: Only to a million tiny pieces.
86. Been arrested: Nope
87. Turned someone down: All day everyday and twice on Sundays.
88. Cried when someone died: Yes.
89. Liked a friend that is of the same sex:  huh?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
90. Yourself: A bit too much actually.
91. Miracles: Yassss
92. Love at first sight: Lust and and Fireworks.  Yes. Love nah.
93. Heaven: Yesssssss
94. Santa Claus: Nope
95. Kissing on the first date: I believe if you want to- then go for it.
96. Angels: Yes- what else is my mummy?
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
97. Is there one person you want to be with right now?: Yesssss
98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?: No- Hello? HIV and stuff.
99. Wish you could change things in your past?: Only how unserious I was in Uni.

100. Are you posting this as 100 Truths?:  Yes. Well except for one question. So 99 Truths then.

Advances

I do not know if any one can actually ever tell from here,

But I am so socially awkward.

In terms of meeting men.

Feel's like I started out waay to early- got into a long ass relationship AND  just fell off.

So now that I have to entertain toasters- It freaks me out just a little bit.


Anyways over the longggg weekend, My friend suggested I journey all the way to surulere in the rain

to get my laundry done.

[ side bar- I need a personal assistant, because works takes all of my living moments].

Anyway, So I packed my laundry of four weeks[ Clearly One has waaay too many clothes].

And headed to the laundromart in Suru-lere.

So I got there and there was a long queue.

So I waited. And waited and eventually asides a little drama, my turn came and I popped my clothes into the machine.

A young man came up to me to talk to me and it was the most uncomfortable thing ever.

Because I have decided not to entertain time wasters - and Because I have waaay too many number saved on my phone in dodgy variations of "DontPick", "No news", Old News" and one "Ferrari- different story".

I generally just collect the numbers and never call.

But this young man was adamant-  SO DAMN PERSISTENT.

Coupled with the fact that I did not want to be rude and shut him down like I would have if I was on the Island- No shade to the mainlanders, But y'all know that the Toasting MO is different and I wasn't ready to chop slap from one omo surulere.

I was just jejely blushing and saying thank you to all his compliments while moving back everytime he attempted to invade my personal space- Because Ebola, Not that I am rude.

Luckily for me, my friend showed up after making me wait for 2 hours and then we ran away to buy Ice- cream from cold stone- HELLO JEDI JEDI IN A CUP.

The ice-cream at cold stone is so full of indulgence. In a good way off course.

Anyway I came back to get my laundry and my " Toaster" was waiting for me.

Eventually he left but not before giving the lady at the front desk a note for me with his number, the prettiest illegible handwriting and the worst abbreviations ever[ because I have a thing for perfect vocabulary].

When I got the note- my friend- who must be a demon.

Looked at it. hissed. ripped it up and told the front desk girl in verbatim- If they sent you, tell them you did not see us at home.

A little bit of me always feels bad when I have to turn down someone's advances.

Because I am a go-getter and I put myself out there a lot. [ Although I have learnt not to take rejection personal]


Bottom line is this- Is there any decent way to just say no to young men without coming off as offensive.

It might not seem like it- BUT I hate being rude/ or lacing men with an attitude just because they want to "get to know me better".

I also hate women who are rude to men that toast them.

However, there are exceptions- YORUBA BOYS.

Curve them all you want. I do not care- According to my friend [ friend used loosely here]

Ore can not tuck in her disdain for Yoruba boys.

To be honest. I can, but they just rub me the wrong way.

This post is getting long so I wont tell you guys what happened to me at the event I attened over the weekend.

But how have you guys been?

Work has been slaying me so badly. I can not believe I am saying this BUT I want to go to Abuja man.

I need a break.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

On sexes

When my mother was pregnant for me,
She wanted a boy.

So much that in faith, she stocked up on baby boy clothes.

Fastforward to when I was born a girl- she then put me in these clothes for a while [ probably till I outgrew them].

Till date I have stories from uncles [ who must think the stories are cute] who remind me how in 1990, they came to my house and asked my mother [ because I apprently got my ears pierced late and was always in boy clothes] if I was a boy. To which I would petulantly retort- I am a girlllll.


I feel like God might have answered my mother's prayers on a level.

Sometimes, I think I am supposed to be male. because apparently- I have an Ego to match.

Among other things.

Including but not limited to

- My fierce ambition and my need to succeed.

- My "supposed' inability to forgive and forget

- the tendency to throw cash at all my "emotional" problems

And my unwillingness in stooping to conquer.

Maybe I came into myself late or I suffer from an acute case of middle child syndrome BUT I can not be the only one who finds it strange that the above traits are some how only exclusive to men.

I do not know where the notion of women being forgivers stems from from I kind of missed it in my dna make up as a woman.

I struggle with forgiveness.

I hate unambitious people AND I hate people who have a problem with cash being a solution.

Look,

In trying to understand my make up, I checked my horoscope.

Viola!
All my masculine traits apparently stem from the fact that I am a scorpio.

Except- I do not really think I am an immensely jealous lover. or that I am emotionally intense with  etc etc.

Read the rest here

I was not satsified as so I probed deeper.

The chinese horoscope makes use of your birth date, month and year.

I would not even bother but they were quite similar.  read here too

So after much contemplation. Maybe I am a man stuck in a woman's body?

Or maybe I am just someone who runs a tight ship in control of her destiny?

OR maybe I am every woman, who is yet to learn how to employ coy-ness in their everyday dealings?

I do not know, and honestly I am tired of people talking about my ego.

After all, I am hardly Kanye West.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Re- Invented sex.

Last night, for some weird reason- which isn't really weird because, I am at that point in my life where my female friends and I have morphed into the cast of Sex and the City lagos chapter, without all the random one night stands but with enough stories to make your eyes bleed but I digress-we were talking about sex.

One of my girls has this problem where having sex with condoms, dry her out- BUT with this one guy, for some reason it did not. She hadn't spoken to him in a hot minute - aka forever- So she was wondering what was the appropriate way to go about asking him for his choicest condom brand without having him think the gates had been opened to him again.

We laughed at her predicament and I suggested Lube, or to man up ( yes I realize the irony) and just call him and casually ask about it, no biggie. Like hey you remember the time we were kicking it? I need the name of the brand of condoms we used. Finish.

They all said I was crazy.

One thing lead to another and we started discussing celebrities that we assume - by way of what their hollywood esque behaviour is ( I know that our assumptions are likely to be inaccurate but whatever)- would be great in bed.

DRUM ROLL PLEASE.

In the Triumvirate of great Hollywood sex we have

1- Lenny Kravitz
2- Miguel
3- Jamie Foxx.

Lenny Kravitz has those eyes that see through your soul and you just want to take it off all for him. Yes. Just Yes to Lenny. we argued about him being on this list a lot because, I mean, he is 50 years old. and lives on an island in the bahamas- so I figure all these Island hoes have taught him a thing or two.

Miguel wasn't really a fan of him. because I assumed he was lesbian( yes I know he is male) but he just rubbed me the wrong way, TILL I saw that back shot of him rubbing his super hot girl friends ass during that red carpet interview. My home girl brought up the issue of him demonstrating at the stoklhom concert. and after we ooh'd and ahh'd about the video, we collectively agreed. AGREED  unanimously that his sex game is gold. - note we never agree unanimously.

Jamie Foxx is that Older guy that is just not your mate and is a veteran sexer. and is sultry. and is going to do what he wants to your body without your permission because you know what? - You want it and You'll like it and he is jamie foxx. We are here for that.

Next is the couple is assume is having the best sex in holly wood

Kanye west and Amber rose
We assume that these two were having the kind of sex porn has taught us is unobtainable in an  actual monogamous relationship which is why we - agreed again- that even though we hate them, we have to give it to them. Kanye is an abosolute monster beast- as evidenced by his rants, and I'm sure he pulled all amber's hair out now she is bald because = Good sex. [ Yes I am aware amber met him bald- i think]


The penultimate worst sex would be P-diddy/ Puff daddy/Sean Combs/ whatever the hell is goes by.

Diddy strikes us as one of those men who would lie on their backs, with sunglasses [ knowing Diddy, he probably has his grills on and a tooth pick in his mouth] with a smirk on his face that just screams - IMPRESS ME.

We collectively had all unfortunately encountered a Diddy before, so we were only to happy to slap him on here. He was actually going to be the worst sex but then....

The worst sex is.........................................
DRUM ROLL [please]

.................................................................

Mr Trey "trigga/ the neighbors know my name/I invented and re-invented sex" Songz.

Look we all know trey is all mouth and  NO DAMN ACTION.
It's the only logical reason why anyone would be delusional enough to think they re-invented sex.

Trey is that nigga that would text you, sext you, send you nude pictures, get you all hot and bothered and then somehow manage to not just " fail to deliver" but he would " under deliver"

I think his slogan should be " Mr Trey - I over promise, but I have no idea how to deliver"

We did not agree on that slogan- we however agreed that- his head game is probably a mess and a half.



Sooo who did we miss out?

Chris brown seemed like decent sex. Usher- amazing sex but lacking that certain "je ne sais quoi" to cross him over to the winning side permanently. must be all the divorce proceedings messing with his sex game.


ps- This conversation was not alcohol induced
pss- This is a really civil version of the actual conversation.
psss- if any one comes here to say rubbish- block  block block. Okay?


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Gems

Once or twice in a month, I come across gems in the comment section of the various blogs I frequent while I should be working.

Today was one of those days.

The post here talks about black women and the scarves in america and how soon can you let a man see it and  etc etc etc.

Anyways this comment- I love it.

It's really not all that serious for you to "bite". "The Craft" is anything to make your woman feel good whether that be your rapport, some flowers, a tasty meal, a massage, that stroke or that head game. A lot of women I date are *always* self-conscious, but there is really nothing more beautiful than a woman the moment she forgets she's supposed to act, look, or feel a certain way.


Thursday, July 3, 2014

In Retrospect

I do take my friendships/ relationships quite seriously. for a long time, such a long time, I assumed I cut people off because I was mean and unable to be civil to them after they hurt me.


I recently realized, I do not have the capacity to pretend to people.

It is the strangest thing, while I will see you and greet you, I would not pretend that you did not hurt me. And that all is well in Lala land.

Some of us- me- finds it hard to let go of slights. It is how I am, along with being generous, sarcastic and always classy.

That being said- I'm not always classy.

Work has been a bitch all week coupled with the fact that I can not even get a break with a massage as, I have a fungi skin infection- Dear enemies, I see you. But God is bigger than you.

going to greece and seeing how simple the life there was, made me so ashamed of my incessant need to go shopping.

So while I am not completely stopping, I am getting over clothes. sadly channelling in this need to buy towards products. facial products.

I do not know if I mentioned this but along with life lessons, I got sun burnt in greece, really badly.

Would probably take me 3-4 hammam sessions- which I can not have because skin infection. urgh.

Someone told me, he was happy I was in his corner.

I like when people lean on me for all kinds of support, usually emotional but damn, I'm finding that people tend to bring only one bit of themselves- I especially.

And I am beginning to make a conscious effort to bring myself whole to people.

So for example, if you met me and I was comforting someone, I would do my utmost best to ensure you keep seeing me in that light.

And so on and so forth but not anymore.

Now I am bringing all my light into your livesssss.

Also, I know I say this alot BUT I really am obsessed with love irrespective of the form in which it comes.

That bring said, I was talking to my friend E- and I was telling her how much I missed being in love. not a relationship.

But just the actual immersion of myself totally into someone else.

I do not miss it as much as I miss drinking moscato tho. But I miss it.

And I miss simultaneous massages and sex afterwards.

[ps- I swear the spa's have planted camera's in those rooms to watch couples have sex afterwards]

I was also telling my friend E, how I sometimes, feel like my self sufficiency is going to drive away all the people who I never let do things for me.

But I am so used to being screwed over from delegating that I'd rather just do my shit myself.


Two of my nails broke., you guys know how that shit depresses me. Like I cant think straight when my nails are in shambles.

Also my hair is breaking.

Again dear enemies- God big pass una.

I am really excited about how fast this year is flying.

ANDDDDDDD I bought myself a rubix cube.I have been dying to buy one and learn how to work it forever.

Then create youtube videos on solving them in 20 seconds wih my hands behind my back and all that jazz.

My friends always accuse me of self washing.

I tell them and anyone who wants to know that self washing keeps me clean.

I miss all the compliments I got in greece.

Men compliment your ladies more.

Ladiessssssssss receive compliments more gracefully.

Okay. I think I am done here.

Have an amazing weekend everyone and remember to keep it classy. Always. OK most times.

ps- as always I did not proof read, all grammatical errors are mine.



Reckless

Went to my friend's brother's wedding on Saturday evening. No biggie, I'm settling into my seat but then my friend starts to i...