Today

Today is strange

I am currently at my desk typing this.

But I have been to the cemetery this morning.
I have watched a coffin that contained a friend into the ground while I raised my voice and sang Amazing grace with the the 20 other people  who came. Wearing t shirts with her face on them.

And let me tell you, there is a finality that hits you when you see someone being lowered into the ground.

I do not process grief like most people so this is particularly difficult for me.

I have a party tomorrow for my 30th birthday and I pray this cloud passes over because.

I am over it already.

Need to buy drinks and ice for my party tomorrow. but asides that I think I have everything on lock down.

update

Between Whole 30, This documentary, The birthday Photoshoot. Work. Writing my Tiny letters and studying for my exams. I don't even know how I have time for dick appointments.

But I do.

We need to be mindful the prayers we say because God hears us and answers us.
Case in point me praying to God to get Hercules out of my life because I needed to study and then boom. He is gone.

Well kinda gone.

Or when I prayed to God to make me more forgiving then I ran into one of my former home girls who acted so irrationally and the next time I saw her I went over to say hey and she blanked my existence; So only naturally when she came to say hi at the party I saw her at, I laughed in her face and told her to get the fuck out of my sight.

Then I prayed to God for a better chance at forgiveness, and then I ran into someone who I had an immense crush on, but pulled out my chair in primary one and I fell down. So when he came over to introduce himself to me, I forgave him instantly. But not without reminding him first.
He was adult enough to accept that it was probably the sort of thing he'd have done in primary school.
We laughed and I took his number.

If my chi is as good as she has been, he'd probably be better sex that my most recent now gone penis.

Funny story about Hercules, last week we were together, and he got sick. Like sick sick, I called E, who is a doctor at like 5 am because he was running a temperature and shivering and I was panicked. I ended up taking the day off work to look after him till he got better, got on my phone and realized that it was my wedding anniversary- got into a funk and I let him think it was because I spent all my free time looking after him.

I know I am a terrible person.

E messaged me to ask- is this still just sex?

I tell her yassssss.

Hercules sort of understands my coping mechanisms and does not ask for too much while bringing me home cooked meals and consistently providing triple A sex game. He is sweet. But will be madness to even consider him for anything more. He has the emotional range of white and blue dunlop slippers.

Back to the anniversary. I am relieved I can finally start divorce proceedings, because for the life of me, I have been unable to even contemplate actually dating someone with this baggage. Everyone says like it's not a big deal, and maybe it isn't but because I'm wired to wrap up one thing before I start another thing. I am really really pleased.

My French Lover moved back to Bordeaux on Saturday. We were out on Friday and we had drinks, well he and my friends did, I drank water and then he got wasted so I sent him home. The next day we had tea at some art gallery and it was very bitter sweet, not the tea, us hanging out.
 He told me about his ex girlfriend who wanted to quit her job and move to be with him in Nigeria and he broke up with her because he didn't like her that much. I shrugged, so he asked me about ex boyfriends.
I told him I do not have exes as I do not date much.
Really?
Yes Really.

We wrap up tea, he takes lots of photos of me, I should have offered to drive him to the airport, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered to spend any more time with him.


A lot of people have started asking if I will consider dating one person exclusively again. I tell them I have no idea. I'm not very impressed with the men I've come across.
Not saying they aren't good. They just are not good enough FOR ME.


Honestly.
If anyone meets men, It's me. my friends can not believe how often I meet them and how much sex I have. But the catch is that, I barely like these men. I know I really should give them a chance to disappoint me first before I write them off completely but abeg. Better the end of a matter, especially when you can already see the end.

On Sunday I finally get around to writing down the 2019 life I want. And for the first time in a long time I allow myself to consider the possibility of  actually getting married again.  And I did not realize this until I referred to my marriage to Eros as my first marriage. Hercules pointed it out to me.

Anyway so I write down what I want and I also include qualities I'd like in a partner. At the top of that list is American passport. The second item is filthy rich.
whatever I already married for love once before.

I dress up and attend my friends wedding on Sunday evening and it is so nice to see everyone  I haven't seen in ages.
And I meet a boy who gives me flowers.
Usually when I meet men I ALREADY KNOW. what I plan to do with them.
Like I can assess if this is a No go for me. if this is a yes to sex situation. But I am never ever feeling like a lets see how it goes. Or willing to go with the flow. ( because only dead fish go with the flow); and also because at almost 30, it'd be madness to go want to see how things go.


Anyway I feel very lets see how it goes about the boy.
I also haven't replied any of his messages.

Today, I got asked out on a date by a writer, who I think will kill to fuck me. But doesn't realize that I'm not being long, I'm just uninterested in all that power play. So I rescheduled till 4 weeks later. He seemed confused. A month? I tell him I'm worth the wait.


My birthday documentary is coming along pretty well. I'm shooting everything on Sunday; the photos and the interviews as well. I'm pretty excited about how that is going to turn out. I have looked forward to 30 for so long its finally here and I might have a bout of destination blues. I mean these damn exams are not allowing me flourish tbh.

Speaking of exams, they are literally a month away and I'm feeling pretty good about them.
I'd be on vacation in January when the results come out anyway so fingers crossed I'd be celebrating for real for real then.

I am at a sweet spot life wise, and I don't know if I should stay where I'm at or get up and go. But go where?

Hmnn.

Looking forward to my holiday in December because I have earned it. Been in Lagos ALL YEAR.

Be careful what you wish for

Remember how I said I wanted to travel this year.

God heard me and took me literally.

Thats all I'm going to say.

I had been feeling a bit off lately. Slowly hatingmy job ( gasp I know)

And what not.

Then I went to church on sunday and the holy spirit arrested me.

Literally.

Spoke about all the horrid things I was doing( all my totally undeserved days off and the likes)

And most importantly growing where you are planted.

I do not know If I had mentioned this ever- But when I went to do my MSc, one of the conditions I gave myself, My mother and all related stake holders was that- I would ONLY do one year when I move back at my old job- I also need to point out that I am yet to fill out ONE single application even though I had crossed the threshold.

Anyway fast forward to one year being of being at work ( or as I like to call it 5 holidays later #humblebrag)

And I was over it.

Anyways I'm back on it. and I was so super productive yesterday> I loved it.

I'm also planning a retirement party for one of my Managers. It is lowkey weird how I am logistics correspondence for my sector at work.

I love it.

I plan to make a more concerted effort at keeping in touch with old friends.

I am so excited. About what- I do not know, BUT I am quivering with excitement.

I want to go to dxb to look for a dress and pick out my wedding band.

Although I already have one- I want another one.

#colormegreedy

I am in such an amazing mood.
OMG I think someone in my office has the most obscene crush on me.

It is the cutest and equally irresponsible thing.

ha ha ha.

The oddest thing for me regarding hitching my wagon to one person is having to deal with all these other men.

It is so weird.

I went to the Lagos make up fair over the weekend.

Nigerian make up artistes over feel themselves.

Ahn ahn.

Uncle do you see me giving potential clients attitude?

No- Please be nice to potential customers. I am petty enough to pick my MUA ( in Itunu's voice) based soley on the fact that the person is nice to me.

I like to think I am beaut and so- NO need for excess face painting.

My friend Demilade Roberts also opened up his photo studio!

Super exciting for me because I really really really like when my friends are doing well.

I went by to get some head shots but forgot to wear a bra.

side bar- Can we talk about how my boobs woke up one day and decided to be D cups?

Like HELLOOOO. BREASTICLES - You are supposed to allow me flourish on days when I dont want to wear a bra- Not swinging around like pendulum. * urgh*

Anyways my head shots are useless because  I am unable to use them to stunt on the gram because my twins were just doing anyhow.

But the photos were ace tho #m3lanineonfleek :)


My nails are looking hella lavish after the horrible scene from Vegas.

I think I will refer to my nail length as BV and AV. ( before Vegas and After Vegas)

I noticed a lot of bloggers ( who write because- not them awon linda)  aren't blogging as much any more ( Myself inclusive); Is it because of trying to monitize?

I dunno o. either way Its sad, You people should update me on your lives dammit. It is the only way I know what you are up to.

One of my bestest friends who is male (Yall can guess who, names starts with D) got engaged.

I was so deliriously happy. Because now we are on the same page and discuss marriage shit and ring styles all damn day!

hahaha!

I met D ( who is really Debo) so stop stressing about guessing who over 5 years ago and he quickly became a staple in my life.

I always yack about not having friends; or having bad friends but again #colormegreedy

when in truth I have been quite luckily re- friendship. I mean I lost a few to pettiness. ( mine and thiers) and some to loyalty to other parties ( I fancy myself a queen- off with their heads!),

I mean I have friends from work that have moved on but we still keep in touch and I have been unable to make new friends from work ever since ( color me resistant to change and adjustments) ha

Ps- coworkers used to call us "black berry babes"

Urgh- Do you not just hate Nigerian co workers?

Anyway just an update because I find that you guys need to know what I have been up to.

Finally; I was facetiming my aunt who asked where I was and I said casually oh I am at F's house.

side bar, Can we generally agree on what to refer to my future husband as? I'm leaning towards Eros?

can we do that?
Yes we can!

So I told her I was at Eros's house and she said ahn, she was wondering because it did not look like my house.

So I showed her my make shift closet  and she squealed- She could not believe that I brazenly moved in. and then she said the funniest most innappropriate thing.

She said- It is always good to try before you buy.

That anytime she goes to the store and does not try on clothes she buys- she always returns them.

Me- * dumbfounded*

Are your aunties supposed to suggest pre-marital sex?

Or is it only my family that is that grossly inappropriate?

Boycott

In my bid to lose some weight, I decided to boycott some things.

A. RICE- Forget what you heard. Rice is the enemy.
B. LATE NIGHT EATING- No more eating after six.
C. THE LOVER- He is the king of late night eating.
D. SODA- AKA soft drinks/ minerals.
E. MALT- Malt is my liquid kryptonite

And all of this was spurned by the epiphany I had while sitting in that unsanitary Elegushi beach last night.

I attended a wedding over the weekend with my mother.
Some woman ( My mother's co-workers wife) walked up to us and asked if I was her daughter.
She said yes.
The woman said and I quote verbatim " We should be In-laws".

Probably the 3rd marriage proposal I got this weekend.

First was at the club on friday night.

This one nigga- grabbed me and asked for my ring size, on a bended knee.

The other proposal came on sunday- at elegushi.

While Im on the issue of male attention- I was at the gym on sunday, some wretched Senator sent his aide to come and get my number.
Irritated doesn't even begin to cover how disgusted I felt. Including the fact that my body was betraying me by being so lazy.

*makes mental note to visit the gym more frequently*

or at least till after Nengi's wedding.

Femi is gone. While there isn't a gaping hole in my heart. He was around for too short a period.

I miss him to tiny fucking bits! * insert heart wrenching sobs here*

But he gave me the most delicious pair of sunglasses.

For the 1st time, I was reluctant to take them. - AND I AM NEVER RELUCTANT TO TAKE ANYTHING!!!!

Today started off on a beautiful note- Bottle of flower bomb from the mother.
Still undecided about the scent yet. Clearly the universe is not interested in my life long aim to have a particular scent( Chanel chance- incase some one wants to be led by the spirit). Because even the lover who I have told, hinted( subtly and not so subtly) still wont conform.

well free perfume is always welcome on my table.

Sister's birthday was over the weekend. It was a good affair.

I'm starving. I can not wait to get home and eat some more chicken gizzard stir fry.

Ps- I  want healthy food options.- Moi moi and stir fry daily will probably constitute a deficiency.
Pss- My Birthday is coming- I'm thinking about a destination birthday. Gambia?

I need to start saving. I also want to go to dubai. *makes mental note to find travelling friends*

I believe a majority of my life's purpose is to be a world traveller at the expense of a rich significant other.

This makes the occupations I should be considering extremely limited ( they include but are not limited to- House wife, kept woman) actually they are limited to those two.

Im at a happy place in my life right now- Busy season at work is over.

What has been up with you people????

just thought to share this.

as usual while im at work and looking at countless excel sheet of numbers doing my head in.

ok thats a lie, today ive only looked at one.

i was also surfing the web. this is what i found.

"If you let it, perfectionism will rob you of peace, plus the joy of whatever you’ve accomplished so far. The sportswear manufacturer Fila took out a full-page ad in a newspaper to honour its NBA All-Star spokesman, Grant Hill, and, at the same time, take a swipe at the pressure young people feel today to be perfect. The ad pictures Hill surrounded by this text: ‘This year Grant Hill led his team in scoring, rebounding, assists and steals, led his team back into the playoffs, led the league in All-Star balloting, earned a place on the Olympic team, didn’t punch an official, didn’t demand a contract extension, was never tardy, was always cordial, didn’t dump his high school friends, listened to his mother, remembered the doorman at Christmas, made his bed daily, promised to take shorter showers in an effort to conserve water, got plenty of sleep, didn’t hurt a fly, organised his thoughts, chose paper over plastic, appeared fully clothed in interviews, improved his vocabulary, counted his blessings, said nice things about his teammates, fed coins into other people’s parking meters, kept his thermostat at sixty-eight, practised what he preached, actually paid attention to the stewardess’s emergency flight instructions, donated a kidney – and vowed to do better next year.’ Now, let’s get serious. There will always be areas of your life that need improvement; you will never ‘arrive’. But that doesn’t mean you can’t stop and savour the moment, or celebrate the miles already covered and say to yourself, ‘I’m not all that I should be, but I’m better than I used to be. I’m all right, and I’m on my way.’"

As i turn a year older this year. i say to myself. im not all that i should be, but im waaay better than i used to be. Im VERY alright, and im on my way to becoming who i am going to be.

I get Uber emo when my birthday comes around. *sniff*

Im also a reformed cry baby.