Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Priority shopping

I love to shop.

Shopping is my cardio. I could window shop for dayssss and forget to eat.

Basically after oxygen- is shopping.

Fastforward to moving back home and no stores in my price range to actually buy the things I like.

I also am yet to see things that make my heart race.

Nigerian designers you need to do better.

Anyways- Soooo since I decided to write ACCA, It occurred to me that I might need to slow down my shopping.

Only after I had done a mini spree on VL. :)

And Asos.

and House of fraser.

Im just like- OMGGGGGGGGGG.

I'm screwed.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

On gifting.

Because my love language is split evenly between quality time and gift giving.

I automatically buy presents and give cash and give things out rather easily to the people I like.

A new group I just started super spoiling- My male "platonic" friends.

I put platonic in air quotes because people seem to think they do not exist.

But they do.

Even though they still try ( But I have stopped blaming them for that wretched behavior- Male DNA and stoffs)

Anyway I noticed that everytime I do or attempt to do something for my male friends, they are waaaay to excited.

And I'm like I do the same for my female friends, and they dont bat an eyelid?

Are the men in our generation ( or men generally) so used to being on the giving side that being on the receiving end is so foreign.

And it is shameful because they become like excited puppies. And I'm like can you calm yo tiddays nigga?

That is neither here or there- Just making general observation.

Something that is totally freaking me out is this whole kidnapping thing in Borno.

Because I went to boarding school I understand how freaking ridiculous it must be to wake up and someone comes to carry you away. Like just grab 200 girls and vanish.

And no one can find the girls.

Then today- reports that they (BH) sold the girls for N2000?

And when the military was informed- they dilly dallied. Like

What is going on?

Why? how is that even logically possible?

How?


Saturday, April 26, 2014

On friendships

I have a few friends, and they try for me.

Alot.

But today my friend and I were talking (because I love her, I would not say her name)

But she is very good looking.

F: So how are you and hows your man life?

Me: I'm fine. sober and earning my daily bread

F: Still in Abuja.

Me: unfortunately, I need a job to eat.

F: I asked about your man life.

Me: Oh you know- celibate and shit.

F: wait. You are sober, celibate and in Paid employment

Me: You make it sound bad when you say it like that.

F: But it is bad. and you are mad. As a doctor, I should tell you, you can do only 1 of the three.

Me: Why would no one support my need to be sober.

F: Because you have no need to be sober.

Me:  I'm trying to make heaven

F: LOL, I doubt moscato will keep you out. I suggest you get a drink, dick holders and keep your job.

Me: girl bye.

My friends as I said, are amazing, they give the best advice and they cater to my every single whim.

So thank you for your sound advice that I wont be taking.

Also my friend cooked me dinner tonight. So Ani bobo, Thank you, you are a star. the brightest.

But you get your light from me so you kind of have no choice.

Thankful all around.

I also had the most amusing night of innuendo's and conversation.

I'd hate to say it but I think Abuja is warming up to me.

Friday, April 25, 2014

A thirty before thirty

I'm thinking of a thirty before thirty bucket list since I am going to be turning thirty in 5 years.

OMG I am on the other side of my twentiesssssssss.

I do not feel a day older than 23. Honestly it feels like I feel into a time wrap with sharwama and thats why I gained all this weight.

But I can pass for 23, and I feel 23.

When ever. No, if ever, I start that list, boycott Virgos Lounge will be on it.

While I do not currently own a piece because- their stock is the purest of pure water when it comes to clothes in Nigeria.

I went to their site and found that they had some sale thing going on.

Andddddd they even had free delivery but wait for it.....................................

Wont accept Nigerian cards.

This is not a problem- except both my Londre's cards are maxed out.

Y'all need to stop judging me and my shopping habits.

And so I went to bed seething and fuming and thinking of ways to boycott VL.

Today it just occurred to me that I could

a- Put some money in my card and pay ( aka stop being such a patriotic bitch)
b- STFU about it and get on with my life ( because tbh I do not need the clothes)
c- Just buy the clothes and stop whining.

I hate when things do not go my way- even more than that. I hate whiners.

I hate that VL is turning me into a whiner.

I want to go home abeg.

My manager popped in and said- I would not be leaving Abuja any time soon.

* pout*

In defiance I wore a pair of white jeans to work today.

which in retrospect I shouldn't have because
1- I am wearing very dark lips
2- Abuja cabs said they would shrivel and die if they are clean.

I hope everyone has an eventful weekend and consumes large copious amounts of small chops.

I am currently trying to line up all the stuff I plan to do this weekend

which involve,1 nothing. 2 nothing and 3 NOT A DAMN THING.

I have missed just waking up and doing nothing.

Nigeria and paid employment finds a way to take those little joys away.

I do realize how much rambling I'm doing. but yah.


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Child abuse and Poor life choices.

Let me start of by saying I woke up feeling amazing this morning.

Even with a little over 3 hours of sleep.

This young woman stayed up till 2am listening to no rubber and drifting in and out of sleep.

On child abuse

When I was 12 I was diagnosed with an illness that no one knew. from hospital to hospital my mother took me, scared that she might loose me. Peppered with prayers and recommendations, I ended up at a decent hospital in Ebute-metta where I was treated with an unhealthy amount of Feldene and broad spectrum antibiotics. Fortunately this worked and i got better. unfortunately, my doctor whose name I can not recall ( although I feel like if I searched the recess of my mind, would pop up some where) was a pervert.

One evening before he left, he stopped by my bed and drew the curtain and started a little tete a tete.
He asked about my parents, my school work my siblings and ended up paying a lot of attention to the fact that I "honestly"* told him about my parent's marital situation at home and what not.

Next thing, my doctor asked 12 year old me to kiss him.  While still trying to process- how and why and most importantly the fuck my first kiss will be from a 40 something year old man. This Nigga swooped in and locked lips with me.

I know I go on and on about meeting the worlds beauty standards but believe me when I tell you I am the poster child for the ugly duckling story.

Anyways- I told him to stop and that I did not like it and when he asked if I would like to kiss him again tomorrow to which I politely declined - I mean you cant be rude to the gentleman who saved your life no matter how disgusting you think his kisses are.

Subsequently I insisted my mother get someone to always stay with me at the hospital and sleep over.
When I was discharged and my mother came to settle the bill, she asked me to say thank you and stay behind with the doctor, which prompted a decent amount of water works and thus died the matter accordingly.

I narrated an abridged version if this story last night for the first time and thought why haven't I blogged about it, I received no judgement, no what were you wearing questions ( hospital scrub that has all the back exposed and a nice drip trolley accessory attached to my wrist). However I did receive a what did you look like at 12- Honest answer, a Somali starving child, painfully thin and in no way deserving of kisses of any kind ( except from my mother).

I find that my inability to reconcile who I say I am and who I actually am - as evidenced by the things I do, shocks me, scares me and at the same damn time surprises me.
I quit Alcohol to enable me make better like choices, because I made a lot of poor choices drunk.
What I am learning and accepting is that I am still making poor choices sober.
Utterly frustrating because I should know better and I should do better but how does the allure of the wrong thing make me feel so good?

One republic said it best" every thing that kills me.... makes me feel alive".

Some good things come easy- I am finding this out and slowly I am stuck with releasing dogma's that clouded my mind about who I am. should be and what I should be doing.

Word of advice, when going to any embassy. do your nails. dress pretty. and wear lipstick.

Your nails because doing your bio-metrics with shit nail polish is highly embarrassing.

Dress pretty because you are addressed how you are dressed, you might have to "do Easter" for the security men but it is worth it.

Finally lipstick because, a bit of color makes the world a better place.

Three other things...

I finally found a buyer for my black dress. * insert sex appeal emoticon here*

and Kelis ( Nas's ex wife and milkshake crooner- who also doubles as a cordon le bleu chef) released a new album titled ... wait for it.... "FOOD".

Album is quite good, reviews say she still isn't over her divorce from nas as evidenced by the lyrics of some tracks on the album.

finally Re- kelis and from my general observation, Love changes you. sometimes for the better most times, for the worst. It breaks you into tiny pieces and forces you to put yourself back together again- by yourself. by any means necessary. It makes you selfish with your self, sharing only what you think is necessary for survival.
Including poor life choices.

Especially poor life choices.

* When I was younger I did not realize that it not okay to be from a "broken" home, I lacked nothing and my mother did her absolute best to be mother and father. I learnt as I got older to be a vague as possible when it came to my parental unit. Although if you come to my house and see the family portrait on the wall with my mother and siblings sans a father, you get the picture without asking. Some ask if he is late. I'm learning to reply with the truth. My father is not dead. He is where he is. My Mother, who happens to be here is here and I'd very much like to focus on that, if it is not too much trouble".

That response has yielded snark retorts from people and men who I have had run-in's with along the lines of " she has daddy Issues" or " she doesnt have a father so she has no idea how to treat men"

I have been fortunate to see how women that have both parents act and a good number of them still have a huge amount of men trouble.

Personally I do not let men stress me. That is what my job is for. In the immortal words of * insert name of every rapper who has used this line before* "I do not chase them, I replace them".

And I am finding out how much joy exists in replacing broken toys.









Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Goddess

Have you seen 300 2?

that scene where Xerxes, takes a bath in that cave and comes out an immortal being.

That's how my new hotel room makes me feel.

just to put this story in context- My current client's lodged me in what is supposed to be the fanciest hotel in an area in Abuja ( which I refuse to disclose before people come and look for me)

Anyways- I hated my first room and then I requested to be moved, so I was moved to another room which I hated even more. So I was moved to yet another room which I was managing till I found the holy grail of hotel rooms last night.

I sharply moved all my shit and owned that room.

So this morning I decided that since I had a steam bath thingy in my new hotel room, I'd make use of it even though I woke up at 7:45 and work resumes at 8am.


fast forward to finishing all my bath procedures.

My new room has so much space and this delicious full length mirror on the left ( which is coincidentally my good side)

So after my morning steam bath and shower I slowly sashayed out the vestibule- stopped at the mirror for a look over and realized I had been reborn like Xerxes.

Naked- and now Goddess.

Suffice to say I like my new room.

Except I keep forgetting its on the ground floor and I need to shut my curtains or I would give the drivers of the hotel a literal chance to window shop.

But that aside I love it. would definitely take more showers now.

And just in case you were wondering- off course I was late to work. I got in at 9:30am.

It is just what Goddesses do. :)




Tuesday, April 22, 2014

On starting from the Beginning.

I was fortunate to spend sometime with my Aunt over the holiday,

Please read spend time as - cook , clean and carry out as much manual labor as possible.

JK- Just cooking jollof rice and shit for easter monday lunch.

And along the line, she shared with me one of the most profound truths I had stumbled across in my overwhelming surge of unsolicited marital advice from every body who finds out I am 25.

She said the problem with marrying a poor man, is that he will always be poor in your eyes.

My aunt was one of the few women who was fortunate to marry for love along with support from her spiritual guardian*, And has somehow managed to stay married. Happily for the most part of it.

And so when she volunteers information, A part of me is inclined to listen.

Apparently, when you marry for love and the man has nothing, when he eventually has something, you are so used to covering up for him ( another Nigerian thing where everything good that happens in your life is ascribed to your husband), and looking out for everybody that, when he does not need it anymore- you cant stop.

And apparently, it is belittling.

I have stopped trying to understand men. but it seems like they have found a way to eat their cake and have it. ALL OF IT DAMMIT.

You are broke, and your bae can provide for you. but once you can do it she needs to FOH and if she doesnt, you take your hard earned cash to splurge on charity**.

And as she spoke to me I smiled, because I decided that maybe I should not focus on marriage so much anymore.

Although she has managed to remain happy and married, I see how her husband treats her, with so much love and respect and deference,  It is such a beauty to watch.

Except my aunt is so hung up in her head she can only see that young man who was broke and could only offer her love. and now he can offer her more than love, it tweaks the status quo. AND  she is not ready.

Which begs the question, is any one ever ready for changes in relationships???

It always feels like you wake up and every thing has changed.

Over the weekend, I spent time with men who I had just stopped friends with for some reason, pulled back from because I could be a crazy bitch sometimes.  And mostly because I was a busy bee.

LOL but I spent the evening with my friend B- Not like J and B. Just B.

Who claims he will kill me if I blog about his current relationship status- Dont worry  B I am dead for you. I wont tell.

And It was a good evening.

Easter sunday was spent with my BBG ( Baby girl) Uloh and an amazing games night. Which I co-hosted and then ran into Lolly Cakes( who happens to be best friends with my ex- boyfriend)


So we can comfortably call this weekend, that of past lives or loves.

It was a good holiday asides the fact that I had to work all weekend.

Neither here nor there, thats what life is.

I find it amusing how much attention I'm getting from younger men.

I feel like someone has placed a post it on my back that reads - MILF.

I also think I have gotten over my love for men. and I might be a borderline lesbian.

LOL which is amusing because I am lowkey obsessed with the female body, but never like sexually, mostly scientifically- so I am surprised at the subtle change.

Anyhoos- I hope your weekend was good and everyone is having an amazing first day back at work and all that Jazz.

Also something I wanted so badly came to pass.

Oh so Badly. I really wanted it. and God gave me.

TESTIMONY TIMEEEEEE!

Maybe next week.

* Nigerians are obsessed with having a * insert collective noun for pastor/prophetesses*  of pastors. for all the enemies, real and imagined.

** PLease read charity as aristo girls.

Ps: I did not proof read and attempt to make any logical sense so all typo's and shit syntax's you see, I am wholly responsible for.

:)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

On meeting ridiculous beauty standards

And the benefits they allude to you.

If allude is the wrong word- chuck it up to trying to sound intelligent.

I have an ass.

Everyone has an ass.

But I have somehow- By no feat of mine managed to grow a rather rump with loots of Junk in the trunk.

However, that is neither here nor there.

Let me give you the best example of what attaining these beauty/body standards will do to you.

My client's because of the likehood of a conflict of interest are usually not supposed to fratanize with us.

side bar- three years ago, one of my italian clients asked me to pop into his house to pick sthg up.

I ran it by my then audit senior who looked at me like I was mental.

He was like- you want to quickly "pop into xyz*'s house for what? I hope you havent run mad?"

Me- err I already said I'm coming.

Him- tell him no. and do not ever ever ever think of such madness.

me- meekly, Okay.

Then I did not realize that most men are animals- and there is no point playing with fire.


Back to today.

Being the only woman on my audit team ( Noticed I said woman and not female)

I automatically assume the role of welfare officer/food  provider/ general running around-er.

Long story short I usually organise breakfast and lunch for the rest of my team, which totally compirises of

One male manager, and One staff (who I plan to work to death) Hellooooo Senior status!

Anyways that is neither here nor there.

At the food place, I saw one of my clients who has been overtly friendly.

I'm trying to pay for everyone's food and he says- Please allow me.

And I'm like- err no

This kind man was like- I gat this.

I let him " gat" it.

Then realized my skirt was too tight and my ass looked wayy to spectacular.


Basically- an ass like mine will get you free food.

And since I just discovered this, Guess who will only wear midi pencil skirts?

Me.

I love awoof so damn much.

Work seems to be crawling and the fact that I am going to work over the holiday but makes me so sad.

Abuja- fun things to do please- Maybe wonderland?

but these bomblasts have me so scary?

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Abuja

As with everything inevitable- Rain, tax and broken hearts,

I am back in Abuja for work.

Its a job I hoped that I would not have to do because, I was not sure of the quality of work I would put out as a senior.

Simply because I had been out of town for a year and out of this audit work for that period, but its not too bad, I finally understand what people always say when they say it is like riding a bike.

LOL.

Except I can not ride a bike.

Anyway- what has been going on?

I miss lagos, so badly.

It is horrible.
Like I hadn't even had any time to settle in and BOOM work in Abuja.

Anyway that is neither here nor there.

My waka has to be cautioned - orders from my most senior manager at work - AS my Abuja waka's are always so legendary- There was a bomb blast on monday.

It is so sad that they keep hitting the poor people. It is so unfair.

People that were going out to work and stuff.

Everytime shit like this happens- I suffer bouts of survivors guilt.

Meanwhile- Guess who has blossomed into a swan from an Ugly duckling.

LOL- I hung out with my friend last night - who asked me for the umpteenth time if I had work done on my body.

And I am like work ke????

You people underestimate my vanity. If I did get work done- best believe that kim kardashian would have serious competition by now.

Anyways- I did not get work done- although I have been looking up various procedures where a doctor- who obviously does not value his licence-   will take all the fat out of my arms, and belly and put them in my ass.

Stop judging me-all the brazilians do it dammit.

LOL.

So asides my yearning for a bigger behind.

I have even bigger news to share- but I am so scared to share

Does that make any sense?

Like I do not want bad belle people to send me too much negative vibes??

LOL

I am equal parts nervous and equal parts excited.

I can not explain it sha.. God is on the Throne.

Looking down on his daughter.

I am in a fucking good place right now.

My life is coming together a bit too fast for my own good and obviously I do not have a hand in this greatness.

I need to go on a fruit diet abeg. only fruits for a week. I have  a pending holiday in the works.

This is my year of holiday-ing man.

Have I mentioned how useful google has been to me?

Thursday, April 10, 2014

First comes the baby

Next comes marriage.

So says Kimye. The Okoye twins ans now Dami and Chris Atoh.

I find it amusing that people will themselves to have children out of wedlock then go ahead and have the kids out of wedlock.

But you know what I know- Children are a gift from God irrespective of the circumstances in which they announce their presence.

Either in wedlock, out of wedlock, with someone who you care about, or with someone else's husband.

The child is as much a blessing as is a responsibility and One ( both father and mother) must take up said responsibility.

That being said, society has told us it is wrong to have children out of wedlock, but it happens.

We need to stop being so judgmental, besides, there is no condemnation for those in Christ.

Nigerians need to stop crying about children out of wedlock abeg.




Monday, April 7, 2014

The weekend and positive reviews

I had been dreading, coming back home and giving Abu- my mothers washerman, all my clothes to slack and wreck with omo and what not.

Then my friends told me that they use a laundro-mart in Lekki.

Me- They have actual laundromarts?

Them- Please go away.


Long and short, I followed them and spent ONLY  1k.

That is one thousand Naira.

I was too excited. we did 5 washes at 4,800. Naira ONLY.

Anyway the service was exceptional and the mart is located at lush mall on admiralty opposite cold stone.


I somehow managed to forget my ipad there I tweeted at them and sent an email to someone there.

In under 5 minutes, a staff had gotten back to me and confirmed the presence of an ipad and said I could come and pick up anytime before they closed at 9.

Asides the fact that I did not have an #airkwhereismyIpad situation, I really liked the place.

I feel like we have started making life easy for ourselves, laundromarts, home cooked meals that can be ordered online.

:)

Life is good.

My weekend was chilled, I attended a work out class that has me all over in pain, till now. Loved it. and I am excited and looking forward to next week's class- if it does hold.

So Adura O, thank you.

Laundro-mart is EZ wash and Dry. they have a place in yaba and lekki.
Yaba is at ozone center on commercial avenue.

Back at work and I know in my heart of hearts that I am so over paid employment, and waking up in the morning. I think I am a night person. or I am still jetlagged. either ways.

I read other people's blogs and I think they are so aware of how they feel and what not. and I am just here picking beans and talking about my nails and my hair and the many men in my life.

Last night on my way back from getting my ipad in lekki, I witnessed an accident.

So over Lagos drivers and thier acting like they own the damn roads man.

That accident was totally unavoidable but people never learn. always speeding and beating lights and what not.

Hiss.

Here is to an amazing week, filled with positive stories.

Amen.x

Friday, April 4, 2014

First day back at work and interweb reviews.

I feel like I never ever left.

Office politics, My friends are hovering around me and being non judgemental about all the weight I have put on, my bossess are happy one more minion has returned.

Nothing changes.

So since my laptop was not ready,  My manager- one of the numerous, sent me to marina- I work in Ikoyi to pick up a cheque from one of our clients.

fastforward to getting to marina, I was asked to go and lodge said check but only after going to my office to get it lodged into the accounting system.

Parking in Marina is close to impossible, but Ore pulled it off, without paying a kobo to omonile.

But that is neither here nor there.

I came back home that evening to and took a nap. woke up to 3 missed calls and a watsapp message from some number I did not know.

I ignored and drifted back to sleep- only to be awoken by the a phone call from said number.

Long and short, when I went to my office in Marina, since I am yet to receive my ID card, I have to fill out a visitors book and put in my phone number. This nigga Person, happened to be behind me on the queue, took the liberty of stealing- Yes it is stealing, my number from the damn book, and proceed to call me.

I told him NEVER to call this number again and went back to sleep.

When I gisted my mother, she found it so amusing- I was like, Mummy- staahp it- its not funny.

The rest of the week has been sent familiarizing myself with the 1000 and one new faces my firm decided to hire in the 1 year, I went away.

Today I also prepared my first IFRS AFS. and I was mighty pleased.

That as an aside, I trawling the interwebs today and I see that thing about Beyonce's daddy and his Baby mama and in as much as it is funny. and you don't want her to pay, I would like a huge number of you to spare some righteous indignation for all the Nigerian women currently living in the same situation.

I know waaaay to many women raising kids that do not belong to them and no one is making a big deal about it. They are feeding and clothing fruits of infidelity daily and no one is saying a damn word.

Digress- But I can not wait till Nigeria becomes progressive enough to actually not put women in these awkward situations because they want to a- get married and b- stay married.

That as an aside, I came across this blog today and the funniest thing about it, is that the writer said she was in ss2 in 1995.

In 1995, I was just about entering primary 1.

This might seem like BS- But the internet has made yall so damn disrespectful. MY GOD.

LOL.

That being said, how do you leak someone's nude videos while twerking?

Nigerian men ( Yes I am generalizing because I know no other men) are full of shit.

Haba.

chit chat over, I have never been happier and more thankful to say " THANK GOD ITS FRIDAY THAN TODAY".

OMG.


Currently

Contemplating If this 6 month celibacy challenge is going to be the death of me. Probably not But knowing how these things work, Its goi...