Update

I keep getting little signs that maybe I am on the right track,

Just maybe,

Antsy

Anxious.
Unsettled.

These aren't feelings I have in my life but lately.
*sigh*
I don't even understand it.
I usually thrive during examination prep, I might complain it but I lowkey love it,
but lately; man.

I just feel so off.

I have no idea what is going on.

I'm thinking of quitting I need a sometime to get my life together.

Reading.

Even though I should really be reading my books, I'm approaching that hump in studying so I'm doing lots of non academic reading.

Anyway.

I read this article today and my God.

THIS

My God.

Couldn't love him more even if I tried.

Ps: why are you not subscribed to my tiny letters yet?

Reminder

The secret of success is constancy of purpose.

I moved jobs last year because I was burning out and the sort of life I would have wanted to live with Eros would have been difficult if not impossible with those hours.

And also because I wanted more money.

I did not get as much money as I thought- because as with money; usually the importance wanes once you cross a threshold. ( I mean no one ever has enough money, but you get my point), I found out that I had crossed a threshold a long time ago for money. My core needs are limited to fuel. and travel.

I do not live with Eros anymore and thus there is no need for the purpose of navigating double unit living arrangement.

I also thought I was burning out and needed to slow down; while I love the idle life; it's not purposeful enough for me.

The happiness you are searching for comes through reflecting on the worthy aims you are dedicated to achieving and then taking action daily to advance them.

And that is what I need to remind myself every time I feel overwhelmed with studying and panicking that I might fail the exams.
Even though I'm studying.

I started getting job offers that would have made so much sense if I was interested in staying the course of my old career track. I was telling my ex-co-worker that I ran into that I had to turn down all these offers, he said to me" Now is the time for those offers, you weren't ready then", and to be honest, I still do not feel very ready.

But back to purpose of working. I have always been someone with exemplary organizational skills. Highly emotionally intelligent and such a sweet soul that it only made sense that I do something along those lines eventually. I'd love to retire into academia and teach part time and publish white papers. and so on and so forth 

Long story short is that I'm switching careers; writing these exams; going through all this stress because the work that I do has to be value adding and I am ready to make money. A lot more money than I currently make.

Also because I miss ball bursting work.
And all the pleasure I found in it.

My friend, who is a real estate developer, stopped by my office to see me today, since the hours will be bloody, he said " you are moving back to stress"
And I'm like " Maybe, maybe not", And if I hate it so much I can always just get another gig that will be lax like this.

He said you have a point.

and I came back to my desk to scour the web as I am less busy and came across this post about this girl who worked a whole year in a light fixture factory and got a masters in accountancy so she could get a job in the company of her dreams.

That was all the light I needed to know that I should fashion myself towards the light of flexibility of goals.

Actually I have to pass these exams, because one of you people's daddies offered to get me the job if only I'd sleep with him; anyway so now I have to wait till I get the exact damn job and run into him in the elevator and shame him.

Rubbish.

In conclusion:
I'm writing these exams because I want a new job in a new field; and because I know no other way to get where I'm going than through hard back breaking work peppered with sleepless nights etc etc etc.

Easter weekend

If you know me in real life, then you would know that one of my oldest friends got married over the weekend.

It was such a delightful time.
PHC wasn't ready.

Ended up in tears as I got into lagos and just got so overwhlemed by the madness that is lagos.

While Portharcourt is exactly london- It was such a well deserved vacation for me
So I go to get my car from my uncle
and he texts me on monday when I do not go and see him because I have no emotional bandwidth to deal with him "Thanks. Reassuring you don't know everything after all. Was beginning to think you were omniscient!"

I have a break down because I'm overwhlemed, I miss class on Sunday and THAT is what one of the closest men to me thought to text me.

For context, my uncle is maybe 57 or so so he has at least 25 years on me. AND SEE THE TYPE OF TEXT HE SENT ME.

Because I am a sarcastic princess I reply " I’m glad you find pleasure in my down time. 😘😘😘"

and he doesn't get it instead he replies me " It's good to know you are normal and human after all"

I don't reply and I'm going to block him and never speak to him again.

I'm used to envy from people who are not close to me, or who are not privy to all the work I put in. Or even people who are friends with those who are beneficiaries to my good will.

But never from someone who I have so much respect for.
Men rarely disappoint me.
But I think I am honestly heart broken. Is there no safe space for me?
Answer is no.

Anyway so that happened.
I went to school.

I also find my friends who know I am preparing for exams immensely disrespectful that they keep complaining about my unavailability like I came to this world to wait on you hand and foot.

Like I have people messaging me how they can't wait for these exams to pass.
LOL
After the exams pass, I'm not going to even mingle with you.

I know I know.
I'm just generally upset.

But asides those two things.
Three more things

-T is back.
- T brought me fenty goodies
- Yorubae's sister bought me a strapless bra. ballerina flats and tassle earings all for 15 GBP.

my heart is full abeg.
still not buying anything, and i still have so many things.

It's the strangest thing.