Thursday, April 2, 2020

Risky Risky

At the risk of sounding like an unbalanced deranged crazy woman,

 I am enjoying the corona lock down.

I know. And I feel horrible about it.

One of my closest friends is panicked because she has had to shut down two of her businesses,
the other one is stressed over some immigration hang ups now extra delayed by this lock down.
And a spread of other people who are generally anxious.

Me, I'm just happy for the very first time in a very long time to be doing nothing and having no expectations looming over me.

When my company shut down, I told myself 3 months and I'd go back to work. My mother wanted me back at work so I told her I'd get to it once I got back from my vacation.

And it was the best vacation of my life because I didn't have to worry about anyone calling me and asking me about work related anything. I also didn't have a budget because I felt working for a decade I had earned a treat. Hence a reckless holiday AND a purse ( that is stuck in the US because COVID).

Anyway. I came back and attempted to unpack and etc all the while networking and setting up interviews for jobs and attending interviews and speaking to recruiters but still not fully rested but also resigning my fate to the 3 month break ONLY FOR COVID lock down to swing by.

I am ashamed at how happy this time off is making me.

TBH, I should be anxious, as I have never ever ever since the day I got into university had this much free time in my life, little to no responsibilities and minimal concern about income. ( I think my investments are sorta nifty).

I feel so blessed. I have two meals everyday with my mother and we don't argue.
I sleep at 4am or 2 am or 5 am and wake up at noon or 1 or 2. then practice the piano and then read till 6pm.

Have dinner with my mother. Have a drink with my brother. My sister comes over sometimes we gist.

I'm washing my hands but honestly showering maybe once in two days.
I've had the same braids in for over a month because there was no way I was going to the saloon to take the out when this whole thing started. And I am honest to God uninterested about taking out my braids myself

Maybe I should do some more writing with this time?

Nah.

Maybe I should just enjoy this season of rest.

To everyone who is panicked now please here is one of my favorite bible passages for when things are going askew " Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the lord delivers him from ALL".

This too shall pass.

Today at dinner but really snacking at midnight, my mother asked me to come to newyork with her in september.

Honestly I think this virus will go as it came.

My friend is panicked about being locked in for a long time and I told him, even 100 years is forever, this too shall pass.

I hope you all take this period to relax, the Good lord knows we all need it.


Monday, March 23, 2020

Twenty Twenty

And everything was supposed to be double double for 2020.

This year was loosely unplanned for a number of reasons, 1- I didn't have to go to work everyday and because I was still doing a lot of ground work for my mother due to her 60th birthday coming up.
So that was that.

Then I went on holiday and had the time of my life. Unfortunately I did not have time to sample the trini men because ya girl was all partied OUT. That was the real party after party. After party after party. Well deserved because I sort of didn't have a budget and did not have any responsibilities asides occasionally send a decent looking photo to my mother and family members.

It was glorious. Add that to this I think for the first time so long I actually rested.
Then I went to tobago rented a car and drove around the island- a quick shout out to google maps for not getting me lost too many times.

I remember reading something from wendy about being careful about who fills up your cup. Before I went to tobago, my friend had mentioned that it was expensive and the logistics of driving were off because narrow roads with a city set on a hill.
My other friend was like- nah you good.

When I got there I was like, nah It can't be that bad.
Readers, it wasn't. Between the car and my hotel for 4 nights everything came to $400.
It was not as expensive as I envisioned, at all. it was fun.
And it's right had drive. the last time I drove right hand was in Cape town in 2016.

Anyway this bit is interesting because I went to an interview two weeks ago and the interviewer was trying to explain something to me and asked- do you drive, I said yes.
then he asked - have you driven right hand before?
and I said actually just got back from tobago where I drove right hand.

And he said so you will understand the basics of overiding your instincts and switching over when the need arises.

I said yes- because duh its an interview, but I had absolutely NO IDEA what he meant by that. I didn't bother asking him to explain because I'm like meh.

After tobago I went back to london where I saw Lionking the stage play and felt an overwhleming urge to make more than enough money so I could fly my aunt's kids to london and have them watch it!
I also swung by my friends house. And honestly that house was glorious. never seen house in the UK that looked so nice and lived in and lagos-y.

It was warm and filled with love. And I'm not saying the houses in london are not filled with love but the people who live in London CAN be cold. and it shows in their living conditions. Everything is rationed and measured and cut. This house had that buffer living that lagosians understand.
where something can be 6 but if its 6.5 that's okay too, its not the end of the world.

It had the flexibility of things not being exact and certainty that the lack of exactment would never translate to the end of the world. The kind that lagosians have and infuriates the whole world.

Case in point, when I told my trini friends on sunday how I hadn't gotten my costume but I was sure by monday I'd find something to wear.
And they were aghast. And by monday I found something to wear in the band I was looking to play in. they were surprised, I told them I'm Nigerian.

At the airport I tried out some traditional trinidadian food and threw up on the plane.
That has never happened to me ever. getting sick on the plane.
But I realized how mind your business-ey white people can get. ONLY one man ( mixed nationality) beside me gave me a paper bag when he saw how I struggled during the turbulence and the older man (black) behind me, asked me if I was feeling better once I got out of the bathroom after puking out my guts.

Not one of the air host/hostesses asked me a damn thing- AND THAT IS WHY I WILL NEVER FLY BRITISH AIRWAYS EVER AGAIN.
Also including the fact that this flight was delayed by two days and I spent them apphrensive about missing my vacation.

Back to Lagos and Self isolating with hercules who so kindly got me from the airport- even though he was characteristically late. and then after a night of reckless hotel sexing, he took me home to see my mum.

Anyway. One thing I found so interesting about the Caribbean was just how interesting their maintenance culture is.

I came home and now I want to throw out half of my shit. these people don't have anything they don't use.

Literally like i was in awe. even those who were fantastically loaded. They didn't have any gold ostentatiousness in their houses.

Like even with designer items. everyone literally just wore the clothes they own and looked super cute.
This is making me reconsider, I'm not very obsessed with material items to be fair- I did reward myself with a designer purse for passing my exams and even then it was an existential crisis because I was like I promised myself I'd get it for when I passed.
but I had just spent a ton of cash at Carnival.
And honestly I know it's self preservation that is making me not even add up how much I spent. but beloved it was worth every dollar.

Anyway I bought the purse, it was also 50% off. so. The choice was sort of made for me.

2020 has been a fantastic year so far, I can't even lie. I have enjoyed this hiatus from working that has thoroughly fucked up my sleep pattern. I mean my bed time is currently 3am, because I spent the last quarter in 2019  pulling all nighters for my exam, then followed by a fine romance that had me on the phone till 5am a lot of times ( honestly this was fun), that sort of led to me pseudo cohabiting then off to the Caribbean for carnvial and that one broke my body clock, which is why its 4:11am and I'm very awake.

hope you guys are all keeping well? and you are resting  and not struggling to make use of this compulsory holiday.
yall should rest.

no one knows when next you will get time off like this. and honestly I am sooo unbothered about finding a job, its boderline irresponsible, but I love this feeling ngl.
God got me, and all of us, because look at the birds etc etc you know the verse.

:)



 

Monday, January 20, 2020

HAPPY NEW YEAR



Happy new year my lovelies!

And now that we have gotten that out of the way.

Here are some super fun updates.

- I passed my exams. and let me tell you it was by the grace of God because that exam- NA DIE.
- I also spent christmas in Warri, if you have read this blog long enough- by now you know why.
- My office shut down and made all the staff redundant, which means I am unemployed.
- I am currenly prepping for my next vacation and let me tell you this shit has turned me into a cheap mathematician
- Hercules and I are back talking. (well more than talking), but we are sha talking talking. and ngl, he can be mad cute with me- and has been since we randomly linked up one weekend in october.
e.g after my exams he heard how stressed I was about my performance and took me to the beach for the weekend. as someone who always plans shit- this was mad refreshing. can't lie. he won himself major brownie points.
-I'm good for cash and I do not want to work for a while.and I know how ridiculous this sounds but honestly ya girl just wants to rest.
- I feel like this is the first time in my whole life adult life that I do not have anything on my plate and it feels so delicious.
-I mean I still wake up at 4:45am to hit the gym but yah
-Speaking of gym- I GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER. and honestly its easily the best and worst thing
-Since my office shut down decided to do ijebu and cram in some medical work because HMO, and got two fillings on the same day and now I think they are too high but I can drink cold water in peace so win win win.
-I am currently obsessed with Fireboy's what if I say.


I think thats about it for me.
as always I am super excited for the newyear and all the fresh changes it'll bring as well as the opportunity to rest my head and strategize. which i am immensely grateful for.







Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Update and all that good stuff

My exam was interesting, and for the first time in a long time I do not know how the results will swing. I'm uber apprehensive.
Say a prayer for me.

Following closely on the heels of that; I've decided to end things- whatever things are with the pretty boy who I really liked and was shacking me that I then slept with and he sort of lost some of his shine.
That boy.

I felt like he was jealous of me. And I know how ridiculous I sound writing it because how can someone toasting you be jealous of you.
But I spoke to my uncle and he said two things can be true. Someone can like you and be envious of you.

And I'd never have considered myself to be someone to be jealous of, because honestly aren't we all struggling with one thing or the other? My friends say it is that he does not believe I had the guts to put him on a rota. of other men.
Which is amusing because - WHERE IS YOUR COMPETITIVE SPIRIT?
LOL.

Honestly I'm slightly disappointed but very surprised at his actions. and in all my experiences with men I have never ever ever experienced anything like this in my life.
color me surprised.
how can someone be toasting and shading you at the same time over looking good?

My friend thinks I intimidate him and he has low self esteem. My uncle thinks he is not just used to women not centering him.

I honestly wish I did not tell him about my divorce or open up to him.
and even though I knowwwww it has no bearing on my decision making abilities I honestly can't believe I entertained yet another low self esteem nigga.

Anyway I'm off to a date tonight and I am two minds about it because I'm wearing a shirt, with an actual collar.

LOL

the one day I'm dressed like Funmi from marketing I agree to a date on a whim. LOL

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Growth

I applied for time off for my exams like a month ago and my boss didn't approve it on the day it was meant to start, I got an email saying he rejected it. I had just pulled an all nighter and I was absolutely NOT in the mood.

So I drag myself to the office, and he said and I quote, the exams are not related to my role and that I am not the only one writing exams in this office. And I was like oh what are the alternatives, and he said use your annual leave.

So I asked him if I could take unpaid days and he shrugged all  non committal and was like discuss with HR.

Color me confused because this exam is a two part exams and he approved the first study leave. - TWICE.

The old me would have gone on a tangent on how it was not fair and etc etc. and then gone to tell everyone in the office how I am constantly victimized and called my mum and put it on speaker and just really acted a damn fool. Then gone on a twitter rant.


The new me, said a prayer and messaged HR. because honestly I didn't have the time.

Turns out he was being a clown bitch ass because HR was like- huh? as long as you have justification for the exams  please apply and tell him I have approved it.

And the same leave this clown rejected and asked me to prepare a justification for, he approved before COB.

And you know what was even more fantastic, after he approved it, I went over to tell him thank you.

It felt good.

I mean my boss doesn't like me, but I never in a million years would have guessed he'd attempt to sabotage me like this.

And I am so so so happy with how I handled it. I think this is the growth people talk about all the time. :)

Glad to finally see bits of it in my life.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

31

No birthday wishlist or wishes this year, just to pass my exams.

I put love on my vision board earlier this year and then realized what I really want is tender romance and not love.

I have found expressions of love at every turn most days I leave home to head out from people I know and do not even know. So I know it is romance I want. a very specific kind.

I ring in the new year at sugar baby's house, and he asks me to stay. I say okay and go to drinks afterwards with The boy from a couple of posts ago. ( you know the one)

after which I go home to sleep.

I wanted a super mellow birthday because honestly between my exams and me mourning the life I assumed I'd be living at 31. I couldn't hack hosting or partying.

I mean I thought I'd own a house by now.

I keep wondering where I got that from or why I wanted to own a house so badly or why I've always wanted one but I'm drawing a blank. I sha want a house.

and another year has gone by and I do not own a house.

But on the same side, I felt so grateful and thankful.
A couple of things I started to do- be a lot more mindful of how I look, so less make up and zero filters.

Less validation from Social media, I started providing a lot more context in the stuff I share on any platform, but I realize people always like to play up certain things, I'm being a lot more deliberate with being honest with the portrayals on there.

For some reason I have not be able to look through and reply my whatsapp birthday messages.

I opened the first one from Yorubae, and burst into tears. It was a voice note from his grandma and she was praying for me and she asked me to be strong. and look forward.

And honestly It was the most welcome thing. As always before exams especially these ones, I have been nervous, frantic about my performance but that message was so reassuring. Like whewwwww.

A lot of people do not acknowledge the effort and time and strain that these take and out on me so I'm always so thankful when someone doesn't tell me- you are intelligent, don't worry.

I like when they acknowledge that I can be afraid and still move forward.

At brunch today, I met a french boy and told him about my favorite non sexual fantasy.

My self and partner who is a professor (???) and its late summer and we are in the back yard of our summer home and all our friends from around the world are around with their kids and then he brings out a bottle of wine unlabelled and someone asks  me about the wine because it is, and I tell her it's a sample we are trying out from this years harvest from the vineyard, and we all burst into laughter because - WTH?

And he said, then you'd need to move to Bordeaux. And I said oh that is where my current french lover is from.

So if this is a sign- Lord I hear ya.

Anyway my mother prayed for me for my birthday and prayed for me to never lose my sense of self and I remain the person who I have always been.

Through out this year I felt a  shift in my person  back towards who I used to be and I think she senses it as well. People always say divorce changes you.

Not all divorces then. LOL.

I had a shouting match with





Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Currently

Listening
 non stop to




Nana, na na na
Strike a pose it's a perfect picture
Nana na na na
Nothing feels better than when I dey with you

Honestly this is the song I've showered to consistently for like 3 weeks.
 I think peruzzi is tryna do this whole lover boy vibe and following the success of Majesty. 
This one works perfectly.

Reading

Ideally my books for my exams, but really


I find myself stealing one of these a week from the library - where I study- to read them. Think of them like a pallet cleanser for my actual studying.
I lowkey miss my informal book club I used to run when I'd download books and send them out weekly and stuff.
adult hood is rough man.

I'm also reading for my exams

Wondering

-If I this boy I was texting is ghosting me. And if I need to call him to confirm..
-Also wondering if I am not being reasonable with the hot date boy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being unreasonable. and some other times. well. I know but 
- Also wondering if I am unduly influenced by these M&B books. Honestly
- why Nigeria kills businesses. Legit fell into a funk with this wondering yesterday
if I can afford to give them afro-nation in Ghana or really if I have money for holiday in 
December
-




Writing
A column for a magazine. I actually can not believe I am doing it.
Pitched it myself and I am writing it now. Like wow.
print byline with my name- I wonder what name to use.


Enjoying
playing with my niece.
She is the absolute cutest baby

Looking forward

To my birthday. 
and to never having to celebrate a birthday in the midst of exam prep ever.
Honestly I turn 31 this year, and I'm sure if I check my 21st birthday post, I was prepping for exams as well.
Honestly this shit is ghetto AF.
I have no plans but I feel very grateful 

Contemplating

Writing a birthday wishlist, but also slightly panicked because what If I get nothing on the list?
Taking along my friend for moral support to my divorce trial.
Putting a man that lives on the mainland on my boyfriend rota
on whether or not this vulnerability jam is my jam

Extremely happy with 

My friendships with my female friends.
and my male friendships
and my new manicure
and lowkey studying. ( this absolutely makes no sense)
all the plans I'm making for my next vacation
and this beauty box I ordered from Bathkandy.


Risky Risky

At the risk of sounding like an unbalanced deranged crazy woman,  I am enjoying the corona lock down. I know. And I feel horrible about ...