Saturday, January 26, 2019


This month has been an emotional roller-coaster.

And I can't even be mad because it's been full of really high highs. and really low lows.

I passed my exams. Highest High
I buried a friend- Bottom of the rung low.
I had a 30th birthday party- high
I found out that someone who I had considered my friend assumed I was envious of her and wanted to ruin her happiness- dissappointed.

Had a client threatening litigation and one of my solutions at work developed a glitch during payroll week.

So I spent all week trouble shooting- urgh.

I decided this year while in morocco to go ahead and file for a divorce from Eros.

I mean we were always going to get divorced, he had reached out to me to discuss it before  his girlfriend reach out to me. So I kind of assumed there was some urgency and I got on board.

when the time frame for the divorce application finally arrived ( long story but when you get married, you have to wait 2 years post separation and before you can file); I did not hear pim from him or his lawyers.

So I met with the managing partner of the law firm he told me was representing him and lo and behold, he hadn't given them a brief or even paid.

color me surprised.

anyway I message him repeatedly and he doesn't respond.

So I decided to go ahead and petition him. I was going to wait till he came around and I really feel like I've earned it because It's only fair that he bears the cost.  Anyway I'm meeting with a lawyer about it tomorrow.- pretty excited.

I'm taking a few days off next week to go and clear my head because of the heaviness of january.

Like I'm used to struggle but It's usually even keeled. So if I'm in one phase I'm in that phase ooooo. till the end.

But this goood news today bad news tomorrow. its a lot for me to handle. which is why I'm going away.

went by the hair dressers to get  my hair washed and she decided that I had good hair cut off my relaxed its and was like- yah you are natural now.

I'm slightly confused because I have no idea what that entails and I quite frankly have no idea how I ended up here.

My sugar baby was raised in a church that eschewed make up, hair extentions etc etc, so he is in support of this. I find it mildly amusing.

I had dinner with my friends Debo and Uloh on tuesday and Debo said I should go to therapy because I said I was not interested in dating someone who lived on the mainland.

TBH I can barely get myself to work which pays me and is on the island- how much more commitment on the mainland? Also said boy told me he didn't own a fridge.

You are 33 and you don't own a fridge? I asked him incredulously.
yeah he shrugged non noncommittally.

The week I found out my friend died. I went by my sugar baby's to get cuddled up because I did not want to be alone. and before I feel asleep he was singing labrinth's jealous. - He does that all the time.

He also is kinda going through a rough patch at the moment so when he text me to swing by I happily obliged.

and now I've had the song on repeat.
He- is in london for work and I have missed him terribly this weekend.
and also I'm wondering if he'd be so kind of bring me back macaroons.

I had the most intense sugar craving since the beginning of the week.

I'm struggling to map out what I want to do in 2019. I mean I know I have my exams. BuT I can't see anything else.
I hoping my retreat lets me get  some clarity to at least draw up financial goals.

Ps: I want to go to brazil next month but this one I haven't drawn up any thing or budget or make any plans or nothing. I Just tire for me.

Tickets are roughly $1k and I'm like urm. I need to find a way to make more money or I need to find a sugar daddy.

Friday, January 18, 2019


Today is strange

I am currently at my desk typing this.

But I have been to the cemetery this morning.
I have watched a coffin that contained a friend into the ground while I raised my voice and sang Amazing grace with the the 20 other people  who came. Wearing t shirts with her face on them.

And let me tell you, there is a finality that hits you when you see someone being lowered into the ground.

I do not process grief like most people so this is particularly difficult for me.

I have a party tomorrow for my 30th birthday and I pray this cloud passes over because.

I am over it already.

Need to buy drinks and ice for my party tomorrow. but asides that I think I have everything on lock down.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Emails at 1am

This week the love of my life Uloh was in town.
Sooo we went out eating drinking running and just generally doing nuisancey shit around town.

Friday night comes and we inevitably end up at velvett because you know that's where my heart resides.

I walk my friend out and on my way in I see someone who I have had repeated flirtations with but for some reason logistically we have been unable to consumate our flirtations.

 he pulls me into a corner, we talk for a bit- how long have you been in town, when do you leave type conversations and then he asks what I'm doing after this.
I'm like well I'm with friends

He looks at me, gives me his hotel room key and says I'm at XYZ hotel lose your friends in an hour and come meet me.

Sounded very good to me so I plead with the love of my life to drive herself home, even though its roughly 4 am and she doesn't live in lagos.

we text back and forth for a bit and then I force my lover's hand and she agreed so
I took an uber to meet my host.

Who was absolutely so sweet to me.
Offered me drinks even though I had had waay too much to drink and then took off his clothes and proceeded to give me the most miserable porn-esque sex of my whole entire adult life.

I had to tap out and tell him we could try this tomorrow because -someone telling you they want to split you in two does not sound sexy AT ALL.

and I kinda think he meant it.

Also the sex was Zero.
 zero technique.
Zero finesse.
Zero everything.

And I feel awful because we had such good conversation the morning after and when he looks so good on paper
but beloved, I was glad to see the end of that.

Anyway I'm gisting my home girl when he is like why didn't you let him know

I'm like- ehn let him know what?
and she was l

So at 1am I drafted a very pleasant email with many stories but koko was that - his penis was too beautiful for his stroke game is scatter the whole thing and that he strikes me as a fast learner and I'd be willing to carry out reviews and so he should hit me up when next he is in town.

I am a terrible person but there is woman out there who'd thank me immensely for this stroke tutorial email.

whoever you end up being- chanel earrings are  a good way to say thanks!

Friday, November 23, 2018

Thanksgiving ramble ramble ramble

My exam was good.
waayyy better than I expected.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and start prematurely accepting congratulations.

That being said, it was thanksgiving and I had dinner with my married friend and his girlfriend.

I have never met a woman more delusional in my life. Or rather more willing to risk it all for this love business.

I wish I could have told her- sis, LOL.
But instead I was like I wish you both the best.
I might not be a lot of things, but Imma fast learner. Not gonna loose another friend over their partner choices even if its rubbish.

That being said.
I turned 30 a few weeks ago and I still haven't had a party. Thinking of having one in december but ya girl is on a budget and has a trip coming up so no need to burn through cash.

I'm thankful for my family. Like they actually love me. I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for my friends. I watched a snippet of the documentary and I felt so overwhelmed with love and they all said such wonderful things about me. It was so sweet.

I know I will need to do friendship pruning as I enter this new szn, but for some reason I'm stressed out about it. But not really. like I know it will be okay. I've always always always been there for my friends and that came across so strongly during the documentary that I was like okay.

Talked to a friend of mine and she said something that rattled me to my core. I am definately using 2019 to put myself first irrespective of how terrible I feel.
I started and surprise- people found alternatives.
Its so funny how adaptable people are once you get out of the way.

I stopped speaking to Hercules.
and to be honest. I don't think he is taking it very well.
He saw me on the road and flipped me off.
I was actually very surprised. It's really unlike him.
I would have hoped that we could have remained friends but *shrug*
when I say friends, I know you my readers know that the benefit is silent but very present.

That being said I slept with someone else and meh.
Well I had slept with them once but I was drunk drunk and my memory was fuzzy so it made sense to go back and try it again and LOL. I can think of a million better ways to spend my 3 minutes.
but in his defence he is a such a good kisser.

I am thankful for kisses.

I'm thinking of a man free december.
More like a people free december.
Just me myself and I.

I'm implementing that. I liked how off the grid I was while prepping for my exams.
I'm thinking of starting meditation as well. 21 days 10 minutes and prepping for the marathon next year.

I used to run when I was much younger ( think 12) while in QC and then I had my surgery and did not finish physio and sha sha I'm going back to running. Pretty excited about prep and practice.
I hate that I haven't done my body and cant start with the bridge. so sad.

But on the upside I'm signing up to a gym and I'm gonna be training there well just bootcamps really while I run 3 times a week. Looking for stronger legs to commence my pole play with.

I mean actual pole not penis.

I have a date lined up next week that I absolutely want to ditch. Like I wanna not show up and I know the reason why I do not want to go is because my aunty wants me to go so badly.
While I am not averse to being hooked up, I wish the quality of men were much higher.

And I do not say this lightly. a good number of the men people always want to hook people up with - dem no too dey try. and also they are rather ambitious widdit. Like sis this man is not fit to touch the hem of my garment on any level.

But because aunty ( mothers friend) so it is not like I'm rude. I'm going to suck it up and go.
But I've told myself that I'm not making any plans if he is going to be doing all that- so what do you want to do business. Imma be unavailable for a wavering mind.

Actually I really don't want to go because I know this such a waste of my time. Like I'd rather watch paint dry. than go. but obligationssss.

One more group I'm thankful for this year is my glam squad. shout out to the dressmakers. my nail girl. my hair plug. yall got a girl looking cuteee all year round.

I liked this year a lot. It was kinda like an inbetween famine and excess year but so many things to be thankful for.

Looking forward to 2019 wholly.

Tuesday, October 30, 2018



Non stop to this because. Maxwell is the OG lover boy.

Turn around and look and see what you been missing
Look behind you and put on your glasses, forward vision
Maybe one day we'll be more than we were way, way back when
Maybe then they'll listen
Maybe then the world will understand

As an aside, has anyone spent her employers hours imagining what sex with Maxwell will be like? Or that is just me?


They are basically a week in different people's sex lives in NYC. Why isn't anyone doing that in Lagos? It's pretty much Sin city.
You can read them here


What I eat because ya girl is doing another whole 30. Also seems to be working because last time I swung by hercules for a quick mid day stint, he said " ah complete 30 you are looking peng". Today is day 30 and I am looking forward to my first drink.


Comfortable with my career trajectory. Was having a had time accepting it but I had a meeting with my sales team and they gave me a round of applause. And I'm like monetize it bitches.

All up in my feelings.
Someone who I became very good friends with as a result of Eros's and I relationship is getting married, and he has invited me repeatedly. I'm like pass. I don't wanna run into Eros. Also I'm studying.


of how grateful I am, to finally turn 30 and everything I have  and how thankful I am to be living this life I got. I've never been one to think your past determines how your life trajectory, is going to be and I'm thankful for that mindset.

How blessed I am that my boss was willing to give me a chance. and now I'm killing the role.  and I have no idea why, but I'm so thankful.

How effective the No 2 bad day rule is for building consistency in life.

Is there any need to write a 30th birthday post?


My post whole 30 body.
Saw my friend over the weekend and she could not believe my waist line.
She think's its all the sex I'm having, she doesn't know I'm a star fish.

My short nails.

My 8 week old braids. I know I know. I've had braids in for 8 weeks now, and they look 2 week old.
And no I do not use hairnet to sleep.


My French Lover. ( I know, I know).
and all my free time because all I do now is STUDY.


The documentary goes as planned. I'm nervous AF.

Wednesday, October 17, 2018


Between Whole 30, This documentary, The birthday Photoshoot. Work. Writing my Tiny letters and studying for my exams. I don't even know how I have time for dick appointments.

But I do.

We need to be mindful the prayers we say because God hears us and answers us.
Case in point me praying to God to get Hercules out of my life because I needed to study and then boom. He is gone.

Well kinda gone.

Or when I prayed to God to make me more forgiving then I ran into one of my former home girls who acted so irrationally and the next time I saw her I went over to say hey and she blanked my existence; So only naturally when she came to say hi at the party I saw her at, I laughed in her face and told her to get the fuck out of my sight.

Then I prayed to God for a better chance at forgiveness, and then I ran into someone who I had an immense crush on, but pulled out my chair in primary one and I fell down. So when he came over to introduce himself to me, I forgave him instantly. But not without reminding him first.
He was adult enough to accept that it was probably the sort of thing he'd have done in primary school.
We laughed and I took his number.

If my chi is as good as she has been, he'd probably be better sex that my most recent now gone penis.

Funny story about Hercules, last week we were together, and he got sick. Like sick sick, I called E, who is a doctor at like 5 am because he was running a temperature and shivering and I was panicked. I ended up taking the day off work to look after him till he got better, got on my phone and realized that it was my wedding anniversary- got into a funk and I let him think it was because I spent all my free time looking after him.

I know I am a terrible person.

E messaged me to ask- is this still just sex?

I tell her yassssss.

Hercules sort of understands my coping mechanisms and does not ask for too much while bringing me home cooked meals and consistently providing triple A sex game. He is sweet. But will be madness to even consider him for anything more. He has the emotional range of white and blue dunlop slippers.

Back to the anniversary. I am relieved I can finally start divorce proceedings, because for the life of me, I have been unable to even contemplate actually dating someone with this baggage. Everyone says like it's not a big deal, and maybe it isn't but because I'm wired to wrap up one thing before I start another thing. I am really really pleased.

My French Lover moved back to Bordeaux on Saturday. We were out on Friday and we had drinks, well he and my friends did, I drank water and then he got wasted so I sent him home. The next day we had tea at some art gallery and it was very bitter sweet, not the tea, us hanging out.
 He told me about his ex girlfriend who wanted to quit her job and move to be with him in Nigeria and he broke up with her because he didn't like her that much. I shrugged, so he asked me about ex boyfriends.
I told him I do not have exes as I do not date much.
Yes Really.

We wrap up tea, he takes lots of photos of me, I should have offered to drive him to the airport, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered to spend any more time with him.

A lot of people have started asking if I will consider dating one person exclusively again. I tell them I have no idea. I'm not very impressed with the men I've come across.
Not saying they aren't good. They just are not good enough FOR ME.

If anyone meets men, It's me. my friends can not believe how often I meet them and how much sex I have. But the catch is that, I barely like these men. I know I really should give them a chance to disappoint me first before I write them off completely but abeg. Better the end of a matter, especially when you can already see the end.

On Sunday I finally get around to writing down the 2019 life I want. And for the first time in a long time I allow myself to consider the possibility of  actually getting married again.  And I did not realize this until I referred to my marriage to Eros as my first marriage. Hercules pointed it out to me.

Anyway so I write down what I want and I also include qualities I'd like in a partner. At the top of that list is American passport. The second item is filthy rich.
whatever I already married for love once before.

I dress up and attend my friends wedding on Sunday evening and it is so nice to see everyone  I haven't seen in ages.
And I meet a boy who gives me flowers.
Usually when I meet men I ALREADY KNOW. what I plan to do with them.
Like I can assess if this is a No go for me. if this is a yes to sex situation. But I am never ever feeling like a lets see how it goes. Or willing to go with the flow. ( because only dead fish go with the flow); and also because at almost 30, it'd be madness to go want to see how things go.

Anyway I feel very lets see how it goes about the boy.
I also haven't replied any of his messages.

Today, I got asked out on a date by a writer, who I think will kill to fuck me. But doesn't realize that I'm not being long, I'm just uninterested in all that power play. So I rescheduled till 4 weeks later. He seemed confused. A month? I tell him I'm worth the wait.

My birthday documentary is coming along pretty well. I'm shooting everything on Sunday; the photos and the interviews as well. I'm pretty excited about how that is going to turn out. I have looked forward to 30 for so long its finally here and I might have a bout of destination blues. I mean these damn exams are not allowing me flourish tbh.

Speaking of exams, they are literally a month away and I'm feeling pretty good about them.
I'd be on vacation in January when the results come out anyway so fingers crossed I'd be celebrating for real for real then.

I am at a sweet spot life wise, and I don't know if I should stay where I'm at or get up and go. But go where?


Looking forward to my holiday in December because I have earned it. Been in Lagos ALL YEAR.

Monday, October 8, 2018

Birthday Project

decided to stop calling my birthday documentary a Vanity doc and started calling it a birthday project.

First of all, this thing is expensive.
I've called in all the possible favors I can possible call in
and it's still expensive,

Do you know I need a stylist, a make up artist, a photographer, videographer, a director, a creative director to set the tone of the documentary, a second videographer.
I need to make food available for all my guests and vendors
Need to buy balloons for the shoot
need to get a speaker as well.

There is A LOT of work that goes into this.

I think I feel like I have bitten more than I can chew, but at the same time I'm like "whats the worst that will happen"

I have a new found respect for creatives who go out on a limb and do things like produce documentaries.

Anyway pretty excited, meeting with the creative director who is in the mix re: conversation above. and he seems pretty pleased.
Might be having a mini sleep over as well. but I think I need to start running or at least doing some exercise for my abs.

Will def be having a screening party once this is done.


This month has been an emotional roller-coaster. And I can't even be mad because it's been full of really high highs. and really l...