Wednesday, April 10, 2019

In more recent news

My Sister had a baby.
Like she is a whole ass mother now.

It is the most surreal thing. But I am so excited to meet my niece, I can not wait.
I'm off next week to see her and my heart is elated.

Mother and baby are fine.

My heart is full.

I think I was slightly specific about a request- and I just got my first gig. And I am nervous.
Its an actual PAID. writing gig.
and honestly I'm panicking because wth?

But at the same time- I know at the back of my mind I'm going to power through so I'm kinda chill. I guess.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Update

Still feeling slightly uneven but filled with Joy.

Let me explain.

So post separation, I totally went about my life doing me things and being me.
me being super helpful extending a helping hand where I am and just generally living my life.

Then I caught up with my friend, who had hot takes to dish about my divorce.

*as an aside, the reason I do not enjoy discussing my divorce, with my friends or people close to me is that their takes are so fiercely insensitive, and this is just what it is*

Anyway her hot take was basically how I had done so much that when time came for my partner to step up and pull his weight, he couldn't because he didn't know how as a result of me not giving him room to learn how to do because- I had done so much consistently.

And I'm not sure if she was blaming me, but I know a lot of people blamed and still blame me- and I can live with that. What I didn't understand at the time was that- it's not everybody's hot take you internalize.

And that comment had be re-evaluating my relationships with lots of people and surprise- guess who was always bending back to please people, while on the other end people were doing bare minimum.

Me.

And I was like- oh. this is interesting. tweaked the dynamics a bit and just started doing more me centered stuff.

And I loved it.
Doing me stuff.
But it did not bring me joy.

Instead I found myself biting my tongue instead of offering support to people repeatedly.
and everytime I had to help someone do something, I had a voice in my head- reminding me that the person I am helping will not help me if the roles were reversed.

And nothing makes you more irritated than feeling like you are being taken advantage of especially when you don't even have to help them.


Anyway I finally figured it out.
I had a friend who needed a help with her masters dissertation and I cancelled a date with this boy I met on bumble to stay in and help her, only for her the next day to leave the thing undone to go and see man.

I don't even know what surprised me more- the fact that I was stressed and cancelled this date with someone who kept frantically trying to see me, that he moved all his friends from Vi to lekki and I'm like nah- my girl needs me.
Anyway when she got dressed to go and see man the next day after I gave her my night and free day I was like- Okay I need to really stop pitying people. Like I legit turned down MY own date for YOUR project and you hadn't finished but went to see man.
LOL.

When she messaged me a few days asking me to help her do something else- I just said I was busy.

So now I think, I only extend help to people who have shown that they are serious and are at their wits end.

But that is hardly the case.
For example I do a bit of investing for my my uncle and after this cycle I'm not going to help him anymore because honestly people are just pisstakers.

Anyway back to the story.

My friend hit me up last week about his girl's birthday and I was like hmnn. okay. I was wavering on helping him because tbh I didn't need that kind of smoke. But he was out of town so I was like what do I have to lose?
So we curate gift items, reach out to vendors do back and forth and finally end up at Cake, Spa day, Wine, card and ballons. All in his budget and within the time frame.

And when I finished and told him I was done- I could feel how sincerely grateful he was, and let me tell you my heart wanted to explode with Joy.

I was like- OH???
I have missed this so much.

And I think that feeling is going to stay with me forever.


Now is more interesting less emotionally stressful news:

I AM Going to brazil and I am EXCITEEED.

Now Brazil is such a funny story because it ideally shouldn't have happened but I was like fuck it and somehow made it happen. Listen I am so proud of me right now.

I also haven't told my mum but brazil is really for me.
 I am dying of excitement. Like I am soooo excited because - Rum and Cane juice and finally catching up on GOT before April 14th.

I have finally gotten around to getting my financial targets for the year in order and let me just say that they are not as ambitious as I'd like but given my current salary band- my heart is gladdened.

I feel like if I can hit them by Q2 then I can move them around a bit.

I still haven't gotten my bosses Job EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING IT, and it makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of, but at the same time- I am like I get in at 10 most days and close at 4pm, my customers like me ( to an extent) and my boss can manage with me. I'll survive.


I MET A BOY ON BUMBLE.
But this is a separate post. maybe when I'm in brazil.

So much has happened in the last few months.
Just popping by to say I'm not letting people tell me what to or what not to do anymore with myself.

I don't think yall realise how happy helping my friend out made me.
I didn't even realise it myself.

I am gladdened.

And I have an uber spontaneous holiday planned off the cuff and for the first time in a long time I'm letting someone else take the reins and I'm like.

Also Oyibae- the french boy came into town for a weekend and invited me to Chad- he is finishing up his PHD and asked that I come visit him.  I'm like errr

And I met Hercules's Dad. which is another story that will be a whole ass separate blogpost .

Hope I haven't missed out anything?

Saturday, January 26, 2019

January

This month has been an emotional roller-coaster.

And I can't even be mad because it's been full of really high highs. and really low lows.

I passed my exams. Highest High
I buried a friend- Bottom of the rung low.
I had a 30th birthday party- high
I found out that someone who I had considered my friend assumed I was envious of her and wanted to ruin her happiness- dissappointed.

Had a client threatening litigation and one of my solutions at work developed a glitch during payroll week.

So I spent all week trouble shooting- urgh.

I decided this year while in morocco to go ahead and file for a divorce from Eros.

I mean we were always going to get divorced, he had reached out to me to discuss it before  his girlfriend reach out to me. So I kind of assumed there was some urgency and I got on board.

when the time frame for the divorce application finally arrived ( long story but when you get married, you have to wait 2 years post separation and before you can file); I did not hear pim from him or his lawyers.

So I met with the managing partner of the law firm he told me was representing him and lo and behold, he hadn't given them a brief or even paid.

color me surprised.

anyway I message him repeatedly and he doesn't respond.

So I decided to go ahead and petition him. I was going to wait till he came around and I really feel like I've earned it because It's only fair that he bears the cost.  Anyway I'm meeting with a lawyer about it tomorrow.- pretty excited.

I'm taking a few days off next week to go and clear my head because of the heaviness of january.

Like I'm used to struggle but It's usually even keeled. So if I'm in one phase I'm in that phase ooooo. till the end.

But this goood news today bad news tomorrow. its a lot for me to handle. which is why I'm going away.

went by the hair dressers to get  my hair washed and she decided that I had good hair cut off my relaxed its and was like- yah you are natural now.

I'm slightly confused because I have no idea what that entails and I quite frankly have no idea how I ended up here.

My sugar baby was raised in a church that eschewed make up, hair extentions etc etc, so he is in support of this. I find it mildly amusing.

I had dinner with my friends Debo and Uloh on tuesday and Debo said I should go to therapy because I said I was not interested in dating someone who lived on the mainland.

TBH I can barely get myself to work which pays me and is on the island- how much more commitment on the mainland? Also said boy told me he didn't own a fridge.

You are 33 and you don't own a fridge? I asked him incredulously.
yeah he shrugged non noncommittally.

The week I found out my friend died. I went by my sugar baby's to get cuddled up because I did not want to be alone. and before I feel asleep he was singing labrinth's jealous. - He does that all the time.

He also is kinda going through a rough patch at the moment so when he text me to swing by I happily obliged.

and now I've had the song on repeat.
He- is in london for work and I have missed him terribly this weekend.
and also I'm wondering if he'd be so kind of bring me back macaroons.

I had the most intense sugar craving since the beginning of the week.

I'm struggling to map out what I want to do in 2019. I mean I know I have my exams. BuT I can't see anything else.
I hoping my retreat lets me get  some clarity to at least draw up financial goals.

Ps: I want to go to brazil next month but this one I haven't drawn up any thing or budget or make any plans or nothing. I Just tire for me.

Tickets are roughly $1k and I'm like urm. I need to find a way to make more money or I need to find a sugar daddy.




Friday, January 18, 2019

Today

Today is strange

I am currently at my desk typing this.

But I have been to the cemetery this morning.
I have watched a coffin that contained a friend into the ground while I raised my voice and sang Amazing grace with the the 20 other people  who came. Wearing t shirts with her face on them.

And let me tell you, there is a finality that hits you when you see someone being lowered into the ground.

I do not process grief like most people so this is particularly difficult for me.

I have a party tomorrow for my 30th birthday and I pray this cloud passes over because.

I am over it already.

Need to buy drinks and ice for my party tomorrow. but asides that I think I have everything on lock down.




Monday, December 3, 2018

Emails at 1am

This week the love of my life Uloh was in town.
Sooo we went out eating drinking running and just generally doing nuisancey shit around town.

Friday night comes and we inevitably end up at velvett because you know that's where my heart resides.

I walk my friend out and on my way in I see someone who I have had repeated flirtations with but for some reason logistically we have been unable to consumate our flirtations.

 he pulls me into a corner, we talk for a bit- how long have you been in town, when do you leave type conversations and then he asks what I'm doing after this.
I'm like well I'm with friends

He looks at me, gives me his hotel room key and says I'm at XYZ hotel lose your friends in an hour and come meet me.

Sounded very good to me so I plead with the love of my life to drive herself home, even though its roughly 4 am and she doesn't live in lagos.

we text back and forth for a bit and then I force my lover's hand and she agreed so
I took an uber to meet my host.

Who was absolutely so sweet to me.
Offered me drinks even though I had had waay too much to drink and then took off his clothes and proceeded to give me the most miserable porn-esque sex of my whole entire adult life.

I had to tap out and tell him we could try this tomorrow because -someone telling you they want to split you in two does not sound sexy AT ALL.

and I kinda think he meant it.

Also the sex was Zero.
 zero technique.
Zero finesse.
Zero everything.


And I feel awful because we had such good conversation the morning after and when he looks so good on paper
but beloved, I was glad to see the end of that.

Anyway I'm gisting my home girl when he is like why didn't you let him know

I'm like- ehn let him know what?
and she was l

So at 1am I drafted a very pleasant email with many stories but koko was that - his penis was too beautiful for his stroke game is scatter the whole thing and that he strikes me as a fast learner and I'd be willing to carry out reviews and so he should hit me up when next he is in town.

I am a terrible person but there is woman out there who'd thank me immensely for this stroke tutorial email.

whoever you end up being- chanel earrings are  a good way to say thanks!


Friday, November 23, 2018

Thanksgiving ramble ramble ramble

My exam was good.
waayyy better than I expected.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and start prematurely accepting congratulations.

That being said, it was thanksgiving and I had dinner with my married friend and his girlfriend.

I have never met a woman more delusional in my life. Or rather more willing to risk it all for this love business.

I wish I could have told her- sis, LOL.
But instead I was like I wish you both the best.
I might not be a lot of things, but Imma fast learner. Not gonna loose another friend over their partner choices even if its rubbish.

That being said.
I turned 30 a few weeks ago and I still haven't had a party. Thinking of having one in december but ya girl is on a budget and has a trip coming up so no need to burn through cash.

I'm thankful for my family. Like they actually love me. I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for my friends. I watched a snippet of the documentary and I felt so overwhelmed with love and they all said such wonderful things about me. It was so sweet.

I know I will need to do friendship pruning as I enter this new szn, but for some reason I'm stressed out about it. But not really. like I know it will be okay. I've always always always been there for my friends and that came across so strongly during the documentary that I was like okay.

Talked to a friend of mine and she said something that rattled me to my core. I am definately using 2019 to put myself first irrespective of how terrible I feel.
I started and surprise- people found alternatives.
Its so funny how adaptable people are once you get out of the way.

I stopped speaking to Hercules.
and to be honest. I don't think he is taking it very well.
He saw me on the road and flipped me off.
I was actually very surprised. It's really unlike him.
I would have hoped that we could have remained friends but *shrug*
when I say friends, I know you my readers know that the benefit is silent but very present.


That being said I slept with someone else and meh.
Well I had slept with them once but I was drunk drunk and my memory was fuzzy so it made sense to go back and try it again and LOL. I can think of a million better ways to spend my 3 minutes.
but in his defence he is a such a good kisser.

I am thankful for kisses.

I'm thinking of a man free december.
More like a people free december.
Just me myself and I.

I'm implementing that. I liked how off the grid I was while prepping for my exams.
I'm thinking of starting meditation as well. 21 days 10 minutes and prepping for the marathon next year.

I used to run when I was much younger ( think 12) while in QC and then I had my surgery and did not finish physio and sha sha I'm going back to running. Pretty excited about prep and practice.
I hate that I haven't done my body and cant start with the bridge. so sad.

But on the upside I'm signing up to a gym and I'm gonna be training there well just bootcamps really while I run 3 times a week. Looking for stronger legs to commence my pole play with.

I mean actual pole not penis.

I have a date lined up next week that I absolutely want to ditch. Like I wanna not show up and I know the reason why I do not want to go is because my aunty wants me to go so badly.
While I am not averse to being hooked up, I wish the quality of men were much higher.

And I do not say this lightly. a good number of the men people always want to hook people up with - dem no too dey try. and also they are rather ambitious widdit. Like sis this man is not fit to touch the hem of my garment on any level.
Please.

But because aunty ( mothers friend) so it is not like I'm rude. I'm going to suck it up and go.
But I've told myself that I'm not making any plans if he is going to be doing all that- so what do you want to do business. Imma be unavailable for a wavering mind.

Actually I really don't want to go because I know this such a waste of my time. Like I'd rather watch paint dry. than go. but obligationssss.

One more group I'm thankful for this year is my glam squad. shout out to the dressmakers. my nail girl. my hair plug. yall got a girl looking cuteee all year round.

I liked this year a lot. It was kinda like an inbetween famine and excess year but so many things to be thankful for.

Looking forward to 2019 wholly.




In more recent news

My Sister had a baby. Like she is a whole ass mother now. It is the most surreal thing. But I am so excited to meet my niece, I can not w...