Wednesday, November 6, 2019

Growth

I applied for time off for my exams like a month ago and my boss didn't approve it on the day it was meant to start, I got an email saying he rejected it. I had just pulled an all nighter and I was absolutely NOT in the mood.

So I drag myself to the office, and he said and I quote, the exams are not related to my role and that I am not the only one writing exams in this office. And I was like oh what are the alternatives, and he said use your annual leave.

So I asked him if I could take unpaid days and he shrugged all  non committal and was like discuss with HR.

Color me confused because this exam is a two part exams and he approved the first study leave. - TWICE.

The old me would have gone on a tangent on how it was not fair and etc etc. and then gone to tell everyone in the office how I am constantly victimized and called my mum and put it on speaker and just really acted a damn fool. Then gone on a twitter rant.


The new me, said a prayer and messaged HR. because honestly I didn't have the time.

Turns out he was being a clown bitch ass because HR was like- huh? as long as you have justification for the exams  please apply and tell him I have approved it.

And the same leave this clown rejected and asked me to prepare a justification for, he approved before COB.

And you know what was even more fantastic, after he approved it, I went over to tell him thank you.

It felt good.

I mean my boss doesn't like me, but I never in a million years would have guessed he'd attempt to sabotage me like this.

And I am so so so happy with how I handled it. I think this is the growth people talk about all the time. :)

Glad to finally see bits of it in my life.

Sunday, November 3, 2019

31

No birthday wishlist or wishes this year, just to pass my exams.

I put love on my vision board earlier this year and then realized what I really want is tender romance and not love.

I have found expressions of love at every turn most days I leave home to head out from people I know and do not even know. So I know it is romance I want. a very specific kind.

I ring in the new year at sugar baby's house, and he asks me to stay. I say okay and go to drinks afterwards with The boy from a couple of posts ago. ( you know the one)

after which I go home to sleep.

I wanted a super mellow birthday because honestly between my exams and me mourning the life I assumed I'd be living at 31. I couldn't hack hosting or partying.

I mean I thought I'd own a house by now.

I keep wondering where I got that from or why I wanted to own a house so badly or why I've always wanted one but I'm drawing a blank. I sha want a house.

and another year has gone by and I do not own a house.

But on the same side, I felt so grateful and thankful.
A couple of things I started to do- be a lot more mindful of how I look, so less make up and zero filters.

Less validation from Social media, I started providing a lot more context in the stuff I share on any platform, but I realize people always like to play up certain things, I'm being a lot more deliberate with being honest with the portrayals on there.

For some reason I have not be able to look through and reply my whatsapp birthday messages.

I opened the first one from Yorubae, and burst into tears. It was a voice note from his grandma and she was praying for me and she asked me to be strong. and look forward.

And honestly It was the most welcome thing. As always before exams especially these ones, I have been nervous, frantic about my performance but that message was so reassuring. Like whewwwww.

A lot of people do not acknowledge the effort and time and strain that these take and out on me so I'm always so thankful when someone doesn't tell me- you are intelligent, don't worry.

I like when they acknowledge that I can be afraid and still move forward.

At brunch today, I met a french boy and told him about my favorite non sexual fantasy.

My self and partner who is a professor (???) and its late summer and we are in the back yard of our summer home and all our friends from around the world are around with their kids and then he brings out a bottle of wine unlabelled and someone asks  me about the wine because it is, and I tell her it's a sample we are trying out from this years harvest from the vineyard, and we all burst into laughter because - WTH?

And he said, then you'd need to move to Bordeaux. And I said oh that is where my current french lover is from.

So if this is a sign- Lord I hear ya.

Anyway my mother prayed for me for my birthday and prayed for me to never lose my sense of self and I remain the person who I have always been.

Through out this year I felt a  shift in my person  back towards who I used to be and I think she senses it as well. People always say divorce changes you.

Not all divorces then. LOL.

I had a shouting match with





Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Currently

Listening
 non stop to




Nana, na na na
Strike a pose it's a perfect picture
Nana na na na
Nothing feels better than when I dey with you

Honestly this is the song I've showered to consistently for like 3 weeks.
 I think peruzzi is tryna do this whole lover boy vibe and following the success of Majesty. 
This one works perfectly.

Reading

Ideally my books for my exams, but really


I find myself stealing one of these a week from the library - where I study- to read them. Think of them like a pallet cleanser for my actual studying.
I lowkey miss my informal book club I used to run when I'd download books and send them out weekly and stuff.
adult hood is rough man.

I'm also reading for my exams

Wondering

-If I this boy I was texting is ghosting me. And if I need to call him to confirm..
-Also wondering if I am not being reasonable with the hot date boy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being unreasonable. and some other times. well. I know but 
- Also wondering if I am unduly influenced by these M&B books. Honestly
- why Nigeria kills businesses. Legit fell into a funk with this wondering yesterday
if I can afford to give them afro-nation in Ghana or really if I have money for holiday in 
December
-




Writing
A column for a magazine. I actually can not believe I am doing it.
Pitched it myself and I am writing it now. Like wow.
print byline with my name- I wonder what name to use.


Enjoying
playing with my niece.
She is the absolute cutest baby

Looking forward

To my birthday. 
and to never having to celebrate a birthday in the midst of exam prep ever.
Honestly I turn 31 this year, and I'm sure if I check my 21st birthday post, I was prepping for exams as well.
Honestly this shit is ghetto AF.
I have no plans but I feel very grateful 

Contemplating

Writing a birthday wishlist, but also slightly panicked because what If I get nothing on the list?
Taking along my friend for moral support to my divorce trial.
Putting a man that lives on the mainland on my boyfriend rota
on whether or not this vulnerability jam is my jam

Extremely happy with 

My friendships with my female friends.
and my male friendships
and my new manicure
and lowkey studying. ( this absolutely makes no sense)
all the plans I'm making for my next vacation
and this beauty box I ordered from Bathkandy.


Friday, September 27, 2019

On Celibacy

One of the reasons I decided to become celibate was because I had noticed a trend of waning interest in men who are absolutely shaking me, after I have sex with them.


And I absolutely wanted to will myself to follow through.
Anyway. fastforward to my meeting my hot date.
and sleeping with him after one two many sleep overs.

I don't think I like him anymore.

Yall- this man was shacking the fuck out of me.
I can't put my finger on what has changed.
I remember telling Yorubae that honestly the thought of getting married never crossed my mind till his ass rotated into my orbit.

So I fuck him a couple of times, and I'm like- meh

I am so lukewarm, he keeps asking  me what is wrong and I'm like - oops.

Like when I'm with him we still have a good time, but once I leave, LOL.

it's almost like out of sight and out of mind.

And yall he is a GREAT guy. Like fantastic by all ramifications. If I made a list, minus his lack of a foreign passport, He'd check a good number of boxes.

But yet- I'm irritated by him. Sometimes.
Case in point, he was sick sick and didn't go to work, and yall I was like oh, get yourself to the Hospital.

He didn't and I was like okay cool.

didn't offer to send him food, didn't ask what drugs do you need. Nothing

and I didn't feel a type of way.

Is this madness?

I'm equal parts confused, equal parts amused.

I feel like I know I shouldn't have fucked him.
I really enjoyed how light headed he made me and now I'm back to earth, I'm like eek.



Friday, September 6, 2019

Update

I did not ghost my hot date.
In fact I found my celibate ass in his bed, 4( okay maybe 5) out of 7 nights last week.
with a standing invite till december

and I planned to tell him about eros and the divorce at dinner this week because at the risk of sounding forward, this feels different and I like this boy.

Anyway so  we are lying in bed this morning and I tell him I am in the middle of a divorce.
For two reasons, 1: I didn't want him to hear from outside and 2: I wanted him to make an informed decision on committing adultery.

And when I'm done he just says okay, I'm happy you told me and kisses the back of my neck and we lay there in silence.

And urgh. I thought I'd feel relived, but I felt physically sick. Like I wanted to throw up.
and when I asked him what he was thinking about he said, he was just wondering where my mind was at re: how it has shaped how I feel about people, relationships and life.
And let me tell you I felt seen.

I generally do not discuss my divorce with people because honestly they don't have the range- and people judge. Anyway I gave it some thought and concluded that

on people, I have learnt to take them at face value.
on relationships, I realize how important loyalty is to me
and in life- you can do everything right and shit will still go left and thats what life is.

And he is like fair enough. And I thought- hmnn Interesting.

Anyway I invited him to

Monday, August 26, 2019

The one where I ghost my super hot date

So I went on a hot date that spanned 13 hours and I have currently ghosted the person I went on the date with and had the most fantastic time with because he when he told me the name of his most recent ex I was like





You dated WHOOOOOOO.

Then I  realized I'm really an asshole.

So back to this date.

Went to the Johnny Jazz Walker event on saturday night with adekunle gold, Lagbaja and Wande coal.
AHMAZING FANTASTIC LINE UP.

and my date showed up looking sweet AF.

And we just hung out and then when the show finished,

we sat in his car, talking  till morning THEN because we were in a church parking lot, we went in for Mass.

Then after Mass, we walked out of the church to the car and he asked if he could kiss me.

and I'm like- WE ARE AT CHURCH.
LOL

And we had the most delicious first kiss followed by a mini car make out session and I said- Look I gotta go home to sleep yo. Took my celibate ass home.

Fast forward to sunday evening I have a meeting ( someone asked me to buy into their company- and I am super stoked about it- more about this later). and then he messages me and I'm like come through and have some wine.

So we drink two bottles of wine, make out like we are 12 years old and honestly I'm not such a huge fan of PDA but I legit could not keep my hands and lips off him.

and I'm like look I'll go back to yours if you promise not to try to fuck me.

And he is like deal.

So I go back to his.
Offcourse he tries to fuck me. But I'm celibate so we do some kissing and we pass out because honestly we both hadn't slept and we were both drunk.

And we wakes up by 4 am and wakes me up with back of neck kisses. YALLLL.

But that's not even the issue; we are lying in bed looking through his photos AND- I'm like oh you know xyz, and he is like oh she my ex.

and I'm like- whoopsie.

Honestly I lost my hard-on for this boy.
Like it makes zero sense. I think he sensed the shift in my attitude because he went to bed soon after and I took a shower and got dressed for work.


But now I'm looking at all our photos from the weekend and I'm also like I *like* this guy, but I'm also like he dated this problematic pyschopath.

Like I'm stressed.
So I'm currently ignoring his messages .
I'm an awful person.

Eneni is telling me how we have all made questionable decisions and I shouldn't be like that.

LOL.

As an aside, celibacy is great. it kinda forces you to slow down and actually SEE people for who they are and not what sexual chemistry makes you think they are.



Friday, August 9, 2019

update

adult education issa bitch.

just being an adult and having to do the right thing especially when its difficult issa bigger bitch.

I officially ended things with Hercules, as a result of many things one of the mainest was that I didn't want anything as serious as what he wanted. and also the whole celibacy thing( we used to have the most fantastic sexxxxxx).

Anyway it was awful.
as terrible a person as I am, I honestly really hate hurting people who like me.
A younger me would have been like- meh just roll with the punches sis, but an adult me is like- Okay this isn't going to work, you need to get yourself together and get all the way out of here.

And its hard to sit across a table from someone who you actually enjoy and like and tell them this. its terrible. awful. 0/10. would never recommend. Ghosting never had me feeling this way.

I didn't offer to be friends because next thing will be friendly visit that'll end in Penis and attempted conversation about me considering what I don't know.

Anyway- that break up put me in a funk.

Coupled with the fact that my office let go of HALF of the staff strength. and tbh I was SHOOK. I've never had concerns about job security ever because I mean I worked in audit and every year we got promoted and then I moved here and it's been pretty stable until this.

So this week had me reeling from the loss of half my co-workers. ( for context we are about 33?); its terrible. I don't think I have survivors guilt but I actually thought I was gonna be okay o, until my office boyfriend told me he quit as well.

and was moving to competition.

absolutely gutted.

Anyway in this mix someone in my network sends me a perfect job description for what I'm tryna do:re exams. and I froze.
Then swung into action, reached out to my friend to do up my CV, and honestly would you believe all my years of pulling all nighters doing audit in hotel rooms, amounted to 4 lines?

4?

smh

Anyway I sent that in today so wish me luck.

I'm lowkey pissed because I was actually in the middle of finally settling into this enjoyment life.
plus my mum is ICAN president next year- if you know me personally reach out to me, she turns 60 next year so you know the party finna be popping! Was also looking forward to all the enjoyment travelling I'd get to do as her hand bag but now because this work thing I'm so unsettled and stuff.

Meh.

We are having a baby dedication for my sisters baby. And my sister insists on dedicating her child at COZA.
I'm sick and I'm not discussing this any further. I think they are all brain washed.
Told my mum to put her foot down and my mum is like- oh I don't want to impose, the child has a father.
I said okay.
So tell me why these people are running after me up and down to come and help them plan the dedication?
I'm like LOL- still helping them sha.
Cant use the vex to boil yam

NOW ONTO SOME FABULOUS NEWS.
well sort of fabulous
1- the divorce is well underway. and you guys don't even know how ecstatic I am.
2- I have a beach get away on Sunday. at 30 i'm going to buy food from a caterer because I couldn't care less to cook it. And I'm not correcting anyone if they assume I cooked it. *shrug*
3- I'm making slow and very steady progress with my studying. I'm so happy ehn.
4- my most recent piercings seem to have FINALLY HEALED. ( i hope I didn't just jinx it)
5- My new nail color is so sublime.
6- I might have a new crush ( lol I know I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww) but this is like the wildest thing because; I liked him then I didn't like him, now I kinda like him? Urgh I think i'm PMSing so all my feelings are up down and everywhere.
7- Got my american visa. *whew* This was my second visa application and let me tell you it was rough.  but got it still so *insert dancing emoji here*


People who are celibate, please tell me how do you continue to practice celibacy with ease, because bruh. I didn't realise how often and how much sex I was having till I stopped.
And also how much condoms and lube I own. Now I'm like give away? LOL

OMG absolutely forgot to mention how I went on a date with this guy, I met and liked and when I asked him what his marital situation was he said "estranged".
So I asked him to wait while I googled the word estranged.
Turns out his marital situation didn't fit any of the descriptions. Before I got divorced, I'd have been very willing to play devils advocate for men like this and be like- maybe it's rough for him at home and he is struggling to consider what to do.
But now that I have put on my big girl pants, anyone who doesn't like their wife and wants to move to me should call lawyer abeg.

On the upside I'm soooo pleased I am on this celibacy track, because ya girl woulda def sampled  her coconut spelling skills on that- for posterity sake.

What else have I not mentioned?
OHHHHH I was gisting my sister this and then- she said, she told God that she'd never marry someone who has been married before.
And I'm like *waves hands* helllooo
and she said- oh you weren't really married.

And I was confused because I'm paying lawyers fees in the middle of a divorce but not really married.
I'm dizzy.

anyway I didn't say anything to her because, I really already know how she feels about people who are in the situation I am in, and I really couldn't care less. Honestly, my sister amuses me a lot. I'd call her my problematic fave, except she really isn't my fave.
LOL

I mean she is my sisterrrrr but abeg.

OMG last thing, because of visa application, my mother caught a glimpse of my payslip.
And her need for me to remarry has now intensified.
Another thing I hate about being an adult is how you can see your parents in full spectrum.
Like before my mother was who my world revolved around because she did everything for me.
and I mean my world still revolves around her, but now its optional orbit.

Like I could stop my orbit whenever I wanted and nothing'll happen.
Also I can see how important marriage is to her. which is interesting because I doubt she'd have been 1/4 as successful as she is now, if she remained married.

anytime I tell her this she says well- you have to have kids, and I said nah not really.
Her latest tactic is scaring me with her friends who married late, didn't marry men because they were black ( and honestly if this isn't valid- i dunno what is), or whatever other scary story she comes up with.
and the more she does it, the more I see a part of her that I find amusing. As a parent it must be rough to have a child you can't control with money. it ,must also be rough to see people going after what they want fully, i think of this when i see her friends who are at peace but my mother insits that they are all pretending and unhappy. because unmarried?

Sometimes, I want to tell her that unhappiness expires, can you imagine being sad at 25 you arent married, then at 30 the same sadness and 15 years later at 45 the same sadness?
I can't.
even me, i've filled my life with so many things that when I get some comments from people i'm positively tickled.


But none the less I am going to rent a boyfriend for her 60th if I don't have one by then because this thing might stress our relationship to a point where it actually breaks and becomes irreparable. Also money is good o. LOL

upside to my money goals, I wanted to save $10k this year.

we are not talking about that.

Also- Afronation for December or nah?
i really wanted to go away maybe i'll add sao tome to that for new years?
just looked through google flights, i need to find a private jet owning boyfriend.
and before you ask if I don't want to own one, imagine your lover owning a jet you can use anytime?




*bliss*













Growth

I applied for time off for my exams like a month ago and my boss didn't approve it on the day it was meant to start, I got an email sayi...