Masah Allah

I stumbled across this one instagram and flew to youtube to look for it.
This reminds me of the 2nd of January 2019 while I was lying in bed in Essaouria ( alone if I might add); I had just woken up and checked my phone of the results of my Exams.

Now the exams were good, but it was the second time I was retaking them so even though I was pretty confident, the exams were percentile based so my perfomance was gonna be graded against everyone else's perfomance as well. All of this is to say, that I was confident BUT also the tinest bit nervous.

Anyway I passed the exams as you know, but I was swamped with an overwhleming relief and then the Adhan started. I'd heard lots of it in Marakesh, but this one felt so different. So I laid in bed and listened till it was done.

And then texted and called everyone and tweeted.

Anyway I hope we are all keeping safe, and doing our best to social distance.

This week I listened to a podcast of a woman who said her dream was to work for the UN, which she started doing in Abuja, but then she got married had kids and is now a fitness coach for stay at home mothers.

And while I absoultely do not think becoming a stay at home mother is a bad thing, I was overcome with surprise and slight irritation by how quickly she let go of her life dreams to support her husband and nurter her marriage. She said she made a first class and she was the first person to do so in her department in her university because she knew that was her life's goal, travel around the world AND work in the UN doing international relations.

I say this as someone who had a front row seat to watchin my mother really go after everything she wanted including single parenting three children. That being said I realize not everyone has that zeal but at the same time I wish people wouldnt give up so easily and then say that them giving up is God's plan for them.

God's plan is to do exceedingly and abundantly more than you can ever imagine or dream. Which means our desires come from God.
So why are we playing small?

On sunday I was talking to my uncle and we were talking about earning, and I said I was buying some dollars and he said but you are technically unemployed, and I said actually I am unemployed, unemployed.
And he was like well but you are earning investment income and I said but it isnt my salary so.
I think people find it strange that I am comfortable being unemployed.

Which I find very fascinating. simply because for some reason if you are not gainfully employed people expect you to be panicked and maybe asking for hand outs. but it's really neither of those things for me. It's like I'm not working because I don't have a job. Thats it. Like when I get a job, I'll simply go back to working. I also think a big portion of who I am isn't tied to what I do for a living so it's not too hard to tell people that I am unemployed. because its simply what it is.


And I was in the shower thinking about that and I was thinking should I have told my uncle the number of months that I'd be able to go through unemployed if I wanted to and won't have to worry about money?

And then I also thought, about my relationship with God, and I told God, I really want to develop a relationship with you now that I am not in dire need of anything. I know that it's when your back is to the wall that people usually reach for God but I was like, look I'm in a good place I want to be in a good place with you now. I don't want it to be a situation of I needed this and I came to you.

And as I'm writing that, I'm thinking is the relationship you have with God better when its by choice or when circumstances have backed you into a corner and that's your only life line?
This lock down has slowed down everything and quietened everything in my mind and I can ask myself all these questions that I'd never have asked myself before, and has allowed me be comfortable with saying, I do not know, and I can sit with not knowing because I have nothing but time to figure it out. to untangle all the wires that have jumbled up while running around in the circles of lagos living.
so I guess we bobby valentino's lyrics "slow down I just wanna get to know ya' has some meaning.

Lagos state has lifted the ban tentative on May 4th. And I can't think of anything worse tbh. But my potential employers are going to get back to employing people so I need to get back to identifying what I'd want to do full time going forward.
And honestly I am at my wits end.
But I'm learning to trust that there is bigger plan for me. and its exceedingly abundantly more than whatever it is I imagine.

Hope all of you are well.
Oh and Ramadan Kareem to my Muslim brothers and Sisters.