Monday, November 23, 2015

On slaying and other stories that touch

So I have a wedding this weekend.

I'm trying to do this thing where I only attend weddings where I personally know the bride and groom personally.

Doesn't make much of a difference since I do know quite a few people.

So on saturday I have a wedding.

I know the bride and the Groom, Although the groom invited me

my main aim is slayage.

why?

My one ex- The tampon introducer- Is best friends with the groom.

While I do not speak to him, the groom and I have remained friendly ( of sorts)

ANYWAY.

He will be at the wedding.

And the groom has been weirdly insistent that I attend.

maybe he was also trying to sell me the asoebi ( NO MORE)

So I decided to kill all my enemies and SLAYYYY in a jump suit.

I've always found jump suits to be a bit extra for weddings.

Like aunty why are you wearing trouser.

oyinkan wore one last weekend ( to yet another wedding)- IT WAS LITTTT.

And I thought.YES PLEASE.

So I went to lagos and bought this pretty print fabric

Now.

To find me a tailor that wont slam me with pinafore and act funny when you ask them.

On weight loss.

I'm making steady progress.

My friend FBG, Who I have probably blogged about a lot has morphed into a fitness monster.

So I showed him a few photos of my body pre scuplting.

AND NOW HE IS ON MY CASE-DAILY.

F I love you for real but can we NOT do this?

Please?

I do not like people heckling me

True to his word; he hit me up today to remind me.

little or no carbs.

our conversation was really emotional for me because we have been friends for maybe 15 years and he has never ever shut me down or said no to anything I said.

So imagine how SHOCKED I was when he kept calling me out on my lying-IN YORUBA.

I was so mad. :(

I mean I get that its all love but this love is too hurtful,

Please
My psyche can only take so much assault.

I have spent the last week commuting from Vi to Ikeja daily and can I just say that those people WHO do the commute the other way ARE THE REAL HEROES OF LAGOS STATE.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

God damn.

I have three massive pimples AND a sex starved kitty cat to show for that.

Like I would go to work at 6:30 ish and leave the mainland at like 9:30 ish

I was literally seeing eros in bed. Like wake up leave him in bed, get home meet him asleep.

How do people who work on the island but live on the mainland consumate their marriages?

And even more importantly how do they cook?

I did not cook all week but on thursday I came home early enough to do some cooking like 8 ish

Eros  came in and saw me prepping and said no
I should  go to sleep.

I married a unicorn.

Like.

Literally. So I'm like are you not hungry?

He said yes, BUT you are tired and we havent spent time together.

because my mother's spirit would have been gravely unsettled IF I let my husband go to bed hungry.

I quickly whipped up a smoothie.

And we settled in to watch Heist.(2015)

We slept off midway but I had never seen a more significant gesture of being put first from my husband ever before.

Like NEVER.

please 5 Gold stars for that boy.

Speaking of gold stars; I had a gel mani installed in Abuja at the insistence of Uloh ( baby girl 1)

and four weeks after mani is yet to CHIP.

Like there is so much nail growth. I am impressed.

Thinking of waiting- then going back to abuja and re-do them.

The nails are really pretty( Ps- they are on my IG)


randomly people keep asking me about my wedding.

It is actually my mother's wedding.

Because she is the owner of the wedding, maybe sharing with my MIL.

I mean all I'm doing is loosing weight to kill all my enemies.( my one ex boyfriend) and all my husbands's exes ( although I think the secrecy shrouding the whole wedding thing is killing them)

Also I have really become obsessed with my engagement ring.

I have lost enough weight for it to fit decently on my finger without making my otherwise slender fingers look like satis ( sausage)

Finally- Any one have a really good tailor?

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