Emails at 1am

This week the love of my life Uloh was in town.
Sooo we went out eating drinking running and just generally doing nuisancey shit around town.

Friday night comes and we inevitably end up at velvett because you know that's where my heart resides.

I walk my friend out and on my way in I see someone who I have had repeated flirtations with but for some reason logistically we have been unable to consumate our flirtations.

 he pulls me into a corner, we talk for a bit- how long have you been in town, when do you leave type conversations and then he asks what I'm doing after this.
I'm like well I'm with friends

He looks at me, gives me his hotel room key and says I'm at XYZ hotel lose your friends in an hour and come meet me.

Sounded very good to me so I plead with the love of my life to drive herself home, even though its roughly 4 am and she doesn't live in lagos.

we text back and forth for a bit and then I force my lover's hand and she agreed so
I took an uber to meet my host.

Who was absolutely so sweet to me.
Offered me drinks even though I had had waay too much to drink and then took off his clothes and proceeded to give me the most miserable porn-esque sex of my whole entire adult life.

I had to tap out and tell him we could try this tomorrow because -someone telling you they want to split you in two does not sound sexy AT ALL.

and I kinda think he meant it.

Also the sex was Zero.
 zero technique.
Zero finesse.
Zero everything.


And I feel awful because we had such good conversation the morning after and when he looks so good on paper
but beloved, I was glad to see the end of that.

Anyway I'm gisting my home girl when he is like why didn't you let him know

I'm like- ehn let him know what?
and she was l

So at 1am I drafted a very pleasant email with many stories but koko was that - his penis was too beautiful for his stroke game is scatter the whole thing and that he strikes me as a fast learner and I'd be willing to carry out reviews and so he should hit me up when next he is in town.

I am a terrible person but there is woman out there who'd thank me immensely for this stroke tutorial email.

whoever you end up being- chanel earrings are  a good way to say thanks!

Thanksgiving ramble ramble ramble

My exam was good.
waayyy better than I expected.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and start prematurely accepting congratulations.

That being said, it was thanksgiving and I had dinner with my married friend and his girlfriend.

I have never met a woman more delusional in my life. Or rather more willing to risk it all for this love business.

I wish I could have told her- sis, LOL.
But instead I was like I wish you both the best.
I might not be a lot of things, but Imma fast learner. Not gonna loose another friend over their partner choices even if its rubbish.

That being said.
I turned 30 a few weeks ago and I still haven't had a party. Thinking of having one in december but ya girl is on a budget and has a trip coming up so no need to burn through cash.

I'm thankful for my family. Like they actually love me. I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful for my friends. I watched a snippet of the documentary and I felt so overwhelmed with love and they all said such wonderful things about me. It was so sweet.

I know I will need to do friendship pruning as I enter this new szn, but for some reason I'm stressed out about it. But not really. like I know it will be okay. I've always always always been there for my friends and that came across so strongly during the documentary that I was like okay.

Talked to a friend of mine and she said something that rattled me to my core. I am definately using 2019 to put myself first irrespective of how terrible I feel.
I started and surprise- people found alternatives.
Its so funny how adaptable people are once you get out of the way.

I stopped speaking to Hercules.
and to be honest. I don't think he is taking it very well.
He saw me on the road and flipped me off.
I was actually very surprised. It's really unlike him.
I would have hoped that we could have remained friends but *shrug*
when I say friends, I know you my readers know that the benefit is silent but very present.


That being said I slept with someone else and meh.
Well I had slept with them once but I was drunk drunk and my memory was fuzzy so it made sense to go back and try it again and LOL. I can think of a million better ways to spend my 3 minutes.
but in his defence he is a such a good kisser.

I am thankful for kisses.

I'm thinking of a man free december.
More like a people free december.
Just me myself and I.

I'm implementing that. I liked how off the grid I was while prepping for my exams.
I'm thinking of starting meditation as well. 21 days 10 minutes and prepping for the marathon next year.

I used to run when I was much younger ( think 12) while in QC and then I had my surgery and did not finish physio and sha sha I'm going back to running. Pretty excited about prep and practice.
I hate that I haven't done my body and cant start with the bridge. so sad.

But on the upside I'm signing up to a gym and I'm gonna be training there well just bootcamps really while I run 3 times a week. Looking for stronger legs to commence my pole play with.

I mean actual pole not penis.

I have a date lined up next week that I absolutely want to ditch. Like I wanna not show up and I know the reason why I do not want to go is because my aunty wants me to go so badly.
While I am not averse to being hooked up, I wish the quality of men were much higher.

And I do not say this lightly. a good number of the men people always want to hook people up with - dem no too dey try. and also they are rather ambitious widdit. Like sis this man is not fit to touch the hem of my garment on any level.
Please.

But because aunty ( mothers friend) so it is not like I'm rude. I'm going to suck it up and go.
But I've told myself that I'm not making any plans if he is going to be doing all that- so what do you want to do business. Imma be unavailable for a wavering mind.

Actually I really don't want to go because I know this such a waste of my time. Like I'd rather watch paint dry. than go. but obligationssss.

One more group I'm thankful for this year is my glam squad. shout out to the dressmakers. my nail girl. my hair plug. yall got a girl looking cuteee all year round.

I liked this year a lot. It was kinda like an inbetween famine and excess year but so many things to be thankful for.

Looking forward to 2019 wholly.

Currently

Listening 

Non stop to this because. Maxwell is the OG lover boy.

Turn around and look and see what you been missing

Look behind you and put on your glasses, forward vision

Maybe one day we'll be more than we were way, way back when

Maybe then they'll listen

Maybe then the world will understand

As an aside, has anyone spent her employers hours imagining what sex with Maxwell will be like? Or that is just me?

Reading

ALL THE SEX DIARIES ON THE CUT.
They are basically a week in different people's sex lives in NYC. Why isn't anyone doing that in Lagos? It's pretty much Sin city.
You can read them here

Watching

What I eat because ya girl is doing another whole 30. Also seems to be working because last time I swung by hercules for a quick mid day stint, he said " ah complete 30 you are looking peng". Today is day 30 and I am looking forward to my first drink.


Getting

Comfortable with my career trajectory. Was having a had time accepting it but I had a meeting with my sales team and they gave me a round of applause. And I'm like monetize it bitches.

All up in my feelings.
Someone who I became very good friends with as a result of Eros's and I relationship is getting married, and he has invited me repeatedly. I'm like pass. I don't wanna run into Eros. Also I'm studying.

Thinking

of how grateful I am, to finally turn 30 and everything I have  and how thankful I am to be living this life I got. I've never been one to think your past determines how your life trajectory, is going to be and I'm thankful for that mindset.

How blessed I am that my boss was willing to give me a chance. and now I'm killing the role.  and I have no idea why, but I'm so thankful.

How effective the No 2 bad day rule is for building consistency in life.

Is there any need to write a 30th birthday post?

Feeling

My post whole 30 body.
Saw my friend over the weekend and she could not believe my waist line.
She think's its all the sex I'm having, she doesn't know I'm a star fish.

My short nails.

My 8 week old braids. I know I know. I've had braids in for 8 weeks now, and they look 2 week old.
And no I do not use hairnet to sleep.


Missing

My French Lover. ( I know, I know).
and all my free time because all I do now is STUDY.

Hoping

The documentary goes as planned. I'm nervous AF.

update

Between Whole 30, This documentary, The birthday Photoshoot. Work. Writing my Tiny letters and studying for my exams. I don't even know how I have time for dick appointments.

But I do.

We need to be mindful the prayers we say because God hears us and answers us.
Case in point me praying to God to get Hercules out of my life because I needed to study and then boom. He is gone.

Well kinda gone.

Or when I prayed to God to make me more forgiving then I ran into one of my former home girls who acted so irrationally and the next time I saw her I went over to say hey and she blanked my existence; So only naturally when she came to say hi at the party I saw her at, I laughed in her face and told her to get the fuck out of my sight.

Then I prayed to God for a better chance at forgiveness, and then I ran into someone who I had an immense crush on, but pulled out my chair in primary one and I fell down. So when he came over to introduce himself to me, I forgave him instantly. But not without reminding him first.
He was adult enough to accept that it was probably the sort of thing he'd have done in primary school.
We laughed and I took his number.

If my chi is as good as she has been, he'd probably be better sex that my most recent now gone penis.

Funny story about Hercules, last week we were together, and he got sick. Like sick sick, I called E, who is a doctor at like 5 am because he was running a temperature and shivering and I was panicked. I ended up taking the day off work to look after him till he got better, got on my phone and realized that it was my wedding anniversary- got into a funk and I let him think it was because I spent all my free time looking after him.

I know I am a terrible person.

E messaged me to ask- is this still just sex?

I tell her yassssss.

Hercules sort of understands my coping mechanisms and does not ask for too much while bringing me home cooked meals and consistently providing triple A sex game. He is sweet. But will be madness to even consider him for anything more. He has the emotional range of white and blue dunlop slippers.

Back to the anniversary. I am relieved I can finally start divorce proceedings, because for the life of me, I have been unable to even contemplate actually dating someone with this baggage. Everyone says like it's not a big deal, and maybe it isn't but because I'm wired to wrap up one thing before I start another thing. I am really really pleased.

My French Lover moved back to Bordeaux on Saturday. We were out on Friday and we had drinks, well he and my friends did, I drank water and then he got wasted so I sent him home. The next day we had tea at some art gallery and it was very bitter sweet, not the tea, us hanging out.
 He told me about his ex girlfriend who wanted to quit her job and move to be with him in Nigeria and he broke up with her because he didn't like her that much. I shrugged, so he asked me about ex boyfriends.
I told him I do not have exes as I do not date much.
Really?
Yes Really.

We wrap up tea, he takes lots of photos of me, I should have offered to drive him to the airport, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered to spend any more time with him.


A lot of people have started asking if I will consider dating one person exclusively again. I tell them I have no idea. I'm not very impressed with the men I've come across.
Not saying they aren't good. They just are not good enough FOR ME.


Honestly.
If anyone meets men, It's me. my friends can not believe how often I meet them and how much sex I have. But the catch is that, I barely like these men. I know I really should give them a chance to disappoint me first before I write them off completely but abeg. Better the end of a matter, especially when you can already see the end.

On Sunday I finally get around to writing down the 2019 life I want. And for the first time in a long time I allow myself to consider the possibility of  actually getting married again.  And I did not realize this until I referred to my marriage to Eros as my first marriage. Hercules pointed it out to me.

Anyway so I write down what I want and I also include qualities I'd like in a partner. At the top of that list is American passport. The second item is filthy rich.
whatever I already married for love once before.

I dress up and attend my friends wedding on Sunday evening and it is so nice to see everyone  I haven't seen in ages.
And I meet a boy who gives me flowers.
Usually when I meet men I ALREADY KNOW. what I plan to do with them.
Like I can assess if this is a No go for me. if this is a yes to sex situation. But I am never ever feeling like a lets see how it goes. Or willing to go with the flow. ( because only dead fish go with the flow); and also because at almost 30, it'd be madness to go want to see how things go.


Anyway I feel very lets see how it goes about the boy.
I also haven't replied any of his messages.

Today, I got asked out on a date by a writer, who I think will kill to fuck me. But doesn't realize that I'm not being long, I'm just uninterested in all that power play. So I rescheduled till 4 weeks later. He seemed confused. A month? I tell him I'm worth the wait.


My birthday documentary is coming along pretty well. I'm shooting everything on Sunday; the photos and the interviews as well. I'm pretty excited about how that is going to turn out. I have looked forward to 30 for so long its finally here and I might have a bout of destination blues. I mean these damn exams are not allowing me flourish tbh.

Speaking of exams, they are literally a month away and I'm feeling pretty good about them.
I'd be on vacation in January when the results come out anyway so fingers crossed I'd be celebrating for real for real then.

I am at a sweet spot life wise, and I don't know if I should stay where I'm at or get up and go. But go where?

Hmnn.

Looking forward to my holiday in December because I have earned it. Been in Lagos ALL YEAR.

Birthday Project

decided to stop calling my birthday documentary a Vanity doc and started calling it a birthday project.

First of all, this thing is expensive.
I've called in all the possible favors I can possible call in
and it's still expensive,

Do you know I need a stylist, a make up artist, a photographer, videographer, a director, a creative director to set the tone of the documentary, a second videographer.
I need to make food available for all my guests and vendors
Need to buy balloons for the shoot
need to get a speaker as well.

There is A LOT of work that goes into this.

I think I feel like I have bitten more than I can chew, but at the same time I'm like "whats the worst that will happen"

I have a new found respect for creatives who go out on a limb and do things like produce documentaries.

Anyway pretty excited, meeting with the creative director who is in the mix re: conversation above. and he seems pretty pleased.
Might be having a mini sleep over as well. but I think I need to start running or at least doing some exercise for my abs.

Will def be having a screening party once this is done.

Vanity Doc

So for the big 30. I'm getting a documentary made.

Its a very very big vanity project but its something I'm looking forward to.

while speaking to the person who will shoot and direct it, we spoke about themes and people who I'd want to interview and all that and I asked casually " do you think I should ask my ex husband to send in a clip?"

and he was like- Do you people speak?
and I'm like - lol nah, but he is someone who was in my life for 10 years.
it'd be odd to do a whole ass doc and just erase him.
and he said to me: You have to simplify your life.

And I'm like cool.

I mean if Eros asked me, I'd be like FUCK NO. But what is so strange is that someone who has been such a huge chunk of your life just vanishes. It's weird.

I mean I have other love interests that have morphed into friends that are going to either send in clips or be in the vide, but I am pretty excited about it.

Like I am looking forward to working on this project. Picking out the accompanying music; just getting the questions I will have the contributors answer, the friends I am going to ask to speak.

The tears I'm going to cry just watching it when it's done.

I am not looking forward to how much it will cost sha.

but I'm excited can you tell?

I have visions of an opening montage of me at my first birthday and zoom to my 10th and so on and just random casual videos of us dancing in the club and having a blassst.
I can not wait.

Also if you have random candid videos of you and I send them to me.

they just might make the cut.

Gold

I met this french boy on Bastille day in Lagos and we planned to meet up the next day during the day but that turned into a night thing.

While we were out, he was asking " getting to know you questions" and I was like
" are you trying to fuck me? or get to know me?, because I'm confused".

and he responded

"L'un n'empeche pas l'autre".

This loosely translates to " one does not prevent the other".

Fast forward to last week, I spent some time at his in his place and he asked me if he could call me Or.

I was like nope.

And he said, but in french it means Gold.

And I'm like that's sweet BUT, it's still not my name.

Oyibo people are interesting but I make sure he calls me by my full name abeg. 

No power

Also people keep asking me what the deal is with us and  I'm like "lets ignore the fact that he is coming to see me this weekend and I'm going back to see him and we are attending a wedding together and call it a fling".

Ps: I also managed to get me an Indian toaster.

So you can call me united nations. I won't be mad at all.

Alexa, play bad habits by Maxwell

And as I got dressed for work this morning, I looked at my sex partner (who we are going to refer to as  Hercules from now by the way because it seems like he is here to stayyyy)  and said

you are not good for me. I have to cancel you.

He looked at me and said same. then made a big X sign with his hands in the air.

followed by, so see you later tonight?

Me: Yeah I'll let you know.

Anywaayyyyy I did the adult thing and had a conversation explaining and setting out my terms of relations with Hercules and he accepted.  which really was that I am not interested in doing any heavy emotional lifting but I am available for casual sex and will be willing to do a minimum of TWO group hangouts with him a month( he seems obsessed with carting me around town), not my cup of tea to be honest. but it was a compromise I was willing to make.

I also mentioned that I would be unavailable for the next few months because I have exams I need to read for. so our sessions will be limited.

Last term was that I do not need him being crazy when he see's me with other men out because you knowwwww, ya girl is single. he agreed. Sorta. (said his friends were off limits)
Which is interesting because I've been on two dates with one of these off limit friends. ( I know I know, but in my defense I gave my word to my friend before I agreed to the terms!)

Beloved, we had been having an unreal amount of glorious sex, THEN I had a crazy experience with him which spooked me for a hot minute and then its back to ignoring his messages and  fucking in restaurant bathrooms.

Smh.

I know. Smh.

Anyway that aside, my friend said she hated that I wasn't dating.
I looked at her like- WHAT? I have no free nights. I'm always out on dates.
she said" with men you know you'd never seriously consider"
me: Like they are dead on arrival?
her: exactly.

to be honest. I haven't even considered seriously dating. Like It's not even something that is on my mind at the moment.

So its strange how everyone keeps talking about how I need to be serious with it.
Ps: ALL the people who tell me this are single.

I am happy with where my non existent dating life is. because there is no shortage of men.
Which is terrible because you'd assume that because everyone complains. there are no men.
Beloved. there are men.

the quality of sex is what I can not vouch for.

I am thinking of picking up a sport. I have been thinking of squash. The friend of Hercules invited me to come watch him play on sunday in apapa club. And I'm like hmnnn.

Last time I went to watch anyone play a sport was sugar baby and soccer.
So you know, I said we'll see.

or Maybe running, but this one that they have started seeing snakes in my estate, that is out of the question.

Its august and I'm kinda pleased with how my life is currently panning out.

Kinda. 

Hercules

You guys know I was screaming at the top of my lungs about this popping sex I was having.

and you know if I was telling you, I was telling everybody who cared to listen.

So my homeboy who was outta town called me for a work favor.

I take the opportunity to casually mention, that you know, me and sex boy are done.

This idiot says to me:

Look, your people management skills are poor. infact they are terribly non existent. 

How can you be having the best sex of your life and you can't manage to keep him around?

Me: err

Him: It's a shame I was looking forward to meeting Mr Hercules Penis.

Me: You are a goat, and I'm gonna block you.

Update

Third and probably final installation of my little sexcapade.


I felt my partner might have been getting a bit too involved and I had to remind him that I was not in the market for anything more than what we had.

I do not think he took it well.

Actually he didn't because we said we should cancel our hook up session after he tried to bait me into having a fight about nothing.


And I said okay.

so why has my darling been calling me, round the clock? and messaging me? and sending me voice notes?

I think he is surprised I am ignoring them.
but to be fair.
All I want is good sex with minimal emotional labor.

the reason I had to remind him that we were not anything concrete was that he had spent friday night dragging me around Lagos and I kinda wasn't interested.

Oh ALSO, one of his friends invited me and him as a Unit - Unit because the word couple gives me hives- to dinner at his house. And that really freaked me out.

Because ya girl is not emotionally mature enough to know how to be friends with the men she has causal sexual relations with.

So I might have panicked.

I mean I knew this whole thing was going to end, I just didn't think it'd end with him trying to literally finesse me into ship of sorts.

Also I just realized how difficult it is to get a reaction out of me, these days.
Like I was uninterested.
Me 3 years ago would have written an essay trying to convey, poorly mind you, how and why I hate certain actions.
But now, I'm just like "Okay".

In the words of Kanye west, you can either leave or live with it.
There is no need for non stop deliberation on issues that will never change.

That being said.
I will miss having such delicious sex.

Like hayyyy.
My vagina is heart broken.

Ice ice baby

Do I come across as cold?
I mean I figure a good number of my readers have followed me for donkey years and they'd know if I was a cold person or nah?

So since all good things come to an end or at least get a break; I got my period over the weekend putting paid to all the delicious sex I have been having.
Now since I am an idiot, and not very adulty I kept avoiding my sexual partner, because casual period sex for me- issa no no.

Anyway after insistent messaging, I gave in and decided to see him after my day.

And since there was no sex to be had, we had to have conversation.
And so I mentioned that I had been married before and I have an ex husband and I am technically still married because my divorce isn't concluded yet.

And he was like oh. Is that why you are cold?

I'm like excuse you??!

Anyway I rolled my eyes and he starts to explain about how sometimes we might be talking on the phone and I abruptly get off the phone. Or how I shut down conversation regarding myself, and how I'm always so tight lipped.

And so I asked,  " does this Ice seep into the sex?"
He said no
and I said, we are done here.

If the sex is warm what are you worried about?

Also is it rude to tell someone who might possible like you, and who you do not like much but enjoy having sex with them that, you just wanna have sex with them indefinitely?

Because beloved, I'd hate to loose all this prime sexing over a little imagined ice.

PS: I had someone coming from America and instead of ordering sanitary towels like I usually do, I ordered 4 dozen condoms.
If I am not finished, I have no idea what I am.
*whispers under breath* I am not finished in Jesus name

Lets talk about sex baybee

So guys.

I have been having the most delicious sex of my life.

With the absolute worst person I can even ever imagine.

Like if this is not a catch 22. I do not know what it is,

You know when something is clearly bad for you but is so good so you are just like yah- fuck it?

Exactment.

I was telling my friend that this sex is the single  most delicious sin that Jesus Christ died for.


Now this presents two problems for me.

1-I think my boy is already catching the feelings and
2- I did not think this my clandestine hotel popping behavior through properly.

and your girl is unwilling to actually go to his house because- eek.
Actually since I gave up men and the concept of relationships; I stopped going to men's houses.

And I think I am about to break that.

Don't have sex outside marriage kids.  It will ruin you.

But in a good way because when you get into childs pose at yoga, you feel a twinge in your innner thigh and you smile.

Also, I'm not a huge kisser.  This stems from ( nvm will talk about that later). but I have def not been a big saliva swapper, especially casually.

But beloved. being kissed all over every where has never felt this good.
and how is it at almost 30, that I figure I might have been kissing all wrong?

The kisses are like learning a new language in  first person real time, only me only now. everything ceases to exist.

Beloved. this is the sex that the M&B authors speak off. The sex is seamless. The banter is LIT. There is such comfort that I'm like OMG OMG OMG.

And this is an unreasonable amount of sex, I only just realized this when I looked through my dwindling stash of condoms, that I'm running up some serious mileage on my vagina.

Anyway I realized that this might be a problem for me when I found myself driving down to my house at 5:20am without underwear from an impromptu sex session.

But this is a problem I welcome with open arms.

I was talking to my friend about it and he said, you have sex with someone three times in one week sis you are in a relationship.

Me: Yes with his penis.

Now back to the person who I am having this glorious sex with.

He is physically, not my type. I do not have a type, but if I did it won't be him.
Conventionally he is unattractive and lives a very alte lifestyle that doesn't really agree with me.
And he has these weird ass friends, that he keeps trying to get me to hang out with in the strangest places.
And quite frankly- I can't stand him.

None the less, the energy between our bodies might be visible to even the most un-discerning because, I was leaving the club on Saturday night with someone else AND he stopped by to hug me.  Someone pulled me aside and said : I hope you aren't fucking that guy.

And I lied.

I think that was the first time I realized that maybe this thing might be stressful.
Like why did I lie?

I mean, I'm single, I'm allowed to be sleeping with who ever I want and here I am having the most delicious sex and i'm lying about it.

And I have been thinking about why I lied, and I'm coming up blank.

Ps: I met someone who might just be a thing.
pss: not the sex boy
psss: How can I bottle this delicious sex and make it last so perfectly?
pssss: I realise that It might seem like I am exaggerating, but beloved, I do not even have the worlds to accurately describe the perfection that these sessions are.
psssss: It gets better. the sex. every time is better than the last. It makes no sense.

Currently

Listening non stop to

Baby all these nights

I've struggled and fought my pride

scared that someone your type

couldn't see past my flaws.

Reading

Kitchen confidential,

It's a tell all that Anthony Bourdain wrote. The first and arguably the best of  the 20 something books he wrote.

Thinking

about a lot of things. 

Top of the list is if I want to continue fraternizing with someone I know who does drugs ( recreationally)

- about if I should retake these exams, because preparation is so time consuming.

-If I should get a brazilian this week OR wait till next month when my wax girl comes in from 

Abuja?

- of what color of nail polish to get done.

Celebrating

-Answered prayers from God.

My home girl had this issue and I had prayed and prayed and prayed and I put it on my list for halleluyah challenge and prayed ehn. Today she messaged me that it had come through. RELIEF.

My other friend had been writing ICAN forever, literally.  Today too, she told me she had passed the exams. I was so happy.

- My potential booty call on friday.

- Waste his time wednesday (issa movement)

- My new role, I actually really like it. I'm working. I mean teething problems with my boss but never have I been happier to over promise and leave them to take what they get like that. :)

Match Makers R Us.

Sparingly Occasionally  I hook my friends up with men and women who I think will make a wonderful couple.

I also have introduced 2 couples that have gone on to get married.

So yeah I think I am a good judge of xter and what goes and what doesn't.

Anyway I have a friend who I introduced to one of my home girls from QC, who also doubles as a patriarchy princess.

Which isn't a bad thing, she doesn't want to give anyone her money but she will wash plates and do all the domestic lifting. Sounds like a stupid stance, but I'm big on live and let live.

Last week the boy messaged me and said your friend said she has no interest in contributing financially to anything ever.

Off course I say nothing to him because I know that this boy LOVES, being pampered- he is awon, this girl said she liked me and didn't send me food or come and cook for me- and loves to pay for shit. so I'm thinking yeah. whatever.

Then SHE, hits me up and is like please I don't want him to think I'm independent because I'm not about that life at all.

Now my friend is stunning. Like she is a very good looking but for some reason can't seem to find her someone who is the one.

Now because I know all the men in Lagos are looking for a domestic goddess I'm like it can't be that hard to settle on one man, since you seem to fit the spec, and she is like nah she doesn't understand it.

Also she told me of someone she was supposed to go on a date with, but he had a car problem and was trying to suggest she picked him up, and she said- she could not because she would have been too irritated the whole date.

Ps, my girl is not broke by any standard o, she has an MBA from one of the ivy league schools in America and works a very good job.

But I wonder what makes you so unwilling to part with money when you have excess.
I asked her and she said it's when men have free money that they get up to no good.

I didn't want to tell her.

I've always been one of those people who when they want something, they find ways around it, and I could swear she was one of those as well, so imagine my surprise when I found out that she told the guy  that she wasn't interested in helping her husband pay rent.

I had to ask her, if he had asked to marry her? because Forward much?

As an aside, I think both of them will actually get along very well. she fits his aesthetic as him her.

Actually I'm wholly rooting for both of them.





 

Growth

This post has me in stitches.

I failed my exam I spent the last few months slaving for. This time though, I did not spend any time in my office bathroom crying.

Instead I took a day off and drank champagne because that is what I planned to do when I got the result.
My mother came home and was like - ah, see the person I'm feeling sorry for enjoying her life.


If the last few years have taught me anything, is that life goes on. and on and on. ( and also my sugar baby reminded me this in the sweetest sweetest sweetest response to one of mu Tiny letters)

I will retake the exams in November, but this means I have to cancel my vacation to America because I need the leave days.

As you can imagine that is the most stressful thing for me.

Anyway I am seriously thinking about moving countries. A friend of mine is moving to cotonou and I'm like hmnnn. Maybe that won't be a bad idea.

My uncle think's I'm at a cross roads. I had been feeling like it bit him saying it sort of crystallized it for me.

What am I running to? what am I running from?
Where am I trying to be with my life in the next few years.

I told him I was thinking of getting another passport and he said if I wanted one just for ease of travel, the costs of marrying for a new passport is too high for the benefit.
If there is anyone I'd listen to, it's him. he has been unhappily married as long as I can remember.

And he is also one of the few men, who dud not stress me when I split from Eros.

I went to a party on Saturday and I think I'm over this Oyibo boyfriend life I'm looking for.
They can keep the craziness.
Imma pass.

I miss This girl so so so much. It is unreal how much of my social life revolved around her.

Also it is nice when people understand you straight away. I hate spending so much time having to repeat my self because these people don't understand.

That being said. I am thankful.
And even more thankful that I did not have to go away to become thankful.

Thinking of going somewhere for the long holiday. in august, but I wonder where I should go.

FINESSE

I am actually the queen of finesse, so when I got this job  last year I was like meh.
Long story short I loads of issues with the people I worked with.

Like one kept trying to get me fired.
He'd send stinker emails behind my back to HR in SA requesting them to move me talking about how I was dragging his team back.

Long story short.
I started talking to HR in SA separately. I spoke to people on a different team I followed up with people in the new group I wanted to work with and got a pulse of what they lacked. THEN I put a plan in motion and started underG.

I was terrified BUT there was no way I was not going to move.
Anyway long story short, today I got annouced for a new role that did not exist.

Like I created the role, convinced HR I take a risk and hire me AND then the guy who was trying to get me fired, had to announce the move today.

YOU GUYS I AM SO HAPPY.

MY HEART IS SO FULL I CAN ACTUALLY CRY.

I did not even realize how much I was holding out for this.

I'm so thankfullll.

and so happy
and so elated.

Now to work so hard, I will be sent to Thailand by my office for the global retreat.

As I said finesse is my middle name.

Are you okay and other stories.

The last few months have been difficult for me.
Not in the I'm broke way but when you count the cost of an task to undertake but you some how skip out the emotional cost.

I am always there for my friends.
Among my MANY redeeming qualities; this is at the TOP of the list.

And I do not even say this to toot my horn, but if you are my friend, I will go to war with you.
It's how I've always been.
Fiercely loyal and dependable.

So being unable to be there for people in my life because of the task at hand was hard. And not even in an ego way but hard in a, I'm so sorry I can't be there for you more way. but I need to get these exams done.

Anyway anthony bourdain is dead. He was 61 and committed suicide.

I almost started crying when I saw it. I'm almost still crying.
It is awful

One of my newer male friends who is a freelance journalist wrote for his parts unknown.
Like its crazy.
I want to reach out to everyone I know and be like

ARE YOU OKAY? Tell me talk to me

I am so sad about his death
I was having a shit day and now this.

Now usually I'd have gone to Ikoyi club this evening to have a drink and talk about how awful this is, but my partner has moved.
Crazy, she writes about going through it  in real life and popping off on social media here
While all my lives are connected, I understand that people live separate lives and seek solace in them.

But a lot of my friendships are those " real life, chill at home real life living"

Eric who was bourdain's best friend who also was the one that introduced his wife Octavia to him was the one that found him dead in his hotel room in france.
He just finished shooting parts unknown in Hongkong.

To say I am shook is an understatement.
I hope my friends are okay.
I know it's trying times now but this too shall pass. And when it does It will be a glorious day.

Kindess. Faith. Love. Excited

Last night, my mum came to see me because we hadn't caught up in a minute.
And she said I wasn't kind anymore.
I told her, I just started putting myself first and all of you are sad that I'm not running around for you people again.

She seemed surprised.
My family is very ungrateful. But I guess that is what kindness is, helping even when the response is ungratefulness.




Everyone but most especially Yorubae, tells me to have faith.
Incase you are wondering these are about my exams.
To give you a little context on how that went, It's been two weeks and I am still having nightmares. Literal wake up shaking nightmares.
I have never been this scared in my life.
But shey faith is the substance of things hoped for.
I am even afraid to hope.
Hoping which is free and costs nothing, and I am afraid
but we move still. steady proclaiming success and planning for the next level




I went to brunch yesterday with someone I met and I have known for like 2 -3 years. So it was pretty casual and laid back till he placed his hands on my knees and stared at me, making eye contact and said you are very beautiful.

I am taken aback. Not because I am not beautiful, I am very beautiful.
but because it was just such a heavy moment and I'm not very comfortable with heavy moments
I think I visibly flinched, or smiled and broke eye contact. I think he realized that he was doing too much and chilled.
I remain eternally grateful.

I stopped by at my friends house to try out a drink he is creating and he said
" I think you only pick men that you can already see have dead ends"
I said okay Dr Phil. You only know one person
He says " one too many".

Also my mother doesn't want me dating white men because she said " They can't fuck women".
I sniggered. and said okay.
The less she knows- the better.
But just to clarify, this is untrue.
Also she says to me , You are so intelligent, I do not think I know anyone as intelligent as you.
Me: stopp
her: I do not say this to flatter you, you are one of the most hardworking most intelligent people I know, I tell you things that happened when you were 3, 5 and you remember.
Me: *starts crying*



I am super excited to return to my social life.
All my friends have moved away which means I either need to make new friends or ride it out solo.
I miss my friends. I think it is unfair that everyone upped and left.
I mean I know it is for a better life, and it makes me so mad that you are Nigerian and there is no life to be lived in your country.
Its crazy.

Update

I keep getting little signs that maybe I am on the right track,

Just maybe,

Antsy

Anxious.
Unsettled.

These aren't feelings I have in my life but lately.
*sigh*
I don't even understand it.
I usually thrive during examination prep, I might complain it but I lowkey love it,
but lately; man.

I just feel so off.

I have no idea what is going on.

I'm thinking of quitting I need a sometime to get my life together.

Reading.

Even though I should really be reading my books, I'm approaching that hump in studying so I'm doing lots of non academic reading.

Anyway.

I read this article today and my God.

THIS

My God.

Couldn't love him more even if I tried.

Ps: why are you not subscribed to my tiny letters yet?

Reminder

The secret of success is constancy of purpose.

I moved jobs last year because I was burning out and the sort of life I would have wanted to live with Eros would have been difficult if not impossible with those hours.

And also because I wanted more money.

I did not get as much money as I thought- because as with money; usually the importance wanes once you cross a threshold. ( I mean no one ever has enough money, but you get my point), I found out that I had crossed a threshold a long time ago for money. My core needs are limited to fuel. and travel.

I do not live with Eros anymore and thus there is no need for the purpose of navigating double unit living arrangement.

I also thought I was burning out and needed to slow down; while I love the idle life; it's not purposeful enough for me.

The happiness you are searching for comes through reflecting on the worthy aims you are dedicated to achieving and then taking action daily to advance them.

And that is what I need to remind myself every time I feel overwhelmed with studying and panicking that I might fail the exams.
Even though I'm studying.

I started getting job offers that would have made so much sense if I was interested in staying the course of my old career track. I was telling my ex-co-worker that I ran into that I had to turn down all these offers, he said to me" Now is the time for those offers, you weren't ready then", and to be honest, I still do not feel very ready.

But back to purpose of working. I have always been someone with exemplary organizational skills. Highly emotionally intelligent and such a sweet soul that it only made sense that I do something along those lines eventually. I'd love to retire into academia and teach part time and publish white papers. and so on and so forth 

Long story short is that I'm switching careers; writing these exams; going through all this stress because the work that I do has to be value adding and I am ready to make money. A lot more money than I currently make.

Also because I miss ball bursting work.
And all the pleasure I found in it.

My friend, who is a real estate developer, stopped by my office to see me today, since the hours will be bloody, he said " you are moving back to stress"
And I'm like " Maybe, maybe not", And if I hate it so much I can always just get another gig that will be lax like this.

He said you have a point.

and I came back to my desk to scour the web as I am less busy and came across this post about this girl who worked a whole year in a light fixture factory and got a masters in accountancy so she could get a job in the company of her dreams.

That was all the light I needed to know that I should fashion myself towards the light of flexibility of goals.

Actually I have to pass these exams, because one of you people's daddies offered to get me the job if only I'd sleep with him; anyway so now I have to wait till I get the exact damn job and run into him in the elevator and shame him.

Rubbish.

In conclusion:
I'm writing these exams because I want a new job in a new field; and because I know no other way to get where I'm going than through hard back breaking work peppered with sleepless nights etc etc etc.

Easter weekend

If you know me in real life, then you would know that one of my oldest friends got married over the weekend.

It was such a delightful time.
PHC wasn't ready.

Ended up in tears as I got into lagos and just got so overwhlemed by the madness that is lagos.

While Portharcourt is exactly london- It was such a well deserved vacation for me
So I go to get my car from my uncle
and he texts me on monday when I do not go and see him because I have no emotional bandwidth to deal with him "Thanks. Reassuring you don't know everything after all. Was beginning to think you were omniscient!"

I have a break down because I'm overwhlemed, I miss class on Sunday and THAT is what one of the closest men to me thought to text me.

For context, my uncle is maybe 57 or so so he has at least 25 years on me. AND SEE THE TYPE OF TEXT HE SENT ME.

Because I am a sarcastic princess I reply " I’m glad you find pleasure in my down time. 😘😘😘"

and he doesn't get it instead he replies me " It's good to know you are normal and human after all"

I don't reply and I'm going to block him and never speak to him again.

I'm used to envy from people who are not close to me, or who are not privy to all the work I put in. Or even people who are friends with those who are beneficiaries to my good will.

But never from someone who I have so much respect for.
Men rarely disappoint me.
But I think I am honestly heart broken. Is there no safe space for me?
Answer is no.

Anyway so that happened.
I went to school.

I also find my friends who know I am preparing for exams immensely disrespectful that they keep complaining about my unavailability like I came to this world to wait on you hand and foot.

Like I have people messaging me how they can't wait for these exams to pass.
LOL
After the exams pass, I'm not going to even mingle with you.

I know I know.
I'm just generally upset.

But asides those two things.
Three more things

-T is back.
- T brought me fenty goodies
- Yorubae's sister bought me a strapless bra. ballerina flats and tassle earings all for 15 GBP.

my heart is full abeg.
still not buying anything, and i still have so many things.

It's the strangest thing.

Older people are so honest.
Between them and children I wonder which set is most honest.

Yesterday at my aunt's party one of my other aunt's older friends, saw me and said " oh you look so lovely, why didn't you come with your husband?"

And I'm like, Oh we aren't together anymore.

And she says " ah thats Good, I didn't like him much" - which is a general sentiment, but this is what threw me off, then she says " Ah God has answered your mother's prayer".

My mum is out of town but she needs to come and explain why me getting separated is an answer to a prayer she had been praying.

Also this older woman just continued, having a conversation; then she paused when she saw how stunned I was, and said oh don't be sad; my second daughter is happily remarried and now has twins.
Then she goes ahead to invite me to her birthday party upper weekend.

On my way to the party; my cousin joined me and we went to the to get dressed together.
In traffic my cousin looks at me and asks me" How did you get over your estranged ex husband"
I'm like Huh?
She said " You are so genuinely happy and living your life, I'm struggling to move on from my Ex and It's so difficult"
Me: I dunno. It's God I guess
Her: shut up, you don't even go to church.
Me: LOL, maybe time

Lots of people keep asking me IF, I did any particular thing to get over Eros.
I didn't.
I think what happened was that I had exhausted all the possible avenues to make it work and I honestly know that ( yes I know God can do anything); but that this was something even God wasn't interested in working out.
Simply put- Nothing could be done. So I guess it was somewhat easier to move on with my life.
Coupled with his delightful (now ex) girlfriend who reached out to have lunch with me.
Yeah that ship that sailed never to return.
So I told my cousin to pray. because I think that is always a good answer for these type of questions.
She called me out though, she said " I know you didn't pray"


Earlier in the day, I was at the hospital, and ran into my uncle, who said, ah you look so beautiful. Fastforward to later in the evening at the party, I bumped into him, with my full face beat and my hair held back and my stunning( No really I looked TAKE AWAY) dress; he says to me I don't like how you look. You looked so much better earlier today.
Me: Good thing you don't wear make up then.
Him: I'm joking you look lovely. Me: oh I know.
Please go and give your wife grief. Leave me alone.

As an aside, feels like most of my friends are struggling with the fact that 1- I have these exams
and 2- I'm not playing about the exams and so there for 3- I am unavailable.

I am so unavailable, I have people thinking I have a new man.
Please guys.
ya girl is single like a solitary grain of rice. Singleeee.

That being said I think I have a mini to do before 30 list.
Like 3 things.
Threw the old one away.
But this one is so "strange" I love it.

This is la familia

I'd explain later.

So my aunt's 60th birthday went well.
well as well as a party of that nature could have gone.
And it was so well attended. Like all her family showed up and showed out for her.
And it was so nice.
And I just realized I really like my family.

Back to books.

Abundance in tiny letters

I don't know if you noticed, but if you didn't and haven't;  I'm being intentional about my life and my 2018.
I wan't to leave 2018 with nothing.
Like I want it finished, I will not look back and think damn I should have done this.

That being said I've always wanted to be a writer.
I've loved the idea, and I writing has never felt as difficult as a lot of the other things I have had to do repeatedly- case in point buy a financial calculator instead of lancome foundation I really wanted.

See Writing doesn't give me the need to make these trade offs.

Anyway by the end of the year, I want to refer to myself as a writer - and not feel like a fraud and eventually repurpose some of that writing into a short self published book.
Maybe- maybe not.
But I will write.
So basically if you want to see what I am "writing" - here you go,
go ahead,
you know you want to click  THIS

Second,
Moving back home meant that I had to condense almost 3-4 years of cohabiting and all the things I had bought into one room.
I left a lot of things behind at the old house, BUT, I also brought so much with me.
And this year I decided not to buy any more clothes.
I am constantly giving away and taking only as little as I need from people " shout out to temmerz" and yet I'm still stuck with a significant amount.
The aim is to build a lean functional wardrobe, plus I really just wear what it is I like so it's not like I need to own that many clothes.

we are two thirds through march and the only thing I've bought this year is my home girls asoebi, a blouse to wear to her traditional wedding AND a black opal foundation.

Still can't see where my money is going sha.
Anyway long and short is that I am giving more and I have more.

My aunt is turning 60 on wednesday, so a bunch of people are staying at the house till the party. My mum is out of town so I'm forced to look after them AND attend the party. meh

one of the guests staying at my house was so surprised that I was home.
She said - what are you doing here- I was so confused, I was like- Oh I live here.
and she was so surprised. And I was surprised that she was surprised, where else will I be if I don't come home?

Anyway she keeps alluding to two things, 1- that I am really enjoying myself ( which is strange because duh) and two that there might be a scarcity of men.

First of all. There is nothing more in abundance in Lagos than men.
My friend faux T was telling me to enjoy the harvest because there comes a drought, and I'm like what?
At the risk of sounding like a pimpette ( lol), I have way too many men in my life to worry about scarcity.
And I think this is beginning to seep into all the other parts of my life. It's why I don't mind offering so much of my self to my loved ones, because it is only then that for some reason time is in abundance and we know there is nothing more finite than time.

It's almost counter intuitive, everything teaches you to grab and take and store away while, the reality is like manna, it's gonna go bad anyway if you store it up so you should only take what you need.
Do I love this; Yes will I always live along these lines- I hope so.
I really enjoy this tbh.

But somehow I don't think it is the same for love.
Maybe I have a confirmation bias.
I think love is finite, so you need to be superdupercareful with who you give your love to.

Also, I went on a date with Mr Guy from the streets.
I just need to point out that I honestly can't hack this dating life.
Like he was so sweet and so nice and then he told me " I like you and I want to be with you", and I thought to myself- YOU DO NOT KNOW ME.

Anyway in true me fashion, I don't take his calls anymore because, what do you tell someone who you have zero interest in but is somehow convinced in his mind that you are the one for him.
and if anyone cares: we saw a movie and went foundation swatching.

And since we are talking about boys,  you know the boy I really liked and was so excited about. So we stopped talking, then started talking and we hit a sweet friendship spot and I'm like oh lovely now I am friends with this boy we can live happily ever after in our perfect platonic friendship, when he messages me on sunday.

And I am like: -Smh. no winning with these men at all.

Ps: I haven't had this much of a flow re: blogging in a bit so I'm really enjoying it.
pss: School is school. I think I've settled into it fully.
psss: You know how I wanted to be celibate this year? OMG I can not wait for lent to end.
pssss: my body is literally at body goals now, I'm contemplating doing my birthday photoshoot from last year in like 3 weeks. LOL
psssss: Also my sister is an amazing interior decorator if anyone is looking for someone to do up their living space, please hola at my sister, she is  really the best.

On first dates

So quick background story

Yesterday I was in traffic tryna meet my girls 1pm dress fitting appointment because 1- I did not want to be late and 2- I did not want to be late and 3- I really wanted to be on time.

So here I am in traffic trying not to be late listening to music having a blast when I see someone either trying to enter the front of my car or something. I'm like whatever. I'm on the bonny camp bridge.

Fastforward to 5 minutes later I'm at the Onikan link road to Igbosere ( where the dress maker is) WHEN. this car parks infront of me and flags me down.

Now I'm slightly confused, It's HOT AF and I'm being stopped in the middle of the road, so I swerve Lagos style and the driver comes down. So I wind down my front passenger window and I'm like " yes?, can I help you?"

And he is like okay I don't think you can park here,
and I'm like yeah so did you want something?
And he says " Oh I just wanted to say hello and get your name"

And it occurs to me that this young man has just pulled me over, illegally parked his car, walked to my car in the sun to get my phone number.

As an aside: I looked a right mess yesterday. Like I don't even think I had my brows drawn on

I was bemused.

Anyway my bemused self said to him, oh thats why you came all the way?, I laughed pulled out one of my complimentary cards and said please send me a text I have somewhere I have to be. and drove off.

I was 5 minutes late to the meeting but the bride was 30 minutes late. I was actually the first person to get there. LOL.

So I tell everyone and they are like - does this still happen in Lagos?
and WHY ALWAYS YOU.

I swear I have no idea.

Anyway so this morning at 8am there are two missed calls on my phone. My lil boyfriend had called me.

I didn't know at the time, so I think it's someone who I'm supposed to meet with but I'm like can I call you back.

Which I do and he asks if I'm free today because he is free from 12 and would love to see me.

I'm thrown off because I'm like two things - one it's lent and two, I've given up men in 2018.

Anyway I'm talking to Yorubae, about how I wan't to cancel and vanish, and he is like but you had a good week so you should treat yourself.

So I say let me think about this and get back to you at 1pm. its 2pm I'm here writing this instead.

I have no idea what to do, usually people just say - do you wanna go see a movie, have lunch, grab a drink etc etc. but I never get to choose so when I said I'll get back to you I kinda meant like I'm never getting back to you.

If we had parks now shey I would have said we should go and sit there and chatted for a bit. Now none of that in lagos, so my options is to take him to one of my favorite lowkey resturants AND OR take him foundation swatching for me.

Beloved these are my first date choices.

Actually I can always just go see Gringo at silverbird with him but abeg.

I'm a clapper. at the movies.

So I think I'll just cancel.

Musing

I spend a lot of time
More than I ( or anyone who isn't a music producer really) should actually lying in bed and listening to music.
now whether I'm alone or with company with unimportant.

But occasionally I'm in someone's bed and I've hooked up my phone or ipod to their speaker and we are just lying there listening to music.

And it is the most delectible and delicious thing.
I'd just like there pulling the notes out of the air and adlib-ing.

When I become a sugar mummy full time, it will be in this zone that my sugar baby will get anything he wants if he asks.
Nicely.
Saying please.
and giving me a foot rub.

Anyway I'm going away to Portharcourt for my friends wedding and I think I might spend a good portion of my time sitting by the pool working, pretending to be working and real life studying, while I just listen to music and enjoy my life.

Before I come back to Lagos and start stressing about parking space and mad people driving on the road

Now my dresses are ready for the wedding.
My tailor is the best thing since sliced bread. no jokes.
She did a madness with my dress.

Back to Port Harcourt I am dreading going sans plus one. Everyone is going to have someone they are coming with and I am dreading that the bride will do something ridiculous like give me the bouquet. I think I will die. Like literally the ground will have to open up and swallow me die.

People keep thinking because I'm separated I hate weddings.
I love weddings. I actually enjoy them so much. If I was a braver person I would go to china and buy a pyrotechnic machine and come back and cash out massively.

But we all know I'm a coward.

Anyway I am excited to make it a vacation. My first one this year because again I woke up and decided to do a complete 180 career wise and for someone who never second guesses herself; I keep asking myself- is this really what you wanna do.

I was telling my mum that I am so over qualifications. That in the last 8 years I've managed to get a Bachelors, a Masters, and I'm on my second set of charter qualifications.

Look if after all of this I'm not a billionaire then I'm going to find a billionaire and marry the fuck out of him because I do not understand this shit.

But as I was writing this I got an email offer for a job suiting me to the T. Like this thing is so strange just when you don't want to do something again then it starts falling out of the sky. case in point. This job.

I didn't even reply.
The hiring team called me like hey, I sent you an email you did not respond.
And I told her I do not think this aligns with my career plans.

And in my mind, I'm like na me be this?
Turning down jobs?
Damn.

There is really nothing I'm not worthy of.

I am wearing the cutest black dress today it's a Zara medium I don't think I could fit maybe 3 months ago and now I can zip it up myself.
Although I think it's squeezing my boobs too much sha. but we will see.


I miss T so much

If he was in Lagos I'd be an orobo by now because we'd be eating our way through. Also he is coming to town month end with his girlfriend- FINALLYYY. I'm always so excited when my friends bring their girls to meet me.

My mum thinks I'm tying too much to my exams.
How could I not I think? She looks at me like meh.
I think she is playing too much with the things important to me.

This week has been good, I'm having the strangest set of dreams.
I am happy.
I fit into a dress I like.
I'm off to the library to do some reading.
I'm packing a swimsuit and getting a brazilian. for my vacation to PH.

What color to do my nails?
Thinking of a mini ghana road trip in June?
Eyeing my vacation to italy like are you gonna be possibleeee- Yas.

Currently

listening non stop to

I love this song.
I love Burna. But this song.
Damn, I love this song.

Reading

This book.
It is so good.
I read it into 1am and I am currently sleep deprived but damn. So good.
Please if you are less busy get into this.
If you are super busy.

Spending
My time: split between listening to my mum and I'm constantly in awe of how amazing she is. and preparing for exams.

My money: and a lot of it, for my exams.

Time I don't even have: Trying to see if I can squeeze in a mini holiday. ( I know I know)

Contemplating
if this emotional maturity is where it's at. because turns out I'm might be "guarded". whatever that means


Buying:
Nothing. okay only Eneni's asoebi and sewing it. And a blouse to wear for the traditional wedding.
and I have room for only one more clothing item purchase the whole year.

Hoping
for actual thorough healing. and the sense not to lie on my stomach when I sleep.

Wishing
Someone just actually buys me flippin' titanium bar bells.
and sunscreen

Urgh

You ever feel like you might have bitten off more than you can chew?

I love learning, I hate not knowing.

I decided early this year to write professional exams to faciliate my move into a new career path.

this meant two things- Bye bye to baby girl living

Spending all my savings on this exam

All my free time spent studying and taking classes

and the best one- learning from scratch because you decided to chart a new course in your life.

And I am overwhelmed.

Fully

But I know how uncomfortable my life currently is and how much better it can be if I moved houses at least over the weekend so I'm not struggling/dying in traffic daily when I use that time to be studying.

Anyway what this means is that I may have to move houses.

But I've used rent money to write the exams.

At the risk of sounding like a whiner.

I'm tayadddd.

But at the same time excited in class.

It's the strangest thing really.

People keep asking why do you want to do this and what if you don't like it.

LOL at this point I have two PHD's in starting over.

That's what I will do. start over if I hate it.
The end.

For now, send me prayers.

Coincidence

So.

on Sunday night I was scrolling through twitter when I saw a writer asking people to please buy his book.
so I go on kindle read a sample, I like it and I hadn't really read any gay chick lit.
so I bought it.

and didn't get any debit alerts on any of my bank cards.
I'm like hmmn will check this out.

I finish the book and decide to use my laptop to look through some more titles in the same vein, to see the ones to buy.

I see a few.
I buy one, it gets delivered to my kindle instantly but I get no debit alerts.

Strange.

I check the payment tab on my amazon account.
Turns out Eros's card is still linked to my amazon account.

I buy books until I get an email from amazon talking about there is an issue on my last order regarding my payment method aka. insufficient funds.

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous. Idc idc.

So I'm telling my friend and she is like wow- you are wild. what if he finds out?
me: How is he going to find out?
her: You bought books- that's how he is going to find out.
me: shrugs.

I don't care tbh.

also how apt that valentines day is on ash Wednesday?

Exceprts

"I enjoy you"

You'll get tired of me soon. I should ration myself  so I can seem more interesting for longer.

You worry about the wrong things.

Crush

I think I have a new shiny crush.

Don't send help.

Dear men

who are trying to sleep with me.

Please don't tell me you will get me the job of my dreams.

My career is super important to me.

Just offer me cash like the rest of your mates so I can tell you no.

Thanks.

Ramble Bramble

I woke up to a 3am message from someone I randomly used to talk to.

and I think I'm honestly giving up men in 2018.

Like all of you should just go with your wahala. \ALL\

It was not a bad message per say but actually Its a message I'd never send.
Like I sent it to my friend and she's like this is so sweet, I'm like- y'all are mad.

I had a cocktail at the house called the bramble and it was really good- If any of you Lagos people are looking for where to go and eat- The house is a good spot.

Spent the last two days battling cramps and my God I need to clean up my diet. I spent the last month eating like a piglet and drinking like a fish. my uterus was not pleased. A week into my period felt slightly discomforting but the day I got my period I couldn't sit upright. I had to take a drug that is not FDA approved.

couple this with the fact that I managed to jam my boobs with my car door. ( don't even ask).

Went to the hospital and the doctor looks at my boobs and is like-  When was your last period?
Me: Huh?
Him: I need to know that you aren't pregnant before I prescribe a drug for you.

Anyway I feel better now, thank you for asking.

I feel like my male friends are so invested in my dating life. it's the strangest thing.

I mean thanks guys but at the same time- LOL.

Also just read the wait. I feel like I should apply that to my job search and my career.
seeing as I am celibate anyway. ( and this is not as a result of lack of options)

I'm really tired of being the person who is a femme fatale. Actually I'm not.
I just hate all the men who on my radar.
so I'm throwing the whole thing away.

Nigerian Man

I had dinner with T and D and D's niece and Temi.

As usual T and his party was late

we were the last party to leave the restaurant and while we waited for D to get out of the bathroom,

T turns to me and says

"You are a Nigerian Man and there is no redemption for you"

I find that when people describe you as masculine as a female when it has nothing to do with your looks ( a la serena) it really just means that you are breaking out of the box they put you in.

I am as assertive as they come and I do not back down ever.

Now because I'm female I'm expected to be demure but I have decided to just go out and grab all the lives I can live with both hands.

Only men take. women are expected to be given and be grateful that they receive- never mind that it's not what you want.

As someone who has decided to live a full life. read as many books. research the back story of the break out star in the movie I totally adore ( #TheGreatestShowMan). possibly embrace cougar life (LOL).  I find that people are encouraged. Inspired.

There is a lot of if you can so can I vibes. I love it.

And I'm thankful that T thinks I'm a Nigerian man, because I interpret that to mean that I'm living life on my terms.

You know the way Nigerian men do.

but I have emotional intelligence to know that I should not be an asshole.

Also the food at Craft is good. I had such a wonderful time last night

Happy New Year !

I want to do a review but at the same time I'm like is there any need?

2017 was a good year. were there highlights? Too many

low places? a few.

But a good lesson I forced myself to learn was focusing on blossoming. Focusing on what was working.

The whole hack of life is not to focus your energies on tearing down the old but in building the new things.

And beloved- I'm keeping that energy in 2018.

I was talking to my friend and she said- yeah no you year, new me?

I said nah.

Yesterday I had lunch with the boy I liked, we had lunch on Friday and it was such a good time.

And surprisingly we saw the wedding party 2 and Jumanji together and it was such a fun outing.

Totally random. and while I was going to lie at home, Sugar baby calls me and invites me to dinner.

It's so nice to see him.

We should always be around people that who make us feel good. and whose company we enjoy.

Anyway at the restaurant where we were the last people to leave, I saw the most beautiful beautiful beautiful way a family enters into the new year.

There was champagne. There was a child running around with sparklers. Mother and Grand mother smoking and talking in their language and it was perfect. I should have taken a photo. When I mentioned it to Sugar baby he said make sure you get all the details so you get around writing about it. It's perfect.

We laugh over that.

And I realize I've spent a lot of 2017 making new friends. reading books I thoroughly enjoy. visiting new cities. lying in the dark listening to albums I enjoy ( this is one of my absolute favorite things in the world)- Maybe I should invest in a super surround sound system.

I toyed with the idea of moving out. Maybe this year I will consolidate this. Maybe.

I have looked forward to 2018 for such a long time because THIRTYYYYY. full fabulous.

offcourse I have travel planssss and they are so big and scary but here is the thing if they aren't big and scary how else will growth happen?

In the way of career. I'm ready to get back into the rat race. I miss audit A LOT. but I will never go back. It's too hard too stressful and the occupational hazard.

I think asides work there is not much I plan to change in 2018.

And I want to face this minimalist life business.

And try out this piano thing again for real.

And make more money.

Oh and starting a business.

I had actually posted how I wasn't changing much because to be honest 2017 was a good year.

And I am so grateful to God for how it all panned out.

For living.
For love
For food
For friendships honorable mention to T who moved back.
For church
For my relationship with God
For my nails

And I am truly thankful.