What the Caterpillar calls death, the wise man calls a butterfly

 I feel like 2021 has been one of those years where nothing and then EVERYTHING happens at once.

As much as I am an intentional person, planning and priming and pesuading my life into a mold I like & prefer, this year, maybe covid fatigue, maybe general tiredness, maybe a stroke of luck, had me just taking my hands of the reins and boyyyyy was I pleasantly surprised.

First of all, I got married to Hercules, much to my mothers immense pleasure and to the ultimate obliteration of my financial plans for 2021. Honestly the minute we agreed to get married in September, I literally stopped tracking my expenses, because what you do not know can not kill you.

It was such a wonderful ceremony, and it showed me how much growth I had made as person, for one, everything that was going to stress me, I reminded myself that I was bound to experience, because who the hell plans a wedding in 6 weeks?

Someone  who clearly has a huge buffer for stress. And the process re-inforced a few things for me top of which, go with your mind always.

Every vendor that was referred to me, fucked me over abysmally. Surprisingly the process was relatively easy with Hercules, he met me half way, had little to no  unreasonable demands, and he was quick to remind me to delegate always. He also had the crazy idea of us doing the registry on the same day, which turned out to be the best part of the day for me.:)

The second thing for me this year that absolutely threw me for a loop was getting into a artist residency in Spain. I have not written as much this year because I was mostly processing my transition work wise/ settling into the new role, attempting to take the trainer wheels of the relationship that moprhed into this marriage, and generally accept that because of my competencies I will forever have to manage boundries, all of this meant, writing really became a luxury that I could not afford.

My tiny letters havent been updated in months, my travel blog same AND this one sparesly, most of my writing has been work emails and terse whatsapp messages to co-workers. Applying for the residency was really my way to ensuring that I was not tossing my dream of becoming a published "authoress" into the abyss of all the raggedy ness, and the reality of life and adulting hit me and I said well If I'm going to do it, I'm just going to have to find a way, a combination of me seeing the annoucement on time, plus a random exhange that led to my applications being properly edited and a ton of other things, I got in!

I was SCREAMING when I say the email, infact I accepted it so late like on the day of the deadline. I sent in my very pretty black and white photo, from my birthday photoshoot last weekend that I'll probably use for my book head shot and wrote the wittiest bio for myself and I still can't believe I'm going to a fucking artist residency where I'll have some time to write my book!!!

Okay I think the last and wildest thing in 2021 was me learning french. My office made it mandatory for a few of us to learn french and that means in the last 6 months twice a week I'd been resuming work at 7:30AM to have french class for an hour and a half. all is well that ends well because I booked the hotel for my holiday in french on a whim and I think I did a GREAT job. 

My vision board is on my phone wall paper, I am yet to complete any of the things on that but what has been achieved is so much more.

I am truly excited for 2022.

The word I'm taking into 2022 is ease. a lot of what I have, I have earned with sweat and tears so na wetin no hard me get na him i wan enjoy this 2022.

I also think we have been raised to conflate ease with lazy but as someone who planned a wedding in 6 weeks, I now know that things CAN be easy, and I'm ready for them to be easy for me.

Ps: if you know me in real life and wanna see wedding highlight video, email me. :)

Pss: I know it is a bit early to be doing year end reviews but - this is the time I have so here we go!

Slow Living

 So, I now know for certain that I have no plans of doing what I do for a living right now for ever.

For one, I know that my productive hours are not the regular 9-5 and waking up at 6am makes me sick to my stomach.

So how to proceed...

Jamaica

 When I tell people I went to Jamaica,

they are first of all slightly stunned. Jamaica, AND ALONE?

what did you do there? did you smoke Igbo?  Was it Safe?

Everything

No

Yes.

I loved Jamaica, everytime I posted a photo someone would message me and say you are living the life.

And honestly my best life is to see the world. now to find a way to either get it to fund itself and by extension my life style OR something because as much as I love my job this week i have had a delayed post vacay blue situation and I'm like wiun.

Anyway I'm back, working like a dog and I still thinking up a masterplan for this life I'm living.

Or planning to live.

also is anyone else thinking about retirement more and more or is that just me???

Update

 I set an out of office and I am leaving my laptop behind.

All the best to everyone who expects anything from me this week.

Na God hand e dey for now.

LOL

Update

 If the last two posts seemed incomplete,

it is because they are.

Popped by here to get my thoughts down and update yall on what has been going on with me,

not much. Currently on Vacation and since I couldn't waste all the money I spent on my ticket to the US, which by the way was a gift from my mother for all the work I did for her last year, I decided to visit Jamaica.

I do not want to talk about my visa experience because thinking about it still annoys me, but Nigerian travel agents do not know more than lies & disgrace, but if you decide to use them sit on their necks.

Because of how hurried this trip was ( I literally went from work to the airport, and I promise myself it'll be the last time I EVER do it again- God willing) I couldn't get my full body wax.

ashe I came to america and still somehow forgot to get the wax. anyway I'm going to try veet or something, Haven't done it in years and my prayer is that I don't set myself back a thousand years with ingrown hair.

But lets talk about Jamaica.

Actually lets not, I'll talk about it on my travel blog, because i have so much to share and I have been dragging my feet. LOL.

Just popped in to say I really like my job, wish I stopped leaving things till last minute- Like my laptop sleeve because I do not want to carry a back pack tomorrow. and now I have none/ welp.

But I am so HAPPY I'm going on this vacation.. I am actually thinking of leaving my laptop and going without it, ha.

Either way. Hope you are all well and keeping your head above water.

Oh also I started swimming really good now. so I'm super proud of that. ha.

Currently

 It has been a while since I did a currently post so I thought instead of doing the work my employer has paid me to do, why not do something else instead.

Listening non stop to this album. 

I absolutely LOVE this album. before I went to Trinidad I never listened to Soca music because I was ignorant. point blank; anyway this way album is great, and the memories attached to this are very great and I will never ever ever trade them for anything in the world.

Cause you're the reason I believe in love

For all them things I thank yah

You stand by meh no matter the rivers turn we live and learn for

Everything well ah thank yah always around and I thank you greatlyyy

For giving this energy You give me that energyyy

Reading

The most fascinating book about money and psychology of why people move the way they do with their money. Personally I have always been fascinated with the intersection of money and psychology and I have been interested in finding out if the maxim " how you do one thing is how you do all things" applies to people and their money. Because I be moving hella mad sometimes on certain things but my money has me like- NAH.

So its interesting to read this book. 

Writing

Very slowly, my finance column, I really want to build that body of work but let me tell you. It's not easy.

Also not writing my tiny letters, because when people say, shey you have been looking for work now you have found work, they were talking about me.

Working

My ass off for my employers, and it feels like I'm juggling many balls for them and they keep throwing in more balls for me.

Excited

about my new nails. I have decided to get my nails sh

Stressed but Blessed

 yall.

YALL.

When I say I have been stressed the fuck out. WIUN.

So this week is the culmination well the penultimate culmination of all the work we ( when I say we I mean myself & my mum) towards her presidency and we are running helterskelter to make sure it is a huge success.

My mother is driving me UP THE WALL. my siblings are making me want to pull my hair out and then I have work obligations that are making me regret taking a whole week off, but it is what it is o.

The work must get done.

I actually really like my job, I love my boss, and my co-workers while they'll never really be my friends, I enjoy working with them so much.

My boss was telling me how I have warmed myself into everyone's heart and now they do not know where I am during the day.

I'm like ehnnnn.

I am always available o. Faffing but available. 

Also discovered the amazon short essays and I really like them.

Talk about your siblings

 I have two biological siblings, as per same mother same father. An older sister and a younger brother.

so I am sweet in the middle.

I have two step sisters from my dad's second marriage that I do not have a relationship with.

I have an older step brother from my father, who is older than my sister and who we found via hi 5 maybe 15 years ago on a family vacation to atlanta.

From my mothers husband, I have 7 step siblings as in he had 7 children before they got married all older than myself ( I think), actually I do not think too much about them because they only come for parties and stuff. But they are really sweet and have a ton of children so anytime they come to visit its like daddy day care in the house. Super cute except I keep wondering 7 children... when it's not like you are captain von trap.

So my two older siblings. My older brother is really sweet, he is an only child so he makes concerted effort to keep in touch with my sister and I indvidually. When I was 25 and went to miami and ended up at the strip club moving like a billionaire, he was the one who some how knew that miami was gonna slid me into that sort of situation and sent me $150. A Godsend that boy. Also when my sister had a baby, he was the drove down for 2 days with his wife and 2 girls to see them both and stayed for a weekend. Absolutely nothing like my father.

My sister, though she is older than me, I have found myself looking after her a lot. She doesn't like to do what is neccesary for growth, but I feel like 2021 is the year she gets a rude awakening.  As much as I love her, I maintain if she was not my sister, I dont think I'd have been her friend at all. I'd actually avoid her like a plague.

My baby brother, is the real prince who at 30 was still having his dinner brought up in a tray to his room, is really a fun guy. super selfish but very fun- my work around for this is never having to ask him for anything. Also always asks me to tell my mum when he has dropped the ball so she doesn't kill him. I always indulge him because- Why not?

Because of how much co-mothering I have done for both my siblings, having children is really not an exciting Idea for me. It's a lot of work and little gratitude for all that work. I know because I definately do not thank my mother enough, even though I am a grateful kid. I know I can do more.

Whenever I tell my mother I don't want kids, she calls me selfish, I want to remind her that I co-parented with her, and have already raised kids without the benefits of motherhood & all the responsibilities. But I don't because dem born me well.  

Best friend

 

I hate best friend prompts for a myriad of reasons, top of which is I do not have a best friend.

Asides the fact that people bore me and I tend to find myself outgrowing friendships rapidly the concept of bestfriend-ship isnt one on my radar.

However I have a RANGE of close friends who I love to dearly, these are women and men who I'd go to war for at any moment because they will do the same for me at once.

Literally no thinking required.

these are people who have very similar values with me when it comes to money, respectability politics, and generally not taking themselves too seriously.

I absolutely ADORE, how most of them think, how hardworking they are, how much fun I have with them while doing nothing and honestly how great they are TO ME.

Barring the fact that they are YET to throw me a surprise birthday party, my close friends are perfect, I'm not one to want many things but somehow they give and give and give me so much. I feel very blessed to have them in my life.

International Womens Day, Meghan and Me

 I loved Meghan. and I will defend her with a million times more vim than my mother defended Diana.

Now that is out of the way... I watched that interview, The Oprah one with Meghan & Harry and I thought.

my people are not really right, when they say you can have a useless husband but not useless inlaws, they didnt consider the fact that a man might actually stand up to his parents and family and do what the bible asked him to do and become one.

Honestly, i've never rated Harry. Ever. even William sef. But I'm like these are men who have never been tested ever. and have been protected by the institution of the british monarchy so much that even if they want to go- how dem wan take do am?

Turns out I could not have been wronger about Harry. I am IMPRESSED. Harry moved countries, got cut off, had his security taken away- WENT TO LIVE IN TYLER PERRY'S HOUSE.

God in heaven will bless him.

Anyway this is a good message to women to always have their own and have something doing. See how Meghan has leveraged her contacts, and her past work experience to settle them into their new lives.

See how they are flourishing.

Anyway this is a fantasic reminder that bad things DO not happen when women are in positions of power.

When women have options, they uplift not only themselves but everyone around them, even Harry said it, he would not have been able to get out if Meghan hadn't come into his life.

I wish them both nothing but joy and happiness and a fairytale ending so lush that we can not even imagine.

That being said- What are you choosing to challenge?

For me its the lie that bad things happen when women have money, when in actuality its the opposite.

So I'm dragging a few of my girlfriends into the US stock market with monthly contributions.

because we are moving to where the money reside this 2021.

I mean prince harry is living off the money Princess Diana left him, imagine if he didn't have that?

Only Good things happen when women have money.

Also, how are you celebrating yourself today?

I'm letting a man cook me a surprise dinner, fingers crossed its not noodles and penis as dessert.

But hope you have a great day, and remember you do not need to have done or achieved anything to be celebrated today.

All you have to do is be a woman and boom!

Happy international womens day!

Happiness

 Happiness is what I am currently experiencing

A winning streak, 

it is the eventual delivery of items that I assumed USPS had misplaced.

It is feeling i experienced today when randomly way an acquintance dashed me $200 for lunch- IN THIS ECONOMY

It is the discounted chanel inspired tweed Jacket M&S had on sale and me snagging the last one in a size 14. and it was 70% off.

It is spending the whole day with my mother and sister to go dress shopping and her sending me a very long message thinking me for coming along with her.

It is the coming end of this WFH business ( thank you Jesus)

It is a successful completion of Day one of Lent.

Today was a very happy day for me. 

SO that is what happiness is- good days that blindside me with the goodness.

The Power of Music

 I love music.

All my tiny letters save for a few that I close off with a bible verse are signed off with lyrics from songs I thoroughly enjoy and I have come to associate with periods in my life.

Music, just like scent, triggers memories, It is why everytime Tuface's Ole comes up I am transported to my first kiss in my friends car as he tried to convince me that he was in love with me - even though he had a girl friend.

Or when You know what by avant comes on, and I am reminded of the now useless but then whirlwind romance that I had with the boy who took my virginity. It was such terrible sex that I lied to someone else and had him retake it ( with much better sex).

Or when I hear Psquare's chop my money, I am reminded that it was the song I had planned to dance in to at my wedding to Eros while he sprayed me $$. asides the fact that we are now divorced, $ to NGN is no longer 150, so as you can see- many things have killed those plans.

Or when I hear George Micheal's As, I am taken back to the church scene in the Best Man Holiday when Mia is being buried & Anthony Hamilton sings the song. ( this is also a very very very good wedding song)

Or when I hear sweet mother by Prince Nico, I am reminded of my own sweet mother and how long it took me to set that track up as her ringtone even though I had never used a samsung. My mother believes I can do ANYTHING. And everytime I hear that song, I am reminded of that.

Songs are powerful, in as much as they hold memories, they are words that seep into our subconscious and give us either a boost or a drain whatever energy is left in us. 

Personally they are a delightful pick me up. Many of my evenings have been spent in the dark, room illumnated by either only a candle or my lava lamp and I listened to songs whose lyrics absolutely described how I felt. and in those moments I felt so legion-like, because if someone had felt so strongly about this and then entered studio to sing this song- surely this must not be the end of the world.

In addition to the legion-like feeling, music makes me feel gratitude for the emotions the songs evoke to the high notes to the shower sessions.

Now I wonder what my life would look like sans music?

Probably very bland.

Favourite Movie

 My favourite movie in the whole wide world in this one and the next IS:

SOUND OF MUSICCCCC.

Yes I am obsessed with Captain, Maria and his seven children.

And as someone who used to go late to work ALWAYS, I can relate with Maria at the abbey.

Although the older I get, I feel some sympathy for the Baroness, but then again isnt that the trope of half of nollywood- Rich man leaves his rich babe for domestic staff-  that for some reason never seems to translate into real lagos dating

Anyway.

I love this movie, I see it maybe 2/3 times a year and I came across this amazing letter written by the Baroness cancelling her wedding, if you have watched the movie, I'm sure you'd love it too.

Amazing letter

Go on, click on the link, you know you want to, 

plus have I ever let you down?

Single & Happy

 I find this prompt a bit strange because unlike most people I have never really married both words.

Happiness has stemmed from just being and well single or double- has you single or double.

For example when I am double, I feel happiness around the consistency of having penis on tap.

No song and dance.

And when I am single, I am elated at the thought of going on multiple dates in a week.

Both states have me experiencing happiness.

That being said- I really enjoy being single.

For a myriad of reasons, top of which is, men love me, when I am single I am at liberty to experience every shade and faucet of this love coming my way.

And without accountability to any one party. It is the ultimate case of eating your cake and having it.

But all things in moderation because too much sugar and next thing you have a bad case of diabetes.

Another reason is that I feel like I have been granted a new lease on the dating scene and there always exists the likelihood that I may not be here forever, hence an urgency to really revel in all the debauchery and excitement and happiness that may stem from being single.

I'd hate to look back at being single and regret all the one night stands I didn't have for what so ever reasons.

I know this post makes it sound like I am rabid with the sex-ing but there is truly happiness in dating just because. 

No expectations and free food- because I am yet to hack paying for dates.

Tell me what could possibly be better than that?

If the answer is your one husband and two kids you had to threaten to keep a straight face so your Christmas photos come one semi-decent.

Then I guess I'd pass for now.

I do not see the point of lusting over food, when I haven't finished the food in the plate before me.

Your Parents

 I read an essay about Lagos, and growing up and parents written by a man called Tunde Wey. 

Anyway the essay made me realize what I have been struggling to put a finger on for a long time.

My parents are two very different people who got married, had 3 children and left each other ( well my father left my mother), they are both remarried now.

The older I get the more I am able to look at them through non judgemental lenses, and just see them, and what I see are both flawed people. One who stayed to raise her children because her back was against the wall and she had run out of options.

and one who left because he had never had a chance to practice building the capacity that will be needed for difficult times. So he ran. and keeps running. But slows down long enough to ask for a soft loan- which I always ignore. then he continues to run.

Neither of my parents are bad people, infact both of them are victims of Lagos living. and we all know how vicious Lagos is. If you show a hint of fear Lagos will chew you up and spit you out like it did my Father who now lives in Oshogbo with his wife and two daughters from that marriage.

But if you face Lagos head on, every day, eventually she yields and grants you all the trappings of Lagos living. A day bursting with the potential of a missed flight because traffic or a missing side mirror because another car is doing a high speedchase with law enforcements, all of which you will avoid because you have mopol in your 4x4. The high seats of the 4x4's - which my mother has 3 of, really distances you from the daily potential lagos madness. You can see it, feel it but it can't touch you.

Not in the way Nigeria touches you anyway.

So I love my mother, If I was in her class, I'd be her friend, very casually not too close, mostly for money talk because she had all the spirit of frivolousness beaten out of her by her mother.

But I'd avoid my father like a plague, a man who is filled with nothing but excuses, will never know how to roll up his sleeves and get the job done. And even though I am super lax about making friends, that is the one thing I know I wouldn't have wanted in my inner circle. A mouth full of a excuses and a pocket of empty promises.

My father is 70 now, and my mother is 60. 

My mother who I deeply adore is a living reminder of how much is possible when you just roll up your sleeves and get the work done, not caring who gets the credit. 

My father reminds me of the lifestyle that is possible if you don't responsibility for your actions and habits and eventually your life.

Places you want to visit

 The old and new wonders of the world.

Already seen the colosseum in italy and Christ the redeemer in brazil

, But I'm trying to  see the pyramids this year. Egypt whats really good

Corona come and be going ah.

Also Asia and Sydney so that I can make a video with me in all the places Lagbaja sings about in Africaylpso.

Yeah yeah.

A memory

 Its 1998 and my mother is finally moving us to the new house.

A month earlier she had taken all on a tour to the new place with her then boyfriend who she said helped her furnish the house.

At the time, I didn't understand why he didn't just buy it for her; but also at the time I did not know a lot about men. 

So we look around it is delightful, a four bedroom flat in a block of flats with two doors with no fence vs our old house that was a ground flat in fenced in concrete compound that contributed too much to the scars on my siblings knees from rough play.

Anyway you flipped it, it was an upgrade.

The first night we move in, my cousins ( my late aunt's children), move with us, it is the most delightful sleep over. My cousins are younger and my sister and I teach them all the songs we used to sing in QC during night prep. My sister teaches them some dance steps.

At the time we moved in my mother could not afford bed frames or curtains, so the mattresses are on the floor and mismatched wrappers serve as curtains.

But all of those are minor details. The house felt like heaven. At the old house the people who lived in the next compound could have as well been ghosts because we never saw them, and everytime our ball flew into that compound, we dreaded going to knock for it because the only sounds we ever heard from there was the father of the house beating his kids. One of the girls was named joke.

Anyway almost as if God wanted to restore all the years the canker worm had eaten, we had seven neighbors ( because the block had 8 flats), and one of the families was from northern africa. 

Ahmed Hadiza  Yahaya & Faiza ( who died from a brief illness), all of whom became best friends with each of my siblings.

I loved living in that estate, because even though the  1998 me didn't know it at the time- It was the best of times.

Better times are always ahead, but the memories of the first night in the new house my mother bought shared with my cousins will always be one I cherish. 

Offcourse Nepa took light- but that only made it more fun. 

Because when you have all the people you love around you, Nepa taking light is infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things.

Even the me of 1998 knows this.

Things that make you happy

 I love Fur Elise.

Today I found about a rapper D smoke, absolutely handsome in the hood way that black American rappers are. Anyway he is in Lagos, but that isn't what made/ makes me happy. I'm scrolling through his Instagram because its 2021 and that is what you do when you are mildly intrigued by a man in 2021.

Check his IG. 

So I'm scrolling his IG and he has a post where with the most beautifully manicured hands is playing a piece of classic music.

The caption endears me to him, but him playing the piano makes me happy.

I love Fur Elise for a lot of reasons, It is the sound that I associate with what is the Nigerian equivalent of the ice-cream truck, and fancy door bells in middle class homes.

And when I say associate, I mean it is the sound the truck played. 

And that is sound that you heard when you pressed the fancy door bells instead of the regular shrill ringing sound that irritates your friends mom, when out of excitement you leaned on the doorbell a little too long, because it's 4pm and you need your friend to come out and play.

It is also the piece of music at the end of my classical music piano book and I can not wait till I get there, I am currently at Tallis' canon.

And today what makes me even more happy, it is the piece Anastasia* was playing when she got arrested.

* She is Alexei Navalny's associate. and he is the crazy guy who the KGB tried to kill, who exiled himself to Germany and then came back and is now arrested.

Describe your personality

Colourful.

But not colourful like a distinct colour that can never be mistaken for another colour.

Colourful in the subtle way when you hold up a painted surface to light it shows you one colour,

and in different light a different colour.

Maybe not a different colour, but hues on a gradient. 

Think iridescent. 

But a firmly in a colour spectrum.

The spectrum is love and kindness, but somehow misses niceness.

So I am the person who will sit hours with you to figure out how to solve a problem that I had no parts in creating and the solving of said problem accrues no benefits to me.

The nature of the kindness my personality possess, is the "just because" kind.

No rhyme or reason.

I am predictable, in the way that the people who know me have a vague idea of how I may react to a situation eg anger/ excitement etc but at the same time unpredictable in that, they have no idea how angry I may get. Will I pour my drink in someone's face or will I walk out in slight annoyance. 

I love to think I am an open book, but apparently I may have mastered the art of saying a lot without saying anything deeply personal. 

So I will tack "slightly mysterious" to my personality descriptors.

But really I just subscribe to the school of, it's not a secret its just not your business.

Overarchingly, my personality is optimistically positive, with a sharp wit that was honed from my ugly duckling years.

I like to tell the men who I met that they come for my looks, but stay for my amazing personality.

Double delight.

If I could change one thing about my personality, It'll be to give people fewer chances.

But  I'm learning to trust my gut more, it has never failed me.

and it wont start now. 

New Year ( and urgh what is this new layout?)

 I love new years because ya girl be making GRAND PLANSSS.

anyway just swinging in to say happy new year and I am super grateful for how 2020 ended and I am looking forward to migrating to my new lifestyle website soon. eek

So exciting... Honestly 2021 is gonna be d bomb!

:)

Hope yall are well and keeping safe etc etc