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Me- you are not my boyfriend.

Him- I don't care, I just want to be next to you.

*Emile Sande's free playing in the background* 

Metaphor

Him- You are so lucky you are female. You can just come back to your hotel room and chill and watch tv and entertain your self and stuff.

Me- HUH?

Him- You dont even get bored. Like if it was a man, you'd have to find yourself entertainment.

Me- What?

Him- Or wait is it every night you would close from work, then go your hotel talking to your wife and start popping champagne.

Me- *Amused* No way.

Him- You know I do not mean literal champagne popping.

 * simulates a champagne popping motion with his hands in his lower body region*

Wait for Me.

This song has so many memories. attached.

If you love me, wait for me.

If you love me, Plan with me.

:)

Beautiful

I feel most beautiful when I wake up with no decisions I can regret.

When I listen to John mayer.

When I just get my nails done- actually this makes me feel like my life is in order.

When I can cater to those in my life.

Nothing Makes me happier than being able to cater to the people who I care about.

and being happy makes me feel like a princess.

Have you heard the John Mayer XO cover?

So beautiful plus I can actually hear what the words of the songs are.

So hauntingly beautiful.

You kill me Boy- XO.

I think I need a celebratory drink. But imma wait till june.

I lost so much weight over the weekend being ill.

I like what I look like naked- I think My bikini photos are gonna look smashing.

So top tip from me- If you wanna lose weight- fall ill.

Another thing. I have really pronouced cheek bones, so when Im contoured, I look like I had botox shots- Does this happen to anyone else?

Or just me?

Realize, v; Realization, n.

When I turned 25, I hosted a very delicious party for all my friends in Dundee.

And when it was mid night,  after cleaning up and all my guests had gone.

I stood there in the living room of my flat staring, pleased and elated.

Then it hit me, you never came, which was not fine.

You had no plans to come but that was fine.

Most important - you would never come.

And that was fine too.

Objectify

At Karaoke when I spaced out, glass of water in my hand and stared into space.

My friend asked me why I was staring at your penis.

I spluttered, spat out my drink and cackled.

You looked up and asked- You know it’s wrong to objectify the opposite sex right?

And I replied – You are one to talk. You have been oogling me all night.

I'm going to start doing this thing where I use a scenario I have experienced to define a word.

Its how the Lover's dictionary by David Levithan was written and it is so damn good.  

The weekend

Not the lyricist. But my ACTUAL weekend.

Was spent being well, then sick,  then well again.

Lets start from friday.

Home girl Uloh popped into town, and "destiny's child"- with me as beyonce off kess, was complete.

we went to somewhere called Nouveau. AMAZING atmosphere. I really liked that it was done up in minimalist decor. Plus I had really good company.

I was also under the strictest orders to not allow myself be toasted.

Apparently I am getting waaay too much action for a Lagos girl in Abuja. LOL ( the rumors are not true)

Fast forward to attempting to sort out my plans on Saturday I woke up, did my nails

and felt so sick.

Sicker than I had felt in my life. So I threw up. ( and smudged my freshly done nails while I was at it)

#sidebar shout out to models who are able to self induce vomiting- You are stars, in your own right.

And then I threw up again.

went to a pharmacy to get something to stop the 1- killer headache AND stomach ache and intense nausea.

Took the suggested drugs- then threw up AGAIN.

took a second set ( because I bought two sets),  had lunch then ( You guessed it)

Threw up again.

Now this wasn't that cute hold my hair back while I vomit because I had too much too drink last night throw up session.

This was an actual medical condition where my vomit reflexes were on over drive and my tummy wont accept any food.

So after that session, I got dressed and attended a wedding, because you know I'm not a quitter.

Fast forward to getting back from the wedding, I threw up again.

Then I had my cousin who is a medical student come and see me, she suggested I eat dry garri and take an ORT solution.

I did, went to bed, woke up AND THREW UP AGAIN.

Then I knew I had to go to the hospital.

Went to Maitama general hospital- which was almost deserted, although there was no bed space.

This hospital visit is a different post all together but I couldn't be hydrated with a IV solution because - bomb blast victims had taken all the bed space.


Anyways two injections later I was sent on my merry way.

fast forward to Sunday.

throwing up had ended. But I had to keep going back to take shots.

we had a karaoke session, and all went to take my shots.

I was freaked out, I haven't had an injection in maybe 10 years.

I'm hardly ever really sick. to be honest, So all that vomiting for no just cause freaked me the hell out.

Anyways - That's how my weekend went.

Ps- Is there a way I can put up a song and attach it to a certain post so you can listen to it once you click on the link?

so my readers can read my posts with the songs I wrote them playing in the same back ground??

IT GUYSSSSSS- sort this out.

Also. after much self evaluation- which I have been doing a whole lot of since hotel living and too much time on my hands.

And it turns out- I have somehow morphed into someone I would hate if I met.

And I'm like do I own this change or do I take steps to not be this person.

*walking past the fork in the road and going straight on this one*

AKA doing nothing and watching how it all plays out but feeling immensely sorry for ALL the possible collateral damage that might occur as I take this course of action.

Actually, I do not feel sorry for shit.

And I should. And I hate that I do not.- But not as much as I should.

#np Collide- Howie day
#np Headlines- Drake

2am

I get lonely when I wake up to pee and can't go back to sleep.

I hate hotel rooms because sometimes I wake up and I'm lost, confused and I struggle to find my bearing. 

And I am tempted to invite randoms to my hotel- for company. 

I really really really really hate sleeping alone. 

Really. 

Chasing Cars and Conversations

Lets waste time chasing cars around our hearts.

Its 12:30am.

And I am online shopping and having random flash backs to a  conversation I happened ( shamefully) to be involved in.

- side bar I find myself blogging more and more about the conversations I have- obviously without the permission of those involved; because YOLO. and mostly because most of those people do not read my blog.

Any way tonight my cousin- who I absolutely adore and writes this beautiful blog here came to see me, and we went to visit my other friend.

While we were there the inevitable topic of men came up * insert eye roll here*

and My friend attempted to throw me under the bus because I graciously agreed ( despite my better judgement) to hook her up to my friend. lets call him J.

And she said and I quote. J does not have swag.

Actually, she implied that.

She said and I quote " You know white rice?, naked bland? exactly. no carrots, no green pepper, no sweet corn, just plain rice"

And our other friend asked her- Why can you not cut the carrots and garnish your rice.

she- It is not her destiny to come and garnish rice for someone else to eat.

I need to put J in context.

J is well educated. has a good job, drives a nice car, and is tall dark and handsome by every M & B standard in the whole wide world. J has not dated any of her friends.

Essentially  J is one of the good guys.

 But unfortunately J is bland. like naked white rice.

And for that J gets no marks- Its a cold world out there.


People say a lot of hurtful things to me, but nothing hurts me more than when a client tell's me

" You are too pretty to do this job"

It kills me.

Even more than the men toasting me. I had to sit in a one on one meeting with my client today.

Kiss his ass. have him kiss mine. threaten to  escalate to my partner. Then go through a 200 line TB item after item.

How dare anyone say I am too pretty to do my job?

A close second is when people tell me how I break everyone in my life.- And its Just them that fell off.

I get that waaaaaay  more than I should.

I feel like people should pay more attention to me when I tell them I am a particular way and I would act a certain way in certain situations.

Instead they envision something else and I am always the bad person.

And hearing that shit repeatedly gets to me.

I find myself chanting how I am good person every time to remind myself that I am infact, only unable to manage expectations.

And that is not a skill set taught in Covenant University.

One more thing.

I need to find a way to have that coy amber rose - esque look back it laugh/giggle.

I currently cackle. Literally. Think wicked witch in Disney then project that sound.

That is me when something excites me.

Unfortunately I am easily excited.

On being cocky.

My friend Lekan tweeted about how my cocky responses slay him.

Im going to blog about our basic exchange and how I wasn't even cocky.

Hisss.

Lekan basically talks about how he wants to open  20 more accounts to follow his role model ( henri who is apparently a football god and what not- I think he is sexy AF) but that is neither here or there.

I reply that what he wants to do is akin to worship. he laughs and and asks about my bobo's.

I reply- and quite honestly if I might add- that they are alright, offering me entertainment.

him- Multitasker.

me- It is what it is.

and all of a sudden I'm cocky.

I used to be so "happy in love" Just reading my 2012 posts.

I honestly can not believe how cynical and jaded I have become.

It's such a 180 degree change, if it was someone else this happened to, I would honestly recommend therapy.

Currently listening to fur elise as I type this and I remember all the best memories attached to it.

Im going to curl into fetal position and cry.

LOL jk.

I'm going to have dinner with my friend who is in town for one night only- because

YOLOMAWMIT.

Virtual cookies for who knows what that means.

Actually. scratch that. It means You only live once, might as well make it tasty.

Side bar- I might need to get married so the men I work with leave me the fuck alone.

It is amusing but after 2 weeks it gets old.

Dear men, Stop it.

Batter dipping the corn-dog

While I acknowledge and admit that - that title is a horribly poor euphemism for fucking,

It was either that of "mix my milk with your cocopops" and God forbid someone searched out coco pops on google and my blog came up with that filth.

As always this is an excerpt from a conversation I had last night.

* back ground of random bants*

Him: How the hell did you get me from trying to fuck you to wanting to just chill with you?

Me: You are going to have to ask the other nigga's before you. I have no idea how they handle it.

Him: *blank stare*

Two things, I am a horrible misyarner. Not out of spite but just because I say the randomest things and  everybody who doesn't know me some people find it offensive. And I truly apologize but its not malice driven.

I happened to attend an abuja wedding over the weekend. and can I just say that even though I am not attempting to start anything or keep score

Lagos weddings -1000
Abuja weddings - Negative 500.

Infact Lagos for the WINNNNNNNN.

I miss Lagos so much.

You know what I also miss- Handling an actual red wine glass.

Stroking the stem and sipping my red moscato.

Not the actual taste of alcohol but all the little acts that make up the total sum of actually drinking.

The argument of  who handle's the cock screw. the inane giggling after three glasses, the random swerve in conversations after three bottles.

And the eventual debauchery that stems from always drinking more than one should.( as evidenced by wretched videos and photos- which I hope won't surface when I plan to run for office).

That is what I hate about not drinking. The fact that I'm missing out on all these emotions and motions.

Self discipline for the almost win.

But for everyday I win the inward battle of not tasting alcohol and indulging myself in that particular whim- I feel like I have won, Just a little.

And as the days pass- that feeling grows, and I love that more than I miss handling a glass stem so I guess I'm not slitting my wrists yet- anytime soon.

I find that people are slightly amused when I tell them I don't drink alcohol- then actually alarmed when they find I am serious- because you know, everyone should.

People, learn to respect other people's choices.

You do not see me asking you stupid questions like why are you sagging your fucking pants- so do not be asking me rubbish questions like why do you not drink.

( I'm really not mad, it just gets tiring having to repeat over and over - MYOB)

Also during conversation with my guest last night turns out I am very guarded- I feel like I over shareeeeee.

Apparently not.

Just reading my blog and I find that I am an oversharer of fluff.

I also think I should pay more attention to my star sign- some people devote their lives to that shit, and me I don't even know much about mine except I'm supposed to be a bad bitch- which I figure I would be even if I was born in June. ( No offence to June babies).

But because I do nothing in halves, I am hesitant to get involved in that horoscope shit.

So good week everyone.

PS- I currently have a red weave- AND I AM KILLING THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

For real. I leave a trail of drops of blood in my walk.

This weave is SLAYING!!!

Yemi my loverrrrrr.

I am obsessed with Olamide.

And this song.

I think I have lost my Ipod.

This breaks my heart to tiny little pieces.

I am losing weight.

I have figured out my new holiday destination.

All I need to do is actually round up my friends to get settled into the plans.

BUT let it be known that it would be lots of instagram pictures with PLENTY hot boys.

I am back in Abuja and so I would be missing Ogo's bday.

Quick synopsis on Ogo, One of my oldest friends, who we have somehow settled into a  friendship routine that baffles everyone but us.

She loves and voltron's for me fiercely and since I do not get that alot I am truly thankful for it and her presence in my life.

So Ogo thank you- and I am saying it now because I know I do not thank you enough.

Love you lots.

ALSOOOOOO....I hate packing under duress worst thing ever.

However I installed a red weave in, and I look, feel, smell and probably taste like the best thing since sliced bread- But please do not take my word for it. I am biased towards me.

I am a little homesick. As always and I think I am getting tired of hotel living.

Side bar- New hotel is cute as fuck. Color scheme pink and all that good stuff.