Friday, May 25, 2012

Elixir of happiness

My Uterus is on cheap crack.
Tell me why it has decided to not let me be productive today.

Why have you decided to stand in the line of sight of my greatness?

Why wont you let me be?
Instead you attack me and you join my enemies.

You attack me from all angles with wrecking wretched pains and stabs.
I'm bent over trying to be productive and gritting my teeth.

Menstrual pain is the bane of my existence. Even after popping two Feldene pills, The pain is still there.

Along with the other pain I'm feeling. The one that comes from constant unhappiness.

Yes even I do not understand what is going on with me.
I am Unhappy. with stupid bouts of tension headaches.

The only things that keep me going are: My mother. My lover and My Job.

My Mother keeps asking me and begging me to stay put, to manage, to keep it together for her sake.
The Lover keeps telling me to stop being whinny about it.
My job just reminds me I have to be sane to put in effective hours tomorrow.

My friends- ha- What friends?

I have friends, But they exist only for the good times. The ones who hold me during my down time are few and far between- I rarely ever have down time.

Infact, for this is probably my longest spell of unhappiness.

And it greatly troubles me that
1. I cant shake it off.
2. I am getting tired of attempting to wait it out
3. No one can seem to understand what it is I am going through.

Which is odd, because I usually express myself very very clearly and effectively- In that I refrain from implying- I explicitly state and people usually understand.

But that I can not channel this sadness into words. Kills me.

Which I find strange, because I am not having sudden overwhelming surges of tears.

I am not constantly sad- grouchy. snappy and reluctant to go out and see anyone.

(well maybe that has sthg to do with the post subsidy removal prices)

But this unhappy has moved in with me. and has almost become a constant.

Which would not have been so hard to live with except for those two seconds when I wake and everything is right and I feel the happiness and then I remember
 and the unhappiness settles around me like a familiar cloak. Fitting snugly in all the right places.

But unluckily for unhappiness, I have a get away. Tomorrow I leave for a mini- holiday, where there would be no internet. no work. no lover. no sex. just happiness and minus -2 degrees average weather.

and the thought of this makes me happy.
Which I find slightly unnerving because I'd hate to think that no sex is making me happy.

So while I have been scarce to say the least, I will be scarcer still. I will be on a holiday of some sorts and might just take up drinking champagne to see if the rumours about it being the elixir of happiness in liquid alcohol form are true. If I can eventually get past the thoughts of champagne tasting like what I imagine cat piss would taste like.

Now to the positives about being greatly unhappy- I spend huge unhealthy amounts of time with myself- alone with my thoughts or the thoughts of others and strangely I dont want to share these thoughts, I guard them jealously, blogging only sparingly and even then overtly cryptic thoughts are shared.

LOL. I feel like this is a personal journey to finding my purpose. Like a person training to become an alchemist. And somehow because of long hours spent alone tends to become pure like the gold.

I am rambling, But if you do get through all of that and manage to retain nothing take this away

I am Unhappy. But somehow, because of my mother, Lover and job I am dealing with the unhappiness.

alone, without friends and Alcohol or any other from of substance.

staying in control enough to restrain myself from snapping or transferring aggression from one person to another.

and taking extra care NOT to shroud my unhappiness.

It is almost as though I am wearing my unhappiness and my means of dealing with it as a badge.

with pride and happiness.

My Phone is ringing. I have to go. But remember- I am Unhappy.

ps: I realize this sounds suicidal. But relax I have waaay to many clothes to leave behind for my friends to share. And knowing the people that would likely inherit my material possessions, I intend to stick around and own them for a little bit.  

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