Breakfast

At Tiffany's  The Lovers place this AM was a delicious affair.

We had sooooo much fun. making it. and eating it.

Our friend Shehu was the cook- Which is amazing because shehu is one of the few men who I know can cook

as in cook like he went to cullinary school-so he was a good cook.

It was a good morning. amazing conversation. games of ludo. new music on my ipad.

I am rambling and this is everywhere.

But Take this away - It was the perfect start to say good bye.

While the Lover abhors saying goodbye or even getting remotely excited about anything

he was in such good spirts he agreed to walk me down and kept blowing me kisses and being generally silly.

And he said -call me everyday or I will kill you when you get back.

See- That's how he says good bye.

and when I said " baybee I'll miss you" His reply: Stop Lying, enjoy this break my darling!

My Lover is such a softie. LOL

Last Night his other friend said when he was in Yankee they ( him and some of his guys) went to the strip club and saw one of his other guy's babe there- working as a stripper. And the girl came and said Oh please dont tell my boyfriend- and he didn't tell.

Then he looked me dead in the eyes and said- If you ever try anything like that- Best believe I'm reporting you instantly to The lover.

The Lover said If she is a stripper her pole would be installed in my room.

Im thankful for the relationship I have with his friends and siblings and mother.

It's nice.

Oh today is one of those I woke up on the right side of bed days- good news everywhere around me and I didnt have to go to work- good news I tell you.

Anyways see why it is not good to blog when you are unhappy- No one allows you stay unhappy. 

My friend came to help me pack- Because Ore is an impulse whatifsomethingshouldhappen packer and I end up packing all the excess shit I do not need. 

And THAT single act made me sooo happy.

I need minions- But I'll take friends who stop by to help interim. LOL

Thank you My darling Ori and El- You both are wonderful.

31Day reset

Yay to happiness.

While I have been going around wielding my unhappy badge for whoever stops long enough to ask how I am.

I have also been blog surfing. I ran into Sabirah's blog and she is doing the 31 day reset.

Which seems so apt for what I want and need. a literal turn around.

and yay one I can drag all my non-existent readers on.

LOL I kid- My stats look favourable I just figured out how to check the page hits(  if you are technologically inept like me it means the traffic i.e.  number of people that have visited my blog )

And I can go back to writing my journal, which I did freverently for most of my teenage years( as is evidenced in my 15 year old me posts)

So day one asks that we
A- get a Journal.

I have the most delish Journal the lover gave me with when I kept telling him how much of a writer I was meant to be. I will use that.

B- Get a Mantra.

Whatsoever is True, Pure, Lovely and off Good report. will I speak and do.
Why that Mantra? This is a line of  the Queens college school prayer AND it is an excerpt from Phillipians in the bible. ( which I dont read as much). And I have always wanted to be described as " off good report".


C- Get a theme song.

My theme song is stereo hearts. I didn't have to commit much thinking to this choice.

This and Hey soul sister are my total feel good songs. When I had a dock I listened to it every day.

However my Sub theme song for this reset is - We speak to nations.- The Israel Breed.

So Thats about it.

I'm pretty excited!

Elixir of happiness

My Uterus is on cheap crack.
Tell me why it has decided to not let me be productive today.

Why have you decided to stand in the line of sight of my greatness?

Why wont you let me be?
Instead you attack me and you join my enemies.

You attack me from all angles with wrecking wretched pains and stabs.
I'm bent over trying to be productive and gritting my teeth.

Menstrual pain is the bane of my existence. Even after popping two Feldene pills, The pain is still there.

Along with the other pain I'm feeling. The one that comes from constant unhappiness.

Yes even I do not understand what is going on with me.
I am Unhappy. with stupid bouts of tension headaches.

The only things that keep me going are: My mother. My lover and My Job.

My Mother keeps asking me and begging me to stay put, to manage, to keep it together for her sake.
The Lover keeps telling me to stop being whinny about it.
My job just reminds me I have to be sane to put in effective hours tomorrow.

My friends- ha- What friends?

I have friends, But they exist only for the good times. The ones who hold me during my down time are few and far between- I rarely ever have down time.

Infact, for this is probably my longest spell of unhappiness.

And it greatly troubles me that
1. I cant shake it off.
2. I am getting tired of attempting to wait it out
3. No one can seem to understand what it is I am going through.

Which is odd, because I usually express myself very very clearly and effectively- In that I refrain from implying- I explicitly state and people usually understand.

But that I can not channel this sadness into words. Kills me.

Which I find strange, because I am not having sudden overwhelming surges of tears.

I am not constantly sad- grouchy. snappy and reluctant to go out and see anyone.

(well maybe that has sthg to do with the post subsidy removal prices)


But this unhappy has moved in with me. and has almost become a constant.

Which would not have been so hard to live with except for those two seconds when I wake and everything is right and I feel the happiness and then I remember
 and the unhappiness settles around me like a familiar cloak. Fitting snugly in all the right places.

But unluckily for unhappiness, I have a get away. Tomorrow I leave for a mini- holiday, where there would be no internet. no work. no lover. no sex. just happiness and minus -2 degrees average weather.

and the thought of this makes me happy.
Which I find slightly unnerving because I'd hate to think that no sex is making me happy.

So while I have been scarce to say the least, I will be scarcer still. I will be on a holiday of some sorts and might just take up drinking champagne to see if the rumours about it being the elixir of happiness in liquid alcohol form are true. If I can eventually get past the thoughts of champagne tasting like what I imagine cat piss would taste like.

Now to the positives about being greatly unhappy- I spend huge unhealthy amounts of time with myself- alone with my thoughts or the thoughts of others and strangely I dont want to share these thoughts, I guard them jealously, blogging only sparingly and even then overtly cryptic thoughts are shared.

LOL. I feel like this is a personal journey to finding my purpose. Like a person training to become an alchemist. And somehow because of long hours spent alone tends to become pure like the gold.

I am rambling, But if you do get through all of that and manage to retain nothing take this away

I am Unhappy. But somehow, because of my mother, Lover and job I am dealing with the unhappiness.

alone, without friends and Alcohol or any other from of substance.

staying in control enough to restrain myself from snapping or transferring aggression from one person to another.

and taking extra care NOT to shroud my unhappiness.

It is almost as though I am wearing my unhappiness and my means of dealing with it as a badge.

with pride and happiness.

My Phone is ringing. I have to go. But remember- I am Unhappy.


ps: I realize this sounds suicidal. But relax I have waaay to many clothes to leave behind for my friends to share. And knowing the people that would likely inherit my material possessions, I intend to stick around and own them for a little bit.  

I have lost all the zeal to write.

Before I used to be so eager to come here and talk and talk and talk. Now not so much.

Infact I'm contemplating closing down the blog. Almost 7  years of blogging and I'm just not feeling it.

Scary. but at the same time exciting.

Last Night was my friends birthday. and it was AMAZING!

Like totally amazing for a week day party. and the Lover was amazing as well.

He is an amazing host sometimes- Plus we both had fun, usually when we go out its just same old 

same old. 

But last night was good- Although I wasn't wearing any make up and ran away from all the cameras

and it was the 1st time I came out with my locked hair- AFTER SATURDAY.

I liked it. it was the perfect kodak moment. I'm literally dying to see photoossss.

speaking of photos. what is happening to me?

I hate them all of a sudden. I cant stand my photograph being taken.

This young lady is now *gasp* camera shy. - Who woulda thunk it?

anyways i am still trying to work out what brought that about.

OH LORRRDDDD. 

im getting my 1st oleku made! HELLOOOOOO LEGS ON LEGS ON LEGS!

I'm ecstatic, finally I have arrived.

Now all i seek is a make up artitste.

Speaking of make up artitste, I need a friend who does professional make up

Because yours truly has decided to start wearing make up. and a lot of it.

to all the weddings I attend. starting with the next one.

Weddings have started to excite me. not marriage o.

The actually wedding ceremony!

Its almost the only social call i enjoy- closely followed by stage plays.

as i was saying- I love weddings.

three weeks ago i updated my status to - marriage might be hard work, but weddings are fun fun fun!

Turns out, I have morphed fully into a Yoruba woman- who spends her waking weekend hours trying on

outfits for parties. and her week day hours fantasizing about how she will spray money AND  argue for souvenirs at the parties.

I feel terrible because I had previously judged these women. and now I am one of them.

While I CAN wait to get married. I CAN NOT WAAAAIT TO HAVE A WEDDING!

YORUBA STYLE.

so what has been really good?

ps: Im going on holiday next week. *azontos*

I tell you, this is my year of vacations!

This post is everywhere.

Also thank you to everyone who checked on me when i was having my mini bouts of depression.

I appreciate it.

and to think, I had people who I thought would be all over me. ELA. Its the people I dont send from here to there that were looking after me. calling and shit.

This Life is truly mysterious.

ANYWAYS what is up with people wanting favours from me? of late everybody had been wanting something, while I'm not one to ask except it is desperately important, I have tried to give cheerfully.

Until last week when a class mate of mine randomly called me to say hi. This week same class mate calls to say hello again.

Now why is it strange that my class mates are calling me?

simple- My classmates hated me in Uni. I was that girl that was unserious and spent her weekends in Lagos.

Having a fun time. missing classes and just generally coast through school 

partying with my friends in lagos and building social connections.

My class mates hated me through all of it and the feeling was mutual. I had about a hand ful of friends in my class- AND  we were party monsters( and that is putting it lightly)

anyways  enough about that- I am changed now and i channel my energy to weddings.

So You can imagine my shock/disgust when this my Bible wielding classmate, had to call lil ol' sinner me

to ask to see me. what for?

Turns out class mate is a marketer in the bank and had a target to meet.

Class mate wanted me to make some introductions for him AND wanted to see if he could use some of my social connections to build a network to enable him meet a target.

I LAUGHED.

and laughed. and asked him, " have I ever called to ask you to ask your prayer group to pray for me?"

OK that is a lie. I didn't say that.

I said" I'm busy this weekend, and I'm out of town next weekend- say 1st weekend in June?"

Him : Oh its too late.

Human beings are users and disgusting. You can not frown at my lifestyle for 4 years then call me because I haven't changed my # to use my social connections.

This life is too damn mysterious.

Will I help him? Maybe. but I need time to work through the anger I feel towards his type of people.

A part of me says I should be thankful that God has blessed to the point of becoming a corner stone.

I'm confused.

I saw this and mentally started slow clapping. I brought it here to share, in hope that you would clap along. till it becomes thunderous applause like in the movies.






In June of 1971, just days before his 26-year-old son, Michael, got married, future-U.S. President Ronald Reagan sent him the following letter of advice. It really is quite stunning. All men need to read this!

Michael Reagan
Manhattan Beach, California
June 1971

Dear Mike:
Enclosed is the item I mentioned (with which goes a torn up IOU). I could stop here but I won't.
You've heard all the jokes that have been rousted around by all the "unhappy marrieds" and cynics. Now, in case no one has suggested it, there is another viewpoint. You have entered into the most meaningful relationship there is in all human life. It can be whatever you decide to make it.

Some men feel their masculinity can only be proven if they play out in their own life all the locker-room stories, smugly confident that what a wife doesn't know won't hurt her. The truth is, somehow, way down inside, without her ever finding lipstick on the collar or catching a man in the flimsy excuse of where he was till three A.M., a wife does know, and with that knowing, some of the magic of this relationship disappears. There are more men griping about marriage who kicked the whole thing away themselves than there can ever be wives deserving of blame. There is an old law of physics that you can only get out of a thing as much as you put in it. The man who puts into the marriage only half of what he owns will get that out. Sure, there will be moments when you will see someone or think back to an earlier time and you will be challenged to see if you can still make the grade, but let me tell you how really great is the challenge of proving your masculinity and charm with one woman for the rest of your life. Any man can find a twerp here and there who will go along with cheating, and it doesn't take all that much manhood. It does take quite a man to remain attractive and to be loved by a woman who has heard him snore, seen him unshaven, tended him while he was sick and washed his dirty underwear. Do that and keep her still feeling a warm glow and you will know some very beautiful music. If you truly love a girl, you shouldn't ever want her to feel, when she sees you greet a secretary or a girl you both know, that humiliation of wondering if she was someone who caused you to be late coming home, nor should you want any other woman to be able to meet your wife and know she was smiling behind her eyes as she looked at her, the woman you love, remembering this was the woman you rejected even momentarily for her favors.

Mike, you know better than many what an unhappy home is and what it can do to others. Now you have a chance to make it come out the way it should. There is no greater happiness for a man than approaching a door at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of his footsteps.

Love,
Dad

P.S. You'll never get in trouble if you say "I love you" at least once a day.

(Source: Reagan: A Life In Letters;)

monday after

Mondays after fun packed weekends are difficult.

I am fagged out.  Tired. and I have that smile of satisfaction that comes from only

Indulging in YOLO type activites.

Saturday night was amazing. my friend kept telling everyone at the club

That it was my birthday. lol

Nothing more irritating than making a batch of zobo, that is near perfection- AND then mistakenly adding the wrong flavor, ruining over 10 liters of Zobo.

Damn you! Damn you to hell and back you wretched coconut essence.

Blessed

Last night, on my way back from Demilade's house- I saw two boys going through the trash, gathering cartons to sleep on- as make shift mattresses for the night- and the wind was howling like it wanted to rain.

and in that moment I felt, ungrateful, wicked, and stupid. I have a roof over my head, and I allowed myself get depressed because my sister repeatedly takes, uses and more often than not misplaces my property.

While this is a good reason to get depressed, It shouldn't have gotten me THAT depressed. But it did. and it took seeing those boys to snap out of my depression.

My Lover is probably one of the most amazing people I know. all through this my episode, he had done nothing but stroke my hair and let me cry. not for once saying- suck it up, thats what people do etc.

He has also spoiled me silly with random little presents.

I have also mastered ( or currently in the process of mastering) the art of peppering him with gifts as well.

We are slowly becoming that couple people want to be- But don't want to know how far we have come.

relationships are hard work yo. a bit to hard. But worth it.

I have finally decided to start up my business.

and I am excited about it.

There is so much i want to talk about but I'd hate for this to be a long ass post.- Like the wedding i attended on Saturday.

While i have taken to berating the lover for gathering up grooms-men mileage. I haven't been entirely innocent myself. I have fallen in love with weddings. and especially spraying money. Lord knows i can not wait to start making enough money to spray my friends in 100 USD notes- Olu maintain style.

Till then 100N mint will do.

Turns out this year is going to be my year of vacations after all.

and most of them are all expense paid.

I am blessed. and ungrateful. BUT still blessed.*






*-I should put that on a t-shirt

Not over you

The song I heard on the radio this am.
Has been haunting me all morning.
I decided to download it.
Office internet refused.
MTN agreed but at the slowest possible pace.
I patiently waited- like 50 cent.
and fin- fucking-ally

Its here!

*runs around in circles naked*

..Dreams that's where have to go, to see your beautiful face.
If you ask me how I'm doing, I would say I'm doing just fine.
I would lie and say I'm doing just fine..
and finally I'm forced to face the truth- I'm not over you.
Took this heart and put it through hell, and still you are magnificent.

Incase you haven't noticed- I"m obsessed with heart break songs.

Incase my heart ever gets broken- best believe I have an arsenal of Heart break songs to see
me through that period.

I LOVE them. and this one just became my bestest.

Sad

Today on my way to work, I decided to listen to the radio. The instant I turned it on, Gavin degraw's Over you came on on 96.9 cool fm.

That is officially my best radio station.
Have any of you been so perpetually unhappy about your situation and you are totally helpless towards it?

Like nothing you do can change it- and everyone else just says deal with it?
This is what my life has become.

I am unhappy my every waking hour. from the minute I wake up, till I leave my house a sort of sadness settles over me.

But once im out of the house- I'm happy.

I dont even understand this. ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM NOT MARRIEEEDDD.

apparently this happens to married couples who hate each others guts.

So anyway I find myself spending long hours outside my house, with people I really do not like,

because I don't want to go home- To be with me, who I totally adore, because I am unhappy at home.

I don't know if this makes any sense.

So the only solution left before I lose my sanity is to move out of my house.

While this breaks my heart and is infinitely more expensive- My peace of mind and happiness comes 1st.

So I am house hunting.

and its terrifying. but at the same time exhilarating.

But I'm still sad.

and no I am not PMS-ing.

Luxury

I found 4 of my journals from when i was 15 till when i stopped probably 3rd year of Uni.
hence new blog.

I will be attempting to transcribe what is my chicken scratch of my writing in odd colours of gel pens and throw in a picture once in a while.

and share what twenty something year old me thinks and would have done differently.

I've had such a laugh. The 15 year old me was so silly and smitten with boys- who would have thunk it?

LOL.

Avid readers, yes this is me just randomly showing up and blogging like I never left.
forgive me?
I would try not to leave any more. I've just been so unhappy of late. and dissatisfied. 

#np Sunday Morning