The Reason I cried.

Today I went to church, for the 1st time in a LOOONg time. I don't even remember how long ago it had been. But that dint make me cry.
Neither was it the fact that I ran into my church member who had been barren for 11years with her baby in her arms. Nope that didn't do it.
I'll tell you what did. But 1st I'll digress.
Xmas is a really special period for me. I go home spend time with family and all that. I also tend to meet new people and make new resolutions and never keep them. Not intentionally off course. Last Year I made a lot of Resolutions one centering around crying. Bout how I won't cry for the wrong reasons. Including music.

The Reasn I went to church was I was forced. My mum woulda raised hell so I just went with my friend. It turns out. I was rather glad I went. Christain songs move me. Not to ears or any of those things. But they really touch me and Get me thinkn. Thank You CU.
During the Carol service... A particular song was sung.(I hope dats right) and I started Crying. Not heart wrenchn sobs like ppl see in sd movies or attention seeking tears but those tears u don't even know are coming down till u touch ur Face and u realise it. Yup that kind. Strangely it happend twice. 1st was the hymn the First Noel. Trust me I was shocked too. Why shud this Random hymn move me to tears well I stopped my self.
The first tear jerker was 'Now behold the Lamb' my eyes got misty just typing that. The lines why u love me so lord I shall never know.. Ur d precious lamb of God. Something deep in me stirred. Asides d beautiful renderition. I had to caution my self falling on my knees. I'm not a perfect persn. Far from it. Infact I dnt try. But at church today I was reminded that a perfect being loves me perfectly and I'm undeserving. I assume that made me cry. I wonder if my friend Noticed. I doubt.

Second the hymn 'holy night' the line 'fall on ur knees' that was enuf to get me back in tearVille. I dnt mind. Its just Amazing how less than 24 hrs ago I was at Insomnia and there I was crying silently in d church pew. I wonder how that wud make me feel as God. Lookn down.
That also isn't an issue.
Issue is this I Cried today.
Strangely I'm not ashamed bout crying in daddy's house.
Even more strange is d fact that if that scene were re-enacted I won't mind crying again.
And o just so u know I've cried for stranger reasons. Trust me.


HRS.
#np Omooba D'Prince.

Heartbreaking the other side.

This is not an attempt to justify my past actions. Neither is it an attempt to justify the 'I'm tired' line of Dumping you. This is an explanation of why I or rather my nice growing club of heart breakers act the way we do.
Rewind to when we first met. How funny and cute we were? How it was that u had ur own before I came along. And how I Complimented you, instead of completing you? Do u remember? How cool it was that we both lived our lives. Entwined but still independent?
Exactly!
Fast forward to now. Every conversation is a where are we going? Or what do we name the kids? Or where are we gonna live? Where did the vibrant being I fell in love with dissapear to? Where? Who is this spinless being? That clings so close it draws my bllod like a leech? No I want my being back. And yes I feel slight to. U made promisesa never to change expressely and implied everytime I complimented you and u thanked me.
And what's all this talk about me taking your happiness? If I took it. It never really was urs. Truth be told only U can make U happy. Me I'm just a catalyst in the whole experiment. U may seem happier with me. But it really isn't.
And what of my own happiness. That I feel trapped in a r/ship going no where. At least not ur destination. And I decide not to lead u on.. Yet I'm cruel? And a heart breaker. The truth is simple what u want I cannot give and yes sex was great last night but I respect you more than a 20min sex session.. I knoe ur dreams mean more than an orgarsm.
And I respect that so much that I decide to step back and let u find ur self?
If this considerate acts of mine make me a killer. Them maybe this special hell isn't too bad at all.
I believe happiness and contentment come from within and notfrom who you are with at a particular time. Maybe just maybe after so many tries u may have realised this.
That being said.

About last night. It dint go as expected there were no swear words no cursing. NOTHING.
And I thought that hurt. I chose to be considerate and tell u your face that we can't be more that friends and u say NOTHING!
Ok cool.
But just so he knows.. I wish he had insisted to play with my hair. Or pulled me in for a hug or something. Instead of just staring at me like we both didn't know how this was going to end. I'm sorry for all d conflicting messages I sent you. I'm sorry I couldn't give u what u wanted. And most importantly I'm sorry for living up to my Reputation of a heartbbreaker.
If u insist I was scared u didn't do a good enuf job of reassuring me. For that alone u should take some of d blame. I mean if I could convince u to give me ur heart why couldn't you do the same for me.
I really wish you nothing but happiness. But realise it may have been my inadequacies to meet the dreams u dreamt so soundly that caused me to walk away.
At the end of the day I hope u see how much I cared for u to walk away.
And even if I never remain friendly with my past involvments Then for u I'd make an exception.

HRS.
Heartbreaker BoyfriendTaker Troublemaker.

#np always remember me- Noisettes

Resposibility.

Today I have a meet. With a certain someone. I dread this meet, simply because I would have to take responsibilty for how I acted.
I'm not proud of my actions. So I have to apologize. This is the one thing I hate doing. Especially if I have to do it face to face.
Any ways I think this blog post is a practise run of how tonight would go.
Him: so u don't reply my texts and calls anymore.
Me: um um. I'm seeing some1else now. The same someone who I've been with in d last one year. I'm sorry I led u on. Find it in ur heart to forgive me. I know how important what we had was to u. It's important to me too. Its just not my priority. And I'm not going to ask us to remain friends. Or even have u say hey to me when u see me. I'm sure u'll find it in ur heart to forgive me. Things really don't have to be this way. And I wish maybe just maybe we can be friends in d later future.
I'm really going to miss you and what we had.
Him: so basically ur dumping me?
Me: um I said I hope we could be friends in d later future.
Him: fuck this men! Ur walking home.
Me: I'll take a cab.
Or I could keep lying to him and have him comfortably as boyfriend no2!
I think I'll take responsibility and whateva happens. Would happpen.


#np meet me halfway. BEP.
HRS. Heartbreaker, Boyfriendtaker, Troublemaker.

DAY THREE.

I think i am beginning to love this place, its hilarious. all this babes from jand/ yankee are major trips... they amuse my friends n i terribly.
i woke up this morning to see a lady lactating. and all i can is that..its never that serious. ahn even ur baby at home thinks dat too.
exercises this mmorning was fun. i was in front of my platoon march past and things. i Loved that too.. although i kept messing up. had breakfast with my noise-maker friends..yes Indomie and egg. dont judge me.
i also think im gaining weight..
so last night, my friend Afolabi and i decided to get drinks. this was a very bad idea because Afo n I are verry funny people. that did not stop us tho. we decided to have Red wine. then Tola showed up and decided that we make cocktails. which was a good idea.. if u ask 2 already drunk people. besides the red wine was warm.. ha ha. so we mixed that with smirnoff ice. again very bad idea. all i take away from last night is some girl who used to be involved with Lanre. discussing Lanre with me.. haha! now that was funny.
after being wasted, i think i called Diddy. im not t sure, i also think i chatted with Rick Ross, again Not to sure.
of all this i am sure of one think as from today.. its malt or nothing.
and i know im lying .. but whateva!! :) ha ha

#nowplaying patron tequila paradise girls/ lil jon..

DAY 2.

The internet here is terrible. to saythe least.anywayscamp has been ok so far..got into a squabble with one of my hostel solders... she was shocked. well a lot of people were, but then thats whatuget for taking the piss with a corper.:)he he!
im worried i need 2 get outta here i havent studied proper in 3 whole days. and because the stupid solder reportd me 2 mycamp director.. I have to scale:) and i thank CU for these extra-ordinary skills.
had the swearing in thing today. went well, stod in the sun for 3 hours, doing nothing.on the upsidemy platoon worked today so i did nothng.
drinks with woma went well last night, i think i got quite tipsy and lost my tounge on my solder woman. but whatever.
today i made a new friend.. well we shall call him brain. as in pinky n the brain. he is all kindsa smart i LOVE!!!
now i wanna go sleep but i know i shouldnt. by the way my kakhi's wernt pencil'ed properly so i couldnt Rock my bee look in 'if i were a boy' but i think i tried sha... however istill mintain, NYSC is a bastard and should be abolished. on the upside ithas convinced me that i need a BB, yes so im eventually gonna get one...MYself..
oh and yeah i miss Ricky to bits.. hope he's setled in,i shud call him,im doing shakara.
and accordingt to Diddy my shakara i splenty. however i have missed twitter and now cant waitfor these exams to finish. so that life starts..
camp is getting boring jo.

DAY ONE.

NYSC/cuo/2009/ 0*****

Now sitting under my platoon canopy, waiting for the stuff. NYSC does crazy/ scary things to you. Ricky n I are now cool thank you NYSC. In the sweltering Heat all i can think about is my chicken n my coke in my bag. out of consideration, im not eating. OK i lied, i want no one to beg me. just spotted potiential camp boyfriend. Platoon member oogling me shamelessly. I do not smile back. he just stood up.. nope he's not potiental anymore.. the smell of rubber shoes remind me of a trye factory not like ive been , but i imagine that this is what they smell like.
OMG just spotted one Tom-Tom Gucci Fanny pack. aka waist pouch, dont ask. all i did was see. and why the hel are ppl not filling thier forms properly. Now looking on Ogle boy's form tryna spot his Uni. LOL. he attened Uni-Ilorin.exit stage left, NEXT!!!!

thank God i brought sunglasses. my eye's will be the lightest shade of brown in d next 3 weeks if i dint:) Strangely i think imma have fun at this camp. But now i miss Ricky, he left his call up letter at home.. smart alec.
OH n during my PG test, i couldnt pee i had 2 drink 2 bags of pure water and then some...
i never thot i'd say this but i miss twitter. and just for the record no one here has caught my eys just yet.
Where are all the hot boys at camp nowwwww??
oh n yeah my PG test came out Negative. oh snap! lol NOT major relief. i wonder why i keep thinking im PG.
ok just spotted a nice looking boy... with a rubber bucket. WTF??-500 points, but a small bag. i like that:)
I just spotted a dude that looks like Ricky. I admit im atrracted to huge men. SUE me. im skinny so im guessing i like a lil meat on him in the mix. just saying..
OMDZZZZ JESUS i spoke too soon, see this cutie CUTIE CUTIE. ahn ahn bobo toh bad!!
in other news.. one IGBO-esque lady infront of me, thick accent begging the platoon dude to pick her form.. bitch sit down! Girl beside me has Red eye pencil and the 1st half of the brow is black.:)
so just putting this out there. i have plans to Pencil my ugly green trousers. Serioulsy. ok just spotted two other Ricky-esque looking brothers.. i like. scratch that I LOVE!! ahn and Debo stil hasnt called me:(
ok imma get off this and start staring into space now:)

#now thing. NYSC= now your suffering continues.

Prodigal daughter.

For the longest time i have deserted God. Yes i have not prayed in the last 3 months. Mainly because i felt myself to busy and quite frankly still mad. But the last three days have shown me that God owes me nothing, this humbled me profoundly. And today yes i shall pray, and Read my bible. I know how hard it will be, but i will do it and since God isn't human i know there will be no sneering welcome back greetings, just a warm welcome back, and a 'please don't stray away it hard when you are gone message'. I love that about the God i serve. And I'm truly grateful for another chance to serve. And since i shall begin attending church on Sunday, i look forward to the walk with Jesus. yes i do.

#nowplaying Again. Donnie McClurkin

HRS.

the 21st that never will be.

Ive always bee n told how lucky i am that i have my whole life planned out for me. how grateful i should be that i have every thing i i have. how appreciative i should be off the men in my life.
But at the same time i think to myself when ever im faced with such a lecture ' is it bad o want more?' and when i voiced out that thought to a couple of close friends, lets just say i felt very ungrateful.
i skipped a week of lounging last week to study, needless to say, i did not study. well not as much as i expected. and in my mind, i let my mummy down. Yes im a mummy's girl and im proud.
but getting back. Every1 dreams of a splendid 21st. me inclusive. although the plans i made, got cancelled.(not my fault) i still always just hoped something would come up. Well something did, and it wasnt what i expected. and i do not wish this on anybody. ICAN. yes ICAN showed up and ruined the supposedly best summer of my life. Somehow it also managed to get involved with the Government and coincide with NYSC, leaving my birthday basically as a day of well.. nothing. and so as i blog tonight(simply because if i do this in my journal i will cry) i know Novemebr 2nd is going to be a blur.The most upsetting part is that i already know and can do nothing about it.
On the upside im shaping my future and whatnot. Truth be told, i really do not know what i want to do. but what ever it is, im hoping my sacrifice of my 21st would aid it in ways i would look back and thank God i made that sacrifice.
Till then i slave over my books.

to blog or not to blog

there are very few people who have influence on my actions. ok scratch that there are very few people who i allow have influence on my actions. reasons being that i really do not know what thier intentions are towards me.
anyways i feel sick this weekend and received not one condolence visit. yes no phonecalls no messages. no nothing. and as i was lamenting to my friend she broke i down to me. she simply said, they boys think your preggers and they do not want 2 be the baby daddy. ok. very nicely said. at this point i was doing a mental audit of my friends. and then i realised im the pillar one whom every1 runs to when they want/ need some1. and i also realised that i have no one to be a pillar for me. except my mummy. whateva the case armed with this new realisations of mine, im going to put myself first, despite how anyone else see's it and if they do not like it.*sigh* they should take it up with Jesus. and after all that's been said and done i think im actually beginning to fall sleepy.
hopefully i'll remeber my blogspot password and blog more often.
HRS.