Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Self Preservation

When I was about to get married, EVERYBODY. and I mean errbady and their one eyed dog gave me marital advice.

I was gracious enough to receive it smiling, but most of it was along the lines of " Cater to your husband, pander to his every whim etc etc" I actually asked someone if he had given Eros stern warning to look after me.

He laughed and said- Just do the one I'm telling you . But I digress.

My aunt called me and said that she wants to tell me something and that as I am getting married, It is something I need to remember.

I internally rolled eyes, because here was yet another wife of my family coming to tell me to pander to my husband.

What she told me has been an antithesis of everything Everyone told me. And I will share it with you.

She said when she got married, she had a job, and her husband was doing his own thing; Just like you and your husband she laughed.

She said she would wake up, do school runs, go to work, run back to school pick up her kid after school, settle him at home; then go back to work. And come home and cook and clean and fuck her husband.

And it was not like she minded, because what mother or wife does not want to drop of her kid, or cook for her husband but you cant and shouldnt buy into the myth of Super woman.

Me- Side eye.

She said she had asked her husband to relieve her on afternoon pick up and he said nah- shey she has been doing it, go and pick him abeg, I'm busy.

And so she was carrying her cross jejely in peace.

Till one day.

She said she was sent to Niger for work abruptly. She had to drop her kid off and go straight to Niger but assumed she would be back same day.

She was stuck in meetings so her husband could not reach her. She was stressing about how would her kid get home, what would he eat.

Eventually she spoke to her husband, he was LIVID, Like where are you, why didnt you pick up the phone, the school called and I had to go pick up our son.

Her- I'm still at work.

Him - Fumes *repeat till fade*

Plot Twist, she did return same day and was actually holed up in her sister in law ( my other aunt's house); who told her she was mad for that schedule she was running and she would soon break down and she should sit it out, the house would run without her presence. And this was her deliverance from Afternoon school run.

She went home the next day , and life continued as usual except she didn't do afternoon school runs again.

She told me, when you get married, you want to bend over backwards and please your husband and do almost everything to make his life a comfort.

And you will find that no one is looking out for you and you are burning out.

You need to incorporate some self preservation so you do not completely loose your essence because- married.


And I was like- (in my mind obv) see bad market.  This one wants to come and scatter marriage that hasn't even started.
I'm finding that as I go along, she was right.

She knew what she was saying.

And I am thankful that I got deliverance before even starting the Journey. Hence all the- but aren't you a married woman story. But that is neither here nor there.

The advice allows me to live a guilt free life that society tries to impose on young married women so that they sit on a moral high horse & remain generally unhappy.

My aunt died last week.

Under 40. with two kids under 10 and a husband who I know is how hopelessly lost.

They had been dating from Jamb lesson.

I cant quite call my uncle to tell him sorry, because, what do you say?
And how do you say it?

Death is such a horrible reminder that- Life is short. And comes fast at you. And I must live life to the fullest.

Rest in peace, Ewy.

You will be sorely missed & you will always be deeply loved.


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