Nobody has to know

Three things:

I wear black on mondays' to mourn the weekend.

I did not go to Dubai. But my husband went- So much for two becoming one.

I have my next holiday planned abeg.

I'm going to Gambia, to eat fish and watch SATC from season one sipping moscato and have nobody affi know type sex.

Why did I just come across this song by Kranium?

TOTALLY ON REPEAT ALL DAY.

But raises two trains of thoughts in my head.

ONE:

Do Jamaican men actually fuck women this graphically?

Or is it just in the music as an export? ( think how the theme of Nigerian music is pangolo)

TWO.
Are these girls, who you can detect their freakiness by looking in their eyes a thing?
What girls you ask?
The one's who open down the pole like a stripper, with pussy popping on a hand stand type girls that these Jamaican men sing about.

If yes

How does one morph into one of these girls?

And If No,

How does one become the first of these girls?

Ps: There are two nicer remix's but just like pringles; I prefer the original.

UPDATE.

I am sorry. I need us to collectively stare into the greatness that would be TY dollar $ign's eyes.

Because I am a good person.

Time stamp in video: 1:46, 1:50, and 1:56.

Pss: the way he looks at her in 1:56&1:57 is everythinggggg.

Question

Would it be irresponsible of me to Abscond.

Scratch that- HOW irresponsible will it be for me to abscond from work for two days; Leaving my brand new staff alone WHILE

I go to dubai for the Weekend?

Answer- VERY.

But why am I still considering it?

*sigh*

Wise men say...

I saw this advert AND  ALL THE FEELS!.

3am and sleepless in Abuja.

It has been raining non stop. Like literally it starts at 5:00pm DAILY and just wont stop!

So upsetting!

Anyways.

I am actively Looking for a job; incase anyone knows anyone who needs an accountant.

Get at me.

And on the Nth day

Oreoluwa got married!

Well Legally anyway. You can unclutch your weaves now

There is still a party to be had.

And I can swear by this because - MY MOTHER, showed me up at my registry.

She  had asked if She could invite people- I said No. " My husband and I" ( ps- LOVE the H-word)

would be wanting something small and intimate.
HO!HO!HO!!!

I invited no one because- I mean it's registry and It was a monday and what have you.

My mother ( AND MOTHER IN LAW) *side eyes both of them*

INVITED EVERYONE THEY COULD FIND.

I'm not joking.

also had a reception party at the house- That did not end till 12 mid night.

As you can see the battle can never be won. So I'm bowingoutgracefully

Mummy you can have this one.

but first THANK YOUS ARE IN ORDER
*IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER- asides the first one*

Thankful to God- I keep saying this ( in real life not blog life obv) BUT I do not think marriage was on my landscape; I had some what resigned my fate to this baby girl life of spoiling other people's children and having my own space and generally NOT getting married.

For the strangest reason.

Which is probably why -EVERYONE kept saying I was being waay too logical about the whole thing.

Still feel's like it's someone else's life- BUT in the best possible way.

so God thank you. For giving me the gift of marriage.

Plus This whole marriage thing HAS BEEN SUCH A STRUGGLE.

from family tussles; to drama with my mama; to Friction with my brother in laws.

Look this journey has been LONG and arduous.

And finally we get here. In one piece. So much to be thankful for really.

And in no particular order:

My momma and Mother in law, both of you are bae's respectively. thank you both. God's blessings forever and ever.

My cousin Oni- Amazing MUA. came through ALL the way from festac to beat my face- Thank you.

My siblings including but not limited to- my mothers siblings as well.

My aunt who flew in all the way from landin town for the registry

her husband who gave me a ticket To DXB because he missed the registry

All my aunt's friends who came through and dashed me money

My friends who came through , Chioma, Doyin, Kris, Jade, Yetunde,Ope.
Ps- you people are stars. But next time come with present.
pss- You guys can use my birthday to make up.
But from the bottom of my heart thank you

Lekeeee! photgo. of Laive. Thank you.  I hope they are not angry at you again

To ALL my family. I am amazed at how much all of you have done for me.

And I'm just going to let go and be chill re-all the other wedding celebrations.

Finally my Husband *eek* I can not believe I get to call you that in this life. I am truly thankful.
because we have the oddest love. But it is our's none the less.

Ps: people keep calling me Mrs *redacted*
And I keep telling them. Thats my mother in law

Please my name is Ore.

Super woman and all that good stuff

Went back to the treadmill today.

With a knee brace. 15 minutes on the incline at 6km/hr

Look.

no one can tell me ANYTHING.

KILLED IT.

and put in my 90 sit ups today.

As I said- KEEEELLLLLLLLLLD EEETTT.

Some times I feel like a fraud.

Like I am actually going to look at houses.

To live in, with a man, who is going to be my husband.

It feels surreal.

Like I will wake up one day and someone will tell me I stole someone (more deserving's) dream

and even worse I have to give it back.

Ps- This is not me saying I do not deserve good things. but this year has been a bit too legitimately amazing for me.

And if anyone has done nothing to even bring all these. It is me.
I must have been super good in my past life.

Trust me.

LG- Life's might good now.

On getting married; I think its really weird how people can never really be honest about it with you.

Like because we are stuck in a culture of speaking badly about our husbands; Older women's hands are tied when giving you examples.

I am not being delusional into thinking marriage is easy or all fluff.

I know its hard work- But you know what else is hard work- getting a masters degree

and there are a 1001 templates and cookie crumbs to follow.

Now there are more married women than masters degree holders; can someone explain to me why all I'm getting is just be praying; There is nothing God can not do.

Please can married women do more Tell ALL'S?

And I'm not talking about marital infidelity. I'm talking about co-habitting struggles.

Because I do not know if you people know this but - Totally clueless.

Enough about marriage.

Four other things.

-I hate women who never allow people to drink water drop cup before chipping in my husband.

Like husband is a $100 bill in social currency in Nigeria ( probably is)
worst part- I am about to morph into one of those my husband will not like it women.
( Stop I'm still judging myself)

-How expensive is getting married.

Quite. Very expensive. I might be sleeping on my mattress on the floor in my matrimonial home because bed frame in Lagos costs N150,000.

And it is not even a guaranteed good nights sleep because: Lagos traffic

-Please who is the Local government chairman in Ikoyi?

the roads are fucking deplorable.

Like its fucking Ikoyi- please get your shit together. Thanks

-Is there a school where Nigerian artistes go and get their lyrics.
They are actually something else.
Currently watching  HIP TV lyrics show and look

We are all collectively in trouble as Nigerians regarding the quality of the lyrics; I promise.

I know I said four ( but when do I ever keep it at 4?)

I saw the bodyguard yesterday with Whitney & Kevin and OMG. ALL THE FEELS.

ps- why are you creatives crazy?
 Like why are all of you collectively crazy? Men and women?

it is so damn surreal how crazy creatives are. they are really really really crazy people.

Finally.

I used to be a flipping social butterfly.

Like So chirpy and having a calender so full of events.

And having friends come through my house all the damn time.

Now- I have ZERO SOCIAL COMMITTMENTS.

its surreal and unfair abeg.

And When ever I have enough guts to confront my friends about it- They hit me wit that

YOU ARE NEVER AROUND.

Akwaba from ghana.

I just got back from dinner with my friend and OMG

Ghana has been soo goood to me and my skin.

And my bladder and my diet.

Again I am so thankful for the opportunity to travel.

And shop.

Since I am furnishing my home * OMG how grown up does that sound??*

I picked up a few paintings from here and I can not wait to put them up.

speaking of home furnishing.

Do not get married. it is a trap.

How can trying to get married and just become double be so expensive.

*stares lustfully at the wedding registry at Spar/Mega Plaza/ all the house hold supermarkets in Lagos*

On Tampons and Ex-boyfriends

I started wearing tampons relatively early

I say relatively judging my the senior aunties on my TL that haven't ever tried them.

Let me tell you tampons have made me a better person.

How did I get into Tampons?

I am glad you asked that question.

When I was in Uni, I was dating someone. (not seriously- Casually) * this line will self destruct because I have no ex's.

Anyway So I used to whine. WHINE. to my then bae, about how; I hated Always. ( sanitary pad)

I was ALWAYS getting stained.
Forget those stupid adverts.
I would be on my period and EVERY single night I would draw map of Japan on my bed

Every single night. Some days sef I would go and visit someone in their room, Get up to go and boom -Me stuttering; Sorry I think I stained your bed)

Plus the sticker on the pad wings were horrible.
As in; the thing would stick on my pubic hair and give me an unrequested bikini wax.

In essence my period days were dark and struggle filled.

I mean there were other issues But bloody sheets every morning and sticky pads to my bikini line were at the top of the foodchain.

Anyway fastforward to My then boo going on IT and coming to visit me in school. He had a surprise for me

A Box of tampons.

I was slightly hesistant because -Urgh to putting this thing into my vagina.

And what if it gets stuck and what if the rope cuts and all the what ifs.

Anyway So I used a tampon, and except that one time when my tampon over flowed.

I have never till this day experienced any staining.

Except when I want to allow my Vag rest.

And I get stained. Again like clock work.

Will forever be thankful and grateful to my ex boyfriend for putting me on tampons.

Now Three other things.

I do not ever use Nigerian always.
I know how bougie It sounds but the foreign pads, You might as well be wearing panyt.

I love the texture.

Second- no more unwarranted bikini waxing.

The glue stays on to the other wing stead fast.

Like My mother knows all she needs to buy me when she travel's " london always and mac lipstick at duty free".

Even the always SP, I bought when I went to gambia was superior. ( Lions of africa- how far??)


Two
I never use paper applicator tampons.

because I imagine that the claws of the applicators scratching against my insides and so;
I always ALWAYS ALWAYS use the plastic applicators.

Three

They say you shouldn't ever keep in your tampons for more than 8 hours because of TSS.
Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Apparently there is a 30% death rate from TSS in America.

which loosely translates to 3 in 10 women that enter the hospital because of this reason -DIE.

its high.

so be careful, If you do decide to morph into a tampon weilding ninja like myself-

Try to shower twice a day and change your tampon at least twice a day which means you will use at least 3 tampons a day fulfilling the 8 hour rule for tampons. (24 hours divided by 3 is 8) so you are safe. ( rough estimate)


So you know how I spoke about talking to jeweler, So I fixed an appointment.
You guys this appointment was like by 10pm.
9:45 my alarm went off and I was running around like a headless chicken because

Ore couldn't remember her skype password AND Eros was being a slow coach ( because I woke him up from sleep)

Shaaa at 10:01 nepa took light.
Children of God at 10:03 Gen came on

at 10:06 gen went off.
So I ask Eros; Should we just skype him with your phone?

Him: In this darkness,you want him to think you are poorer than you already think you are- being Nigerian.

Side bar: My co-worker met Eros today and said - he is so strict.

me: Huh? My Bubba is a teddy bear.

But secretly excited that she knows to tuck in that familiarity.