A memory

 Its 1998 and my mother is finally moving us to the new house.

A month earlier she had taken all on a tour to the new place with her then boyfriend who she said helped her furnish the house.

At the time, I didn't understand why he didn't just buy it for her; but also at the time I did not know a lot about men. 

So we look around it is delightful, a four bedroom flat in a block of flats with two doors with no fence vs our old house that was a ground flat in fenced in concrete compound that contributed too much to the scars on my siblings knees from rough play.

Anyway you flipped it, it was an upgrade.

The first night we move in, my cousins ( my late aunt's children), move with us, it is the most delightful sleep over. My cousins are younger and my sister and I teach them all the songs we used to sing in QC during night prep. My sister teaches them some dance steps.

At the time we moved in my mother could not afford bed frames or curtains, so the mattresses are on the floor and mismatched wrappers serve as curtains.

But all of those are minor details. The house felt like heaven. At the old house the people who lived in the next compound could have as well been ghosts because we never saw them, and everytime our ball flew into that compound, we dreaded going to knock for it because the only sounds we ever heard from there was the father of the house beating his kids. One of the girls was named joke.

Anyway almost as if God wanted to restore all the years the canker worm had eaten, we had seven neighbors ( because the block had 8 flats), and one of the families was from northern africa. 

Ahmed Hadiza  Yahaya & Faiza ( who died from a brief illness), all of whom became best friends with each of my siblings.

I loved living in that estate, because even though the  1998 me didn't know it at the time- It was the best of times.

Better times are always ahead, but the memories of the first night in the new house my mother bought shared with my cousins will always be one I cherish. 

Offcourse Nepa took light- but that only made it more fun. 

Because when you have all the people you love around you, Nepa taking light is infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things.

Even the me of 1998 knows this.

Things that make you happy

 I love Fur Elise.

Today I found about a rapper D smoke, absolutely handsome in the hood way that black American rappers are. Anyway he is in Lagos, but that isn't what made/ makes me happy. I'm scrolling through his Instagram because its 2021 and that is what you do when you are mildly intrigued by a man in 2021.

Check his IG. 

So I'm scrolling his IG and he has a post where with the most beautifully manicured hands is playing a piece of classic music.

The caption endears me to him, but him playing the piano makes me happy.

I love Fur Elise for a lot of reasons, It is the sound that I associate with what is the Nigerian equivalent of the ice-cream truck, and fancy door bells in middle class homes.

And when I say associate, I mean it is the sound the truck played. 

And that is sound that you heard when you pressed the fancy door bells instead of the regular shrill ringing sound that irritates your friends mom, when out of excitement you leaned on the doorbell a little too long, because it's 4pm and you need your friend to come out and play.

It is also the piece of music at the end of my classical music piano book and I can not wait till I get there, I am currently at Tallis' canon.

And today what makes me even more happy, it is the piece Anastasia* was playing when she got arrested.

* She is Alexei Navalny's associate. and he is the crazy guy who the KGB tried to kill, who exiled himself to Germany and then came back and is now arrested.

Describe your personality

Colourful.

But not colourful like a distinct colour that can never be mistaken for another colour.

Colourful in the subtle way when you hold up a painted surface to light it shows you one colour,

and in different light a different colour.

Maybe not a different colour, but hues on a gradient. 

Think iridescent. 

But a firmly in a colour spectrum.

The spectrum is love and kindness, but somehow misses niceness.

So I am the person who will sit hours with you to figure out how to solve a problem that I had no parts in creating and the solving of said problem accrues no benefits to me.

The nature of the kindness my personality possess, is the "just because" kind.

No rhyme or reason.

I am predictable, in the way that the people who know me have a vague idea of how I may react to a situation eg anger/ excitement etc but at the same time unpredictable in that, they have no idea how angry I may get. Will I pour my drink in someone's face or will I walk out in slight annoyance. 

I love to think I am an open book, but apparently I may have mastered the art of saying a lot without saying anything deeply personal. 

So I will tack "slightly mysterious" to my personality descriptors.

But really I just subscribe to the school of, it's not a secret its just not your business.

Overarchingly, my personality is optimistically positive, with a sharp wit that was honed from my ugly duckling years.

I like to tell the men who I met that they come for my looks, but stay for my amazing personality.

Double delight.

If I could change one thing about my personality, It'll be to give people fewer chances.

But  I'm learning to trust my gut more, it has never failed me.

and it wont start now. 

New Year ( and urgh what is this new layout?)

 I love new years because ya girl be making GRAND PLANSSS.

anyway just swinging in to say happy new year and I am super grateful for how 2020 ended and I am looking forward to migrating to my new lifestyle website soon. eek

So exciting... Honestly 2021 is gonna be d bomb!

:)

Hope yall are well and keeping safe etc etc

Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah

 So thankful to see the December 2020. 

I feel like this year has drawn so many hallelujah's from my soul.

Many of which were cold and broken.

But broken crayons still color so Hallelujah for the end of 2020. 

Kai. 

So so thankful.

So so many good things happened to and for me this year most important of all is all the resting I got to do, and let me tell you if there is anything 2020 has taught me it's that, there is no need to do EVERYTHING. 

As someone who did everything, I didn't even realise how little grace I was giving myself to lean into the full rest that was present till 2020 gave me the plate to do nothing and let me tell you.

Less is MORE.

Anyway if you can not tell, I am so happy to see the end of this year and get into some gratitude sprinkling to usher in a fantastic 2021.

I know lots of people are nervous about declaring good things about 2021. 

But NOT I, said the cat. I am going to to speak many good things regarding my 2021 with a voice as big as the sea.

2021 is going to bring myself and my family

 glad tidings,

 great joy, 

success stories, 

shouts of joy, 

two turtle doves 

and a partridge in a pear tree.

So speak good things into your life, you deserve them.

Wishing everyone an uber dramatic (but in a totally good way) December.

Also, not writing here much because gathering content for the new house per my last post. super excited about that as well. Cant wait! eek!

One House

After writing on a million and one personal sites on the internet for over 10 years, I have decided to get everything in one place one one page.

ie. the personal finance column I write for peermentors, My travel blog, my tiny letters and also this personal blog. None of which I'd be deleting just moving to one place and consolidating them there.

One of my biggest concerns is how private I want to be but how public I worry that I'd be forced to become. but we'll see. this is definitely something I'm mad excited about because on some level I'd been stressed about not having my whole writing in one place but now I'm really looking forward to having a website where ALLLL of these will be sitting pretty.

Not sure the direction in which it will evolve but I'm excited about starting it.

Honestly Can't wait. I'm still finalizing the format and content calendar and contributors but definitely looking at a mid august roll out.

In other more important news, I hit a 100 day streak on my bible app. thank you Corona. being able to stop and chill gave me room to attempt to cultivate a relationship with God, and really just read the bible which is why when I set the 100 day target I was like hmnnn. Just take it one day at a time. and like joke like joke, I have hit and surpassed it and I do not know how to act. LOL.

I have applied to two jobs, for two very different roles, One I'm at the second stage of interviews and the other one took roughly 6 weeks to come back to me and tell me no. It was when they said no that I realized that maybe I wanted that one more. But no use crying over split milk now is there?

I only started realized that maybe I need to start taking the job search seriously when my home girl asked me to loan her some money and I had to say no because I actually didn't have spare cash. One of the things I pride myself on in life is having spare cash to loan my friends and family when they ask. And because I have a super strict budget- hello emergency funds- saying no to her during payroll week made me sad, even though I know I had no reason to be sad.

So I started filling out OTHER job applications that honestly I'm like meh. Infact one role that is $60k a year, I did the assessment and was just so tired that I didn't bother to complete the process because abeg. Then the Hiring manager called me from Yankee to ask if I was going to complete it because I scored super high. I said yeah sure and planned to ghost. But I'll do it now sha.

This other job that I wanted in the beginning of the year, and got called for an interview but I blew off because I was going on vacation and then got rescheduled and I never heard back from them because corona, have put up the job availability. I know all I need to do is fill out the application and It'll be a breeze because I already have the networks and etc etc but I'm SOOOO lethargic about doing it.

I've spent the last few months really knowing myself and getting super specific about certain things such as, the kind of work that will suit my personality; the kind of work relationship I want with my direct boss ( the kind 007 and M had); the amount of money I'd love to earn; the kind of tasks I want to do daily and just how much public speaking I'd like to do outside of work. And honestly the two jobs in the last two paragraphs- no too fit in. The very first two I applied for are more suited to me and my person tbh.

In other news, I  singlehandedly organized a fund raiser and provided mattresses and food items for a less privileged home last month. Honestly I've struggled with speaking about it because 1- I feel some type of way and 2- I don't know that I should be sharing it. I am super proud of myself. Was telling T and he said not everyone who feels bad about something can singlehandedly change it in response to me telling him that my heart was SO heavy after seeing the video. When I told him that he was like- lots of people would have felt bad and kept it moving, but you paused and did something about that feeling.

And that's such a great thing. And honestly just having to ask people for money non stop scared me shitless which was why I went above and beyond in the reconciliation bit. Haha.

And everyone was soooooooo gracious. it was a great feeling. And the cherry on the cake was that the next time I went to the home, they had tarred the road, so it was great all around.

Someone also asked me to come and sit on the board of an NGO he owns. I was like - LOL PASS. 

In more positive news, I got my nails did today. And I do not know how to act. I'm so excited because honestly the evil corona has done is enoughhhh.

However it gave me a book club; a 100 day bible streak; time to settle down and organize and donate to the less privileged and allowed me see what my ideal life could really be like if I took out Lagos hustle and bustle. And I feel very blessed and I do not take it for granted.

Honestly I recognize the place of privilege that I sit in currently to be unfrazzled about being unemployed. Infact, my friend came by for me to assist her on some personal finance ish and after an hour mentioned that I hadn't mentioned that I am looking for a job. And I was thinking to myself well that is not why we are here, and shamefully - I don't think you'd be able to employ me anyway so, why should I mention it to you? Plus I already had the two options I really wanted already lined up.

Anyway I am thankful that I do not have to deal with the anxiety that comes with searching for a job because "Corona is outside" and also because I'm just super chilled. Life is good.

I have some even more interesting personal news I am bursting to share but hopefully come august when all the ducks have fully lined uppp then I"ll announce it.

I really love my nails and I even love the nail girl more. I miss attending lagos weddings, going on uncountable dates and being on the receiving end of attention from lagos boys. 

Which is strange because I haven't opened bumble ONE time during this lock down and I stopped replying messages from boys. Stranger things have happened sha.

Blogspot changed their layout again. OH LORD.

Half year review- But it's really 5 months

Ah June is already here and honestly this year could not be any stranger if it tried, that being said, the earth keeps spinning, white policemen continue to kill unarmed black men in America and Hercules continues to be a much better cook than me.

Without much a do, lets get into it.

On relationships

This year I really wanted to get fundamental relationships i.e my female friendships in my life sorted. I have spent a good portion of my life being there for people, and helping them so I had hoped that if the need arose, I'd be comfortable enough to ask the people in my life for help.
I don't know if it is corona, or that people are just who they are but I have been unable to find the depth of satisfaction I am seeking in friendships. I guess everyone is a little preoccupied.

On doing difficult things that I had struggled with.
One of the things I realllllly wanted to do this year was build a reliant relationship with God starting with studying his word. It is with great pleasure and some pride( I'm not gonna lie) that I announce to you my 6 week, 42 day streak on the bible app. All the Glory goes to Jesus because I had started a first streak and 9 days in I lost it. And I am not ashamed to say that I considered  turning back the clock to get the back, but I was like- whats the point? I missed a day but God is ever present, so we move. And here we are at 42 days. When I get to 50. I'm writing a separate post and dedicating it to God.

Another difficult thing I ( not struggled per say) wanted to do was build a work out routine into my lifestyle.
I have not really had the need to lose weight for aesthetic purposes because thankfully my body type is in vogue with the flavor of the Szn. Naomi WHO?
But for the longest time I'd always wanted to be able to do 25 push ups. Now the best part of this is that if I had to get ready for a vacation- IN TWO WEEKS/ my body snaps into perfect formation and honestly by the 3rd week of working out I'm looking like I eat iron for dinner.Thankful to this body for letting me pepper my IG feed with bikini photos without having to suck belle.
That being said- still haven't built a work out routine. Must find something I enjoy.
I had tried to keep up with my trainer, but I really draw the line at Zoom work out sessions.

The last difficult thing, was share some family responsibility with my siblings. I felt and I continue to feel like I do a lot of the heavy lifting house wise and honestly- it sucks. I don't mind it but it's unfair.
I had been doing a lot of secretariat services for my mother since we both home bound, but during the week I nipped out to see Hercules. So tell me why at 2 AM on sunday my mother texted me that she was going to look for a business center to type a speech because I wasn't home.
So I asked, ask my brother, and she said he told her he was going out.
I didn't bother to ask her to ask my sister, because in Nigeria having a husband excludes you from mundane family tasks.
Very well I waltzed into the whatsapp group and LIT EVERYBODY'S ASS UP. And let me tell you, it felt GREAT.
My mother ignored all the messages while my brother protested that he had been working since. I told them IDGAF, I don't want my mother asking me about business centers if they have access to her. Her husband ended up typing it for her. and I didn't bother to even ask anyone anything.


On Money

Tbh, If I knew I could survive on so little cash, I'd have been more willing to quit my job and travel the world when I was 25.I have not saved as much as I targeted, HOWEVER- I am not broke even though I haven't gone to work all year. I was going to say I haven't worked- but all the secretariat work I've done for my mother this year has me contemplating putting EA on my CV.  Adjacent to this money talk, turns out I have way too many clothes. I don't know who the fuck I thought I was buying clothes for EVERY SINGLE FUNCTION I ATTENDED LAST YEAR.
And to think I had a clothing budget. This year it's Zero. I do not need new clothes AT ALL. However I really should consider beginning to earn income that is not from investment. If anyone wants to Hire me. shoot me an email

On Career.

I'm thankful for the break in transmission because -what the fuck are those hours anyway?
And what better way to explain a 6 month break in your career than Corona?
That being said my two top choices for a job want to hire me but have a global freeze on recruitment.
And even though I feel like I should be doing something with some degree of urgency with my free time. All I can do is read, run my book club, wait hand and foot on my mum and speaking lovingly to my plant. That being said in all the downtime, I finally figured out what I want to do career wise, and because the universe is gracious, I found the exact role. Honestly it's a perfect fit for me.Fingers crossed for corona to go because I have no idea how a virtual on-boarding is going to work.

On Happiness

I think driving in Lagos puts so much tension in my body that I can not believe how tightly wound up I am when I get home. In the last 3 months I have driven maybe 6 times and the last two times have had me like- are lagosians okay like this? Anyway when I'm not driving I am happy.I do not think I have had this little anxiety in my life. Also I took a break from men- dating them, fucking them and entertaining them frequently- so I'm sure that contributed to the rise in my happiness level. Showing up for myself consistently has definitely contributed to me being happier than usual. I am so happy that I haven't even leaned on retail therapy. And that's a big deal because I'm always buying something.

On Listening to my body

Not just physically but mentally as well. All this quiet has really shown me my self. The growth I have experienced and continue to experience and tangible evidence of that growth. The compassion I show myself when I act irresponsibly or I go against my body and how quickly I am to self sooth. One of the most fascinating things is the ease with which I exit conversations that I have no business being in. See this alignment of self with body is something I think many people should strive for. And because I know when I am acting out of turn, I am quick to apologize and align my actions with the person I am aiming to be. Also this is me acknowledging that oil-cleansing is not for me and I need to hang it up and stop clogging my damn pores. I've attempted to punish my skin and inexplicably myself by over exfoliating post oil clogging. As with the number of my men in my life, my skin flourishes under the maxim that less is more. Since most of my products finished my skin has really been on its best behavior, except when I drench it in oil and clog my pores.

In line with listening to my body, I miss my facial girl and my massage therapist.


On Knowing myself

I set out to really hone in on the intentional practice of predictability this year. I wanted the people in my life to know and state beyond the regular cant vouch for anybody, that in certain situations, my actions would be consistent with their expectations because of the person that I am. And I want the record to state that it is I, who makes up the people in my life. I wanted to - barring never say never- categorically say this is who I am in XYZ situation and my stance is unwavering. I am making very certain progress.Which is why when I was expressing surprise at the swiftness with which a mutual friend was leaping into a relationship with my friend, her off hand remark of "Oh you are still so Jaded" took me by surprise. I asked myself, Are you a jaded babe? I came up with a resounding no.
and kept it moving. Last year I might have attempted to explain why I said what I said, but this year Jesus has died for me and that is enough for me. We are not debating things about myself with non factors.


In Conclusion

I know it seems like I set out to do A LOT of personal work this year. I did. and honestly asides my inability to write as often as I'd like, or keep up with my travel blog as consistently as I'd like, I'm taking my wins where I find them. For the inconsistency with my travel blog, I hail myself on the consistency I show in running my book club. For how quickly I lose my temper over the most inane thing, I clap at how willing I am to apologize and make up for cutting remarks. When I am uncharacteristically short with a sibling, I applaud the efforts I make in stretching myself working to assist the other sibling. I guess this year I am really striving for balance. not perfection.

As always in the other 7 months of this year I want to take my piano lessons seriously. And build a work out routine, and stop putting oil on my face. And write consistently. And define what consistently means. ( it means two travel posts and one tiny letter per month- I have so much to sayyyyy)

Tomorrow is a HUGE day for my family. I have planned my mother and sisters wedding and the anticipation for tomorrow is bigger than both combined.
Tomorrow June 2nd 2020, my mother becomes the president of ICAN. *cue champagne popping*
Honestly so so so so so proud of her. I really really really like when people get what they have worked so hard to attain.
This might also be the reason why I am unwilling to work as hard on certain ventures- BECAUSE ITS SUCH BLOODY HARD WORK. and just having front row to how hard the work is, makes you really wonder- Do I want it bad enough.

And for me, most times the answer is no, but when its Yes, nothing in my path survives. hash tag indaboski?

That being said, I should have done my nails instead of lying in bed all day reading.Maybe I'll do some Yoga.