On Tampons and Ex-boyfriends

I started wearing tampons relatively early

I say relatively judging my the senior aunties on my TL that haven't ever tried them.

Let me tell you tampons have made me a better person.

How did I get into Tampons?

I am glad you asked that question.

When I was in Uni, I was dating someone. (not seriously- Casually) * this line will self destruct because I have no ex's.

Anyway So I used to whine. WHINE. to my then bae, about how; I hated Always. ( sanitary pad)

I was ALWAYS getting stained.
Forget those stupid adverts.
I would be on my period and EVERY single night I would draw map of Japan on my bed

Every single night. Some days sef I would go and visit someone in their room, Get up to go and boom -Me stuttering; Sorry I think I stained your bed)

Plus the sticker on the pad wings were horrible.
As in; the thing would stick on my pubic hair and give me an unrequested bikini wax.

In essence my period days were dark and struggle filled.

I mean there were other issues But bloody sheets every morning and sticky pads to my bikini line were at the top of the foodchain.

Anyway fastforward to My then boo going on IT and coming to visit me in school. He had a surprise for me

A Box of tampons.

I was slightly hesistant because -Urgh to putting this thing into my vagina.

And what if it gets stuck and what if the rope cuts and all the what ifs.

Anyway So I used a tampon, and except that one time when my tampon over flowed.

I have never till this day experienced any staining.

Except when I want to allow my Vag rest.

And I get stained. Again like clock work.

Will forever be thankful and grateful to my ex boyfriend for putting me on tampons.

Now Three other things.

I do not ever use Nigerian always.
I know how bougie It sounds but the foreign pads, You might as well be wearing panyt.

I love the texture.

Second- no more unwarranted bikini waxing.

The glue stays on to the other wing stead fast.

Like My mother knows all she needs to buy me when she travel's " london always and mac lipstick at duty free".

Even the always SP, I bought when I went to gambia was superior. ( Lions of africa- how far??)


Two
I never use paper applicator tampons.

because I imagine that the claws of the applicators scratching against my insides and so;
I always ALWAYS ALWAYS use the plastic applicators.

Three

They say you shouldn't ever keep in your tampons for more than 8 hours because of TSS.
Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Apparently there is a 30% death rate from TSS in America.

which loosely translates to 3 in 10 women that enter the hospital because of this reason -DIE.

its high.

so be careful, If you do decide to morph into a tampon weilding ninja like myself-

Try to shower twice a day and change your tampon at least twice a day which means you will use at least 3 tampons a day fulfilling the 8 hour rule for tampons. (24 hours divided by 3 is 8) so you are safe. ( rough estimate)


So you know how I spoke about talking to jeweler, So I fixed an appointment.
You guys this appointment was like by 10pm.
9:45 my alarm went off and I was running around like a headless chicken because

Ore couldn't remember her skype password AND Eros was being a slow coach ( because I woke him up from sleep)

Shaaa at 10:01 nepa took light.
Children of God at 10:03 Gen came on

at 10:06 gen went off.
So I ask Eros; Should we just skype him with your phone?

Him: In this darkness,you want him to think you are poorer than you already think you are- being Nigerian.

Side bar: My co-worker met Eros today and said - he is so strict.

me: Huh? My Bubba is a teddy bear.

But secretly excited that she knows to tuck in that familiarity.

Random snippets

So as you guys know.

 I co-habit with Eros ( mainly because lekki traffic humbles me).

And It is not ideal.

Because last week when I got out of the shower, he looked at me a little confused ( think North west confused face)

And asked me - Where are your eyebrows?

I swear to God in heaven I had mentioned to him that I do not have eye brows and I pencil them on.

So I said ( because honesty is supposed to be the best policy in marriage)- I do not have any eye brows.

He said - but I see you with eyebrows every day

Me- because I draw them on

Him- Maybe you should draw them on in the bathroom before you come back to the room

Me- Maybe you should stop talking now.

What is so amusing is that, he seemed so genuinely concerned/ surprised/ slightly amused. Like OMG you actually have no hair let me see.

Gym time is blessing time.

Guess who can not find her sports bra?

Guess who has been wearing ordinary bra to the gym?

Guess went to the gym IN THE EVENING ON A WEEK DAY?

All me- Sprinkles confetti.

So excited for this new fitness journey.

Also Trainer at the gym saw my ring yesterday * cue random out burst of happiness*

It still surprises me at how excited other people get about me getting married.

I mean.

Anyway that is one there on its own.

My jeweller cancelled the first appointment we made but scheduled to monday. Fingers crossed this works out.

Also one of my friends who is a miner- gifted me a precious stone.

You guys I am dying of excitment. RING GAME ON 1000.

Trying to get Eros to do an co with ring color.

That being said I wanna go to dubai at month end for 5 days.

I know I know; I am always travelling But it brings me so much Joy and happiness AND I have never been to dubai ever.

And I'm just generally excited plus I am loosing weight and I am going for another wedding which means I need to make a dress and OMG!

Pss- My nails are prefection. Everyone thinks they are fake. #pause these babies are real

Side bar- Rick ross got engaged. 

Lowkey sober. I really like Rick Ross.

Note to self

I was going to come here and write a post and protect it and morph into a wailing wailer.

As I grudgingly showered at 9 am ( even though work started an hour ago) I was just thinking of  ways to lay in bed and do nothing all day.

Even though I have two client tight deliverable deadlines. I was just like urgh.

But I still come to work. In a bubble.

And was going through my BBM contact updates, not because I care what they are up to but today is really one of those nothing days for me.

Anyway I saw this message on there and boom

You guys- God is talking to me the message said - " there will be days that you will wake up in the worst emotional state ever, Get up, dress up and show up in 5 years that emotional state would not matter.

Hmnn.

I woke up but couldn't even find the resolve to go to the gym.

Like I spent my whole Saturday crying. ( at intervals but cumulatively lets say I spent a good 40% of the day crying).

Fast forward to 3am today and 2 hours of more crying.

The day hadn't even started but I was done.

But I mustered courage to drag myself to work, and I'm glad I did.

I may have over done it with the black kajal but my contact client person said I looked good so 5 gold stars for camouflage maybe?

For someone who just does, regardless of how I feel- I am really really not happy that I am not doing and just wallowing in all my feels.

Anyways- I have a strong feeling that there would be lots and lots and lots of days like this to come in the near future and I am putting this as a reminder.

Get up. Go to the Gym. Show up and Just Do the day as usual.

Yah,
Note to self and all that good stuff.

Ps since all the eastern beauty bloggers and their Hausa aunties swear by turmeric powder, I bought some yesterday AND made a face mask.

How can my sun burns be looking like they are fading already?
Witchcraft.
Sorcery.

But hopefully the good kind.

Looking forward to alternating this with my rahsoul clay mask from Morocco.

Clear skin of Die trying.
That is the motto.
Do not let anyone else tell you other wise.

10 things no one told me about....

........WAIST TRAINING.

Today is the second day I am wearing a waist trainer and the day can not come to an end soon enough because - It's getting harder and harder to breathe.

1. It is uncomfortable.
     Very is  not sufficient enough as an adverb to describe this uncomfortableness ( I made up this word)

2. You can not take deep breaths.

    Because really what is air.

3. You can not sit down comfortably. Or stand up from your car seat. Or Drive.

    Or change your gear without gasping for air and gasps are limited because – waist cincher. 

4. When you  eventually ( sucessfully- without falling over your self) sit. 

    Its in a chest out, borom out position ( QC girls you know what I mean)

5. You cant put them on alone.

    Well I couldn’t and had to get assistance from Eros who mocked me  and severely warned me not to make any noise about it.

6. You constantly feel like doing a number 2.

     CONSTANTLY.

7. You cant eat large regular portions. or small bird sized portions or anything really.

    Because what do you need food for when its not going to go down anyway.

8. IT WILL CHAFF AT YOUR SKIN.

    That little roll of flesh between your bra and the waist cincher will get throughly brusied- but figure 8 so.

9. You have to stretch at your own peril.

     It is hard to squeeze all that fat back into the cincher.

10. It is  really, generously, thoroughly,  truly, honestly Uncomfortable

Those instagram models who lie and say it should be slightly uncomfortable are liars.

There are not enough adverbs to sufficiently and properly convey how uncomfortable waist cinchers are.

Which leads me to inquire- has this always been as uncomfortable or is Ore just being whiny?

Three or Four Other things

New York.

I am still hoping, Praying and believing for a Miracle for New York this weekend.

My friend is getting married there this weekend, and due to poor planning and relying on family I got into this mess.

Weight loss , Gym and gaining weight at 30.

Why does everyone say I am lazy at the gym? I swear I put my back into it.

or whatever I can put really( I did 90 sit ups the other day)

Ps- why does every woman who has bragged about being skinny and never having to watch what they eat suddenly get betrayed by her body once she turns 30?

Not like I am complaining since I am already fat- and you know what they say, there is always room at the top or bottom.

Edge control works

Like it actually does, BUT you need to brush it in with a tooth brush ( what? I had no idea)

I would just apply it like cream and cry foul play because my baby hairs weren't getting LAAAAID.

Speaking of hair- what to do with my hair? weave, braid ghana weaving or just pack it and be going?

Instagram Locations

I know a few of our Instagram honeys LOVE this shit so hopefully someone will explain it to me.

WHY are your holiday photos tagged,BUT, your real life daily, everyday photos NOT tagged?

This isn't even shade. I am trying to be a travel blogger so I need to know if this is a legitimate thing or awon I'm on vacation opressors are trying to shit on us.

I know I said 3 or 4 but finally, I am currently attending the Mr and Mrs better half series and It is really good. I like real life examples of marriges that aren't perfect. ( instagram marriage relationships) I see you.

Anyway if you are intrested in attending its on at the Elevation church Lekki, Second roundabout.

Lots of discourse was about- Full disclosure was seriously suggested with wisdom and discretion.

I really liked church; I wonder why I do not go as often as I should be going.

Last Last Last.

Three

Is the number of female friends who have bemoaned being single to me but all got boyfriends and conveniently forgot to mention it.

Look, it hurts.

Why won't you share your good news with me.

Plus you know I'm getting married anyway what am I going to do with your own boyfriend?

Counting Hatched eggs and botched Customer service

I think I do not know how to respond to favoritism.

It is that time of the year and some how miraculousy, I've been chosen by the firm to go to Abuja for ICAN conference.


Basically a week of faffing and getting deliriously drunk in Abuja.

On my firm's tab.

sans lobbying.

I feel like the more these things are given to me, the more unworthy I am of them.

Like how can the firm be so mindful of my travel aspirations?

Again- Makes no sense.

Still makes me thankful.

Now you know what Irks me.

Wretched Nigerian businesses.

SAYCHEESECAKES- I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU.

Now in all fairness. The whole thing started out really tame.

I had ordered two cakes from them one in April which was N5k, a 12 inch cake that was deliciously red velvet and high and moist and decadent and all that good stuff.

So when my mum turned 55 in june, I decided to get another cake from them because I am a last minute princess.

And it was N7k5 and SIGNIFICANTLY smaller. But no yawa. she had cake for a month after so the size wasn't really a big deal.

my uncle is having a surprise party on Saturday so I said oh these guys were decent BUT I need to confirm the size of the cake so I know what size I should pay for.

So I call and ask and I'm told to send an email.

Thats fine.

I send an email and get a reply saying literally that the cake is 14 inches and cost 10k and I should make payment.

And In my mind, I'm like are these people dense, is that what I asked. I asked you what your standard price is and you are telling me its a 14 inch cake.

But I did not say anything, I called them back and said urm hey I sent you guys an email and the first thing they said is- oh they havent seen any email.

So I said- that is really strange because I have gotten a reply to my email.

and then the lady I was speaking to said I should please hold for someone else.

A man with the phoniest accent I've heard in a minute- gets on the line and starts telling me how- urm yeah, he can see an email

Me- yes you have replied said email, so? what size is your 12 inches the big one or the small one?
Him- Actually both cakes are 14 inches
Me- I'm sorry I think you may have the wrong email, I stated that both cakes I ordered were 12 inch cakes. and I can see that these are not 14 inch cakes since i CAME TO GET THEM MYSELF.

This cow, then proceeds to say
- if you look closely you will see that they are the same size

Pause see the cakes.

I said look, go and check your records and get back to me on the size of your cakes okay?

And it ends.

These people call me back 10 minutes later like - oh we have looked through this thing and we are sure that both cakes are the same size at 14 inches.

At this point, I decide that tomorrow, I would get myself up, print the photos out and drive to their office that has zero parking( another issue) and curse someone out.

But I said you know what- Let me be civil and this man said "madam all our cakes are standard size, we have reviewed your. AND IM LIKE

ARE YOU PEOPLE BLIND?

AND I DROP THE PHONE.

Knowing how badly behaved I was, and how good the cakes there are and cheap.

I deceived to call back and be re conciliatory.  But in the usual  predictable manner of Nigerian business, they refuse to pick up the phone.

So I take it to twitter AND LIGHT THEM ON FIRE.

where everyone sympathizes with me and is like - Duh cakes and cream for cake. cheaper and cheerfuller than these other cake makers.

And I'm like you know what- maybe I should just give them cakes and cream jeje.

After my venting on Twitter. Guess who calls me back?

Saycheese cakes

With an explanation about how some times the batter in a batch is high so it is possible that one of those cakes were bigger, but they do have standard sizing.

*round of applause for the woman at Saycheesecakes*

And I'm like yah thats cool, thats what you should have said not that 1- they are the same size and 2- if i look closely.

Anyways my mind is made up to not use them because I really hate liars.

The lady said please hold on.

And mr Phony accent comes on to say that - He does not know why I took it to twitter. and he thinks that was unncessary as..

Me- PAUSE

was it not after I abused you on twitter you 1- called me back to give me that bullshit excuse about cake batter and apologize.

so what are you saying

Then he said madam if you continue to speak to me like this, we would not be taking your business.

HISS.

I dropped the phone again. rubbish.


First of all, you have made 2 cakes for me who has ordered at least 15 cakes this year alone.

trust me, you do not even have a fraction of my business.

So yah.

Second-  You are opening your dirty mouth to tell me to look closely.

ARE YOU MAD BLAD?

I was really upset.

So anyway, Management at saycheese cakes, I advice you to

1. send the man in your office to finisshing school on how to liaise with paying customers.

like is the cake free?

anyways I hate when Nigerian businesses have amazing products and shit customer service.

It is the saddest thing.

So saycheese I am rooting for you. clean your act up and tell your security men that when customers come to your store- he should stop barking- GO AND LOOK FOR PARKING SPACE, but actually look for space for your customers.

Free good advice.

Anyways I will not be sending any more people your way since you clearly have way too much business in your oven.

Rubbish.

Inlaws and Random conversations

So Sunday morning in barcelona

I go by my Mother in laws apartment, she is there with her friend and her husband

as well as her sister in law( her husbands cousin's wife) who she happens to be very close to.

We have having a casual conversation when her sister in law just blurts out

"Ore thank you for looking after our Son for us"

And I easily smoothly replied "AH, mummy, he is the one looking after me o, he is kuku the one  brought me here and  see all that he has done for me"

And she squealed and said OMG THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED YOU TO SAY!

Me * in my mind* Ah Aunty, you should know by now that I can never be caught slipping.

She then dashed me money and took me too lunch and my mother inlaw was really excited.

And I'm like- you guys need to come up with better tests for me.

This conversation came to me after looking through my time line and people CRYING about inlaws.

ALSO, 5 Gold stars for my Amazing amazing amazing mother in law, who is slowly morphing into my own mother and weirdly friend.

Everyone keeps saying how lucky I am that she loves me.

AND I'M LIKE EXCUSE ME.

I am likeable sometimes.

Okay will be back with more holiday related posts and photos.

I promise.

Barcelona

The city is so beautiful.

Before I came here there were too many decisions that I had in my mind that were borderline maybe.

Like coming here cleared my head.

Traveling with Eros was exciting.

Worthy to note that sex outta town is wayyyy different.( not complaining)

But God saw my filthy mind and sent the red robot my way.( guess who isn't pregnant) *throws confetti in the air*

Will be back with a more decent post. Soonish.