Update and all that good stuff

My exam was interesting, and for the first time in a long time I do not know how the results will swing. I'm uber apprehensive.
Say a prayer for me.

Following closely on the heels of that; I've decided to end things- whatever things are with the pretty boy who I really liked and was shacking me that I then slept with and he sort of lost some of his shine.
That boy.

I felt like he was jealous of me. And I know how ridiculous I sound writing it because how can someone toasting you be jealous of you.
But I spoke to my uncle and he said two things can be true. Someone can like you and be envious of you.

And I'd never have considered myself to be someone to be jealous of, because honestly aren't we all struggling with one thing or the other? My friends say it is that he does not believe I had the guts to put him on a rota. of other men.
Which is amusing because - WHERE IS YOUR COMPETITIVE SPIRIT?
LOL.

Honestly I'm slightly disappointed but very surprised at his actions. and in all my experiences with men I have never ever ever experienced anything like this in my life.
color me surprised.
how can someone be toasting and shading you at the same time over looking good?

My friend thinks I intimidate him and he has low self esteem. My uncle thinks he is not just used to women not centering him.

I honestly wish I did not tell him about my divorce or open up to him.
and even though I knowwwww it has no bearing on my decision making abilities I honestly can't believe I entertained yet another low self esteem nigga.

Anyway I'm off to a date tonight and I am two minds about it because I'm wearing a shirt, with an actual collar.

LOL

the one day I'm dressed like Funmi from marketing I agree to a date on a whim. LOL

Growth

I applied for time off for my exams like a month ago and my boss didn't approve it on the day it was meant to start, I got an email saying he rejected it. I had just pulled an all nighter and I was absolutely NOT in the mood.

So I drag myself to the office, and he said and I quote, the exams are not related to my role and that I am not the only one writing exams in this office. And I was like oh what are the alternatives, and he said use your annual leave.

So I asked him if I could take unpaid days and he shrugged all  non committal and was like discuss with HR.

Color me confused because this exam is a two part exams and he approved the first study leave. - TWICE.

The old me would have gone on a tangent on how it was not fair and etc etc. and then gone to tell everyone in the office how I am constantly victimized and called my mum and put it on speaker and just really acted a damn fool. Then gone on a twitter rant.


The new me, said a prayer and messaged HR. because honestly I didn't have the time.

Turns out he was being a clown bitch ass because HR was like- huh? as long as you have justification for the exams  please apply and tell him I have approved it.

And the same leave this clown rejected and asked me to prepare a justification for, he approved before COB.

And you know what was even more fantastic, after he approved it, I went over to tell him thank you.

It felt good.

I mean my boss doesn't like me, but I never in a million years would have guessed he'd attempt to sabotage me like this.

And I am so so so happy with how I handled it. I think this is the growth people talk about all the time. :)

Glad to finally see bits of it in my life.

31

No birthday wishlist or wishes this year, just to pass my exams.

I put love on my vision board earlier this year and then realized what I really want is tender romance and not love.

I have found expressions of love at every turn most days I leave home to head out from people I know and do not even know. So I know it is romance I want. a very specific kind.

I ring in the new year at sugar baby's house, and he asks me to stay. I say okay and go to drinks afterwards with The boy from a couple of posts ago. ( you know the one)

after which I go home to sleep.

I wanted a super mellow birthday because honestly between my exams and me mourning the life I assumed I'd be living at 31. I couldn't hack hosting or partying.

I mean I thought I'd own a house by now.

I keep wondering where I got that from or why I wanted to own a house so badly or why I've always wanted one but I'm drawing a blank. I sha want a house.

and another year has gone by and I do not own a house.

But on the same side, I felt so grateful and thankful.
A couple of things I started to do- be a lot more mindful of how I look, so less make up and zero filters.

Less validation from Social media, I started providing a lot more context in the stuff I share on any platform, but I realize people always like to play up certain things, I'm being a lot more deliberate with being honest with the portrayals on there.

For some reason I have not be able to look through and reply my whatsapp birthday messages.

I opened the first one from Yorubae, and burst into tears. It was a voice note from his grandma and she was praying for me and she asked me to be strong. and look forward.

And honestly It was the most welcome thing. As always before exams especially these ones, I have been nervous, frantic about my performance but that message was so reassuring. Like whewwwww.

A lot of people do not acknowledge the effort and time and strain that these take and out on me so I'm always so thankful when someone doesn't tell me- you are intelligent, don't worry.

I like when they acknowledge that I can be afraid and still move forward.

At brunch today, I met a french boy and told him about my favorite non sexual fantasy.

My self and partner who is a professor (???) and its late summer and we are in the back yard of our summer home and all our friends from around the world are around with their kids and then he brings out a bottle of wine unlabelled and someone asks  me about the wine because it is, and I tell her it's a sample we are trying out from this years harvest from the vineyard, and we all burst into laughter because - WTH?

And he said, then you'd need to move to Bordeaux. And I said oh that is where my current french lover is from.

So if this is a sign- Lord I hear ya.

Anyway my mother prayed for me for my birthday and prayed for me to never lose my sense of self and I remain the person who I have always been.

Through out this year I felt a  shift in my person  back towards who I used to be and I think she senses it as well. People always say divorce changes you.

Not all divorces then. LOL.

I had a shouting match with

Currently

Listening
 non stop to

Nana, na na na

Strike a pose it's a perfect picture

Nana na na na

Nothing feels better than when I dey with you

Honestly this is the song I've showered to consistently for like 3 weeks.

 I think peruzzi is tryna do this whole lover boy vibe and following the success of Majesty. 

This one works perfectly.

Reading

Ideally my books for my exams, but really

I find myself stealing one of these a week from the library - where I study- to read them. Think of them like a pallet cleanser for my actual studying.

I lowkey miss my informal book club I used to run when I'd download books and send them out weekly and stuff.

adult hood is rough man.

I'm also reading for my exams

Wondering

-If I this boy I was texting is ghosting me. And if I need to call him to confirm..

-Also wondering if I am not being reasonable with the hot date boy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being unreasonable. and some other times. well. I know but 

- Also wondering if I am unduly influenced by these M&B books. Honestly

- why Nigeria kills businesses. Legit fell into a funk with this wondering yesterday

- if I can afford to give them afro-nation in Ghana or really if I have money for holiday in 

December

-

Writing

A column for a magazine. I actually can not believe I am doing it.

Pitched it myself and I am writing it now. Like wow.

print byline with my name- I wonder what name to use.

Enjoying

playing with my niece.

She is the absolute cutest baby

Looking forward

To my birthday. 

and to never having to celebrate a birthday in the midst of exam prep ever.

Honestly I turn 31 this year, and I'm sure if I check my 21st birthday post, I was prepping for exams as well.

Honestly this shit is ghetto AF.

I have no plans but I feel very grateful 

Contemplating

Writing a birthday wishlist, but also slightly panicked because what If I get nothing on the list?

Taking along my friend for moral support to my divorce trial.

Putting a man that lives on the mainland on my boyfriend rota

on whether or not this vulnerability jam is my jam

Extremely happy with 

My friendships with my female friends.

and my male friendships

and my new manicure

and lowkey studying. ( this absolutely makes no sense)

all the plans I'm making for my next vacation

and this beauty box I ordered from Bathkandy.

On Celibacy

One of the reasons I decided to become celibate was because I had noticed a trend of waning interest in men who are absolutely shaking me, after I have sex with them.


And I absolutely wanted to will myself to follow through.
Anyway. fastforward to my meeting my hot date.
and sleeping with him after one two many sleep overs.

I don't think I like him anymore.

Yall- this man was shacking the fuck out of me.
I can't put my finger on what has changed.
I remember telling Yorubae that honestly the thought of getting married never crossed my mind till his ass rotated into my orbit.

So I fuck him a couple of times, and I'm like- meh

I am so lukewarm, he keeps asking  me what is wrong and I'm like - oops.

Like when I'm with him we still have a good time, but once I leave, LOL.

it's almost like out of sight and out of mind.

And yall he is a GREAT guy. Like fantastic by all ramifications. If I made a list, minus his lack of a foreign passport, He'd check a good number of boxes.

But yet- I'm irritated by him. Sometimes.
Case in point, he was sick sick and didn't go to work, and yall I was like oh, get yourself to the Hospital.

He didn't and I was like okay cool.

didn't offer to send him food, didn't ask what drugs do you need. Nothing

and I didn't feel a type of way.

Is this madness?

I'm equal parts confused, equal parts amused.

I feel like I know I shouldn't have fucked him.
I really enjoyed how light headed he made me and now I'm back to earth, I'm like eek.

Update

I did not ghost my hot date.
In fact I found my celibate ass in his bed, 4( okay maybe 5) out of 7 nights last week.
with a standing invite till december

and I planned to tell him about eros and the divorce at dinner this week because at the risk of sounding forward, this feels different and I like this boy.

Anyway so  we are lying in bed this morning and I tell him I am in the middle of a divorce.
For two reasons, 1: I didn't want him to hear from outside and 2: I wanted him to make an informed decision on committing adultery.

And when I'm done he just says okay, I'm happy you told me and kisses the back of my neck and we lay there in silence.

And urgh. I thought I'd feel relived, but I felt physically sick. Like I wanted to throw up.
and when I asked him what he was thinking about he said, he was just wondering where my mind was at re: how it has shaped how I feel about people, relationships and life.
And let me tell you I felt seen.

I generally do not discuss my divorce with people because honestly they don't have the range- and people judge. Anyway I gave it some thought and concluded that

on people, I have learnt to take them at face value.
on relationships, I realize how important loyalty is to me
and in life- you can do everything right and shit will still go left and thats what life is.

And he is like fair enough. And I thought- hmnn Interesting.

Anyway I invited him to

The one where I ghost my super hot date

So I went on a hot date that spanned 13 hours and I have currently ghosted the person I went on the date with and had the most fantastic time with because he when he told me the name of his most recent ex I was like





You dated WHOOOOOOO.

Then I  realized I'm really an asshole.

So back to this date.

Went to the Johnny Jazz Walker event on saturday night with adekunle gold, Lagbaja and Wande coal.
AHMAZING FANTASTIC LINE UP.

and my date showed up looking sweet AF.

And we just hung out and then when the show finished,

we sat in his car, talking  till morning THEN because we were in a church parking lot, we went in for Mass.

Then after Mass, we walked out of the church to the car and he asked if he could kiss me.

and I'm like- WE ARE AT CHURCH.
LOL

And we had the most delicious first kiss followed by a mini car make out session and I said- Look I gotta go home to sleep yo. Took my celibate ass home.

Fast forward to sunday evening I have a meeting ( someone asked me to buy into their company- and I am super stoked about it- more about this later). and then he messages me and I'm like come through and have some wine.

So we drink two bottles of wine, make out like we are 12 years old and honestly I'm not such a huge fan of PDA but I legit could not keep my hands and lips off him.

and I'm like look I'll go back to yours if you promise not to try to fuck me.

And he is like deal.

So I go back to his.
Offcourse he tries to fuck me. But I'm celibate so we do some kissing and we pass out because honestly we both hadn't slept and we were both drunk.

And we wakes up by 4 am and wakes me up with back of neck kisses. YALLLL.

But that's not even the issue; we are lying in bed looking through his photos AND- I'm like oh you know xyz, and he is like oh she my ex.

and I'm like- whoopsie.

Honestly I lost my hard-on for this boy.
Like it makes zero sense. I think he sensed the shift in my attitude because he went to bed soon after and I took a shower and got dressed for work.


But now I'm looking at all our photos from the weekend and I'm also like I *like* this guy, but I'm also like he dated this problematic pyschopath.

Like I'm stressed.
So I'm currently ignoring his messages .
I'm an awful person.

Eneni is telling me how we have all made questionable decisions and I shouldn't be like that.

LOL.

As an aside, celibacy is great. it kinda forces you to slow down and actually SEE people for who they are and not what sexual chemistry makes you think they are.

update

adult education issa bitch.

just being an adult and having to do the right thing especially when its difficult issa bigger bitch.

I officially ended things with Hercules, as a result of many things one of the mainest was that I didn't want anything as serious as what he wanted. and also the whole celibacy thing( we used to have the most fantastic sexxxxxx).

Anyway it was awful.
as terrible a person as I am, I honestly really hate hurting people who like me.
A younger me would have been like- meh just roll with the punches sis, but an adult me is like- Okay this isn't going to work, you need to get yourself together and get all the way out of here.

And its hard to sit across a table from someone who you actually enjoy and like and tell them this. its terrible. awful. 0/10. would never recommend. Ghosting never had me feeling this way.

I didn't offer to be friends because next thing will be friendly visit that'll end in Penis and attempted conversation about me considering what I don't know.

Anyway- that break up put me in a funk.

Coupled with the fact that my office let go of HALF of the staff strength. and tbh I was SHOOK. I've never had concerns about job security ever because I mean I worked in audit and every year we got promoted and then I moved here and it's been pretty stable until this.

So this week had me reeling from the loss of half my co-workers. ( for context we are about 33?); its terrible. I don't think I have survivors guilt but I actually thought I was gonna be okay o, until my office boyfriend told me he quit as well.

and was moving to competition.

absolutely gutted.

Anyway in this mix someone in my network sends me a perfect job description for what I'm tryna do:re exams. and I froze.
Then swung into action, reached out to my friend to do up my CV, and honestly would you believe all my years of pulling all nighters doing audit in hotel rooms, amounted to 4 lines?

4?

smh

Anyway I sent that in today so wish me luck.

I'm lowkey pissed because I was actually in the middle of finally settling into this enjoyment life.
plus my mum is ICAN president next year- if you know me personally reach out to me, she turns 60 next year so you know the party finna be popping! Was also looking forward to all the enjoyment travelling I'd get to do as her hand bag but now because this work thing I'm so unsettled and stuff.

Meh.

We are having a baby dedication for my sisters baby. And my sister insists on dedicating her child at COZA.
I'm sick and I'm not discussing this any further. I think they are all brain washed.
Told my mum to put her foot down and my mum is like- oh I don't want to impose, the child has a father.
I said okay.
So tell me why these people are running after me up and down to come and help them plan the dedication?
I'm like LOL- still helping them sha.
Cant use the vex to boil yam

NOW ONTO SOME FABULOUS NEWS.
well sort of fabulous
1- the divorce is well underway. and you guys don't even know how ecstatic I am.
2- I have a beach get away on Sunday. at 30 i'm going to buy food from a caterer because I couldn't care less to cook it. And I'm not correcting anyone if they assume I cooked it. *shrug*
3- I'm making slow and very steady progress with my studying. I'm so happy ehn.
4- my most recent piercings seem to have FINALLY HEALED. ( i hope I didn't just jinx it)
5- My new nail color is so sublime.
6- I might have a new crush ( lol I know I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww) but this is like the wildest thing because; I liked him then I didn't like him, now I kinda like him? Urgh I think i'm PMSing so all my feelings are up down and everywhere.
7- Got my american visa. *whew* This was my second visa application and let me tell you it was rough.  but got it still so *insert dancing emoji here*


People who are celibate, please tell me how do you continue to practice celibacy with ease, because bruh. I didn't realise how often and how much sex I was having till I stopped.
And also how much condoms and lube I own. Now I'm like give away? LOL

OMG absolutely forgot to mention how I went on a date with this guy, I met and liked and when I asked him what his marital situation was he said "estranged".
So I asked him to wait while I googled the word estranged.
Turns out his marital situation didn't fit any of the descriptions. Before I got divorced, I'd have been very willing to play devils advocate for men like this and be like- maybe it's rough for him at home and he is struggling to consider what to do.
But now that I have put on my big girl pants, anyone who doesn't like their wife and wants to move to me should call lawyer abeg.

On the upside I'm soooo pleased I am on this celibacy track, because ya girl woulda def sampled  her coconut spelling skills on that- for posterity sake.

What else have I not mentioned?
OHHHHH I was gisting my sister this and then- she said, she told God that she'd never marry someone who has been married before.
And I'm like *waves hands* helllooo
and she said- oh you weren't really married.

And I was confused because I'm paying lawyers fees in the middle of a divorce but not really married.
I'm dizzy.

anyway I didn't say anything to her because, I really already know how she feels about people who are in the situation I am in, and I really couldn't care less. Honestly, my sister amuses me a lot. I'd call her my problematic fave, except she really isn't my fave.
LOL

I mean she is my sisterrrrr but abeg.

OMG last thing, because of visa application, my mother caught a glimpse of my payslip.
And her need for me to remarry has now intensified.
Another thing I hate about being an adult is how you can see your parents in full spectrum.
Like before my mother was who my world revolved around because she did everything for me.
and I mean my world still revolves around her, but now its optional orbit.

Like I could stop my orbit whenever I wanted and nothing'll happen.
Also I can see how important marriage is to her. which is interesting because I doubt she'd have been 1/4 as successful as she is now, if she remained married.

anytime I tell her this she says well- you have to have kids, and I said nah not really.
Her latest tactic is scaring me with her friends who married late, didn't marry men because they were black ( and honestly if this isn't valid- i dunno what is), or whatever other scary story she comes up with.
and the more she does it, the more I see a part of her that I find amusing. As a parent it must be rough to have a child you can't control with money. it ,must also be rough to see people going after what they want fully, i think of this when i see her friends who are at peace but my mother insits that they are all pretending and unhappy. because unmarried?

Sometimes, I want to tell her that unhappiness expires, can you imagine being sad at 25 you arent married, then at 30 the same sadness and 15 years later at 45 the same sadness?
I can't.
even me, i've filled my life with so many things that when I get some comments from people i'm positively tickled.


But none the less I am going to rent a boyfriend for her 60th if I don't have one by then because this thing might stress our relationship to a point where it actually breaks and becomes irreparable. Also money is good o. LOL

upside to my money goals, I wanted to save $10k this year.

we are not talking about that.

Also- Afronation for December or nah?
i really wanted to go away maybe i'll add sao tome to that for new years?
just looked through google flights, i need to find a private jet owning boyfriend.
and before you ask if I don't want to own one, imagine your lover owning a jet you can use anytime?




*bliss*

Currently July

Listening
 non stop to this song.

God of your promise,

 you don't speak in vain,

 no syllable empty or void.

Reading

Its a really good book for dealing with difficulties.
I'm currently reading it as I.
very grudgingly read my books for my exams;
 very willingly re-read old love letter emails I sent to the boy I really liked; and
while trying to do away with the spirit of obligation, read my bible. A lot

Writing

My tiny letters. once a month because- honestly I have no reason why I'm not churning them out as fast as I used to. smh

Dodging

(aggresively- if I might add) getting into something exclusive with hercules, he keeps trying to get us exclusive, which tbh is not a problem, it's just like - a problem.


Long story. Cut Short.
He is an absolute great guy, and sweet and kind, BUT when I imagined myself dating anyone else, it wasn't him. and the bible tells me that my expectations shall not be cut short. So you know.

Also kinda helps that I'm trying out celibacy

Trying

out this celibacy thing again. and I'm serious about it, went to Abuja and did not get laid. and honestly dying to flesh everyday is interesting. This time I'm doing it as as a feeler to learning restraint, sexual discipline, and I'm really just looking to see the effect it will have on my spiritual life.

Pruning

my closet. I actually like what I wear these days. It is interesting watching the mix.
I put myself on a clothing budget of N100k a year, and it's july and I'm at 51, and I kinda like the 4-8 pcs of clothes I have bought this year.

Spending

More money than I'd like on my hair. This natural hair movement is an investment- WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME.


and finally.

Enjoying
The hell out of this hot girl summer, that has me reconciling with estranged friends; checking up on my existing friends, and building up the courage to kinda like ask the boy I have a crush on out to drinks?

okay one more thing:

Excited
that my niece is FINALLY COMING HOME.

Celibacy

How do yall work this celibacy thing?
I'm asking because I dunno again.

Slippers

Sometimes, I get a timely reminder that the hand of God is resident in all my affairs.

I had instituted a clothing budget this year for two reasons, I am always buying and I have two weddings that I know are likely to stress me financially.

Anyway I needed tan slippers. The Zara ones that are a dupe of the YSL ones.

You know the one. I use the term needed loosely. I just wanted them because they matched my tan Zara purse and it just worked.

Anyway fastforward to friday I began actively looking for them. asking the personal shoppers, sending out screenshots to people who are "coming back" that sort of thing.

I sha didn't find anyone. saturday I asked around again. but was like meh.

Sunday went to church and went to my girls introduction.

Was now telling my other big footed homegirl how I wanted them but can't find who is coming back, and she so flippantly asks me if I want them in black?

I'm like huh?

She is like yeah I have a black pair in my trunk, bought them but they run small- you can have them.

I'm like Okay God, I hear you.
I have been having a little power tussle with God lately about a bunch of things, so little reminders like this are always welcome.

:)

In more recent news

My Sister had a baby.
Like she is a whole ass mother now.

It is the most surreal thing. But I am so excited to meet my niece, I can not wait.
I'm off next week to see her and my heart is elated.

Mother and baby are fine.

My heart is full.

I think I was slightly specific about a request- and I just got my first gig. And I am nervous.
Its an actual PAID. writing gig.
and honestly I'm panicking because wth?

But at the same time- I know at the back of my mind I'm going to power through so I'm kinda chill. I guess.

Brazil

Is amazing.

I'm never leaving here.
LOL.

Update

Still feeling slightly uneven but filled with Joy.

Let me explain.

So post separation, I totally went about my life doing me things and being me.
me being super helpful extending a helping hand where I am and just generally living my life.

Then I caught up with my friend, who had hot takes to dish about my divorce.

*as an aside, the reason I do not enjoy discussing my divorce, with my friends or people close to me is that their takes are so fiercely insensitive, and this is just what it is*

Anyway her hot take was basically how I had done so much that when time came for my partner to step up and pull his weight, he couldn't because he didn't know how as a result of me not giving him room to learn how to do because- I had done so much consistently.

And I'm not sure if she was blaming me, but I know a lot of people blamed and still blame me- and I can live with that. What I didn't understand at the time was that- it's not everybody's hot take you internalize.

And that comment had be re-evaluating my relationships with lots of people and surprise- guess who was always bending back to please people, while on the other end people were doing bare minimum.

Me.

And I was like- oh. this is interesting. tweaked the dynamics a bit and just started doing more me centered stuff.

And I loved it.
Doing me stuff.
But it did not bring me joy.

Instead I found myself biting my tongue instead of offering support to people repeatedly.
and everytime I had to help someone do something, I had a voice in my head- reminding me that the person I am helping will not help me if the roles were reversed.

And nothing makes you more irritated than feeling like you are being taken advantage of especially when you don't even have to help them.


Anyway I finally figured it out.
I had a friend who needed a help with her masters dissertation and I cancelled a date with this boy I met on bumble to stay in and help her, only for her the next day to leave the thing undone to go and see man.

I don't even know what surprised me more- the fact that I was stressed and cancelled this date with someone who kept frantically trying to see me, that he moved all his friends from Vi to lekki and I'm like nah- my girl needs me.
Anyway when she got dressed to go and see man the next day after I gave her my night and free day I was like- Okay I need to really stop pitying people. Like I legit turned down MY own date for YOUR project and you hadn't finished but went to see man.
LOL.

When she messaged me a few days asking me to help her do something else- I just said I was busy.

So now I think, I only extend help to people who have shown that they are serious and are at their wits end.

But that is hardly the case.
For example I do a bit of investing for my my uncle and after this cycle I'm not going to help him anymore because honestly people are just pisstakers.

Anyway back to the story.

My friend hit me up last week about his girl's birthday and I was like hmnn. okay. I was wavering on helping him because tbh I didn't need that kind of smoke. But he was out of town so I was like what do I have to lose?
So we curate gift items, reach out to vendors do back and forth and finally end up at Cake, Spa day, Wine, card and ballons. All in his budget and within the time frame.

And when I finished and told him I was done- I could feel how sincerely grateful he was, and let me tell you my heart wanted to explode with Joy.

I was like- OH???
I have missed this so much.

And I think that feeling is going to stay with me forever.


Now is more interesting less emotionally stressful news:

I AM Going to brazil and I am EXCITEEED.

Now Brazil is such a funny story because it ideally shouldn't have happened but I was like fuck it and somehow made it happen. Listen I am so proud of me right now.

I also haven't told my mum but brazil is really for me.
 I am dying of excitement. Like I am soooo excited because - Rum and Cane juice and finally catching up on GOT before April 14th.

I have finally gotten around to getting my financial targets for the year in order and let me just say that they are not as ambitious as I'd like but given my current salary band- my heart is gladdened.

I feel like if I can hit them by Q2 then I can move them around a bit.

I still haven't gotten my bosses Job EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING IT, and it makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of, but at the same time- I am like I get in at 10 most days and close at 4pm, my customers like me ( to an extent) and my boss can manage with me. I'll survive.


I MET A BOY ON BUMBLE.
But this is a separate post. maybe when I'm in brazil.

So much has happened in the last few months.
Just popping by to say I'm not letting people tell me what to or what not to do anymore with myself.

I don't think yall realise how happy helping my friend out made me.
I didn't even realise it myself.

I am gladdened.

And I have an uber spontaneous holiday planned off the cuff and for the first time in a long time I'm letting someone else take the reins and I'm like.

Also Oyibae- the french boy came into town for a weekend and invited me to Chad- he is finishing up his PHD and asked that I come visit him.  I'm like errr

And I met Hercules's Dad. which is another story that will be a whole ass separate blogpost .

Hope I haven't missed out anything?

January

This month has been an emotional roller-coaster.

And I can't even be mad because it's been full of really high highs. and really low lows.

I passed my exams. Highest High
I buried a friend- Bottom of the rung low.
I had a 30th birthday party- high
I found out that someone who I had considered my friend assumed I was envious of her and wanted to ruin her happiness- dissappointed.

Had a client threatening litigation and one of my solutions at work developed a glitch during payroll week.

So I spent all week trouble shooting- urgh.

I decided this year while in morocco to go ahead and file for a divorce from Eros.

I mean we were always going to get divorced, he had reached out to me to discuss it before  his girlfriend reach out to me. So I kind of assumed there was some urgency and I got on board.

when the time frame for the divorce application finally arrived ( long story but when you get married, you have to wait 2 years post separation and before you can file); I did not hear pim from him or his lawyers.

So I met with the managing partner of the law firm he told me was representing him and lo and behold, he hadn't given them a brief or even paid.

color me surprised.

anyway I message him repeatedly and he doesn't respond.

So I decided to go ahead and petition him. I was going to wait till he came around and I really feel like I've earned it because It's only fair that he bears the cost.  Anyway I'm meeting with a lawyer about it tomorrow.- pretty excited.

I'm taking a few days off next week to go and clear my head because of the heaviness of january.

Like I'm used to struggle but It's usually even keeled. So if I'm in one phase I'm in that phase ooooo. till the end.

But this goood news today bad news tomorrow. its a lot for me to handle. which is why I'm going away.

went by the hair dressers to get  my hair washed and she decided that I had good hair cut off my relaxed its and was like- yah you are natural now.

I'm slightly confused because I have no idea what that entails and I quite frankly have no idea how I ended up here.

My sugar baby was raised in a church that eschewed make up, hair extentions etc etc, so he is in support of this. I find it mildly amusing.

I had dinner with my friends Debo and Uloh on tuesday and Debo said I should go to therapy because I said I was not interested in dating someone who lived on the mainland.

TBH I can barely get myself to work which pays me and is on the island- how much more commitment on the mainland? Also said boy told me he didn't own a fridge.

You are 33 and you don't own a fridge? I asked him incredulously.
yeah he shrugged non noncommittally.

The week I found out my friend died. I went by my sugar baby's to get cuddled up because I did not want to be alone. and before I feel asleep he was singing labrinth's jealous. - He does that all the time.

He also is kinda going through a rough patch at the moment so when he text me to swing by I happily obliged.

and now I've had the song on repeat.
He- is in london for work and I have missed him terribly this weekend.
and also I'm wondering if he'd be so kind of bring me back macaroons.

I had the most intense sugar craving since the beginning of the week.

I'm struggling to map out what I want to do in 2019. I mean I know I have my exams. BuT I can't see anything else.
I hoping my retreat lets me get  some clarity to at least draw up financial goals.

Ps: I want to go to brazil next month but this one I haven't drawn up any thing or budget or make any plans or nothing. I Just tire for me.

Tickets are roughly $1k and I'm like urm. I need to find a way to make more money or I need to find a sugar daddy.

Today

Today is strange

I am currently at my desk typing this.

But I have been to the cemetery this morning.
I have watched a coffin that contained a friend into the ground while I raised my voice and sang Amazing grace with the the 20 other people  who came. Wearing t shirts with her face on them.

And let me tell you, there is a finality that hits you when you see someone being lowered into the ground.

I do not process grief like most people so this is particularly difficult for me.

I have a party tomorrow for my 30th birthday and I pray this cloud passes over because.

I am over it already.

Need to buy drinks and ice for my party tomorrow. but asides that I think I have everything on lock down.