31

No birthday wishlist or wishes this year, just to pass my exams.

I put love on my vision board earlier this year and then realized what I really want is tender romance and not love.

I have found expressions of love at every turn most days I leave home to head out from people I know and do not even know. So I know it is romance I want. a very specific kind.

I ring in the new year at sugar baby's house, and he asks me to stay. I say okay and go to drinks afterwards with The boy from a couple of posts ago. ( you know the one)

after which I go home to sleep.

I wanted a super mellow birthday because honestly between my exams and me mourning the life I assumed I'd be living at 31. I couldn't hack hosting or partying.

I mean I thought I'd own a house by now.

I keep wondering where I got that from or why I wanted to own a house so badly or why I've always wanted one but I'm drawing a blank. I sha want a house.

and another year has gone by and I do not own a house.

But on the same side, I felt so grateful and thankful.
A couple of things I started to do- be a lot more mindful of how I look, so less make up and zero filters.

Less validation from Social media, I started providing a lot more context in the stuff I share on any platform, but I realize people always like to play up certain things, I'm being a lot more deliberate with being honest with the portrayals on there.

For some reason I have not be able to look through and reply my whatsapp birthday messages.

I opened the first one from Yorubae, and burst into tears. It was a voice note from his grandma and she was praying for me and she asked me to be strong. and look forward.

And honestly It was the most welcome thing. As always before exams especially these ones, I have been nervous, frantic about my performance but that message was so reassuring. Like whewwwww.

A lot of people do not acknowledge the effort and time and strain that these take and out on me so I'm always so thankful when someone doesn't tell me- you are intelligent, don't worry.

I like when they acknowledge that I can be afraid and still move forward.

At brunch today, I met a french boy and told him about my favorite non sexual fantasy.

My self and partner who is a professor (???) and its late summer and we are in the back yard of our summer home and all our friends from around the world are around with their kids and then he brings out a bottle of wine unlabelled and someone asks  me about the wine because it is, and I tell her it's a sample we are trying out from this years harvest from the vineyard, and we all burst into laughter because - WTH?

And he said, then you'd need to move to Bordeaux. And I said oh that is where my current french lover is from.

So if this is a sign- Lord I hear ya.

Anyway my mother prayed for me for my birthday and prayed for me to never lose my sense of self and I remain the person who I have always been.

Through out this year I felt a  shift in my person  back towards who I used to be and I think she senses it as well. People always say divorce changes you.

Not all divorces then. LOL.

I had a shouting match with