Are you okay and other stories.

The last few months have been difficult for me.
Not in the I'm broke way but when you count the cost of an task to undertake but you some how skip out the emotional cost.

I am always there for my friends.
Among my MANY redeeming qualities; this is at the TOP of the list.

And I do not even say this to toot my horn, but if you are my friend, I will go to war with you.
It's how I've always been.
Fiercely loyal and dependable.

So being unable to be there for people in my life because of the task at hand was hard. And not even in an ego way but hard in a, I'm so sorry I can't be there for you more way. but I need to get these exams done.

Anyway anthony bourdain is dead. He was 61 and committed suicide.

I almost started crying when I saw it. I'm almost still crying.
It is awful

One of my newer male friends who is a freelance journalist wrote for his parts unknown.
Like its crazy.
I want to reach out to everyone I know and be like

ARE YOU OKAY? Tell me talk to me

I am so sad about his death
I was having a shit day and now this.

Now usually I'd have gone to Ikoyi club this evening to have a drink and talk about how awful this is, but my partner has moved.
Crazy, she writes about going through it  in real life and popping off on social media here
While all my lives are connected, I understand that people live separate lives and seek solace in them.

But a lot of my friendships are those " real life, chill at home real life living"

Eric who was bourdain's best friend who also was the one that introduced his wife Octavia to him was the one that found him dead in his hotel room in france.
He just finished shooting parts unknown in Hongkong.

To say I am shook is an understatement.
I hope my friends are okay.
I know it's trying times now but this too shall pass. And when it does It will be a glorious day.

Kindess. Faith. Love. Excited

Last night, my mum came to see me because we hadn't caught up in a minute.
And she said I wasn't kind anymore.
I told her, I just started putting myself first and all of you are sad that I'm not running around for you people again.

She seemed surprised.
My family is very ungrateful. But I guess that is what kindness is, helping even when the response is ungratefulness.




Everyone but most especially Yorubae, tells me to have faith.
Incase you are wondering these are about my exams.
To give you a little context on how that went, It's been two weeks and I am still having nightmares. Literal wake up shaking nightmares.
I have never been this scared in my life.
But shey faith is the substance of things hoped for.
I am even afraid to hope.
Hoping which is free and costs nothing, and I am afraid
but we move still. steady proclaiming success and planning for the next level




I went to brunch yesterday with someone I met and I have known for like 2 -3 years. So it was pretty casual and laid back till he placed his hands on my knees and stared at me, making eye contact and said you are very beautiful.

I am taken aback. Not because I am not beautiful, I am very beautiful.
but because it was just such a heavy moment and I'm not very comfortable with heavy moments
I think I visibly flinched, or smiled and broke eye contact. I think he realized that he was doing too much and chilled.
I remain eternally grateful.

I stopped by at my friends house to try out a drink he is creating and he said
" I think you only pick men that you can already see have dead ends"
I said okay Dr Phil. You only know one person
He says " one too many".

Also my mother doesn't want me dating white men because she said " They can't fuck women".
I sniggered. and said okay.
The less she knows- the better.
But just to clarify, this is untrue.
Also she says to me , You are so intelligent, I do not think I know anyone as intelligent as you.
Me: stopp
her: I do not say this to flatter you, you are one of the most hardworking most intelligent people I know, I tell you things that happened when you were 3, 5 and you remember.
Me: *starts crying*



I am super excited to return to my social life.
All my friends have moved away which means I either need to make new friends or ride it out solo.
I miss my friends. I think it is unfair that everyone upped and left.
I mean I know it is for a better life, and it makes me so mad that you are Nigerian and there is no life to be lived in your country.
Its crazy.

Update

I keep getting little signs that maybe I am on the right track,

Just maybe,

Antsy

Anxious.
Unsettled.

These aren't feelings I have in my life but lately.
*sigh*
I don't even understand it.
I usually thrive during examination prep, I might complain it but I lowkey love it,
but lately; man.

I just feel so off.

I have no idea what is going on.

I'm thinking of quitting I need a sometime to get my life together.

Reading.

Even though I should really be reading my books, I'm approaching that hump in studying so I'm doing lots of non academic reading.

Anyway.

I read this article today and my God.

THIS

My God.

Couldn't love him more even if I tried.

Ps: why are you not subscribed to my tiny letters yet?

Reminder

The secret of success is constancy of purpose.

I moved jobs last year because I was burning out and the sort of life I would have wanted to live with Eros would have been difficult if not impossible with those hours.

And also because I wanted more money.

I did not get as much money as I thought- because as with money; usually the importance wanes once you cross a threshold. ( I mean no one ever has enough money, but you get my point), I found out that I had crossed a threshold a long time ago for money. My core needs are limited to fuel. and travel.

I do not live with Eros anymore and thus there is no need for the purpose of navigating double unit living arrangement.

I also thought I was burning out and needed to slow down; while I love the idle life; it's not purposeful enough for me.

The happiness you are searching for comes through reflecting on the worthy aims you are dedicated to achieving and then taking action daily to advance them.

And that is what I need to remind myself every time I feel overwhelmed with studying and panicking that I might fail the exams.
Even though I'm studying.

I started getting job offers that would have made so much sense if I was interested in staying the course of my old career track. I was telling my ex-co-worker that I ran into that I had to turn down all these offers, he said to me" Now is the time for those offers, you weren't ready then", and to be honest, I still do not feel very ready.

But back to purpose of working. I have always been someone with exemplary organizational skills. Highly emotionally intelligent and such a sweet soul that it only made sense that I do something along those lines eventually. I'd love to retire into academia and teach part time and publish white papers. and so on and so forth 

Long story short is that I'm switching careers; writing these exams; going through all this stress because the work that I do has to be value adding and I am ready to make money. A lot more money than I currently make.

Also because I miss ball bursting work.
And all the pleasure I found in it.

My friend, who is a real estate developer, stopped by my office to see me today, since the hours will be bloody, he said " you are moving back to stress"
And I'm like " Maybe, maybe not", And if I hate it so much I can always just get another gig that will be lax like this.

He said you have a point.

and I came back to my desk to scour the web as I am less busy and came across this post about this girl who worked a whole year in a light fixture factory and got a masters in accountancy so she could get a job in the company of her dreams.

That was all the light I needed to know that I should fashion myself towards the light of flexibility of goals.

Actually I have to pass these exams, because one of you people's daddies offered to get me the job if only I'd sleep with him; anyway so now I have to wait till I get the exact damn job and run into him in the elevator and shame him.

Rubbish.

In conclusion:
I'm writing these exams because I want a new job in a new field; and because I know no other way to get where I'm going than through hard back breaking work peppered with sleepless nights etc etc etc.

Easter weekend

If you know me in real life, then you would know that one of my oldest friends got married over the weekend.

It was such a delightful time.
PHC wasn't ready.

Ended up in tears as I got into lagos and just got so overwhlemed by the madness that is lagos.

While Portharcourt is exactly london- It was such a well deserved vacation for me
So I go to get my car from my uncle
and he texts me on monday when I do not go and see him because I have no emotional bandwidth to deal with him "Thanks. Reassuring you don't know everything after all. Was beginning to think you were omniscient!"

I have a break down because I'm overwhlemed, I miss class on Sunday and THAT is what one of the closest men to me thought to text me.

For context, my uncle is maybe 57 or so so he has at least 25 years on me. AND SEE THE TYPE OF TEXT HE SENT ME.

Because I am a sarcastic princess I reply " I’m glad you find pleasure in my down time. 😘😘😘"

and he doesn't get it instead he replies me " It's good to know you are normal and human after all"

I don't reply and I'm going to block him and never speak to him again.

I'm used to envy from people who are not close to me, or who are not privy to all the work I put in. Or even people who are friends with those who are beneficiaries to my good will.

But never from someone who I have so much respect for.
Men rarely disappoint me.
But I think I am honestly heart broken. Is there no safe space for me?
Answer is no.

Anyway so that happened.
I went to school.

I also find my friends who know I am preparing for exams immensely disrespectful that they keep complaining about my unavailability like I came to this world to wait on you hand and foot.

Like I have people messaging me how they can't wait for these exams to pass.
LOL
After the exams pass, I'm not going to even mingle with you.

I know I know.
I'm just generally upset.

But asides those two things.
Three more things

-T is back.
- T brought me fenty goodies
- Yorubae's sister bought me a strapless bra. ballerina flats and tassle earings all for 15 GBP.

my heart is full abeg.
still not buying anything, and i still have so many things.

It's the strangest thing.