Masah Allah

I stumbled across this one instagram and flew to youtube to look for it.
This reminds me of the 2nd of January 2019 while I was lying in bed in Essaouria ( alone if I might add); I had just woken up and checked my phone of the results of my Exams.

Now the exams were good, but it was the second time I was retaking them so even though I was pretty confident, the exams were percentile based so my perfomance was gonna be graded against everyone else's perfomance as well. All of this is to say, that I was confident BUT also the tinest bit nervous.

Anyway I passed the exams as you know, but I was swamped with an overwhleming relief and then the Adhan started. I'd heard lots of it in Marakesh, but this one felt so different. So I laid in bed and listened till it was done.

And then texted and called everyone and tweeted.

Anyway I hope we are all keeping safe, and doing our best to social distance.

This week I listened to a podcast of a woman who said her dream was to work for the UN, which she started doing in Abuja, but then she got married had kids and is now a fitness coach for stay at home mothers.

And while I absoultely do not think becoming a stay at home mother is a bad thing, I was overcome with surprise and slight irritation by how quickly she let go of her life dreams to support her husband and nurter her marriage. She said she made a first class and she was the first person to do so in her department in her university because she knew that was her life's goal, travel around the world AND work in the UN doing international relations.

I say this as someone who had a front row seat to watchin my mother really go after everything she wanted including single parenting three children. That being said I realize not everyone has that zeal but at the same time I wish people wouldnt give up so easily and then say that them giving up is God's plan for them.

God's plan is to do exceedingly and abundantly more than you can ever imagine or dream. Which means our desires come from God.
So why are we playing small?

On sunday I was talking to my uncle and we were talking about earning, and I said I was buying some dollars and he said but you are technically unemployed, and I said actually I am unemployed, unemployed.
And he was like well but you are earning investment income and I said but it isnt my salary so.
I think people find it strange that I am comfortable being unemployed.

Which I find very fascinating. simply because for some reason if you are not gainfully employed people expect you to be panicked and maybe asking for hand outs. but it's really neither of those things for me. It's like I'm not working because I don't have a job. Thats it. Like when I get a job, I'll simply go back to working. I also think a big portion of who I am isn't tied to what I do for a living so it's not too hard to tell people that I am unemployed. because its simply what it is.


And I was in the shower thinking about that and I was thinking should I have told my uncle the number of months that I'd be able to go through unemployed if I wanted to and won't have to worry about money?

And then I also thought, about my relationship with God, and I told God, I really want to develop a relationship with you now that I am not in dire need of anything. I know that it's when your back is to the wall that people usually reach for God but I was like, look I'm in a good place I want to be in a good place with you now. I don't want it to be a situation of I needed this and I came to you.

And as I'm writing that, I'm thinking is the relationship you have with God better when its by choice or when circumstances have backed you into a corner and that's your only life line?
This lock down has slowed down everything and quietened everything in my mind and I can ask myself all these questions that I'd never have asked myself before, and has allowed me be comfortable with saying, I do not know, and I can sit with not knowing because I have nothing but time to figure it out. to untangle all the wires that have jumbled up while running around in the circles of lagos living.
so I guess we bobby valentino's lyrics "slow down I just wanna get to know ya' has some meaning.

Lagos state has lifted the ban tentative on May 4th. And I can't think of anything worse tbh. But my potential employers are going to get back to employing people so I need to get back to identifying what I'd want to do full time going forward.
And honestly I am at my wits end.
But I'm learning to trust that there is bigger plan for me. and its exceedingly abundantly more than whatever it is I imagine.

Hope all of you are well.
Oh and Ramadan Kareem to my Muslim brothers and Sisters.

Random

its so fascinating how there is not one site on the whole internet that has the functionality that lets me put in ALL my skincare products and then it generates a routine for me.

Because I have A LOT of skincare and I'm not buying anymore till all of them finish.

And when I say alot. I mean a lot lot lot.

Anyway I have started building the routine my self because if there is anything I'm tryna come out of qurantine with, asides being alive offcourse; it's glass like skin.

So my once in two day showering habit is clearly working against me. None the less.
The goal is really to have the skin on my face match my neck.

I've stopped wearing foundation because honestly- it's been a bitch to find my exact match, my skin is super oily and not to brag but my skin looks good enough to go without foundation these days.

I mean my last holiday I didn't bother wearing and it looked perfect.

Another thing I want, no NEED to learn is how to wear lashes. God give me steady hands please.

pss: I started a book club. Super duper amused/excited. I read a book wanted to discuss it at length couldnt find anyone so I started one. And honestly its rudimentary AF, but it works, 12 women who just want a distraction from being isolated. Reading a book a week and talking about it so viciously.


I am "also" hoping to get back into yoga even know my favorite mat is stuck in the studio in lekki one ( if you think this sounds like an excuse, it is and you are right).

last but not the least, I am hoping to write up a CV and apply for Jobs. Fantastically enough there are quite a ton of openings AND they are all up my alley, although everytime I think of writing my CV, I'm like I've been working for 10. TEN years?
WIUN.

Even though I am great with money- I have to say that I do not have the egg nest of someone who has worked for 10 years.
I mean 3 vacations a year will do that to you, but still.
Will need to revisit my financial goals for this decade. Actually will need to create financial goals for this decade and get into it. ASAPLY.

I really should get into writing, about my last holiday if not for anything to relive the whole process again. Honestly you people should brace yourselves to hear about this vacation for a very very very long time.

Also, do y'all think I should include a running thread of posts of the books my book club is reading?

Risky Risky

At the risk of sounding like an unbalanced deranged crazy woman,

 I am enjoying the corona lock down.

I know. And I feel horrible about it.

One of my closest friends is panicked because she has had to shut down two of her businesses,
the other one is stressed over some immigration hang ups now extra delayed by this lock down.
And a spread of other people who are generally anxious.

Me, I'm just happy for the very first time in a very long time to be doing nothing and having no expectations looming over me.

When my company shut down, I told myself 3 months and I'd go back to work. My mother wanted me back at work so I told her I'd get to it once I got back from my vacation.

And it was the best vacation of my life because I didn't have to worry about anyone calling me and asking me about work related anything. I also didn't have a budget because I felt working for a decade I had earned a treat. Hence a reckless holiday AND a purse ( that is stuck in the US because COVID).

Anyway. I came back and attempted to unpack and etc all the while networking and setting up interviews for jobs and attending interviews and speaking to recruiters but still not fully rested but also resigning my fate to the 3 month break ONLY FOR COVID lock down to swing by.

I am ashamed at how happy this time off is making me.

TBH, I should be anxious, as I have never ever ever since the day I got into university had this much free time in my life, little to no responsibilities and minimal concern about income. ( I think my investments are sorta nifty).

I feel so blessed. I have two meals everyday with my mother and we don't argue.
I sleep at 4am or 2 am or 5 am and wake up at noon or 1 or 2. then practice the piano and then read till 6pm.

Have dinner with my mother. Have a drink with my brother. My sister comes over sometimes we gist.

I'm washing my hands but honestly showering maybe once in two days.
I've had the same braids in for over a month because there was no way I was going to the saloon to take the out when this whole thing started. And I am honest to God uninterested about taking out my braids myself

Maybe I should do some more writing with this time?

Nah.

Maybe I should just enjoy this season of rest.

To everyone who is panicked now please here is one of my favorite bible passages for when things are going askew " Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the lord delivers him from ALL".

This too shall pass.

Today at dinner but really snacking at midnight, my mother asked me to come to newyork with her in september.

Honestly I think this virus will go as it came.

My friend is panicked about being locked in for a long time and I told him, even 100 years is forever, this too shall pass.

I hope you all take this period to relax, the Good lord knows we all need it.

Twenty Twenty

And everything was supposed to be double double for 2020.

This year was loosely unplanned for a number of reasons, 1- I didn't have to go to work everyday and because I was still doing a lot of ground work for my mother due to her 60th birthday coming up.
So that was that.

Then I went on holiday and had the time of my life. Unfortunately I did not have time to sample the trini men because ya girl was all partied OUT. That was the real party after party. After party after party. Well deserved because I sort of didn't have a budget and did not have any responsibilities asides occasionally send a decent looking photo to my mother and family members.

It was glorious. Add that to this I think for the first time so long I actually rested.
Then I went to tobago rented a car and drove around the island- a quick shout out to google maps for not getting me lost too many times.

I remember reading something from wendy about being careful about who fills up your cup. Before I went to tobago, my friend had mentioned that it was expensive and the logistics of driving were off because narrow roads with a city set on a hill.
My other friend was like- nah you good.

When I got there I was like, nah It can't be that bad.
Readers, it wasn't. Between the car and my hotel for 4 nights everything came to $400.
It was not as expensive as I envisioned, at all. it was fun.
And it's right had drive. the last time I drove right hand was in Cape town in 2016.

Anyway this bit is interesting because I went to an interview two weeks ago and the interviewer was trying to explain something to me and asked- do you drive, I said yes.
then he asked - have you driven right hand before?
and I said actually just got back from tobago where I drove right hand.

And he said so you will understand the basics of overiding your instincts and switching over when the need arises.

I said yes- because duh its an interview, but I had absolutely NO IDEA what he meant by that. I didn't bother asking him to explain because I'm like meh.

After tobago I went back to london where I saw Lionking the stage play and felt an overwhleming urge to make more than enough money so I could fly my aunt's kids to london and have them watch it!
I also swung by my friends house. And honestly that house was glorious. never seen house in the UK that looked so nice and lived in and lagos-y.

It was warm and filled with love. And I'm not saying the houses in london are not filled with love but the people who live in London CAN be cold. and it shows in their living conditions. Everything is rationed and measured and cut. This house had that buffer living that lagosians understand.
where something can be 6 but if its 6.5 that's okay too, its not the end of the world.

It had the flexibility of things not being exact and certainty that the lack of exactment would never translate to the end of the world. The kind that lagosians have and infuriates the whole world.

Case in point, when I told my trini friends on sunday how I hadn't gotten my costume but I was sure by monday I'd find something to wear.
And they were aghast. And by monday I found something to wear in the band I was looking to play in. they were surprised, I told them I'm Nigerian.

At the airport I tried out some traditional trinidadian food and threw up on the plane.
That has never happened to me ever. getting sick on the plane.
But I realized how mind your business-ey white people can get. ONLY one man ( mixed nationality) beside me gave me a paper bag when he saw how I struggled during the turbulence and the older man (black) behind me, asked me if I was feeling better once I got out of the bathroom after puking out my guts.

Not one of the air host/hostesses asked me a damn thing- AND THAT IS WHY I WILL NEVER FLY BRITISH AIRWAYS EVER AGAIN.
Also including the fact that this flight was delayed by two days and I spent them apphrensive about missing my vacation.

Back to Lagos and Self isolating with hercules who so kindly got me from the airport- even though he was characteristically late. and then after a night of reckless hotel sexing, he took me home to see my mum.

Anyway. One thing I found so interesting about the Caribbean was just how interesting their maintenance culture is.

I came home and now I want to throw out half of my shit. these people don't have anything they don't use.

Literally like i was in awe. even those who were fantastically loaded. They didn't have any gold ostentatiousness in their houses.

Like even with designer items. everyone literally just wore the clothes they own and looked super cute.
This is making me reconsider, I'm not very obsessed with material items to be fair- I did reward myself with a designer purse for passing my exams and even then it was an existential crisis because I was like I promised myself I'd get it for when I passed.
but I had just spent a ton of cash at Carnival.
And honestly I know it's self preservation that is making me not even add up how much I spent. but beloved it was worth every dollar.

Anyway I bought the purse, it was also 50% off. so. The choice was sort of made for me.

2020 has been a fantastic year so far, I can't even lie. I have enjoyed this hiatus from working that has thoroughly fucked up my sleep pattern. I mean my bed time is currently 3am, because I spent the last quarter in 2019  pulling all nighters for my exam, then followed by a fine romance that had me on the phone till 5am a lot of times ( honestly this was fun), that sort of led to me pseudo cohabiting then off to the Caribbean for carnvial and that one broke my body clock, which is why its 4:11am and I'm very awake.

hope you guys are all keeping well? and you are resting  and not struggling to make use of this compulsory holiday.
yall should rest.

no one knows when next you will get time off like this. and honestly I am sooo unbothered about finding a job, its boderline irresponsible, but I love this feeling ngl.
God got me, and all of us, because look at the birds etc etc you know the verse.

:)



 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy new year my lovelies!

And now that we have gotten that out of the way.

Here are some super fun updates.

- I passed my exams. and let me tell you it was by the grace of God because that exam- NA DIE.
- I also spent christmas in Warri, if you have read this blog long enough- by now you know why.
- My office shut down and made all the staff redundant, which means I am unemployed.
- I am currenly prepping for my next vacation and let me tell you this shit has turned me into a cheap mathematician
- Hercules and I are back talking. (well more than talking), but we are sha talking talking. and ngl, he can be mad cute with me- and has been since we randomly linked up one weekend in october.
e.g after my exams he heard how stressed I was about my performance and took me to the beach for the weekend. as someone who always plans shit- this was mad refreshing. can't lie. he won himself major brownie points.
-I'm good for cash and I do not want to work for a while.and I know how ridiculous this sounds but honestly ya girl just wants to rest.
- I feel like this is the first time in my whole life adult life that I do not have anything on my plate and it feels so delicious.
-I mean I still wake up at 4:45am to hit the gym but yah
-Speaking of gym- I GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER. and honestly its easily the best and worst thing
-Since my office shut down decided to do ijebu and cram in some medical work because HMO, and got two fillings on the same day and now I think they are too high but I can drink cold water in peace so win win win.
-I am currently obsessed with Fireboy's what if I say.


I think thats about it for me.
as always I am super excited for the newyear and all the fresh changes it'll bring as well as the opportunity to rest my head and strategize. which i am immensely grateful for.

Update and all that good stuff

My exam was interesting, and for the first time in a long time I do not know how the results will swing. I'm uber apprehensive.
Say a prayer for me.

Following closely on the heels of that; I've decided to end things- whatever things are with the pretty boy who I really liked and was shacking me that I then slept with and he sort of lost some of his shine.
That boy.

I felt like he was jealous of me. And I know how ridiculous I sound writing it because how can someone toasting you be jealous of you.
But I spoke to my uncle and he said two things can be true. Someone can like you and be envious of you.

And I'd never have considered myself to be someone to be jealous of, because honestly aren't we all struggling with one thing or the other? My friends say it is that he does not believe I had the guts to put him on a rota. of other men.
Which is amusing because - WHERE IS YOUR COMPETITIVE SPIRIT?
LOL.

Honestly I'm slightly disappointed but very surprised at his actions. and in all my experiences with men I have never ever ever experienced anything like this in my life.
color me surprised.
how can someone be toasting and shading you at the same time over looking good?

My friend thinks I intimidate him and he has low self esteem. My uncle thinks he is not just used to women not centering him.

I honestly wish I did not tell him about my divorce or open up to him.
and even though I knowwwww it has no bearing on my decision making abilities I honestly can't believe I entertained yet another low self esteem nigga.

Anyway I'm off to a date tonight and I am two minds about it because I'm wearing a shirt, with an actual collar.

LOL

the one day I'm dressed like Funmi from marketing I agree to a date on a whim. LOL

Growth

I applied for time off for my exams like a month ago and my boss didn't approve it on the day it was meant to start, I got an email saying he rejected it. I had just pulled an all nighter and I was absolutely NOT in the mood.

So I drag myself to the office, and he said and I quote, the exams are not related to my role and that I am not the only one writing exams in this office. And I was like oh what are the alternatives, and he said use your annual leave.

So I asked him if I could take unpaid days and he shrugged all  non committal and was like discuss with HR.

Color me confused because this exam is a two part exams and he approved the first study leave. - TWICE.

The old me would have gone on a tangent on how it was not fair and etc etc. and then gone to tell everyone in the office how I am constantly victimized and called my mum and put it on speaker and just really acted a damn fool. Then gone on a twitter rant.


The new me, said a prayer and messaged HR. because honestly I didn't have the time.

Turns out he was being a clown bitch ass because HR was like- huh? as long as you have justification for the exams  please apply and tell him I have approved it.

And the same leave this clown rejected and asked me to prepare a justification for, he approved before COB.

And you know what was even more fantastic, after he approved it, I went over to tell him thank you.

It felt good.

I mean my boss doesn't like me, but I never in a million years would have guessed he'd attempt to sabotage me like this.

And I am so so so happy with how I handled it. I think this is the growth people talk about all the time. :)

Glad to finally see bits of it in my life.