HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy new year my lovelies!

And now that we have gotten that out of the way.

Here are some super fun updates.

- I passed my exams. and let me tell you it was by the grace of God because that exam- NA DIE.
- I also spent christmas in Warri, if you have read this blog long enough- by now you know why.
- My office shut down and made all the staff redundant, which means I am unemployed.
- I am currenly prepping for my next vacation and let me tell you this shit has turned me into a cheap mathematician
- Hercules and I are back talking. (well more than talking), but we are sha talking talking. and ngl, he can be mad cute with me- and has been since we randomly linked up one weekend in october.
e.g after my exams he heard how stressed I was about my performance and took me to the beach for the weekend. as someone who always plans shit- this was mad refreshing. can't lie. he won himself major brownie points.
-I'm good for cash and I do not want to work for a while.and I know how ridiculous this sounds but honestly ya girl just wants to rest.
- I feel like this is the first time in my whole life adult life that I do not have anything on my plate and it feels so delicious.
-I mean I still wake up at 4:45am to hit the gym but yah
-Speaking of gym- I GOT A PERSONAL TRAINER. and honestly its easily the best and worst thing
-Since my office shut down decided to do ijebu and cram in some medical work because HMO, and got two fillings on the same day and now I think they are too high but I can drink cold water in peace so win win win.
-I am currently obsessed with Fireboy's what if I say.


I think thats about it for me.
as always I am super excited for the newyear and all the fresh changes it'll bring as well as the opportunity to rest my head and strategize. which i am immensely grateful for.

Update and all that good stuff

My exam was interesting, and for the first time in a long time I do not know how the results will swing. I'm uber apprehensive.
Say a prayer for me.

Following closely on the heels of that; I've decided to end things- whatever things are with the pretty boy who I really liked and was shacking me that I then slept with and he sort of lost some of his shine.
That boy.

I felt like he was jealous of me. And I know how ridiculous I sound writing it because how can someone toasting you be jealous of you.
But I spoke to my uncle and he said two things can be true. Someone can like you and be envious of you.

And I'd never have considered myself to be someone to be jealous of, because honestly aren't we all struggling with one thing or the other? My friends say it is that he does not believe I had the guts to put him on a rota. of other men.
Which is amusing because - WHERE IS YOUR COMPETITIVE SPIRIT?
LOL.

Honestly I'm slightly disappointed but very surprised at his actions. and in all my experiences with men I have never ever ever experienced anything like this in my life.
color me surprised.
how can someone be toasting and shading you at the same time over looking good?

My friend thinks I intimidate him and he has low self esteem. My uncle thinks he is not just used to women not centering him.

I honestly wish I did not tell him about my divorce or open up to him.
and even though I knowwwww it has no bearing on my decision making abilities I honestly can't believe I entertained yet another low self esteem nigga.

Anyway I'm off to a date tonight and I am two minds about it because I'm wearing a shirt, with an actual collar.

LOL

the one day I'm dressed like Funmi from marketing I agree to a date on a whim. LOL

Growth

I applied for time off for my exams like a month ago and my boss didn't approve it on the day it was meant to start, I got an email saying he rejected it. I had just pulled an all nighter and I was absolutely NOT in the mood.

So I drag myself to the office, and he said and I quote, the exams are not related to my role and that I am not the only one writing exams in this office. And I was like oh what are the alternatives, and he said use your annual leave.

So I asked him if I could take unpaid days and he shrugged all  non committal and was like discuss with HR.

Color me confused because this exam is a two part exams and he approved the first study leave. - TWICE.

The old me would have gone on a tangent on how it was not fair and etc etc. and then gone to tell everyone in the office how I am constantly victimized and called my mum and put it on speaker and just really acted a damn fool. Then gone on a twitter rant.


The new me, said a prayer and messaged HR. because honestly I didn't have the time.

Turns out he was being a clown bitch ass because HR was like- huh? as long as you have justification for the exams  please apply and tell him I have approved it.

And the same leave this clown rejected and asked me to prepare a justification for, he approved before COB.

And you know what was even more fantastic, after he approved it, I went over to tell him thank you.

It felt good.

I mean my boss doesn't like me, but I never in a million years would have guessed he'd attempt to sabotage me like this.

And I am so so so happy with how I handled it. I think this is the growth people talk about all the time. :)

Glad to finally see bits of it in my life.

31

No birthday wishlist or wishes this year, just to pass my exams.

I put love on my vision board earlier this year and then realized what I really want is tender romance and not love.

I have found expressions of love at every turn most days I leave home to head out from people I know and do not even know. So I know it is romance I want. a very specific kind.

I ring in the new year at sugar baby's house, and he asks me to stay. I say okay and go to drinks afterwards with The boy from a couple of posts ago. ( you know the one)

after which I go home to sleep.

I wanted a super mellow birthday because honestly between my exams and me mourning the life I assumed I'd be living at 31. I couldn't hack hosting or partying.

I mean I thought I'd own a house by now.

I keep wondering where I got that from or why I wanted to own a house so badly or why I've always wanted one but I'm drawing a blank. I sha want a house.

and another year has gone by and I do not own a house.

But on the same side, I felt so grateful and thankful.
A couple of things I started to do- be a lot more mindful of how I look, so less make up and zero filters.

Less validation from Social media, I started providing a lot more context in the stuff I share on any platform, but I realize people always like to play up certain things, I'm being a lot more deliberate with being honest with the portrayals on there.

For some reason I have not be able to look through and reply my whatsapp birthday messages.

I opened the first one from Yorubae, and burst into tears. It was a voice note from his grandma and she was praying for me and she asked me to be strong. and look forward.

And honestly It was the most welcome thing. As always before exams especially these ones, I have been nervous, frantic about my performance but that message was so reassuring. Like whewwwww.

A lot of people do not acknowledge the effort and time and strain that these take and out on me so I'm always so thankful when someone doesn't tell me- you are intelligent, don't worry.

I like when they acknowledge that I can be afraid and still move forward.

At brunch today, I met a french boy and told him about my favorite non sexual fantasy.

My self and partner who is a professor (???) and its late summer and we are in the back yard of our summer home and all our friends from around the world are around with their kids and then he brings out a bottle of wine unlabelled and someone asks  me about the wine because it is, and I tell her it's a sample we are trying out from this years harvest from the vineyard, and we all burst into laughter because - WTH?

And he said, then you'd need to move to Bordeaux. And I said oh that is where my current french lover is from.

So if this is a sign- Lord I hear ya.

Anyway my mother prayed for me for my birthday and prayed for me to never lose my sense of self and I remain the person who I have always been.

Through out this year I felt a  shift in my person  back towards who I used to be and I think she senses it as well. People always say divorce changes you.

Not all divorces then. LOL.

I had a shouting match with

Currently

Listening
 non stop to

Nana, na na na

Strike a pose it's a perfect picture

Nana na na na

Nothing feels better than when I dey with you

Honestly this is the song I've showered to consistently for like 3 weeks.

 I think peruzzi is tryna do this whole lover boy vibe and following the success of Majesty. 

This one works perfectly.

Reading

Ideally my books for my exams, but really

I find myself stealing one of these a week from the library - where I study- to read them. Think of them like a pallet cleanser for my actual studying.

I lowkey miss my informal book club I used to run when I'd download books and send them out weekly and stuff.

adult hood is rough man.

I'm also reading for my exams

Wondering

-If I this boy I was texting is ghosting me. And if I need to call him to confirm..

-Also wondering if I am not being reasonable with the hot date boy. Sometimes I feel like I'm being unreasonable. and some other times. well. I know but 

- Also wondering if I am unduly influenced by these M&B books. Honestly

- why Nigeria kills businesses. Legit fell into a funk with this wondering yesterday

- if I can afford to give them afro-nation in Ghana or really if I have money for holiday in 

December

-

Writing

A column for a magazine. I actually can not believe I am doing it.

Pitched it myself and I am writing it now. Like wow.

print byline with my name- I wonder what name to use.

Enjoying

playing with my niece.

She is the absolute cutest baby

Looking forward

To my birthday. 

and to never having to celebrate a birthday in the midst of exam prep ever.

Honestly I turn 31 this year, and I'm sure if I check my 21st birthday post, I was prepping for exams as well.

Honestly this shit is ghetto AF.

I have no plans but I feel very grateful 

Contemplating

Writing a birthday wishlist, but also slightly panicked because what If I get nothing on the list?

Taking along my friend for moral support to my divorce trial.

Putting a man that lives on the mainland on my boyfriend rota

on whether or not this vulnerability jam is my jam

Extremely happy with 

My friendships with my female friends.

and my male friendships

and my new manicure

and lowkey studying. ( this absolutely makes no sense)

all the plans I'm making for my next vacation

and this beauty box I ordered from Bathkandy.

On Celibacy

One of the reasons I decided to become celibate was because I had noticed a trend of waning interest in men who are absolutely shaking me, after I have sex with them.


And I absolutely wanted to will myself to follow through.
Anyway. fastforward to my meeting my hot date.
and sleeping with him after one two many sleep overs.

I don't think I like him anymore.

Yall- this man was shacking the fuck out of me.
I can't put my finger on what has changed.
I remember telling Yorubae that honestly the thought of getting married never crossed my mind till his ass rotated into my orbit.

So I fuck him a couple of times, and I'm like- meh

I am so lukewarm, he keeps asking  me what is wrong and I'm like - oops.

Like when I'm with him we still have a good time, but once I leave, LOL.

it's almost like out of sight and out of mind.

And yall he is a GREAT guy. Like fantastic by all ramifications. If I made a list, minus his lack of a foreign passport, He'd check a good number of boxes.

But yet- I'm irritated by him. Sometimes.
Case in point, he was sick sick and didn't go to work, and yall I was like oh, get yourself to the Hospital.

He didn't and I was like okay cool.

didn't offer to send him food, didn't ask what drugs do you need. Nothing

and I didn't feel a type of way.

Is this madness?

I'm equal parts confused, equal parts amused.

I feel like I know I shouldn't have fucked him.
I really enjoyed how light headed he made me and now I'm back to earth, I'm like eek.

Update

I did not ghost my hot date.
In fact I found my celibate ass in his bed, 4( okay maybe 5) out of 7 nights last week.
with a standing invite till december

and I planned to tell him about eros and the divorce at dinner this week because at the risk of sounding forward, this feels different and I like this boy.

Anyway so  we are lying in bed this morning and I tell him I am in the middle of a divorce.
For two reasons, 1: I didn't want him to hear from outside and 2: I wanted him to make an informed decision on committing adultery.

And when I'm done he just says okay, I'm happy you told me and kisses the back of my neck and we lay there in silence.

And urgh. I thought I'd feel relived, but I felt physically sick. Like I wanted to throw up.
and when I asked him what he was thinking about he said, he was just wondering where my mind was at re: how it has shaped how I feel about people, relationships and life.
And let me tell you I felt seen.

I generally do not discuss my divorce with people because honestly they don't have the range- and people judge. Anyway I gave it some thought and concluded that

on people, I have learnt to take them at face value.
on relationships, I realize how important loyalty is to me
and in life- you can do everything right and shit will still go left and thats what life is.

And he is like fair enough. And I thought- hmnn Interesting.

Anyway I invited him to