Celibacy

How do yall work this celibacy thing?
I'm asking because I dunno again.

Slippers

Sometimes, I get a timely reminder that the hand of God is resident in all my affairs.

I had instituted a clothing budget this year for two reasons, I am always buying and I have two weddings that I know are likely to stress me financially.

Anyway I needed tan slippers. The Zara ones that are a dupe of the YSL ones.

You know the one. I use the term needed loosely. I just wanted them because they matched my tan Zara purse and it just worked.

Anyway fastforward to friday I began actively looking for them. asking the personal shoppers, sending out screenshots to people who are "coming back" that sort of thing.

I sha didn't find anyone. saturday I asked around again. but was like meh.

Sunday went to church and went to my girls introduction.

Was now telling my other big footed homegirl how I wanted them but can't find who is coming back, and she so flippantly asks me if I want them in black?

I'm like huh?

She is like yeah I have a black pair in my trunk, bought them but they run small- you can have them.

I'm like Okay God, I hear you.
I have been having a little power tussle with God lately about a bunch of things, so little reminders like this are always welcome.

:)

In more recent news

My Sister had a baby.
Like she is a whole ass mother now.

It is the most surreal thing. But I am so excited to meet my niece, I can not wait.
I'm off next week to see her and my heart is elated.

Mother and baby are fine.

My heart is full.

I think I was slightly specific about a request- and I just got my first gig. And I am nervous.
Its an actual PAID. writing gig.
and honestly I'm panicking because wth?

But at the same time- I know at the back of my mind I'm going to power through so I'm kinda chill. I guess.

Brazil

Is amazing.

I'm never leaving here.
LOL.

Update

Still feeling slightly uneven but filled with Joy.

Let me explain.

So post separation, I totally went about my life doing me things and being me.
me being super helpful extending a helping hand where I am and just generally living my life.

Then I caught up with my friend, who had hot takes to dish about my divorce.

*as an aside, the reason I do not enjoy discussing my divorce, with my friends or people close to me is that their takes are so fiercely insensitive, and this is just what it is*

Anyway her hot take was basically how I had done so much that when time came for my partner to step up and pull his weight, he couldn't because he didn't know how as a result of me not giving him room to learn how to do because- I had done so much consistently.

And I'm not sure if she was blaming me, but I know a lot of people blamed and still blame me- and I can live with that. What I didn't understand at the time was that- it's not everybody's hot take you internalize.

And that comment had be re-evaluating my relationships with lots of people and surprise- guess who was always bending back to please people, while on the other end people were doing bare minimum.

Me.

And I was like- oh. this is interesting. tweaked the dynamics a bit and just started doing more me centered stuff.

And I loved it.
Doing me stuff.
But it did not bring me joy.

Instead I found myself biting my tongue instead of offering support to people repeatedly.
and everytime I had to help someone do something, I had a voice in my head- reminding me that the person I am helping will not help me if the roles were reversed.

And nothing makes you more irritated than feeling like you are being taken advantage of especially when you don't even have to help them.


Anyway I finally figured it out.
I had a friend who needed a help with her masters dissertation and I cancelled a date with this boy I met on bumble to stay in and help her, only for her the next day to leave the thing undone to go and see man.

I don't even know what surprised me more- the fact that I was stressed and cancelled this date with someone who kept frantically trying to see me, that he moved all his friends from Vi to lekki and I'm like nah- my girl needs me.
Anyway when she got dressed to go and see man the next day after I gave her my night and free day I was like- Okay I need to really stop pitying people. Like I legit turned down MY own date for YOUR project and you hadn't finished but went to see man.
LOL.

When she messaged me a few days asking me to help her do something else- I just said I was busy.

So now I think, I only extend help to people who have shown that they are serious and are at their wits end.

But that is hardly the case.
For example I do a bit of investing for my my uncle and after this cycle I'm not going to help him anymore because honestly people are just pisstakers.

Anyway back to the story.

My friend hit me up last week about his girl's birthday and I was like hmnn. okay. I was wavering on helping him because tbh I didn't need that kind of smoke. But he was out of town so I was like what do I have to lose?
So we curate gift items, reach out to vendors do back and forth and finally end up at Cake, Spa day, Wine, card and ballons. All in his budget and within the time frame.

And when I finished and told him I was done- I could feel how sincerely grateful he was, and let me tell you my heart wanted to explode with Joy.

I was like- OH???
I have missed this so much.

And I think that feeling is going to stay with me forever.


Now is more interesting less emotionally stressful news:

I AM Going to brazil and I am EXCITEEED.

Now Brazil is such a funny story because it ideally shouldn't have happened but I was like fuck it and somehow made it happen. Listen I am so proud of me right now.

I also haven't told my mum but brazil is really for me.
 I am dying of excitement. Like I am soooo excited because - Rum and Cane juice and finally catching up on GOT before April 14th.

I have finally gotten around to getting my financial targets for the year in order and let me just say that they are not as ambitious as I'd like but given my current salary band- my heart is gladdened.

I feel like if I can hit them by Q2 then I can move them around a bit.

I still haven't gotten my bosses Job EVEN THOUGH I AM DOING IT, and it makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of, but at the same time- I am like I get in at 10 most days and close at 4pm, my customers like me ( to an extent) and my boss can manage with me. I'll survive.


I MET A BOY ON BUMBLE.
But this is a separate post. maybe when I'm in brazil.

So much has happened in the last few months.
Just popping by to say I'm not letting people tell me what to or what not to do anymore with myself.

I don't think yall realise how happy helping my friend out made me.
I didn't even realise it myself.

I am gladdened.

And I have an uber spontaneous holiday planned off the cuff and for the first time in a long time I'm letting someone else take the reins and I'm like.

Also Oyibae- the french boy came into town for a weekend and invited me to Chad- he is finishing up his PHD and asked that I come visit him.  I'm like errr

And I met Hercules's Dad. which is another story that will be a whole ass separate blogpost .

Hope I haven't missed out anything?

January

This month has been an emotional roller-coaster.

And I can't even be mad because it's been full of really high highs. and really low lows.

I passed my exams. Highest High
I buried a friend- Bottom of the rung low.
I had a 30th birthday party- high
I found out that someone who I had considered my friend assumed I was envious of her and wanted to ruin her happiness- dissappointed.

Had a client threatening litigation and one of my solutions at work developed a glitch during payroll week.

So I spent all week trouble shooting- urgh.

I decided this year while in morocco to go ahead and file for a divorce from Eros.

I mean we were always going to get divorced, he had reached out to me to discuss it before  his girlfriend reach out to me. So I kind of assumed there was some urgency and I got on board.

when the time frame for the divorce application finally arrived ( long story but when you get married, you have to wait 2 years post separation and before you can file); I did not hear pim from him or his lawyers.

So I met with the managing partner of the law firm he told me was representing him and lo and behold, he hadn't given them a brief or even paid.

color me surprised.

anyway I message him repeatedly and he doesn't respond.

So I decided to go ahead and petition him. I was going to wait till he came around and I really feel like I've earned it because It's only fair that he bears the cost.  Anyway I'm meeting with a lawyer about it tomorrow.- pretty excited.

I'm taking a few days off next week to go and clear my head because of the heaviness of january.

Like I'm used to struggle but It's usually even keeled. So if I'm in one phase I'm in that phase ooooo. till the end.

But this goood news today bad news tomorrow. its a lot for me to handle. which is why I'm going away.

went by the hair dressers to get  my hair washed and she decided that I had good hair cut off my relaxed its and was like- yah you are natural now.

I'm slightly confused because I have no idea what that entails and I quite frankly have no idea how I ended up here.

My sugar baby was raised in a church that eschewed make up, hair extentions etc etc, so he is in support of this. I find it mildly amusing.

I had dinner with my friends Debo and Uloh on tuesday and Debo said I should go to therapy because I said I was not interested in dating someone who lived on the mainland.

TBH I can barely get myself to work which pays me and is on the island- how much more commitment on the mainland? Also said boy told me he didn't own a fridge.

You are 33 and you don't own a fridge? I asked him incredulously.
yeah he shrugged non noncommittally.

The week I found out my friend died. I went by my sugar baby's to get cuddled up because I did not want to be alone. and before I feel asleep he was singing labrinth's jealous. - He does that all the time.

He also is kinda going through a rough patch at the moment so when he text me to swing by I happily obliged.

and now I've had the song on repeat.
He- is in london for work and I have missed him terribly this weekend.
and also I'm wondering if he'd be so kind of bring me back macaroons.

I had the most intense sugar craving since the beginning of the week.

I'm struggling to map out what I want to do in 2019. I mean I know I have my exams. BuT I can't see anything else.
I hoping my retreat lets me get  some clarity to at least draw up financial goals.

Ps: I want to go to brazil next month but this one I haven't drawn up any thing or budget or make any plans or nothing. I Just tire for me.

Tickets are roughly $1k and I'm like urm. I need to find a way to make more money or I need to find a sugar daddy.

Today

Today is strange

I am currently at my desk typing this.

But I have been to the cemetery this morning.
I have watched a coffin that contained a friend into the ground while I raised my voice and sang Amazing grace with the the 20 other people  who came. Wearing t shirts with her face on them.

And let me tell you, there is a finality that hits you when you see someone being lowered into the ground.

I do not process grief like most people so this is particularly difficult for me.

I have a party tomorrow for my 30th birthday and I pray this cloud passes over because.

I am over it already.

Need to buy drinks and ice for my party tomorrow. but asides that I think I have everything on lock down.