Update

I did not ghost my hot date.
In fact I found my celibate ass in his bed, 4( okay maybe 5) out of 7 nights last week.
with a standing invite till december

and I planned to tell him about eros and the divorce at dinner this week because at the risk of sounding forward, this feels different and I like this boy.

Anyway so  we are lying in bed this morning and I tell him I am in the middle of a divorce.
For two reasons, 1: I didn't want him to hear from outside and 2: I wanted him to make an informed decision on committing adultery.

And when I'm done he just says okay, I'm happy you told me and kisses the back of my neck and we lay there in silence.

And urgh. I thought I'd feel relived, but I felt physically sick. Like I wanted to throw up.
and when I asked him what he was thinking about he said, he was just wondering where my mind was at re: how it has shaped how I feel about people, relationships and life.
And let me tell you I felt seen.

I generally do not discuss my divorce with people because honestly they don't have the range- and people judge. Anyway I gave it some thought and concluded that

on people, I have learnt to take them at face value.
on relationships, I realize how important loyalty is to me
and in life- you can do everything right and shit will still go left and thats what life is.

And he is like fair enough. And I thought- hmnn Interesting.

Anyway I invited him to

The one where I ghost my super hot date

So I went on a hot date that spanned 13 hours and I have currently ghosted the person I went on the date with and had the most fantastic time with because he when he told me the name of his most recent ex I was like





You dated WHOOOOOOO.

Then I  realized I'm really an asshole.

So back to this date.

Went to the Johnny Jazz Walker event on saturday night with adekunle gold, Lagbaja and Wande coal.
AHMAZING FANTASTIC LINE UP.

and my date showed up looking sweet AF.

And we just hung out and then when the show finished,

we sat in his car, talking  till morning THEN because we were in a church parking lot, we went in for Mass.

Then after Mass, we walked out of the church to the car and he asked if he could kiss me.

and I'm like- WE ARE AT CHURCH.
LOL

And we had the most delicious first kiss followed by a mini car make out session and I said- Look I gotta go home to sleep yo. Took my celibate ass home.

Fast forward to sunday evening I have a meeting ( someone asked me to buy into their company- and I am super stoked about it- more about this later). and then he messages me and I'm like come through and have some wine.

So we drink two bottles of wine, make out like we are 12 years old and honestly I'm not such a huge fan of PDA but I legit could not keep my hands and lips off him.

and I'm like look I'll go back to yours if you promise not to try to fuck me.

And he is like deal.

So I go back to his.
Offcourse he tries to fuck me. But I'm celibate so we do some kissing and we pass out because honestly we both hadn't slept and we were both drunk.

And we wakes up by 4 am and wakes me up with back of neck kisses. YALLLL.

But that's not even the issue; we are lying in bed looking through his photos AND- I'm like oh you know xyz, and he is like oh she my ex.

and I'm like- whoopsie.

Honestly I lost my hard-on for this boy.
Like it makes zero sense. I think he sensed the shift in my attitude because he went to bed soon after and I took a shower and got dressed for work.


But now I'm looking at all our photos from the weekend and I'm also like I *like* this guy, but I'm also like he dated this problematic pyschopath.

Like I'm stressed.
So I'm currently ignoring his messages .
I'm an awful person.

Eneni is telling me how we have all made questionable decisions and I shouldn't be like that.

LOL.

As an aside, celibacy is great. it kinda forces you to slow down and actually SEE people for who they are and not what sexual chemistry makes you think they are.

update

adult education issa bitch.

just being an adult and having to do the right thing especially when its difficult issa bigger bitch.

I officially ended things with Hercules, as a result of many things one of the mainest was that I didn't want anything as serious as what he wanted. and also the whole celibacy thing( we used to have the most fantastic sexxxxxx).

Anyway it was awful.
as terrible a person as I am, I honestly really hate hurting people who like me.
A younger me would have been like- meh just roll with the punches sis, but an adult me is like- Okay this isn't going to work, you need to get yourself together and get all the way out of here.

And its hard to sit across a table from someone who you actually enjoy and like and tell them this. its terrible. awful. 0/10. would never recommend. Ghosting never had me feeling this way.

I didn't offer to be friends because next thing will be friendly visit that'll end in Penis and attempted conversation about me considering what I don't know.

Anyway- that break up put me in a funk.

Coupled with the fact that my office let go of HALF of the staff strength. and tbh I was SHOOK. I've never had concerns about job security ever because I mean I worked in audit and every year we got promoted and then I moved here and it's been pretty stable until this.

So this week had me reeling from the loss of half my co-workers. ( for context we are about 33?); its terrible. I don't think I have survivors guilt but I actually thought I was gonna be okay o, until my office boyfriend told me he quit as well.

and was moving to competition.

absolutely gutted.

Anyway in this mix someone in my network sends me a perfect job description for what I'm tryna do:re exams. and I froze.
Then swung into action, reached out to my friend to do up my CV, and honestly would you believe all my years of pulling all nighters doing audit in hotel rooms, amounted to 4 lines?

4?

smh

Anyway I sent that in today so wish me luck.

I'm lowkey pissed because I was actually in the middle of finally settling into this enjoyment life.
plus my mum is ICAN president next year- if you know me personally reach out to me, she turns 60 next year so you know the party finna be popping! Was also looking forward to all the enjoyment travelling I'd get to do as her hand bag but now because this work thing I'm so unsettled and stuff.

Meh.

We are having a baby dedication for my sisters baby. And my sister insists on dedicating her child at COZA.
I'm sick and I'm not discussing this any further. I think they are all brain washed.
Told my mum to put her foot down and my mum is like- oh I don't want to impose, the child has a father.
I said okay.
So tell me why these people are running after me up and down to come and help them plan the dedication?
I'm like LOL- still helping them sha.
Cant use the vex to boil yam

NOW ONTO SOME FABULOUS NEWS.
well sort of fabulous
1- the divorce is well underway. and you guys don't even know how ecstatic I am.
2- I have a beach get away on Sunday. at 30 i'm going to buy food from a caterer because I couldn't care less to cook it. And I'm not correcting anyone if they assume I cooked it. *shrug*
3- I'm making slow and very steady progress with my studying. I'm so happy ehn.
4- my most recent piercings seem to have FINALLY HEALED. ( i hope I didn't just jinx it)
5- My new nail color is so sublime.
6- I might have a new crush ( lol I know I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww) but this is like the wildest thing because; I liked him then I didn't like him, now I kinda like him? Urgh I think i'm PMSing so all my feelings are up down and everywhere.
7- Got my american visa. *whew* This was my second visa application and let me tell you it was rough.  but got it still so *insert dancing emoji here*


People who are celibate, please tell me how do you continue to practice celibacy with ease, because bruh. I didn't realise how often and how much sex I was having till I stopped.
And also how much condoms and lube I own. Now I'm like give away? LOL

OMG absolutely forgot to mention how I went on a date with this guy, I met and liked and when I asked him what his marital situation was he said "estranged".
So I asked him to wait while I googled the word estranged.
Turns out his marital situation didn't fit any of the descriptions. Before I got divorced, I'd have been very willing to play devils advocate for men like this and be like- maybe it's rough for him at home and he is struggling to consider what to do.
But now that I have put on my big girl pants, anyone who doesn't like their wife and wants to move to me should call lawyer abeg.

On the upside I'm soooo pleased I am on this celibacy track, because ya girl woulda def sampled  her coconut spelling skills on that- for posterity sake.

What else have I not mentioned?
OHHHHH I was gisting my sister this and then- she said, she told God that she'd never marry someone who has been married before.
And I'm like *waves hands* helllooo
and she said- oh you weren't really married.

And I was confused because I'm paying lawyers fees in the middle of a divorce but not really married.
I'm dizzy.

anyway I didn't say anything to her because, I really already know how she feels about people who are in the situation I am in, and I really couldn't care less. Honestly, my sister amuses me a lot. I'd call her my problematic fave, except she really isn't my fave.
LOL

I mean she is my sisterrrrr but abeg.

OMG last thing, because of visa application, my mother caught a glimpse of my payslip.
And her need for me to remarry has now intensified.
Another thing I hate about being an adult is how you can see your parents in full spectrum.
Like before my mother was who my world revolved around because she did everything for me.
and I mean my world still revolves around her, but now its optional orbit.

Like I could stop my orbit whenever I wanted and nothing'll happen.
Also I can see how important marriage is to her. which is interesting because I doubt she'd have been 1/4 as successful as she is now, if she remained married.

anytime I tell her this she says well- you have to have kids, and I said nah not really.
Her latest tactic is scaring me with her friends who married late, didn't marry men because they were black ( and honestly if this isn't valid- i dunno what is), or whatever other scary story she comes up with.
and the more she does it, the more I see a part of her that I find amusing. As a parent it must be rough to have a child you can't control with money. it ,must also be rough to see people going after what they want fully, i think of this when i see her friends who are at peace but my mother insits that they are all pretending and unhappy. because unmarried?

Sometimes, I want to tell her that unhappiness expires, can you imagine being sad at 25 you arent married, then at 30 the same sadness and 15 years later at 45 the same sadness?
I can't.
even me, i've filled my life with so many things that when I get some comments from people i'm positively tickled.


But none the less I am going to rent a boyfriend for her 60th if I don't have one by then because this thing might stress our relationship to a point where it actually breaks and becomes irreparable. Also money is good o. LOL

upside to my money goals, I wanted to save $10k this year.

we are not talking about that.

Also- Afronation for December or nah?
i really wanted to go away maybe i'll add sao tome to that for new years?
just looked through google flights, i need to find a private jet owning boyfriend.
and before you ask if I don't want to own one, imagine your lover owning a jet you can use anytime?




*bliss*

Currently July

Listening
 non stop to this song.

God of your promise,

 you don't speak in vain,

 no syllable empty or void.

Reading

Its a really good book for dealing with difficulties.
I'm currently reading it as I.
very grudgingly read my books for my exams;
 very willingly re-read old love letter emails I sent to the boy I really liked; and
while trying to do away with the spirit of obligation, read my bible. A lot

Writing

My tiny letters. once a month because- honestly I have no reason why I'm not churning them out as fast as I used to. smh

Dodging

(aggresively- if I might add) getting into something exclusive with hercules, he keeps trying to get us exclusive, which tbh is not a problem, it's just like - a problem.


Long story. Cut Short.
He is an absolute great guy, and sweet and kind, BUT when I imagined myself dating anyone else, it wasn't him. and the bible tells me that my expectations shall not be cut short. So you know.

Also kinda helps that I'm trying out celibacy

Trying

out this celibacy thing again. and I'm serious about it, went to Abuja and did not get laid. and honestly dying to flesh everyday is interesting. This time I'm doing it as as a feeler to learning restraint, sexual discipline, and I'm really just looking to see the effect it will have on my spiritual life.

Pruning

my closet. I actually like what I wear these days. It is interesting watching the mix.
I put myself on a clothing budget of N100k a year, and it's july and I'm at 51, and I kinda like the 4-8 pcs of clothes I have bought this year.

Spending

More money than I'd like on my hair. This natural hair movement is an investment- WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME.


and finally.

Enjoying
The hell out of this hot girl summer, that has me reconciling with estranged friends; checking up on my existing friends, and building up the courage to kinda like ask the boy I have a crush on out to drinks?

okay one more thing:

Excited
that my niece is FINALLY COMING HOME.

Celibacy

How do yall work this celibacy thing?
I'm asking because I dunno again.

Slippers

Sometimes, I get a timely reminder that the hand of God is resident in all my affairs.

I had instituted a clothing budget this year for two reasons, I am always buying and I have two weddings that I know are likely to stress me financially.

Anyway I needed tan slippers. The Zara ones that are a dupe of the YSL ones.

You know the one. I use the term needed loosely. I just wanted them because they matched my tan Zara purse and it just worked.

Anyway fastforward to friday I began actively looking for them. asking the personal shoppers, sending out screenshots to people who are "coming back" that sort of thing.

I sha didn't find anyone. saturday I asked around again. but was like meh.

Sunday went to church and went to my girls introduction.

Was now telling my other big footed homegirl how I wanted them but can't find who is coming back, and she so flippantly asks me if I want them in black?

I'm like huh?

She is like yeah I have a black pair in my trunk, bought them but they run small- you can have them.

I'm like Okay God, I hear you.
I have been having a little power tussle with God lately about a bunch of things, so little reminders like this are always welcome.

:)

In more recent news

My Sister had a baby.
Like she is a whole ass mother now.

It is the most surreal thing. But I am so excited to meet my niece, I can not wait.
I'm off next week to see her and my heart is elated.

Mother and baby are fine.

My heart is full.

I think I was slightly specific about a request- and I just got my first gig. And I am nervous.
Its an actual PAID. writing gig.
and honestly I'm panicking because wth?

But at the same time- I know at the back of my mind I'm going to power through so I'm kinda chill. I guess.