Currently

Listening 

Non stop to this because. Maxwell is the OG lover boy.

Turn around and look and see what you been missing

Look behind you and put on your glasses, forward vision

Maybe one day we'll be more than we were way, way back when

Maybe then they'll listen

Maybe then the world will understand

As an aside, has anyone spent her employers hours imagining what sex with Maxwell will be like? Or that is just me?

Reading

ALL THE SEX DIARIES ON THE CUT.
They are basically a week in different people's sex lives in NYC. Why isn't anyone doing that in Lagos? It's pretty much Sin city.
You can read them here

Watching

What I eat because ya girl is doing another whole 30. Also seems to be working because last time I swung by hercules for a quick mid day stint, he said " ah complete 30 you are looking peng". Today is day 30 and I am looking forward to my first drink.


Getting

Comfortable with my career trajectory. Was having a had time accepting it but I had a meeting with my sales team and they gave me a round of applause. And I'm like monetize it bitches.

All up in my feelings.
Someone who I became very good friends with as a result of Eros's and I relationship is getting married, and he has invited me repeatedly. I'm like pass. I don't wanna run into Eros. Also I'm studying.

Thinking

of how grateful I am, to finally turn 30 and everything I have  and how thankful I am to be living this life I got. I've never been one to think your past determines how your life trajectory, is going to be and I'm thankful for that mindset.

How blessed I am that my boss was willing to give me a chance. and now I'm killing the role.  and I have no idea why, but I'm so thankful.

How effective the No 2 bad day rule is for building consistency in life.

Is there any need to write a 30th birthday post?

Feeling

My post whole 30 body.
Saw my friend over the weekend and she could not believe my waist line.
She think's its all the sex I'm having, she doesn't know I'm a star fish.

My short nails.

My 8 week old braids. I know I know. I've had braids in for 8 weeks now, and they look 2 week old.
And no I do not use hairnet to sleep.


Missing

My French Lover. ( I know, I know).
and all my free time because all I do now is STUDY.

Hoping

The documentary goes as planned. I'm nervous AF.

update

Between Whole 30, This documentary, The birthday Photoshoot. Work. Writing my Tiny letters and studying for my exams. I don't even know how I have time for dick appointments.

But I do.

We need to be mindful the prayers we say because God hears us and answers us.
Case in point me praying to God to get Hercules out of my life because I needed to study and then boom. He is gone.

Well kinda gone.

Or when I prayed to God to make me more forgiving then I ran into one of my former home girls who acted so irrationally and the next time I saw her I went over to say hey and she blanked my existence; So only naturally when she came to say hi at the party I saw her at, I laughed in her face and told her to get the fuck out of my sight.

Then I prayed to God for a better chance at forgiveness, and then I ran into someone who I had an immense crush on, but pulled out my chair in primary one and I fell down. So when he came over to introduce himself to me, I forgave him instantly. But not without reminding him first.
He was adult enough to accept that it was probably the sort of thing he'd have done in primary school.
We laughed and I took his number.

If my chi is as good as she has been, he'd probably be better sex that my most recent now gone penis.

Funny story about Hercules, last week we were together, and he got sick. Like sick sick, I called E, who is a doctor at like 5 am because he was running a temperature and shivering and I was panicked. I ended up taking the day off work to look after him till he got better, got on my phone and realized that it was my wedding anniversary- got into a funk and I let him think it was because I spent all my free time looking after him.

I know I am a terrible person.

E messaged me to ask- is this still just sex?

I tell her yassssss.

Hercules sort of understands my coping mechanisms and does not ask for too much while bringing me home cooked meals and consistently providing triple A sex game. He is sweet. But will be madness to even consider him for anything more. He has the emotional range of white and blue dunlop slippers.

Back to the anniversary. I am relieved I can finally start divorce proceedings, because for the life of me, I have been unable to even contemplate actually dating someone with this baggage. Everyone says like it's not a big deal, and maybe it isn't but because I'm wired to wrap up one thing before I start another thing. I am really really pleased.

My French Lover moved back to Bordeaux on Saturday. We were out on Friday and we had drinks, well he and my friends did, I drank water and then he got wasted so I sent him home. The next day we had tea at some art gallery and it was very bitter sweet, not the tea, us hanging out.
 He told me about his ex girlfriend who wanted to quit her job and move to be with him in Nigeria and he broke up with her because he didn't like her that much. I shrugged, so he asked me about ex boyfriends.
I told him I do not have exes as I do not date much.
Really?
Yes Really.

We wrap up tea, he takes lots of photos of me, I should have offered to drive him to the airport, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered to spend any more time with him.


A lot of people have started asking if I will consider dating one person exclusively again. I tell them I have no idea. I'm not very impressed with the men I've come across.
Not saying they aren't good. They just are not good enough FOR ME.


Honestly.
If anyone meets men, It's me. my friends can not believe how often I meet them and how much sex I have. But the catch is that, I barely like these men. I know I really should give them a chance to disappoint me first before I write them off completely but abeg. Better the end of a matter, especially when you can already see the end.

On Sunday I finally get around to writing down the 2019 life I want. And for the first time in a long time I allow myself to consider the possibility of  actually getting married again.  And I did not realize this until I referred to my marriage to Eros as my first marriage. Hercules pointed it out to me.

Anyway so I write down what I want and I also include qualities I'd like in a partner. At the top of that list is American passport. The second item is filthy rich.
whatever I already married for love once before.

I dress up and attend my friends wedding on Sunday evening and it is so nice to see everyone  I haven't seen in ages.
And I meet a boy who gives me flowers.
Usually when I meet men I ALREADY KNOW. what I plan to do with them.
Like I can assess if this is a No go for me. if this is a yes to sex situation. But I am never ever feeling like a lets see how it goes. Or willing to go with the flow. ( because only dead fish go with the flow); and also because at almost 30, it'd be madness to go want to see how things go.


Anyway I feel very lets see how it goes about the boy.
I also haven't replied any of his messages.

Today, I got asked out on a date by a writer, who I think will kill to fuck me. But doesn't realize that I'm not being long, I'm just uninterested in all that power play. So I rescheduled till 4 weeks later. He seemed confused. A month? I tell him I'm worth the wait.


My birthday documentary is coming along pretty well. I'm shooting everything on Sunday; the photos and the interviews as well. I'm pretty excited about how that is going to turn out. I have looked forward to 30 for so long its finally here and I might have a bout of destination blues. I mean these damn exams are not allowing me flourish tbh.

Speaking of exams, they are literally a month away and I'm feeling pretty good about them.
I'd be on vacation in January when the results come out anyway so fingers crossed I'd be celebrating for real for real then.

I am at a sweet spot life wise, and I don't know if I should stay where I'm at or get up and go. But go where?

Hmnn.

Looking forward to my holiday in December because I have earned it. Been in Lagos ALL YEAR.

Birthday Project

decided to stop calling my birthday documentary a Vanity doc and started calling it a birthday project.

First of all, this thing is expensive.
I've called in all the possible favors I can possible call in
and it's still expensive,

Do you know I need a stylist, a make up artist, a photographer, videographer, a director, a creative director to set the tone of the documentary, a second videographer.
I need to make food available for all my guests and vendors
Need to buy balloons for the shoot
need to get a speaker as well.

There is A LOT of work that goes into this.

I think I feel like I have bitten more than I can chew, but at the same time I'm like "whats the worst that will happen"

I have a new found respect for creatives who go out on a limb and do things like produce documentaries.

Anyway pretty excited, meeting with the creative director who is in the mix re: conversation above. and he seems pretty pleased.
Might be having a mini sleep over as well. but I think I need to start running or at least doing some exercise for my abs.

Will def be having a screening party once this is done.

Vanity Doc

So for the big 30. I'm getting a documentary made.

Its a very very big vanity project but its something I'm looking forward to.

while speaking to the person who will shoot and direct it, we spoke about themes and people who I'd want to interview and all that and I asked casually " do you think I should ask my ex husband to send in a clip?"

and he was like- Do you people speak?
and I'm like - lol nah, but he is someone who was in my life for 10 years.
it'd be odd to do a whole ass doc and just erase him.
and he said to me: You have to simplify your life.

And I'm like cool.

I mean if Eros asked me, I'd be like FUCK NO. But what is so strange is that someone who has been such a huge chunk of your life just vanishes. It's weird.

I mean I have other love interests that have morphed into friends that are going to either send in clips or be in the vide, but I am pretty excited about it.

Like I am looking forward to working on this project. Picking out the accompanying music; just getting the questions I will have the contributors answer, the friends I am going to ask to speak.

The tears I'm going to cry just watching it when it's done.

I am not looking forward to how much it will cost sha.

but I'm excited can you tell?

I have visions of an opening montage of me at my first birthday and zoom to my 10th and so on and just random casual videos of us dancing in the club and having a blassst.
I can not wait.

Also if you have random candid videos of you and I send them to me.

they just might make the cut.

Gold

I met this french boy on Bastille day in Lagos and we planned to meet up the next day during the day but that turned into a night thing.

While we were out, he was asking " getting to know you questions" and I was like
" are you trying to fuck me? or get to know me?, because I'm confused".

and he responded

"L'un n'empeche pas l'autre".

This loosely translates to " one does not prevent the other".

Fast forward to last week, I spent some time at his in his place and he asked me if he could call me Or.

I was like nope.

And he said, but in french it means Gold.

And I'm like that's sweet BUT, it's still not my name.

Oyibo people are interesting but I make sure he calls me by my full name abeg. 

No power

Also people keep asking me what the deal is with us and  I'm like "lets ignore the fact that he is coming to see me this weekend and I'm going back to see him and we are attending a wedding together and call it a fling".

Ps: I also managed to get me an Indian toaster.

So you can call me united nations. I won't be mad at all.

Alexa, play bad habits by Maxwell

And as I got dressed for work this morning, I looked at my sex partner (who we are going to refer to as  Hercules from now by the way because it seems like he is here to stayyyy)  and said

you are not good for me. I have to cancel you.

He looked at me and said same. then made a big X sign with his hands in the air.

followed by, so see you later tonight?

Me: Yeah I'll let you know.

Anywaayyyyy I did the adult thing and had a conversation explaining and setting out my terms of relations with Hercules and he accepted.  which really was that I am not interested in doing any heavy emotional lifting but I am available for casual sex and will be willing to do a minimum of TWO group hangouts with him a month( he seems obsessed with carting me around town), not my cup of tea to be honest. but it was a compromise I was willing to make.

I also mentioned that I would be unavailable for the next few months because I have exams I need to read for. so our sessions will be limited.

Last term was that I do not need him being crazy when he see's me with other men out because you knowwwww, ya girl is single. he agreed. Sorta. (said his friends were off limits)
Which is interesting because I've been on two dates with one of these off limit friends. ( I know I know, but in my defense I gave my word to my friend before I agreed to the terms!)

Beloved, we had been having an unreal amount of glorious sex, THEN I had a crazy experience with him which spooked me for a hot minute and then its back to ignoring his messages and  fucking in restaurant bathrooms.

Smh.

I know. Smh.

Anyway that aside, my friend said she hated that I wasn't dating.
I looked at her like- WHAT? I have no free nights. I'm always out on dates.
she said" with men you know you'd never seriously consider"
me: Like they are dead on arrival?
her: exactly.

to be honest. I haven't even considered seriously dating. Like It's not even something that is on my mind at the moment.

So its strange how everyone keeps talking about how I need to be serious with it.
Ps: ALL the people who tell me this are single.

I am happy with where my non existent dating life is. because there is no shortage of men.
Which is terrible because you'd assume that because everyone complains. there are no men.
Beloved. there are men.

the quality of sex is what I can not vouch for.

I am thinking of picking up a sport. I have been thinking of squash. The friend of Hercules invited me to come watch him play on sunday in apapa club. And I'm like hmnnn.

Last time I went to watch anyone play a sport was sugar baby and soccer.
So you know, I said we'll see.

or Maybe running, but this one that they have started seeing snakes in my estate, that is out of the question.

Its august and I'm kinda pleased with how my life is currently panning out.

Kinda. 

Hercules

You guys know I was screaming at the top of my lungs about this popping sex I was having.

and you know if I was telling you, I was telling everybody who cared to listen.

So my homeboy who was outta town called me for a work favor.

I take the opportunity to casually mention, that you know, me and sex boy are done.

This idiot says to me:

Look, your people management skills are poor. infact they are terribly non existent. 

How can you be having the best sex of your life and you can't manage to keep him around?

Me: err

Him: It's a shame I was looking forward to meeting Mr Hercules Penis.

Me: You are a goat, and I'm gonna block you.