Masah Allah

I stumbled across this one instagram and flew to youtube to look for it.
This reminds me of the 2nd of January 2019 while I was lying in bed in Essaouria ( alone if I might add); I had just woken up and checked my phone of the results of my Exams.

Now the exams were good, but it was the second time I was retaking them so even though I was pretty confident, the exams were percentile based so my perfomance was gonna be graded against everyone else's perfomance as well. All of this is to say, that I was confident BUT also the tinest bit nervous.

Anyway I passed the exams as you know, but I was swamped with an overwhleming relief and then the Adhan started. I'd heard lots of it in Marakesh, but this one felt so different. So I laid in bed and listened till it was done.

And then texted and called everyone and tweeted.

Anyway I hope we are all keeping safe, and doing our best to social distance.

This week I listened to a podcast of a woman who said her dream was to work for the UN, which she started doing in Abuja, but then she got married had kids and is now a fitness coach for stay at home mothers.

And while I absoultely do not think becoming a stay at home mother is a bad thing, I was overcome with surprise and slight irritation by how quickly she let go of her life dreams to support her husband and nurter her marriage. She said she made a first class and she was the first person to do so in her department in her university because she knew that was her life's goal, travel around the world AND work in the UN doing international relations.

I say this as someone who had a front row seat to watchin my mother really go after everything she wanted including single parenting three children. That being said I realize not everyone has that zeal but at the same time I wish people wouldnt give up so easily and then say that them giving up is God's plan for them.

God's plan is to do exceedingly and abundantly more than you can ever imagine or dream. Which means our desires come from God.
So why are we playing small?

On sunday I was talking to my uncle and we were talking about earning, and I said I was buying some dollars and he said but you are technically unemployed, and I said actually I am unemployed, unemployed.
And he was like well but you are earning investment income and I said but it isnt my salary so.
I think people find it strange that I am comfortable being unemployed.

Which I find very fascinating. simply because for some reason if you are not gainfully employed people expect you to be panicked and maybe asking for hand outs. but it's really neither of those things for me. It's like I'm not working because I don't have a job. Thats it. Like when I get a job, I'll simply go back to working. I also think a big portion of who I am isn't tied to what I do for a living so it's not too hard to tell people that I am unemployed. because its simply what it is.


And I was in the shower thinking about that and I was thinking should I have told my uncle the number of months that I'd be able to go through unemployed if I wanted to and won't have to worry about money?

And then I also thought, about my relationship with God, and I told God, I really want to develop a relationship with you now that I am not in dire need of anything. I know that it's when your back is to the wall that people usually reach for God but I was like, look I'm in a good place I want to be in a good place with you now. I don't want it to be a situation of I needed this and I came to you.

And as I'm writing that, I'm thinking is the relationship you have with God better when its by choice or when circumstances have backed you into a corner and that's your only life line?
This lock down has slowed down everything and quietened everything in my mind and I can ask myself all these questions that I'd never have asked myself before, and has allowed me be comfortable with saying, I do not know, and I can sit with not knowing because I have nothing but time to figure it out. to untangle all the wires that have jumbled up while running around in the circles of lagos living.
so I guess we bobby valentino's lyrics "slow down I just wanna get to know ya' has some meaning.

Lagos state has lifted the ban tentative on May 4th. And I can't think of anything worse tbh. But my potential employers are going to get back to employing people so I need to get back to identifying what I'd want to do full time going forward.
And honestly I am at my wits end.
But I'm learning to trust that there is bigger plan for me. and its exceedingly abundantly more than whatever it is I imagine.

Hope all of you are well.
Oh and Ramadan Kareem to my Muslim brothers and Sisters.

Random

its so fascinating how there is not one site on the whole internet that has the functionality that lets me put in ALL my skincare products and then it generates a routine for me.

Because I have A LOT of skincare and I'm not buying anymore till all of them finish.

And when I say alot. I mean a lot lot lot.

Anyway I have started building the routine my self because if there is anything I'm tryna come out of qurantine with, asides being alive offcourse; it's glass like skin.

So my once in two day showering habit is clearly working against me. None the less.
The goal is really to have the skin on my face match my neck.

I've stopped wearing foundation because honestly- it's been a bitch to find my exact match, my skin is super oily and not to brag but my skin looks good enough to go without foundation these days.

I mean my last holiday I didn't bother wearing and it looked perfect.

Another thing I want, no NEED to learn is how to wear lashes. God give me steady hands please.

pss: I started a book club. Super duper amused/excited. I read a book wanted to discuss it at length couldnt find anyone so I started one. And honestly its rudimentary AF, but it works, 12 women who just want a distraction from being isolated. Reading a book a week and talking about it so viciously.


I am "also" hoping to get back into yoga even know my favorite mat is stuck in the studio in lekki one ( if you think this sounds like an excuse, it is and you are right).

last but not the least, I am hoping to write up a CV and apply for Jobs. Fantastically enough there are quite a ton of openings AND they are all up my alley, although everytime I think of writing my CV, I'm like I've been working for 10. TEN years?
WIUN.

Even though I am great with money- I have to say that I do not have the egg nest of someone who has worked for 10 years.
I mean 3 vacations a year will do that to you, but still.
Will need to revisit my financial goals for this decade. Actually will need to create financial goals for this decade and get into it. ASAPLY.

I really should get into writing, about my last holiday if not for anything to relive the whole process again. Honestly you people should brace yourselves to hear about this vacation for a very very very long time.

Also, do y'all think I should include a running thread of posts of the books my book club is reading?

Risky Risky

At the risk of sounding like an unbalanced deranged crazy woman,

 I am enjoying the corona lock down.

I know. And I feel horrible about it.

One of my closest friends is panicked because she has had to shut down two of her businesses,
the other one is stressed over some immigration hang ups now extra delayed by this lock down.
And a spread of other people who are generally anxious.

Me, I'm just happy for the very first time in a very long time to be doing nothing and having no expectations looming over me.

When my company shut down, I told myself 3 months and I'd go back to work. My mother wanted me back at work so I told her I'd get to it once I got back from my vacation.

And it was the best vacation of my life because I didn't have to worry about anyone calling me and asking me about work related anything. I also didn't have a budget because I felt working for a decade I had earned a treat. Hence a reckless holiday AND a purse ( that is stuck in the US because COVID).

Anyway. I came back and attempted to unpack and etc all the while networking and setting up interviews for jobs and attending interviews and speaking to recruiters but still not fully rested but also resigning my fate to the 3 month break ONLY FOR COVID lock down to swing by.

I am ashamed at how happy this time off is making me.

TBH, I should be anxious, as I have never ever ever since the day I got into university had this much free time in my life, little to no responsibilities and minimal concern about income. ( I think my investments are sorta nifty).

I feel so blessed. I have two meals everyday with my mother and we don't argue.
I sleep at 4am or 2 am or 5 am and wake up at noon or 1 or 2. then practice the piano and then read till 6pm.

Have dinner with my mother. Have a drink with my brother. My sister comes over sometimes we gist.

I'm washing my hands but honestly showering maybe once in two days.
I've had the same braids in for over a month because there was no way I was going to the saloon to take the out when this whole thing started. And I am honest to God uninterested about taking out my braids myself

Maybe I should do some more writing with this time?

Nah.

Maybe I should just enjoy this season of rest.

To everyone who is panicked now please here is one of my favorite bible passages for when things are going askew " Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the lord delivers him from ALL".

This too shall pass.

Today at dinner but really snacking at midnight, my mother asked me to come to newyork with her in september.

Honestly I think this virus will go as it came.

My friend is panicked about being locked in for a long time and I told him, even 100 years is forever, this too shall pass.

I hope you all take this period to relax, the Good lord knows we all need it.