The Reason I cried.

Today I went to church, for the 1st time in a LOOONg time. I don't even remember how long ago it had been. But that dint make me cry.
Neither was it the fact that I ran into my church member who had been barren for 11years with her baby in her arms. Nope that didn't do it.
I'll tell you what did. But 1st I'll digress.
Xmas is a really special period for me. I go home spend time with family and all that. I also tend to meet new people and make new resolutions and never keep them. Not intentionally off course. Last Year I made a lot of Resolutions one centering around crying. Bout how I won't cry for the wrong reasons. Including music.

The Reasn I went to church was I was forced. My mum woulda raised hell so I just went with my friend. It turns out. I was rather glad I went. Christain songs move me. Not to ears or any of those things. But they really touch me and Get me thinkn. Thank You CU.
During the Carol service... A particular song was sung.(I hope dats right) and I started Crying. Not heart wrenchn sobs like ppl see in sd movies or attention seeking tears but those tears u don't even know are coming down till u touch ur Face and u realise it. Yup that kind. Strangely it happend twice. 1st was the hymn the First Noel. Trust me I was shocked too. Why shud this Random hymn move me to tears well I stopped my self.
The first tear jerker was 'Now behold the Lamb' my eyes got misty just typing that. The lines why u love me so lord I shall never know.. Ur d precious lamb of God. Something deep in me stirred. Asides d beautiful renderition. I had to caution my self falling on my knees. I'm not a perfect persn. Far from it. Infact I dnt try. But at church today I was reminded that a perfect being loves me perfectly and I'm undeserving. I assume that made me cry. I wonder if my friend Noticed. I doubt.

Second the hymn 'holy night' the line 'fall on ur knees' that was enuf to get me back in tearVille. I dnt mind. Its just Amazing how less than 24 hrs ago I was at Insomnia and there I was crying silently in d church pew. I wonder how that wud make me feel as God. Lookn down.
That also isn't an issue.
Issue is this I Cried today.
Strangely I'm not ashamed bout crying in daddy's house.
Even more strange is d fact that if that scene were re-enacted I won't mind crying again.
And o just so u know I've cried for stranger reasons. Trust me.


HRS.
#np Omooba D'Prince.

Heartbreaking the other side.

This is not an attempt to justify my past actions. Neither is it an attempt to justify the 'I'm tired' line of Dumping you. This is an explanation of why I or rather my nice growing club of heart breakers act the way we do.
Rewind to when we first met. How funny and cute we were? How it was that u had ur own before I came along. And how I Complimented you, instead of completing you? Do u remember? How cool it was that we both lived our lives. Entwined but still independent?
Exactly!
Fast forward to now. Every conversation is a where are we going? Or what do we name the kids? Or where are we gonna live? Where did the vibrant being I fell in love with dissapear to? Where? Who is this spinless being? That clings so close it draws my bllod like a leech? No I want my being back. And yes I feel slight to. U made promisesa never to change expressely and implied everytime I complimented you and u thanked me.
And what's all this talk about me taking your happiness? If I took it. It never really was urs. Truth be told only U can make U happy. Me I'm just a catalyst in the whole experiment. U may seem happier with me. But it really isn't.
And what of my own happiness. That I feel trapped in a r/ship going no where. At least not ur destination. And I decide not to lead u on.. Yet I'm cruel? And a heart breaker. The truth is simple what u want I cannot give and yes sex was great last night but I respect you more than a 20min sex session.. I knoe ur dreams mean more than an orgarsm.
And I respect that so much that I decide to step back and let u find ur self?
If this considerate acts of mine make me a killer. Them maybe this special hell isn't too bad at all.
I believe happiness and contentment come from within and notfrom who you are with at a particular time. Maybe just maybe after so many tries u may have realised this.
That being said.

About last night. It dint go as expected there were no swear words no cursing. NOTHING.
And I thought that hurt. I chose to be considerate and tell u your face that we can't be more that friends and u say NOTHING!
Ok cool.
But just so he knows.. I wish he had insisted to play with my hair. Or pulled me in for a hug or something. Instead of just staring at me like we both didn't know how this was going to end. I'm sorry for all d conflicting messages I sent you. I'm sorry I couldn't give u what u wanted. And most importantly I'm sorry for living up to my Reputation of a heartbbreaker.
If u insist I was scared u didn't do a good enuf job of reassuring me. For that alone u should take some of d blame. I mean if I could convince u to give me ur heart why couldn't you do the same for me.
I really wish you nothing but happiness. But realise it may have been my inadequacies to meet the dreams u dreamt so soundly that caused me to walk away.
At the end of the day I hope u see how much I cared for u to walk away.
And even if I never remain friendly with my past involvments Then for u I'd make an exception.

HRS.
Heartbreaker BoyfriendTaker Troublemaker.

#np always remember me- Noisettes

Resposibility.

Today I have a meet. With a certain someone. I dread this meet, simply because I would have to take responsibilty for how I acted.
I'm not proud of my actions. So I have to apologize. This is the one thing I hate doing. Especially if I have to do it face to face.
Any ways I think this blog post is a practise run of how tonight would go.
Him: so u don't reply my texts and calls anymore.
Me: um um. I'm seeing some1else now. The same someone who I've been with in d last one year. I'm sorry I led u on. Find it in ur heart to forgive me. I know how important what we had was to u. It's important to me too. Its just not my priority. And I'm not going to ask us to remain friends. Or even have u say hey to me when u see me. I'm sure u'll find it in ur heart to forgive me. Things really don't have to be this way. And I wish maybe just maybe we can be friends in d later future.
I'm really going to miss you and what we had.
Him: so basically ur dumping me?
Me: um I said I hope we could be friends in d later future.
Him: fuck this men! Ur walking home.
Me: I'll take a cab.
Or I could keep lying to him and have him comfortably as boyfriend no2!
I think I'll take responsibility and whateva happens. Would happpen.


#np meet me halfway. BEP.
HRS. Heartbreaker, Boyfriendtaker, Troublemaker.